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tv   Bad News Bears  Comedy Central  September 17, 2016 5:00pm-7:46pm PDT

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ck! we're past the mile. god. jorge! (stunner buzzing) (vince yelling in pain) (cobrastyle playing) ♪ mi press trigger mi nuh press people button ♪ nuh bodda chat come face mi wid somethin ♪ like how mi have twenty two inna mi somethin ♪ ten haffi use so mi get di next dozen, fool ♪ press trigger mi nuh press people button ♪ nuh bodda chat come face mi wid somethin ♪ like how mi have twenty two inna mi somethin ♪ ten haffi use so mi get di next dozen, fool ♪ anytime they ready punahussy start war ♪ see who now fi spread it out more pon di tar ♪ my style is di bom, digi bom, di deng, di deng digigi ♪ carubuano peer with di bom, digi bom, di deng, di deng digigi ♪ my style is di bom, digi bom, di deng, di deng digigi ♪ carubuano peer with di bom, digi bom, di deng, di deng digigi ♪ punahussy siddung and a watch how man a live ♪ watch yah man a own a own roll big ♪ siddung and a plan fi come put man pon fridge
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♪ memba when yuh dig hole a two yuh fi dig ♪ certain likkle bwoy we a stop deal wid ♪ claim seh dem a friend and dem badmind deh friend ♪ my style is di bom, digi bom, di deng, di deng digigi ♪ carubuano peer with di bom, digi bom, di deng, di deng digigi ( sweet, dreamy theme playing ) ( cool rock theme playing ) ( dog barks ) nice. sorry! good catch. boys, lunch is ready.
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there you go. ( squeaking ) ( woman gasps ) ( screaming ) ain't no doubt about it, lady. you got a load of rats down there. ( gasps ) ( woman whimpering ) damn, is it 3:00? i gotta get outta here. but, wait, what about my basement? well, just call and make a follow-up appointment. it's no problem. but...you... oh, sh-- oh! ( upbeat, cheerful theme playing ) boy: hey, go to first, go to first! man: fire! fire! nice throw. boy 2: hey, hey! over here, over here! man: much faster. go to the ball, go to the ball. here we go. couple more. boy 3: throw it, second base! boy 4: throw it. man: safe.
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( team chattering ) boy: cover the bag, cover the bag. man: bring it in. here you go. ( team chattering ) ( motorcycle approaching ) ahhh... got one of those for me? nice try, you little creep.
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mr. buttermaker. mr. buttermaker. you're late. i got held up, sorry about that. are you drinking? oh, hell, no. that's, uh... nonalcoholic. i'm drivin', you know. ( laughs ): oh. i'm so sorry. you hear that, toby? drinking and driving don't mix. that's right. stay away from crack too. one hit of that stuff, and you wake up in prison married to some guy named big blue, and he's branding his initials in your ass with a hot coat hanger. i knew a guy. uh-- uh-- uh, yes, crack...is bad too. yeah, i know, mom. but we are really excited to have you do this, and toby's really excited to play. aren't ya, honey? uh-huh. between his trumpet lessons, photo club, boy scouts and swimming, this is his favorite, isn't it, honey? can you believe they tried to keep these kids out of the league? all kids should be able to play baseball, no matter what their skills.
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well, i think they heard me loud and clear. all that aside, forget i filed the injunction. just go out there and have fun. don't let the legalese crimp your enthusiasm in any way. yeah, i got enthusiasm flying out my ass. got the check? it's a shame none of the fathers could be here. is that thing glued to your fingers? oh! ( laughs ) i almost forgot. there. i think it's really important what we're doing for the kids. i feel really good about it, don't you? yeah. ( inhales ) ohhh... toby, have fun. mr. buttermaker? yeah. is it true you were on the mariners? long ago and far away. here, carry that.
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where do we get the equipment? over there. woman: sorry the stuff's so ratty, but this is a six-team league. and i'm afraid your boys are gettin' the s-p-i-t end of the stick. yeah, i can spell it all right. does she think i'm 11? woman: nice goin', girls! ( girls cheering ) announcer ( over p.a. ): next up for the flyers, number 9, sarah green. girl softball players. think we all know what that means, right? how you doin'? ray bullock. hey, morris buttermaker-- no, no, no. no introduction necessary. morris "the blade" buttermaker. carvin' up batters, one by one. huh? sound familiar? i used to watch you over at regis field in high school. you were...amazing. man, i was just a kid, but...you owned it. it's great you're doin' this, morris, really. i mean, a pro, finally, somebody who gets it, you know?
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i gotta tell you, a lot of these dads, they don't... they don't understand the dedication that it takes to run a serious program. no offense, but that, uh... "ms." whitewood friend of yours, she's-- she's not helping things, you know? i mean, yeah, i get it. we were a little selective, kept some of the lesser players out. but...stoppin' the season till we complied? come on. this is a serious program. not because i want it that way, either. it's for the kids, you know? ah, listen to me goin' on and on. you know what it takes. anyway, i think we're gonna have a lot of fun. learn a lot from each other, you know? huh? you know... i never thought i'd hear myself say, "look at the ass on that second baseman." but look at the ass on that second baseman. a lot of brisket butt.
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all right. well, listen, i'll-- i'll see you around. uh...or stop by, see me sometime. i'm over at chevy valley subaru. "quality you can drive." heh. ( fun, mellow theme playing ) all you need is a jar of honey and a glass coffee table. it's more fun than a taffy pull, i promise you. buttermaker! ( laughs ) buttermaker... they're here. see you later, buttermaker. come on. kid, let me explain something to you, okay? ( clears throat ) all right, listen up. tanner boyle. yeah, here. mike engelberg.
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here. timmy lupus. timmy lupus? raise your hand, lupus. he can't see you sitting behind planet fat ass. up your... tanner! ( tanner yelling ) buttermaker: come on, come on, come on. play nice. hey, hey, hey. let go of him. prem lahiri. present. but you don't have to use me. i'm just doing this for my transcript, for college. okay. ( clears throat ) let's see, toby white-- oh, whitewood, i know you're here. um... matthew hooper? matthew hooper? okay, no hooper. the hell? garo dara-gaga-braga-dagian. what the hell is that, aztec or something? armenian. ah, same. they both built pyramids. all right.
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uh... ahmad abdul rahim. here. yo, bro, what up? nothing much. just ready to play some baseball. twenty-five, huh? ken griffey, right? no. satchel paige? no. no? willie mays? no, it's mark mcgwire. ( chuckles ): mark mcgwire? but he's a white. yes, he's from claremont. he's my favorite player. ( chuckles ) okay. uh, agilar... miguel and jose. you guys twins? estoy, sir, apesadumbrado. no hablamos inglés. nuestro padre dijo que podríamos jugar béisbol aquí. yo quisiera jugar a la tercera base, y a mi hermano-- you-- you can save it, son. i-i don't understand a damn thing you're sayin', okay? all right. got the damn league of nations here. their dad's our gardener. mom said we need 'em to fill out the team. okay, let's hit the field. come on. tanner: jeez. could this team be any lamer? so there's no hooper? you don't know a matthew hooper? you don't know where he is?
