tv The Daily Show Comedy Central September 16, 2016 1:40am-2:11am PDT
nope, it's lemonade. is that ice-t? lemonade. ice-t? what's with these people, man? lemonade, read the sign. lemonade. read it. ok. delicious. ice-t at a lemonade stand? surprising. what's not surprising? how much money marin saved by switching to geico. yo, ice-t! it's lemonade, man! fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. yeah. tonight's been great. you look, amazing...
[applause] - welcome back. if you're at home thinking this episode seems more sophisticated, you're not wrong. i'm wearing a goddamn ascot. next week we'll give an awful break-dancer a web redemption. - oh! [groans] - [mocking groans] are you going to keep going until you break something, alex? you are not going to be the great break-dancer you think you are. you're good, but you're going to destroy your body before you get up to those little asians' level.
- i don't know what i respect more, her parenting or her racism. yeah, follow me on twitter, so we can live chat during the shows. keep up with our blog at tosh.comedycentral.com, and buy some of our thin t-shirts at our store. some people say, "oh, the shirts are thin." yeah, they're supposed to be. you want a beefy tee, walk yourself to kmart. uh, tickets are now on sale for my new stand-up tour. okay, a lot of people ask me, "daniel, what female celebrity over 40 would you have sex with?" i'm tired of hearing it, so i'm going to set the record straight. goldie hawn, 67. i'm actually a goldie hawn fan. i would go goldie hawn over kate hudson. that being said, no chance. tina fey. i think it would be intimidating for me to be with a woman who thinks she's funnier than i am. uh, so, no. gwen stefani. no. lucy liu, you're in my wheelhouse. but if i'm going to go asian, i'm going with a really, really young one.
like, international waters young. sandra bullock. oh, america's sweetheart. no. annette bening. that's interesting. that is interesting. yeah, now that's a huge "no." queen latifah. that is just-- that's just too much. that's just too much for me. i'm not going to do it. courtney love. is it even considered sex if i'd have to wear four condoms? all right, no. sarah jessica parker, 46. everyone s--everyone tells me she has a great body. she looks like she's hit the wall and then kept running into it over and over. sharon stone. i'm going to say this on television. i hate this woman. i h-- i hate everything about her. i hate what she stands for. i disagree with every view she's ever had.
that being said, she's beautiful, and i would probably have sex with her. brooke-- no! ugh. by the way, i w-- i want to go back on, uh, uh, sharon stone. uh, i--in my head i'm like, "you said you would." i don't think-- i wouldn't have sex with her. sharon stone is a n-- back to a "no." and you're--brooke, you will always be a "no." oh, queen elizabeth? that one's interesting. i'd love to hear the conversation. "did you guys hear who daniel just fucked?" "no, who?" "queen elizabeth." "really?" "yep, fucked queen elizabeth." "are they dating?" "don't know." all right, i think what we've learned from this bit is that i would never have sex with any woman over the age of 40. but i don't want you guys to freak out, okay? don't feel bad like, "oh, what can i do?" nothing. i'm pretty sure i wouldn't sleep with anyone over the age of 30. yeah, that's a fact. or any woman. good night. [cheers and applause]
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much for tuning in! my guest tonight couldn't be more exciting, the 42n 42nd president of the united states, bill clinton is joining us, everybody! bill clinton is here! first, news out of china. they're celebrating the mid-autumn festival, so if you're chinese congratulations on having autumn, but don't forget that also means... winter is coming. ( laughter ) at least you guys have a wall, yeah. ( laughter ) to celebrate the festival they
made a giant moon balloon but a typhoon knocked the moon balloon loose. so instead of celebrating, half the city spent the day fleeing in terror. that is not a celebration. my favorite part of the video is the woman there with her bike. the moon is rolling towards her and she's standing there trying to figure out what to do with the bike! that's how you know humans aren't prepared for an alien invasion. we all act like we know what we would do, i'll run, jump over there and -- but when it's actually coming you're, like, ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! i'm gonna die! we have a great show for you tonight. before we get into it, say hello to "the daily show" band! ( cheers and applause ) fantastic. fantastic. thanks, guys. so while china's celebrating the end of fall, hillary clinton has recovered from hers and she's back on the campaign trail.
