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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  September 19, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> trump the name is synonymous with quality, luxury, being better than losers and class. it's been on golf courses, casinos and beautiful meats. now i'm lending my name to the failing game show "@midnight," and they need it they need it tremendously. i have bought and paid for every episode this week. just like i bought and paid for my beautiful wife. and chrissy hardwick is going to play the games i want to play. it's huge, stupendouos, the bestest. okay, losers here is more than
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you deserve. trump presents "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: this is all the news you need to know until the day resets. the emmy awards were last night, where hollywood's hottest actors who aren't quite hot enough to be movie stars came together to celebrate the best of television. one of the most memorable moments was when the creator of transparent, jill soloway, won an emmy for directing, and said "topple the patriarchy" not one but twice. just any post on tumblr. the hashtag #topplethepatriarchy immediately started trending, and later that night, the patriarchy fell. what are you going to do, katy? >> masturbate every day. i'm going to do it to deplore ya videos. >> chris: great. natasha. >> i'm just here to collect for my free blow job, chris.
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>> chris: at the commercial break, yes. points. doug. >> i did my part to topple the patriarchy when i stopped watching the "cosby show." >> chris: good for you. as you saw earlier presidential candidate and moldy chicken nugget with delusions of grandeur, donald trump, is taking over every episode of @midnight this week. we moved to 11 po it got more expensive. it's not my call. we don't know when he will show up. we will continue with the show. we will make the best of it and pretend like america won't turn into [beep] furry road in the next couple of moments and enjoy it as it happens. kp-rbd we're not happy about it, but we next up, let's check in with carson, daily. this past sunday was the 65th birthday of failed presidential candidate ben carson, the neurosurgeon who successfully removed his own brain and replaced it with build-a-bear stuffing. and to mark the occasion, dr. snooze tweeted this baffling meme: keep calm it's my
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birthday. okay. mission accomplished. this is bat [beep] on several levels, but man, does he look great! he looks like if james bond was black and believed the pyramids were used to store grain. comedians, how did you celebrate hibernating creationist ben carson's birthday? doug benson. >> i celebrated his birthday taking a quick nap every few seconds. >> chris: okay. perfect. i'm assuming that's the marijuana. [laughing] katy stackhoff. >> oh, chris there you are. chris: katee. >> for ben carson's birthday me and jesus took him to bush gardens. >> chris: perfect. >> six more weeks of homophobia. chris: great.
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[ applause ] >> chris: late gate. kanye west finally made his triumphant instagram debut by posting a caption-less picture from the movie "total recall" and following no one, not even his wife. "kanye west joins instagram and instantly amasses more than 234,000 followers, but can he surpass his wife kim kardashian's 82.7 million followers?" i don't [beep] care. moving on. [cheers and applause] >> let's check the scoreboard. from "longmire," season 5 premieres september 23 on netflix, it's katee sackhoff. with 300 points star of "antibirth," in select theaters now & v.o.d., it's natasha lyonne. [cheers and applause] >> chris: "orange the new black" which you probably watch at well. and host of "doug loves movies" podcast, live taping at the
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improv in houston september 30, it's doug benson. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. tonight's sponsor donald trump has a really interesting grasp on the english language. if he wasn't sponsoring the show i'd say that he rambles like a toddler on bath salts, but he is, so i can't say that. in order to celebrate 2016's most innovative orator, tonight's hashtag is #trumpaquote. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> okay stop talking wee-willy-seacrest. i paid for this episode and i'm going to play in this segment, because no one is better at quoting me than me.
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i'm tremendous. i credible at it. also, all my answers are worth eight times the points of everyone else's, because no one -- you got it, chuck? >> chris: i don't -- i feel dirty. >> you should have your daughter bathe you at night. >> chris: a, i don't have a daughter. [laughing] >> chris: tonight's hashtag is #trumpaquote. example: "all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely losers!" i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. doug benson. >> i see debt people. chris: points. kate r.katee. >> life is like a box of chocolates that's fun to steal from poor people. >> excuse me, excuse me. forget it.