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boy: right here. you gotta be kidding me. that's right, i'm in a wheelchair! ( bizet's "habanera" playing ) okay. buttermaker: charge it. oh, yeah, that's chargin' it, all right. good hustle. there you go, bro. ow! another good one. what's the--? what's the cripple kid's name? engelberg: hooper. hooper. hooper! roll your machine up. don't necessarily have to catch it, i guess. can't hope for miracles, can you? you gotta get under the ball. there's too many gnats out here. ( bat cracks )
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( sighs ) buttermaker: give me a ball. the hell is that, a baggy full of bacon? i'm on atkins. what? i have to eat all the time to keep my metabolism up so my body becomes a fat-burning machine so airheads like you don't give me spit all the time! easy, sport. all right, get ready. it's comin' at you. you might wanna back up. ( clears throat ) guys, it's a bunt. you seemed to imply you're going to hit it out here. yeah. engelberg, that's a bunt, bud. you're supposed to pick it up, throw the guy out at first base, okay? here we go again, pickin' on the fat kid.
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there's laws against this, you know. harassment! you better shut up before i tell somebody you touched my pecker. tanner: engelberg, will you throw the damn ball already? ( glass smashes ) okay, listen up. listen very carefully. rule number one: don't mess with the cadillac. engelberg: calm down. it's a piece of crap anyway. for your information, it's a classic. and i got half a mind to find your old man and kick him in the nuts so hard he can never foul the earth with another like you. so you keep your trap shut, okay? ooh! toby: we're gonna get laughed at. we only have a week till the season starts. everyone's gonna laugh at us. this game is about a lot more than talent, son.
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believe me. ( horn playing dignified melody ) ( band playing festive polka music ) bullock: i-i'm out there with the kids for nothing. and i'm gettin' very tired of having to justify myself to parents who drop the kid off at 4:00, call me at midnight, wonderin' why he's so pissed off. say, ray, you got a minute--? i wanna say to them, "i'm not your babysitter, i'm your coach." oh, yeah. mr. bill deaver. hey. hey. just...checking in. just checkin' in. listen, ray, um, i wanted to see if maybe, uh, jake could... get a little more playing time this season. he's been workin' hard. it would really mean a lot to him. yeah. sure. why not? really--? well, great. well, uh-- thanks a lot, ray. ( laughs ): guys. you know, i spoke to your boy. you know what he said to me? what? he said all that matters to him is that we win.
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even if it means givin' up a little game time. really? yeah. i was really touched by this. he's a hell of a team player. thanks, ray. i appreciate it. thanks. that's the kind of horse crap i'm talking about right there. exactly. unbelievable. ( festive polka music continues playing ) man: oh! ( woman scoffs ) hey, buttermaker, ya made it. and you brought... oh, this is my friend paradise. hi, nice to meet ya. hey, buttermaker, you gotta get your uniform orders in. uniforms? yeah. all the good colors are taken: black and white, red and white, blue and white, white and blue, white and black, white and red. they're all gone. what uniforms? whitewood: mochte ich nicht sweet and sour, okay? no sweet and sour. just cointreau, patrón, lime juice and superfine salt.
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bartender: yes, ma'am. listen, whitewood, what's the deal with the uniforms? what about them? i didn't-- well, what's-her-name said that i gotta have uniforms. i don't know about-- hey, buddy, gimme a beer and a... a c&c. bartender: yes, sir. buttermaker, you don't actually buy them. you just need a sponsor. you're the coach, it's your job. okay, so not only do i have to coach the bronze medalist for the special olympics, but i gotta be an amway salesman too, is that it? buttermaker, don't turn this into high drama. do what other coaches do: restaurants, sporting-goods stores, you know. you know, i got a job. i got houses to spray. it's ant season, you know? what is it about being a man that makes everything so hard? i own my own law firm. i'm a single mother, and i still have time for extension courses, pilates, the flower-seed business, pottery-- you know what, i'm busy too, okay? i got important crap to do. i got stuff stacked up all over the place. okay? mm-hmm.
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come on, buttermaker, let's go. ( john fogerty's "centerfield" playing ) ( siren wailing in distance ) ♪ well, beat the drum ♪ and hold the phone ♪ the sun came out today um... mr. buttermaker? yeah. where are we going? already told you, to the batting cages. you guys swing like helen keller at a piñata party. gonna do somethin' about it. tell us about the majors, coach. ahmad: you were in the majors? yeah, for a little while. hey, lupus,
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don't lean against that door, bud, all right? yes, i was recently perusing baseballstats.org, and it said mr. buttermaker played pitcher for the seattle mariners for 2/3 of an inning in 1984. two-thirds? that's it? well, it was the end of the season. you know, september call-ups. yes, his lifetime era was 36. that's lame. yeah, well, i closed the inning out, okay? there's only a few thousand guys ever set foot on a major league mound. i'm one of 'em. what have you done with your life, smartass? why didn't you stay? well, i was gonna come back, but i...had a little incident. i punched an ump. really just a bitch-slap, but i dunno. how the hell was i supposed to know he was a bleeder? fourteen stitches. like that means something. they used to stitch everything up. it was like the dark ages. i got stitches on my foot. oh, yeah? well, i'm in a damn wheelchair. ♪ put me in, coach ♪ i'm ready to play anyway, after that, i blew off a few offers. you know, japan, stuff like that. you know what i mean?
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( door opens ) lupus: whoa! crap. ( tanner laughing ) engelberg: what the hell? prem: is he okay? hooper: it's not my fault. lupus. lupus? lupus? lupus. the hell are you grinnin' at? you scared the hell outta me. don't be leanin' on the door. army reserve soldiers use their skills
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the bud light party wasn't invited to the debates. but we don't need them. we have debates of our own every night. a hotdog is a sandwich. over bud lights, of course. it's pronounced jif. you cannot outrun a zebra. here's to good natured civil debates. also, it's gif.
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( suspenseful theme playing ) ( mice squeaking ) buttermaker: how many are in there? the infestation's quite advanced. all right, pull the pin, throw it. ( gas hissing ) ( coughing ) buttermaker: there you go. good job, buddy. good job, man. you're a natural. ( wheezes ): thanks. die! die! how you like that, huh? hey! you sprayed my foot, dumb-ass. oh, yeah?
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hey! hey! hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! stop it! it's expensive. all right? thanks for holdin' the fort down, buddy. hey, i got somethin' for ya. you're gonna dig this. hey, guys, come here a minute. got somethin' for ya. now you can quit your bitching about the whole uniform thing. ( boys cheering ) here you go. hey, harper. heads up, buddy. hooper: it's "hooper." there you go. ( all chattering ) ( happy, peaceful theme playing ) engelberg: cannonball!
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okay. tanner: hey, engelberg. you do that again, you'll learn how to surf. garo: mr. buttermaker? we have a game tomorrow. shouldn't we be practicing? buttermaker: uh-huh. lupus, alcohol. excellent. god bless you. you got a future, lupus. you ever play with anyone famous? hell, yeah, i played with people who are famous. what do you think? i mean, i was in the game, you know. oh, i know one. one time, i struck out mike schmidt in an exhibition game. struck his ass right out. it was 1980. it was two outs, bottom of the seventh inning. it was the bottom of the seventh. top of the seventh. it was top of the seventh.
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and when i put my foot on that rubber, i was zoned in, man. it was just one of those times when... ...you just know you got it workin', you know? ( cool, lively theme playing ) ahhh... all right, tubby. i'm gonna throw you something called a screwball. it's an old-school thing. now, it's gonna look like it's coming right at ya, but it's gonna drop right off the table. so you don't bail out, you gotta stick in there. you see what i'm sayin'? ow! son of a bitch! shake it off. next. ah! damn it! i know it stings a little bit, but it's worth it. okay, here it comes. ah! it's all right, kid. you had a helmet on. imagine if you didn't. you know what i'm sayin'? ow! oh! what are you doing, buttermaker? ow!