as you know, she spent the whole week recovering from pneumonia, so her opponent, donald trump, well, he got to be the only candidate out there this week because all his diseases are psychological. ( laughter ) but hillary still had to get her message out there and luckily, she rolls deep. >> her campaign is dispatching a powerful group of surrogates to campaign on her behalf. top white house democrats will be hitting the trail. president obama among them, first lady michelle obama, vice president joe biden -- >> trevor: damn! hashtag squad goals! i also like how no one mentioned tim kaine at all! ( laughter ) you know the campaign says, hillary needs a you, tim, to finish this thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle! you're the only one who can do it! ( laughter ) so obama made time to help out his one-time rival, although that's a gamble. i'm not sure the way to get americans excited about hillary
is by reminding them just how amazing you are. >> more americans are working, more have health insurance, incomes are rising, poverty is falling, and gas is $2 a gallon! ( cheers and applause ) thank you for remin reminding m! thanks, obama! ( cheers and applause ) think about what's happened to the republican party -- donald trump says stuff every day that used to be considered as disqualifying for being president. >> trevor: have you noticed how, when president obama speaks, like he's the only democrat who does pt seem to get a angry when talking about donald trump, he looks bemused that country would go from him to that, even his tone of voice, he's like, wow, you guys, you -- okay, so for me -- okay, let me get this straight, so when you were complaining, you were going to go, oh, okay, i don't
understand -- oh, wow you really didn't like the black thing, h huh? oh, wow. okay. ( laughter ) now the reason obama was in philadelphia is because hillary needs to win pennsylvania and a turnout in philly could decide the election. the big question is how much sway over philadelphians does obama really have? >> we've got somebody who fainted, this is what happens, they will be okay, just give them a little room. everybody bend their knees one time. just don't lock your knees. keep on bending them a little bit. we'll do a little exercise right now. >> trevor: how much charisma can one man have? everyone is like, yeah, bend your knees! bend your knees! bend your knees! maybe this way he'll stay! bend your knees! come on, do it! wouldn't it be so great obama was secretly converting the crowd to islam? all right, bend your knees! now bow towards mecca, folks! okay, trust me, it's for your
health! speaking of health, both donald trump and hillary's health, their records have been in the spotlight recently and up until tad the only thing we've known about donald trump is his health is astonishingly excellent and that assessment came from this guy. dr. harold bornstein. the guy who's surprised you have to wear shoes at a restaurant. anyway, the doctor did a review with nbc apparently shot with a colonoscopy camera. this is on donald trump's health. >> his fiscal strength is extraordinary. he is the healthiest individual to be ever elected to the presidency. >> dr. bornstein, phrases like astonishingly excellent seem a little bit over the top to some people. what do you think about that? is that the way you write most
of your medical letters? >> no, but for plump, i wrote that letter. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? he wrote the letter that way just for trump? your doctor isn't supposed to write the letter in your style of speech. that's newt thing -- that's not a thing. mr. borat's health is glorious! yes, he is as healthy as my wife! (reading as borat). i wouldn't trust this game even in the game of operation. the game would be ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! i'm sorry, man, even if donald trump is healthy, most people can agree we can't accept results from dr. burning man here. for a medical evaluation for a man who wants to be president, you need an opinion from a credible physician or at least someone who looks better on
camera. >> donald trump will discuss his records on the dr. oz show. >> please welcome the republican nominee for the president of the united states, mr. donald trump. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) how do you stay healthy on a campaign trail? >> well, it's a lot of work. when i'm speaking in front of 15,000, 20,000 people and i'm up there using a lot of motion, i guess in its own way, it's a pretty healthy act, and i really enjoy doing it. a lot of times these rooms are very hot, like saunas, and i guess that's a form of exercise. >> trevor: no, no no. i'm sorry. no. did this guy just say that talking is a form of exercise? you can't just say that, guys. things mean things, you can't just say that! donald trump's fit bit is like get the (bleep) out of here, man! that's not exercise! ( laughter ) and you realize, at 70 years old, donald trump would actually be the oldest person to be