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okay. comin' at ya. whoa! hey! what--? hooper: mr. buttermaker? is he dead? hell, no. he's drunk. the season starts tomorrow. we don't got our positions, batting order, nothing. what are we gonna do? we ain't ready to play. we got nothin' but a boozer for a coach. we can wait till he sobers up. yeah, right. nothing else we can do. screw this. i'm taking his wallet. el borracho lo merece. gimme! gimme-- hey, watch it! leave me alone! gimme that! ( grand, bold march playing ) ( grunting ) ( march continues playing )
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( indistinct chatter ) right this way. good. ( shutter clicks ) ( shutter clicks ) man ( over p.a. ): because in this time of terror, there is one thing we all need: the grace of our lord, our heroes overseas... ( mild applause ) ...and baseball. ( mild applause ) "casey at the bat" by ernest thayer. "the outlook wasn't brilliant for the mudville nine that day. ( man continues speaking indistinctly ) announcer: all rise for the national anthem. ( band playing "star-spangled banner" )
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buttermaker. where have you been? you missed the team photo. i was just gettin' gatorade for the guys, you know. oh. well, we need to talk about this. my son can't wear this. we'll get him another size. no big deal. that's not what i'm talking about. mm-hmm. look, it's a legitimate business, honey. you know, they pay taxes like everybody else.
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don't be shy. you're all family. a little bit closer. act like you love each other. alright! [mom] where's your brother? [sister] ugh, not again. [dad] buddy, come here. what're you doin? c'mon big guy. [sister] weirdo. all right, here we go. say nuts! nuts! peaches are members of the almond family. hm! put some flavor in your break. make time for snapple. you guys ever try one of these bars made over at right twix? why? our special cookie is cascaded with caramel and cloaked in chocolate.
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( cheering & applause ) bullock: all right, can you believe it? it's here, opening day. well, we got a lot of great athletes this year, and, uh, i'm lookin' forward to a great season. ( motorcycle approaching ) before we get started, i do wanna remind you that it is summer discount days at valley chevy subaru. so, uh, come on down if you get a chance. meanwhile, so many volunteers... ( crowd chattering )
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and, uh, people that i wanna thank-- hey, hey, hey! what is he--? what's his--? hey, get-- hey, get the hell off my field! i'll deal with you later, you little punk! come on. hurry up. let's go. come on. okay. um... let's welcome all our, uh, teams. ( feedback squealing ) uh... we got... ray bullock and our returning champs, the yankees. ( cheering & applause ) lenny hendricks and the giants. ( cheering & applause ) ex-mariner morris buttermaker and the bears. man: who? ( women cheering ) bob jones and the white sox.
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play ball! man: all right, let's go. man 2: c'mon, yankees! ( cheering & applause ) bullock: there you go, mitch. there you go! bullock: round it, round it, round it! bullock: there you go! alrighty! that's it! announcer ( over p.a. ): number 9, joey bullock. that's it, that's it, that's it. go! joey! joey! announcer: and that's a two-run homer for joey bullock. that's my boy. we worked on that! announcer: the yankees lead 3-nothing. way to go, sweetie. that's your boy. announcer: next batter, number 3, danny patello. let's go, danny! ( bizet's "song of the toreador" playing )
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go two, go two, go two! ( cheering & applause ) get off me! let go. ( cheering & applause )
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( cheering & applause ) i got it! i got it! what do you think, lupus? sometimes bird poo tastes like candy. aren't you supposed to be in left field? where you goin', coach? keep your drawers on, officer, i'll get back to you. hey, bullock.
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announcer: up next, number 8, brian fox. morris the blade. i'm callin' it. what? what're you talkin' about? i'm callin' the game. the kids are gettin' creamed out there, you know? yeah, it's a bloodbath. yeah. umpire: ball one! don't wanna make quitters outta them now, do you? they don't have to quit. they're losin', can't you see? eh, 10-run rule kicks in after three. i think you should hang on. yeah? yeah. umpire: ball two! then after that, maybe you think about...pft! what? ( softly ): you know, drop-- dropping out. huh? what'd ya say? dropping out of the league. morris, this isn't gonna work. they don't know the fundamentals of the game out here. to save them the humiliation. i'm callin' the game, okay? hey, i'm just trying to help. where's the honor and respect for the game from the former pro, by the way? who the hell are you, shoeless joe walkin' out of the holy cornfield? i don't buy that. i'm callin' the game. all right, call it. quit. quit the whole league. what i just said. forfeit. time!
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it's over. bears forfeit! game over! ( cheering & applause ) all: heyyyyyyyy... one, two, three, bears! move. it's not that bad, but-- shut the hell up, drunk bastard! okay. hey, bears, thanks for batting practice. ( laughs ): yeah, you guys suck. i'll give you batting practice! hey, hey, hey. come here. come here. get down off of there. get your hands off of me! thanks. i really needed another reason for people to laugh at me. ♪ my brother and i have always been rivals. we would dream about racing each other, in monaco. ♪
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♪ pchu! did you already start it? wow, did she just tunnel out of a prison? your daughter was teaching the dog to roll over. wow, she really committed to the part. oh, oh, oh, oh... i found this... (dax) i hope that's mud. one more. forgot these. bingo. we should really just live outdoors. (dax) i'm down... ♪
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the honey in honey nut cheerios likes to take its sweet time. [sighs] that's why we make them for you. ( "habanera" playing softly and solemnly ) ( brakes squeak ) need a ride? go away.
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come on, hop in. i'll take you home. i'm not going home. ( sighs ) all right, what's wrong? my dad's not from here. he thinks baseball's stupid. he says i should just worry about school and work. but i wanna do the things my friends do. you know, american things. he said if i played, i'd just embarrass myself. guess he was right. i'm just gonna run away. where you gonna go? salt lake city. ( chuckles ): why the hell would you wanna go there? i hear it looks like washington, d.c. listen, kid... you don't wanna go to salt lake, trust me. they don't even like africans up there. armenian. yeah, right. right.
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( sighs ) anyway, i think i can help you. yeah? yup. how? here's what you do: you go home, you look your old man straight in the eye, and you say, "guess what, dad. we won today." you know? but we didn't win. i know that. you lie your ass off. it's the only way. look, this is america. besides that, you know, he's not gonna know. he's from riki tiki tavi, or wherever the hell it is. i used to do it with my pop all the time. really? yeah. you just tell 'em what they wanna hear. you know, "i didn't take the stereo." "i don't smoke." "she said she was 18." you know, stuff like that. it's all part of growing up. the important thing is, is that you're right, and they're wrong. maybe i'll just tell him we tied. you could do that. that'll work. now, come on, i'll take you home. let's go.
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woman: 180 bucks? that's norma kamali. it's vintage. they can't even make rayon like that anymore. woman: really. hey, does your mother know you're sellin' that crap? what are you doin' here? just passin' by. after three years? three years? it's been three years? well, you sure are growin' up fast, that's for sure. not fast enough, if you ask me. there's plenty of time for that, honey. just like that story about the... caterpillar who's crawlin' along like a worm, and then the next thing you know, he's in that cocoon and... bam! "look at me now, i'm a... moth or whatever the hell i turn into," you know? i don't want wings. i want nice hips and c cups. hey, don't talk like that. what's wrong with you? come on. so how's your mom? she's fine. what do you care? amanda, listen,
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just 'cause we didn't get along so well all the time, doesn't mean i don't care about her, okay? you know, adults, they... sometimes, i don't know, it's just-- it's like that story i was tellin' you about the caterpillar and the worm deal. you just walked out, you jerk. you could've said goodbye. well, i'm sorry. ( huffs ) so, what do you want? why are you here? i'm coachin' a team out in the valley, and i was just thinkin', you know, maybe...you might wanna... come play with us. no way. i'm a woman now, and we don't do that kind of thing. well, sure you do. girls play baseball all the time. besides that, you owe me. i was like a dad to you. a drunk, lazy dad. you made me climb under houses looking for rats. well, that's what my dad did. builds character. this guy bothering you, amanda? no, it's okay. he was just going. go away, boilermaker. you're scarin' off the clientele. designer jeans. calvins, jordache,
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certified vintage. ( light, playful theme playing ) what do you say there, hooper? you feelin' ready today? gonna go get them? what's with the eye patch? you gonna swab the on-deck circle for us, matey? huh? playin' pirate? mom says i have cancer of the eye. the hell's wrong with you guys? we don't wanna play no more. hooper: we took a vote. we're disbanding the team. so one game, and you wanna quit, is that it? we've been taking a lot of crap in school. prem: by "crap," he means ridicule. ( sighs ): and de-pantsing. it's been tough. really? tough, huh? the hell happened to you, tanner? got in a fight.
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with who? the sixth grade. buttermaker: the sixth grade. so i guess you wanna quit too, huh? okay. ( sighs ) look, guys, i know i've been lazy... and, uh... irresponsible and a few other things i could mention. and i've let you down. baseball's hard, guys. i mean, it really is. you can love it, but believe me, it don't always love you back. it's kind of like dating a german chick, you know? but what i do know is that once you start quitting, it's a hard thing to stop. i've quit just about everything i ever tried in my life. ( sighs ) as far as i can tell...
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my life hasn't added up to much more than a bag full of empty promises. and i'm not gonna put that on you guys. i haven't been as good a coach as i can be. i know i can do it 'cause i-- i know this game. you know, and... and we can do better, and a lot of that's my responsibility, so... um... i know you're down, but... let's get our stuff together, and-- and go hit the field. okay? you with me? like i said, we took a vote. this is not a democracy! it is a dictatorship, and i'm hitler! you understand me? so get your stuff, and get your asses on the field! this saturday we play the athletics. and you know what that means for the athletics? bad news for the athletics, that's what it means.
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on a artisan potato bun. jack's new brewhouse bacon burger, new from jack in the box. hey, where did jack go? he was just here. all right, guys, keep the ball in front of you. keep you knees bent, your butt down. that way if it hops either way... see? you use your legs. all right? ( bizet's "song of the toreador" playing ) you wanna run this way. catch the ball like that. kids: yeah! kids: nice! three. see? swivel on the back foot, throw your hips, and keep your eye on the ball. you follow the ball right into here. see that? okay? try it, sparkplug. swing out a little bit when you run around the bases. you wanna point in this direction. left foot on the inside of the bag. you're gonna push off with that left foot.
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what's with the patch? nothing. cat scratched me. but don't tell buttermaker. engelberg: dying... dying... you know, there's a mennonite anecdote about a simple farm hand who lifted a calf every morning until one day he found himself able to lift a cow. what the hell does that mean? if we stay focused, eventually our strength will build. that's the dorkiest stuff i've ever heard. come on, guys! two more laps! you're draggin' ass! nice... engelberg. buttermaker. glad i caught ya. feel like we got off on the wrong foot last week. said some things we didn't mean, you know. let's forget about it, huh? sorry. all right. all right...
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...you're sorry too, or...? i said, all right. okay? uh-huh. how's that? how's what? you feel that? feel what? hm? you know, your face is turning a little red, ray. so, uh... you know, what it might be is those, uh... gym shorts might be a little tight for ya. hm. looks like you're smuggling grapes down there. smells like somebody ate a fifth of scotch for lunch again. not that it's any of your business, you know... mm. really? ...but maybe, so... all right. you know what? you keep stinkin' up the ballpark, buttermaker. yeah, yeah, okay. you play your game, we'll play ours, ray. how's that? well, good luck with that.
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the championship game's gonna be a lot of fun. it would be more fun if you guys were there, huh? oh, we'll be there, morris. don't worry about that. hey, i know all about you. minor league junkballer. what'd you have, five seconds in the majors? may work with the ladies, but that crap doesn't work out here. these kids need role models. and you're not it. have a nice night, ray. strike three! ( cheering & applause ) engelberg, i got something special for you. it's for power hitters. thanks, coach. announcer ( over p.a. ): now batting for the bears, number 20, mike engelberg. what the hell is this? i don't know. buttermaker, what the hell are you trying to pull?
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hey, it's a league bat, okay? you're on thin ice, pal. you try one more stunt like this again, i'm gonna bounce you out of the league. boy: good game. tanner: bite me. boy 2: good game. good job. kiss my ass. kiss my ass. bitch. what are you smiling at, henry? all: up the alley, down the street, who's the toughest team to beat? bears! bears! yay, bears! hey, come on, guys. sit up straight, you look like a bunch of hound dogs. you got nothing to be ashamed of. you got a few hits today. you played all six innings. you ought to be proud of yourselves. proud of what? these things take time, guys. so does heart disease. and torture. and physical therapy.
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um, i did do some simple flowcharting and data analysis. and if you got graph out our errors and other parameters, compared to the last game, we've actually improved by a considerable percentage. great. we went from suck to stink. see, that's the spirit. we're getting better. now, friday we play the angels. now, what does that mean for the angels?! all: bad news for the angels. you're damn right, it does. now, come on. get off your asses, let's go get some hotdogs and some sunny d or whatever the hell you guys drink these days. ( indistinct chatter ) ( whistling cheerfully ) just leave me alone, will you, buttermaker? i'm too young to have a stalker. come on, amanda, just a few games, please?
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i need to make money. i need to buy clothes, makeup. i'm saving up for a car. you wear makeup? what happened to the... barbie...oven with the... muffin light? that was like 20 years ago. i'm all grown up now. yeah, you're probably right. i'm sure your arm sucks now, anyhow. god, that is so lame. reverse psychology? you're such a loser. man, you must have a big one, 'cause i don't know what else my mom saw in you. you're not supposed to be talkin' about my-- my one. you're 12 years old. as far as you know, i'm like g.i. joe down there, okay? i have the internet, you know. i'm not stupid. just come play with us, will you? i-it'll be fun... i'll pay for the clothes, okay? and i'll help you out with a car. wh-when it gets to that time. but you know, you just-- no!
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don't you get it? just...no. all right, i've been disappointed before. ( ted nugent's "stranglehold" playing ) buttermaker: all right, guys, listen up. this is amanda whurlitzer. she's your new pitcher. tanner: a girl. what's next, a cripple? oh. i forgot. ( chuckles ) hey. ain't you ever heard of "throws like a girl"? no, i never heard that. get a mitt, fat-ass.
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i think i just entered puberty. kid: come on, amanda. stee-rike three! ( cheering & applause ) announcer ( over p.a.): up next, number 18, justin cahill. boy: you can hit it. c'mon, let's go. woman: watch her. man: beat it out now, come on. he's out! announcer: now batting for the angels, second baseman yanek goldanueva. hey, hooper, check this out. she's gonna come with a changeup. i can tell. she's psychin' him out. changeup is when it looks like it's gonna be a fastball,
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but she takes a little off of it. strike three! you're out! ball four! take your base. come on, somebody hit something. announcer: next batter, ahmad abdul rahim. man: watch it. ( cheering & applause ) tanner: go! safe! ahmad. ( slow, mysterious theme playing ) garo. announcer: next up for the bears, toby whitewood. toby. man: i say we shut 'em down, huh? umpire: ball! buttermaker: watch this, hooper. the catcher's good.