elected president of the united states, but luckily -- luckily for everyone, he doesn't see it that way. >> when you look into the mirror, how old is the person you're looking at? what do you see? >> i would say i see a person that's 35 years old. no, i mean, i feel the same. ( applause ) >> trevor: why are the people applauding? why are they applauding delusion? with that face? he looks in the mirror and he sees a 35-year-old man. this is what happens when you replace all your mirrors with paintings. that's what happens. he sees a 35-year-old man. basically jimmy fallon did a sketch with him and trump thought he was talking to himself. all this back and forth talk with trump is amusing and slightly disturbing but the only reason he was there was to disclose his medical records, or
the reason he wanted us to believe he was there. the real reason was to put on a show. >> if your health is as strong as it seems from your review of systems, why not share your medical records? >> i have no problem in doing it. i have it right here. should i do it? i don't care. ( applause ) it's two letters, one is the report and the other is from lennox hill hospital. >> trevor: you want to see? do you want to see, ladies and gentlemen? whaaaaaa! see right there, ladies and gentlemen? that is the brilliance of donald trump because, you see, when trump handed over those two pieces of paper, that was ant full medical report. he might have well given us the printout from a walgreen's blood pressure machine, but because he did it on tv with oprah's doctor, he's closed the books on his health issue and that's why trump is brilliant because he knows the american public doesn't really care about his medical records. yeah, they care about the appearance of medical records, and where better to pull off the
greatest illusion than in the land of oz? ( applause ) now, as incomplete as those records might have been, there was one thing on the show -- there was one thing that trump made sure was included. >> your testosterone is 441 which is actually -- it's good. ( applause ) >> trevor: hmm. you can see in dr. oz's eyes, this number is ridiculous, this is high for a rhino, man. clearly donald trump has a lot of testosterone. that's why under each of his eyes he has an extra ball sack. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. we believe that light beer shouldn't compromise on taste.
thwow, it's nice.ew 2016 chevy malibu. let's check it out. do any of you have kids? i do yes. this car has a feature built in called teen driver technology, which lets parent's see how their teens are driving. oh, that's smart. it even mutes the radio until the seat belt is fastened. will it keep track of how many boys get it in the car? (laughter) cause that could be useful. this is ahead of what my audi has for sure. wish my beamer had that. i didn't even know that technology existed. i'm not in the market for a car but now i may be.
demographic. >> trevor: oh, i would have thought you were 18 to 34. >> no, but i don't even think that when i look in the mirror. ( laughter ) >> trevor: nicely played. >> but i am home alone a lot so i get to watch you on tv. >> trevor: oh, thank you very much. that's really a great compliment. before we get into the interview, schau hillary doing? >> great. she looked great when she left this morning, and i turned on the tv and saw her in north carolina, she looked great, and she just called and said she got home and she still feels good. big deal, she had pneumonia. people get it all the time. >> trevor: can i ask an honest question? when you're watching the video, i know that i was, a lot of people here at the show were, you're afraid watching the video, you go, oh, is everything okay? is there something happening? are you afraid when you see that? >> well, you're always concerned but i was pretty sure i knew what it was because she had been working hard, she was dehydrated, she had been
standing up a long time there, and, you know, she wanted to go to that 9/11 ceremony, and we both thought it would be okay. she felt good, but it's not surprising -- you showed that clip of president obama in philadelphia and somebody fainting, it happens a lot to me, and 90% of the time it's just people are dehydrated, and, so, i didn't worry too much about it. sure enough, she got examined, that's what the doctor said, but she also said he did have -- she did have pneumonia. used to be called walking pneumonia when i was young, but sometimes you can't walk, you have to rest and that's what she did. >> trevor: good to hear. let's get to the reason you're in north here for the 12t 12th annual clinton global initiative. it is a come git tot of some of the most powerful and influential people in the world. why do these people come together for this initiative?