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just good enough to get in trouble. strike one! run, run, run! safe! yes! buttermaker: all right! way to go, guys! way to go! good hustle! they're playin' ball now, man. they're playin' ball. ( cheering & laughter ) ball four! take your base. come on, guys! let's hold 'em! can't win if they don't score. announcer: number 28, tyler coen. way to go, miguel! good catch, buddy! way to go! we need two more, guys. two more. strike three! buttermaker: come on, guys! two out. we need one more, amanda. shut 'em down, honey. announcer: number 15, jack kruger.
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( crowd cheering ) tanner: get under it! get under it! tanner: throw it! throw the ball! hurry! come on! safe! ( cheering & applause ) tanner: what the hell is wrong with you? announcer: and the angels win, 2-1. buttermaker: come on, guys, gather in. endless shrimp is back at hold red lobster.rks. that means you get to try as much as you want... ...of whatever flavors are calling your name. seriously. like new garlic sriracha-grilled shrimp. it's a little spice... ...a little sizzle... ...and a lot just right. and try new parmesan peppercorn shrimp. helloooo crispy goodness. and the classic... ...handcrafted shrimp scampi... ...you can't get enough of?
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can't you catch one damn ball? come on, tanner. even i could have caught that, and look at me. can't even move. hey, guys, come on. it's like i told you before, there's no i in "team." yeah? but there's an m and an e. there should be an f and a u. hey, hey. don't fall apart at the seams on me now. come on, guys. remember how bad we sucked two weeks ago? they smelled that up in fresno. you almost won today. hold your heads up high. everybody in. let's go. ready. one, two, three. all: bears! good hit. that was a good one. choke up on your bat. about that far, okay? put it back on your shoulder. back here. there you go, all right? excellent. there you go. yes, sir. good cut, honey. last pitch, guys!
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( cool rock theme playing ) all right, guys, let's bring it in! sister sledge, that kid's got an arm on him. who is that? that's kelly leak. yep. he's a real badass. el es un demonio. como el chupacabra. i heard he spent two years in juvie. buttermaker: you don't know how old he is, do you? toby: he's in our grade, but he dates an eighth-grader. someone told me he got a teacher pregnant. engelberg: i heard he broke some kid's arm who owed him money. ahmad: why, i heard he broke both of his arms. i heard he puts money under your pillow when you lose a tooth. that's the tooth fairy, you freak. prem: actually, he only broke one arm. the other was just a minor fracture at the base of the humerus. who cares about that crap, can he play? you kidding? you saw that arm.
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i don't know, honey. i'll be fine. ( sighs ) i don't like the looks of the place. i mean, look at those creeps. i'll be fine. i'm cool. you sure? yeah. you don't want me to go with you? no, i'm good. don't talk to anybody but what's-his-ass. i'll be fine. amanda? shut up. okay? ( wild rock playing over speakers ) i bet i could do what you just did, easy. how much? i pull it off, you come play for the bears? and if you don't? whatever you want. ( laughs ) deal.
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( humming indistinctly ) well, what happened? no deal. no deal? i thought you said you were good at this. i am. he's better. see you later. what does that mean? "i'll see you later"? i thought you said he was out. he is. i just lost the bet, and now i have to go out with him. you have to go out with him? you mean out like "out"? huh? you're 12. there ain't no "out" when you're 12. calm down, boilermaker. it's just a show with some stupid band. i'm not a little girl anymore. i had my period, all right? do--? do you want me to have a stroke or something? shut up. i'll be fine. well, i'm goin' to the concert with you. whatever.
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it's just some dumb skate band. what the hell is a skate band? you know, a skate band. the bloodfarts. bloodfarts. the bloodfarts? oh, i'm-- i'm goin' with ya. bet your ass on that. ( groans ) no doubt. i'm goin' with ya. ( cool rock theme playing ) umpire: strike three! strike three! strike three! yeah, way to go, amanda. good game. buttermaker: pitched a good game, amanda. no duh. too bad we couldn't even score one run. well, that's okay. we're doin' better. we tied, guys. i mean, i know a tie's a lot like kissin' your sister, as my old coach used to say. but...the way we've been comin' along, it's more like kissin' a...really hot stepsister, or something like that, you know, that you don't have so much, uh, tied up in. but, um...
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ahem, anyway, uh, i think... i'm-- i'm just sayin', pat yourselves on the back. stay focused. i'll catch up with you guys. kelly, how you doin'? girl: later. hey, coach. i haven't seen you around. what you been up to? nothin'. wait. i have seen you around. we haven't even talked since you pulled that little... evel knievel stunt the other day out there, huh? what's an "evel knievel"? don't be a smart-ass. i could have called the cops on you for that. thanks. i'm real scared. no, i'm serious. vandalizing public property. disturbing the peace. you're too young to be riding that thing, you know. you're just a kid. kelly, this field, it's for ball players. it's not for quitters. if it was for quitters, it'd be your field. but it's not.
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i'd call your dad, if anybody knew where he was. listen, old man-- hey, now, you listen to me. nobody wants you around here, all right? do you understand? do you think people like seeing your nuts?
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hey, look who it is. yeah, it's the bears' best player. ( chuckling ) push. ha, this potty's rockin'. hope you're not gettin' wet! ( both laughing )
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tanner: hey! nobody picks on him but me! jimmy: let's go! come on! ah! ( laughs ) yeah, that's right. run away, bitches! ( both chuckling ) nobody ever stood up for me before. yeah? maybe if you weren't such a spaz all the time, i wouldn't have to. buttermaker: all right, guys, inside corner of the bag. hey, guys? let's bring it in. come on, to the dugout. everybody to the dugout. hey, buttermaker. yeah.
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remember that time i played sick, and mom went to work and then you busted me? mm-hmm. and then-- you guys, sit down! and then we went to zuma and went bodysurfing? uh-huh. we should do that again. sit down. i got something to talk to you about. mr. buttermaker. don't-- tanner-- mr. buttermaker. what? i gotta leave early today. we're doing leather tanning in art club. okay, go. another class. great, okay. buttermaker: all right, guys, listen up. "to coach buttermaker from league headquarters. "regarding player safety and league liability. "a reminder that according to regulation 236, "all players must wear a comprehensive genital defense apparatus." now, basically, what that translates to is that if any you guys get hurt, then they're gonna sue my ass so hard, they're gonna garnish my turds. so wear these things. pass them down, sweetie. also, you'll wanna write your names on 'em, because that's how you get crabs. and trust me, you don't wanna spend your sunday afternoon pickin' through your pumpkin patch with a little comb. gimme one.
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gotta protect the family jewels. who you kidding? when's the last time you even saw 'em? para la protección de sus huevos preciosos. does that make any sense? yeah. do you speak latin? i'm much better at latin. ( scoffs ) i don't need these. buttermaker: really? i'll take it. engelberg: all right. he can throw all right, but you think he can hit? let's find out. here. is that all you got? okay. got a smart-ass here. burn it up. don't hold back. ( bizet's "march of the toreadors" playing ) ( crowd cheering )
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( all cheering ) ( eric clapton's "cocaine" playing over speakers ) hey, what time you get off? engelberg, what kind of diet lets you eat seven hotdogs? no buns. i can have as many as i want, idiot. my dad says the only people who put ketchup on hotdogs... are mental patients... and texans. chinese people count with beads. all: ♪ she don't lie, she don't lie she don't lie ♪
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♪ cocaine ( all whooping ) hey, coach. ♪ ow! ( bloodfarts playing "wipeout" ) ( crowd cheering ) ( "wipeout" continues playing ) out! ♪ ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh
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♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ yeah! ♪ let's go ♪ all right ♪ all right umpire: you're out! ♪ go ♪ go ♪ let's go, let's go let's go, let's go ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ yeah! ♪ all right ( crowd cheering ) ♪ all right safe! ♪ go! ♪ go! ♪ let's go, let's go let's go, let's go ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ( crowd cheering ) ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh
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♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh come on, get outta my way. damn it! let go of me! watch it. i said, watch it! let go of me! let me tell you something-- hey! put me down! put me down! put me down! damn it. ( "wipeout" ends ) thank you. god bless you, francois. sorry i'm late, but, uh... i've been up to my ears in rat pellets all day. oh. that's okay. thank you for coming. no sweat. buttermaker, you deserve a celebration. what you have done for toby and those children, it is nothing short of miraculous. i mean, we are one game away from the championships. it's... unbelievable. it's... congratulations. thank you. well, the kids are great. you know, they really are. so it's, you know, kind of their deal.
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you know, i have to admit that while growing up, i was never much for sports, or the sports-type, really. but since i've been watching you turn the team around, i have been thinking a lot about you. i have an effect on women. really. yeah. well, i haven't paid for sex in years. i think a lot of it has to do with, um... getting older and... you know, being more distinguished. that's it, yeah. i was thinking more along the lines of the dangerous type. what you hear about the... bad boy, the sexy scumbag, the serial killer who gets married in prison. i...have never felt like that... until i met you. well...
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thanks. ( toilet flushing ) mr. buttermaker. what do you say, whitewood? wh--? wh--? what are doin' here? um... listen, kid, i, uh... there's something, um... ...that you need to do, and that's oil your mitt all the time. so i came by to check and make sure you oil your mitt. really? mm-hmm. yeah, i'm always watchin', yeah. okay, i'll go get it. be right back. good deal. i don't have to tell you who we'll play for the pennant when we blow past these giants today. right now, we're the hottest team in the league. what does that mean for the giants?
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all: bad news for the giants! engelberg: yeah! here we go. one, two, three! all: break! hey, kelly, hang on. listen, i want you to be like a vacuum cleaner out there today, all right? anything even close to you, you suck it up. these boys are a little weak. i don't wanna blow it, all right? we're knocking on the door, understand? c'mon, let's go! all right, guys, let's go. ( bizet's "les tringles des sistres tintaient" playing ) buttermaker: way to go, kelly! way to go, buddy! way to hustle. way to hustle. strike three! announcer: shortstop, vigo gonzales. i got it! i got it! hey, i told you i got it. yeah. sorry.
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way to go! way to go, tanner. good job, buddy. good job. i ain't doin' it no more. hey, hey, hey. now's not the time to punk out, okay? you understand me? you do what i told you, do you hear me? do what i told ya. you're not gonna screw this up for me. understand? understand? go get your bat. you're up. otherwise, why are you here? announcer: leading off for the bears, kelly leak. ( cheering & applause ) tanner: knock it out the park! man: yeah! strike one! tanner: come on, kelly! strike two! he could have hit that. time! time-out. time! kelly, come here. come here! ( quietly ): come here. what, are you playing mind games with me now? we're that close to the championship. you got daddy issues or something? hit the damn ball. now get in there. come on.
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man 2: heads up, now. ( applause ) man 3: yeah! ( bizet's "march of the toreadors" playing ) ( all cheering ) yeah! we won! we won! announcer: that's a walk-off home run for kelly leak. the bears win 2-1. the bears advance to the finals this saturday against the yankees. ( cheering & applause ) engelberg: way to go, kelly! we're going to the championship! way to go, buddy. way to go. way to go. see you there. ( "march of the toreadors" ends )
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it's cold. it's supposed to be cold. just keep your arm in it. hey, buttermaker, mom's gonna be here tomorrow. oh, perfect. you know, i was thinking, maybe afterwards, we can go to tony roma's for the carolina honeys, right? you're not serious. tony roma's? what do you think? i'm mr. moneybags? fine. just us, then. ( sighs ) amanda, you really... you gotta quit tryin' to make me daddy, 'cause-- i didn't say that. just friends. you know, we can hang out. we can go to zuma. go bodysurfing. why are you talking about bodysurfing? remember when i played sick and we went to zuma? don't you remember? no, i don't remember that. i don't know what you're talkin' about. but, you know, i was always drunk in those days, so i forgot a lot of...
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look, i mean, the fact of the matter is... ( sighs ) ...you don't have any business hanging out with me. i'm a damn loser, and you know it. no, you're not. not to me. ( chuckles ): come on, amanda. i'm a drunk. you said it yourself. i make a living killing rats to pay rent on a trailer. in sun valley. ( scoffs ) i'm a washout. come on, buttermaker-- just stop it! don't you think if i wanted to play house with you, i might have called you sometime in the last three years? but i didn't, did i? you know what--? just stop it! you're here for one reason, and that reason is sittin' in that ice right now. just leave it at that, will ya? i know why i'm here. just felt sorry for you, that's all.
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( sniffles ) ( sniffles ) ( dramatic march playing ) ( march stops ) i'm just sayin', keep your glove oiled. i mean, he came over to check mine. really? yeah. hey. don't talk to me. i'm only here for them. toby. yo, what the hell? what? somethin' wrong? you would know. what'd you say? you heard me.
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hey! hey, what's up with you guys? he's a ball-hog! yeah? well, that ball-hog won your last game. so calm your ass down. stay out of it, engelberg! speak for yourself, shorty. takin' sides, slim-fast? you got a problem, tanner? no, you do. it's called me puttin' a foot up your ass. guys, come on! ( all clamoring ) buttermaker: hey! hey! prem: guys, break it up! break it up! come on, come on, come on. get up, get up. get up! now, stand still and listen to me. i said, stop it. okay? now, what the hell's goin' on? he's a... he thinks he's better than us. who? him. he is. how do you think we got this far? wasn't your playin', that's for sure. i don't need this crap, i'm outta here. come here. toby: no, stop. you stand still. stop it! stop it!
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i said, stop it! now, i told him to cover for you. so if you're gonna yell at somebody, you yell at me, okay? you did? yeah, i did. you wanna win, right? isn't that what you guys wanna do, win? now, quit actin' like a bunch of damn babies. 'cause we got a chance. pick your gloves up. we got a championship to win. bullock: the entire season and everything we've worked for comes down to the next six innings that you play. how you do and the result of that effort, is gonna have a big bearing on how you feel about yourself in the next year. you gonna go through the world seeing yourself as a winner? or a loser? because believe me, being a winner is just... is, i don't know, just better.