why does everyone feel it is so important? >> i think the primary reason is and the primary reason i started it is that people come here and they talk about a lot of things that are both in the news and are long-term problems, and then they actually make a commitment to do something about it, and we have a staff that works year around to help them develop and keep those commitments so that it's a change agent, and i think it's really done a lot to change philanthropy. more and more people in other forums are trying to do the same thing. don't just talk about something, tell me what you're going to do. >> trevor: yeah. >> and because we were really the first group to try to organize government, business, labor, non-governmental organizations, philanthropists, nations big and small to work together. we've analyzed the commitments, the ones where people are working together with a lot of partners get better results
quicker and tend to do slightly better than the goal they set. >> trevor: there are 11.5 million people the last time i checked who now have access in developing countries to aidsmation because of the -- aids medication because of the foundation. everywhere in africa the clinton foundation has touched, these are governments that you are working with, these are people that you are working with, why is this the final c.g.i., the final gathering? >> well, first of all, the question you asked of me gives me a chance to clarify something. unless one of the partners at c.g.i. asks me foundation which is separate from the global initiative to work with them, i just go there and try to raise money and resources for other people. the work we do in health care has been an independent entity, our health access initiative since 2010, and it's not going to be shut down.
but because you can't do global health care on a scale like we do, like more than half the people in the world in poor countries on aids medicine get the cheapest, best medicine from our group. they build health systems, cut malaria prices and this other stuff. you can't do that without government help. if hillary becomes president that has to be totally arm's length, i can't be involved at all, it needs to be an independent entity and it will be. but what we've done -- including 75% of all the little kids staying alive with aids today and will have normal lives get their medicines off contracts negotiated. we're building health systems in rwanda. we build partners in health from all over the country that were destroyed after the genocide there. it's exhilarating. that's just one of the things we do. if you are trying to make
something good happen and you work together, it's not as hard as it sounds. because i had been president and i knew a lot of people, we could put this together. most of the credit goes to the people who actually do the work, not me. i just try to start the balls rolling. >> trevor: we'll be right back with more. ( cheers and applause ) you may wonder how we pack all that great taste
♪ we were born brothers. competition made us friends. wish bold in the 2017 camry. toyota. let's go places. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." we're here joined by president bill clinton. when you are in a space where a campaign is being run, and this is turning into one of the uglier campaigns that we've seen -- you know, a lot of hateful rhetoric is coming up, you know, whether it with racial, nationalistic, you know, you see the rise of ultra right movements and so on, a lot of misogynistic comments about your wife -- when running that kind of race, when you're out on the trail, you're out there as one of hillary's surrogates. do you feel some of that tension or are you only seeing the positive side of the race?
>> well, if you go and have rallies, you tend to have the people who tend to show up are for you, you know, and your whole goal is to register more of them and make sure they understand they have to vote and talk about arguments that they can make to other people, but for most of my life, each political party had a 40% base, and then there were 20%, they were genuinely up for grabs, by the time the 2000 race came along between al gore and president george w. bush, it was probably down to ten. it may be down to less now. because we're getting siloed. we are siloed in the tv shows we watch and the web sites we scan, everything. america's come so far, we're less racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-religious -- specific religions than we used to be. we have one remaining bigotry, we don't want to be around
anyone who disagrees with us. ( laughter ) the crowd is laughing but they didn't laugh loud because they know i'm telling the truth. ( laughter ) >> trevor: one of the biggest things that has come up over and over in this campaign is do you want more of the same or an outsider, a man who doesn't believe in logic and ideas -- ( laughter ) -- someone who thinks differently. it appears -- >> that's actually accurate. ( laughter ) >> trevor: it appears there are a lot of people who seem to want that. it appears there are a lot of people who say this is what i need. now, you are in the unique position. president obama many times on the trail has said you don't know whatteth like until you sit behind that desk, until you have to make those decisions. experience is touted as one of the most important things. you yourself, though, came in as somewhat of an outsider, so the question then is what is the most experience? what is the most important thing, is it the experience or the willingness to do