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( chuckles ) way i see it, that trophy up there has got your name on it. and those guys over there... are trying to steal it from you. whose trophy is it, danny? ours, coach. whose name is on that trophy, sanchez? yankees? take a good long look at your opponents over there. do they look like champions? huh? not for me to say. but no, they don't. you're a great team, it's been a great season, but it's not over yet. lets go finish it, huh? one, two, three! all: yankees! buttermaker: all right, let's go, guys. bears: one, two, three! bears! buttermaker: hustle up, guys. let's go get 'em. ( cheering & applause ) all: b, e, a-r-s! go, bears! go, bears! ( whooping )
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go, toby! ( honks ) announcer: next up for the yankees, number 10, jimmy wilkins. strike one! all right! all right, amanda! way to go, honey. boy: yeah, run! man: bring it in! safe! way to go, jimmy! good hustle. that's pretty good, guys. did you see that? damn near got him. way to get down the line. if it wasn't for kelly and that chick, you guys wouldn't even be here. excuse me? you heard me. none of you can play worth crap. oh, yeah? yeah. what are you going to do about it...oreo? sfx: sailors talking into intercom talking ♪
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[gir [ clock titime. ] you only have so much. that's why we wanna make sure you won't have to wait on hold. and you won't have to guess when we'll turn up. because after all... we should fit into your life. [ laughing ] not the other way around. [ clock ticking ] now batting, number 9, joey bullock. bullock: there it is! bullock: let's go, let's go! take third! take third!
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safe! ( crowd cheering ) boy: amanda, your training bra's too tight! ( all jeering ) strike three! engelberg: we got one, we got two. pitch this one out! easy out. announcer: number 5, right-fielder, richard card. man: it's about time, amanda! ball. batter: go, go, go, go! safe! ( crowd groaning ) engelberg: you okay? come on, get up. come on. all right! you okay, sweetie? here's what i'm gonna do, cracker. unh! bullock: hey, hey, hey, get back in the dugout. hey! ( all clamoring )
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hey, hey, hey! bullock: break it up! buttermaker: break it up, guys. come on! see you, mr...! ( groans ) damn right, loser! get off him! get off of me! get behind the plate. come on. get back. get back. get back. come on. come on. buttermaker: back on the field! kelly, i said, back on the field! get out there! boy: you guys are a bunch of punks! so is this what you teach 'em? you bowl over little girls like that? is that what you do? it's called baseball, or maybe you forgot. and don't talk to me about fair play when your kids are throwing punches. you watch 'em, okay? you ought to take a good look at yourself, you has-been. traded it all in for booze and broads. you're disgusting. what did you say? oh, you can't hear me? say it again! say it again! get back to your dugout, you crybaby! listen to you, crybaby. get your drug-out, you... back to your dugouts! sorry, chief. sorry. umpire: ready? bullock: yeah. hey, you wanna play ball, grape-nuts? let's play.
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all right? piece of crap. play ball! cream it, whitewood! ( honks ) buttermaker: come on, whitewood. come on, buddy. get a piece of it. come on, joe. you're better than that, son. good job, toby. thanks. man: whitewood! i would've tagged you out, but i was afraid your mom would've sued the ball. ( chuckles ) let's go, abdul. let's go, buddy. keep it goin'. ahmad-- is it abdul or ahmad? hooper: ahmad. buttermaker: whatever it is. ahmad, let's keep it goin', buddy! way to go! bullock: joey! hey, that was your play! that was your play. get your ass over there. pull your head out, son. hey, garo, come here. listen, you hit lefty, so he's gonna pitch you in tight, all right?
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so i want you to lean into it and take the hit. i-- i can't. but see, here's the thing. if you get on, we're loaded, and kelly's up next. so come on. let's do it. but i-- i just wanna hit the ball. well, sometimes it's better if the ball hits you. it's called takin' one for the team. now, let's go. come on, garo! let's go, buddy! let's go. be alert, guys! announcer: now batting from the left side of the plate, number 10, garo daragebrigadian. oh! ball! take your base. that's the way, buddy! that's what i'm talking about, right there. that's what i'm talking about. way to take it, buddy. next batter for the bears, number five, kelly leak. tanner: come on, kelly! kick some ass! hey, buttocks! watch this. yeah. ( bizet's "march of the toreadors" playing )
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( crowd cheering ) man: what're you guys doin'? strike two! that's okay, joey. it's all right. focus. just relax. relax! engelberg: your old man help you pee too? "shake it a little more, joey. don't wanna get any stains on your underwear." keep talkin', fatty. whatever. god--! see you later, joey. have a nice time on the bench. announcer now batting, number three, andrew wong. go, baby! go, baby! go, baby! watch it, watch it. go! yes!
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with the lift of real brewed starbucks coffee plus the power of 20 grams of protein. it's all you need to do even more. starbucks doubleshot. real life energy. hey, buttermaker! ( cheering & applause ) ( slow, solemn theme playing ) time! what the hell's wrong with you? why don't you just put a bow on it, huh? it's my arm. it's killin' me. i don't wanna hear it. you want toby in? no, i don't. yeah, you wanna win? yeah, i do. yeah? yeah. then get it together, okay? announcer: number 12, mike van horn. ( crowd cheering )
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safe! good hustle, van horn! way to beat it out! what in the hell are you doin'?! this is not t-ball! you guys watchin' that? let's go, let's go. good job. what are these kids doing? announcer: number 14, left fielder, jeff wong. umpire: fair ball! safe! wait. whoa. hey, hey, hey, ump. what are you talking about? he got it. the throw was here on time. that was stupid! what, are you helen keller? he was under the tag. are you kidding me? butterballs, stay in your dugout! keep your eyes peeled, man. it's your job. stop embarrassing yourself, crybaby. it's a good call, ump. very good call. garo, that was perfect last time. do the same thing. lean in, just get on base. kelly's up next.
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why can't i just hit the ball like everyone else? because that's selfish. you gotta think about the team. i know it stings a little, but it'll be worth it. come on. next up for the bears... let's go, garo! ...garo daragebrigadian. let's go, buddy. boy: you got this guy, joey! umpire: out. what in the hell are you doin' out there? get in here! ump, time! time. what the hell's the matter with you, kid? what's the matter with all of you? "my arm hurts." "why can't i hit away like the other kids?" do you remember what it was like? remember the first game? they were laughin' at us. now we got their backs up against the wall, they're scared of us, and now you wanna give up. is that the deal? i thought you wanted to win. i thought you wanted to be champions.
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well, do ya? do ya?! ( sighs ) look... ( sighs ) you're up next, kelly. come on, let's go. umpire: let's play ball. announcer: now batting, number five, kelly leak. go, joey. catcher, mike engelberg. hi, joey. kiss my ass. umpire: time.
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uh-oh. here comes daddy. how you doin'? fine. all right. the way this guy is hittin', and the way you're pitchin' today, i think maybe we ought to go and walk him. next batter's an easy out. but i can take him. i know you can. come on, dad. hey. do as you're told. come on. let's get 'em. let's go! boy: okay, let's get this guy. boy 2: get him, joey. hey, hey! what was that? you tried to hit him. did you try to hit him? no, it just got away from me. that's nonsense, joey! ( crowd murmurs ) don't you ever throw at a batter! you never ever throw at a batter! you understand me? you never do that!
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( crowd gasps ) never do that! get up. bullock: you could've hurt him. ( wind whistling ) ( crowd murmuring )
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i'm taking him home. now. are you kidding? it's the middle of the game. he finishes the game, after that, you can take him wherever you want. don't do the arm cross. do not do the arm cross. ( cheering gradually resumes ) hey, engelberg.
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( cheering & applause ) ohhh. oh! whitewood: yes, go! ( bizet's "habanera" playing ) engelberg! engelberg! engelberg! engelberg!
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justin... ...you're on the mound. strike two! umpire: strike three! ( crowd applauds ) announcer: going into the sixth and final inning, bears lead 5-4. okay, jose, you and tanner sit this one out. what? what the hell?! lupus, you go to second base. hooper, go to right field. prem-- where's prem? go to left. are you sure? yeah, i'm sure. what? you heard me. right field. hooper: are you crazy? i can't go out there, i'm in a wheelchair. i thought you wanted to play baseball. hell, no. why the hell would i want to play baseball? i'm a damn paraplegic.
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so you just wanna sit here and get splinters in your ass all season? is that what you want? if you won't play ball, why are you here? last time i checked, this is a baseball team. and you're all on the team. every one of you. so do what i said. you guys go out there and play baseball, okay? whurlitzer, where are you goin'? finish the game. not with that arm, honey. what? you go and put it on ice. come on, sit down. toby, hit the mound. toby: really? yes, i'm serious. i know you're not used to listening to me, but for a change, just sit here and enjoy the game with me, all right? and try to forgive, i don't know... just try to forgive me, will ya?
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all right, guys, let's show the yankees what bad news is all about. look at hooper. ( chuckles ) i bet it's just blowin' their minds. pitched a great game, honey. come here. and hooper, the kid in the wheelchair, uh-huh. he goes to right for whitewood. what does that do to your batting order? well, one goes to four, four goes to five, two goes to three, three goes to two, six goes to one, and seven, eight, nine are cool. i guess you know what you're doing, buttermaker. yeah, i do. ( cheering & applause ) ( light, cheerful theme playing )
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batting practice. hey, let's keep the rally going, guys. come on. hey, toby, you need to scoot up a little bit? announcer: now batting for the yankees, danny patello. ( cheering & applause ) you're out! ( bat clanks ) ( cheering & applause ) ( announcer speaks indistinctly ) here we go, richie! keep it goin'. ( bat clanks ) boy: down, down. get down!
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you're out! yeah, buddy! yes, sir. way to go, kelly! good throw, buddy. good throw. two out. we need one more out, guys. c'mon. one more out. c'mon. announcer: next for the yankees, mike van horn. boy: come on, kill it! ( plane ascending ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) ( cheering & applause ) oh! he did it! did you see that? unbelievable. way to go, hooper! whooooo! the little crippled boy did it! announcer: and at the bottom of the sixth, yankees lead 8 to 5. pretty impressive, guys. way to go, lupus.
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way to go, man. that's a hero right there. all right. hooper! come on, man. yeah, hooper! get in here. put that thing in fourth gear. good goin', man. great catch. nice catch. all right, hooper. buttermaker: hey, guys, four more runs, we win the game. how about that? prem. where's prem? you're up, buddy. i have to remind you, mr. buttermaker, that my batting average is well below the norm. and what's that? zero for a lifetime. well...you're due one, man. so...get out there. really? absolutely, buddy. let's go, guys. all right. buttermaker, come here. excellent. this should be fun. listen, i'm a little busy right now. what the hell are you doing? we had the lead, and now you're putting wheelchairs in the outfield? i mean, you're letting toby pitch? what are you thinking? you know, he's your son. yes, and he wants to win just like everyone else. really? how would you know what he wants? when do you see him, between basket weaving and ballet?
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you have some damn nerve. are you actually telling me how to raise my child? no, i'm not telling you how to raise your child. but maybe somebody should. i got a game to coach. announcer: leading off for the bears, number 19, prem lahiri. let's go, prem. buttermaker: let's go. keep your eye on it. i'll be damned. way to go! way to go, prem. way to go! safe! did you see that? way to go, buddy! way to go! now batting, number 4, timmy lupus. strike one! come on, lupus. strike two! come on, lupus! if you wanna hit the ball, you gotta swing the bat!
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look at that! lupus hit the ball! run! run! tanner: run! buttermaker: run! run! run! run! run! run! safe! all: luuuupus! luuuupus! luuuupus! luuuupus! buttermaker: all right, guys. hey, miguel. miguel, you know what to do. next up, number 14, miguel agilar. buttermaker: let's go, guys! ( crowd cheers ) umpire: you're out!
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dadgum it! buttermaker: it's okay, prem. it's all right, buddy. way to hustle, way to hustle. good hit, miguel. lucky hit. ♪ ♪ take on any road with intuitive all-wheel drive. the nissan rogue, murano and pathfinder. now get 0% apr for 72 months, plus $500 bonus cash.
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all right, kelly, let's tie the game, buddy. let's go. come on. now batting number 5, kelly leak. let's go, buddy. let's go. let's go. boy: get back! get back! bullock: collins. ball one! boy: chicken! ball two! kelly. kelly. ( suspenseful theme playing )
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boy: back, back! get back! ( cheering & applause ) ( joyous theme playing ) ( groans ) two outs. come on, one more. hey, garo. garo, come here. boy: one more out, guys! one more. hit the ball, buddy. boy: come on, garo! number 10... bullock: no pressure, guys! ...garo daragebrigadian. let's get that out! come on, justin! right to him! strike one! bullock: come on, guys! justin! strike two!
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boy: one more, baby. one more! boy 2: come on, justin! ( thrilling theme playing ) oh. oh! come on! slide! slide! slide! you're... out! ( cheering & applause ) we won! we did it! ( yells indistinctly )
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( squawks, hisses ) it was a hell of a hit, son. i'm proud of you, man. i'm really proud of you. hey, who wants a beer? what are you doing? we're celebrating. you deserve it. wait. nonalcoholic. what's the damn point? ( chuckles ): just drink it, man. there you go. all right, guys... want you to listen up. i wanna tell you something. in all my years of being associated with baseball teams, being around 'em, seeing 'em, whatever... i gotta tell you, this is my favorite team. i'm real proud of you guys. you played your asses off against...
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well, pretty... pretty big odds, i guess. but, uh... look at those little bastards over there. well... let's go get this over with, okay? on a game like this, kids, i just want you all to know that there's no losers, and there's no winners. i mean, technically, yeah, but... these things, they don't mean anything. wow. that's some good weight. jimmy, you wanted to say a few words? uh... y-you guys had a good season. you started off pretty lame. but then you got better. we just wanted you to know that...y-you got our respect. bullock: respect. boy: right on.
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and to the bears... your second-place trophy. ( crowd applauds ) gee, thanks, mister. bullock: hey, let's bring it in and give 'em a cheer, huh? bring it in here. one, two, three! all: bears! ( cheering & applause ) prem: hey, yankees! you can take your crappy trophies and shove 'em right up your asses. nice. see ya next year, bitches! ( simple plan's "promise" playing ) engelberg: way to go, you guys! ♪ i promise ♪ i won't let you down you down ♪ ♪ if you take my hand tonight
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♪ i promise we'll be just fine ♪ hooper, i told you i was gonna make you into a ballplayer, didn't i, buddy? good game, buttermaker. you too, sweetie. you too. oh, and by the way, i meant to tell you this. it was redondo beach. what? when we went out to the beach, surfing and all that stuff, it wasn't zuma, it was redondo beach. you wore that stupid yellow bathing suit. you remember. of course i remember. next time, we'll go to zuma. how's that? okay. i'm proud of you. great game. i'm proud of you. good game. way to go, lupus. this is what's called a moral victory, toby. now, it's not quite as good as the real thing, but it's very nice. way to go, garo. good game, brother. i told him we won. excellent. see what i'm talkin' about?
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♪ i promise ♪ i won't let you down you down... ♪ made possible by comedy central announcer: ladies and gentlemen, from bakersfield, california, gabriel iglesias ! ( cheers and applause )

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