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it's -- >> chris: okay. ya. >> a million points. chris: fine. natasha. >> you can't judge a book by it's -- >> chris: alright. doug benson. >> excuse me, chris. excuse me. >> chris: it's not your turn. >> it's not what you can do your country. ask how you can [beep] my daughter. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i -- i can not give you points for that and ever sleep soundly again. doug benson. >> we're going to need a bigger boat. >> chris: okay. points. katee. >> one small step for man and two shawl hands for me. >> chris: points. >> excuse me. excuse me. >> chris: what. >> call me ishmal. that does sound like a muslim name. maybe we should take me out of the country. >> chris: alright.
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[laughing] >> i -- chris: doug benson. >> luke, people are saying i'm your father. i don't know if that's true, but that's what people are saying. [laughing] prefer >> chris: points. natasha. >> mr. gorbachev, keep the wall intact. >> chris: po *eupblgs points. doug benson. >> phone home, no you're a illegal alien, your fingers are longer than mine. you got to it. >> chris: points. >> excuse me. excuse me. excuse me. excuse me. >> chris: okay. >> am i my brother's keeper. of course i am he's locked up like everyone else. >> chris: points. natasha. >> i love the smell of spray cans in the morning.
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>> chris: points. >> it's made out of stress ball material. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #trumpaquote and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. >> she has polio. i don't know what his problem is. i'm winning. i'm winning. >> chris: we don't know when he will turn up the rest of the week. bare with us. we're keeping the lights on here. we will be back with more "@midnight." our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by -- hey! you're the-
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- i used to ask if you could hear me now, but i switched to sprint! i switched too! great! have you seen all the whining from verizon? i think verizon, the goliath, is panicking.
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people are switching to sprint! all these networks are great now, people are tired of overpaying. sprint cut my rates by 50%! sprint's network covers nearly 300 million people and their network reliability is within 1% of verizon. [ dog barks ] can you hear that? switch to sprint and save 50% on most current verizon, at&t and t-mobile rates. for people with hearing loss, visit
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight" at 11:30. it's time to play don't go cakin' my sharts. my favorite title ever. if you've ever tried to bake a cake, you know that it's harder than it looks. like this obamanation. the internet is full of gross and otherwise bizarre cakes like this, so comedians, i'm going to show you a confusing cake and for 250 points you're going to tell me what it's celebrating. first up this crude mickey or maybe minnie mouse. doug benson. [laughing] >> that's at a party where mickey mouse becomes a member of the suicide squad. >> chris: points. ya, ya.
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natasha. >> -- a very nice little girl's birthday party. i don't know what's wrong with you. >> chris: points. you're right. i'm a monster. katee. >> i think it's a house warming cake for a pedophile. [laughing] >> sickness. that's a real sickness. >> chris: chris hanson shows up wih that cake. [laughing] >> chris: next, this colorful stack of polo shirts. look at that. katee. >> it's, it's new roofy day at the frat house. >> chris: points. natasha. >> some sort of sale at jc pennies. nice shirts, i don't know what's wrong with you. >> chris: you're right, again. that was my bad. you're right. [laughing] >> chris: next up, this cake with a crude drawing of kim jong
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un. katee. >> dennis rodman's birthday cake. [laughing] >> chris: next, this cake of jennifer lopez laying across a lion, posted by fat joe. right there, doug benson. >> a theme party called feastiality. >> chris: points. >> chris: and finally, this cake cautioning against sexual harassment. [laughing] katee, what is it celebrating? >> i feel like it's bill and hillary's anniversary cake. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> -- in the side of it. chris: great hillary. >> thank you. chris: doug benson. >> that's the cake they made for
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handsy howard's last day. >> chris: points. they should of known when they hired him he was hand see howard. >> any positions. chris: the giant red flag. >> any openings i can check out. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of don't go cakin' my sharts. >> it's time for our live challenge. the new movie "the magnificent seven" hits theaters this friday, with a real star-studded cast of at least seven people! take a look. >> looking for men to join me. >> impossible? >> difficult. >> i know -- [ applause ]
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>> chris: everyone loves a good revenge movie, because they're so relatable! who doesn't dream of rounding up a group of outlaws to hunt down whoever keeps eating your goddamn lunch out of the fridge even though it clearly says "chris h," brenda. i have dietary restrictions so comedians, in honor of these fellas' hunt for vengeance, i want you to come up with the perfect way to exact revenge on someone using only seven words. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause]
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we hired an award-winning actor to show off the award-winning range of strongbow hard cider. oh i know about that award just like i know about your trophies. what trophies? the ones your mother wants you to get rid of because they are taking up too much space in the basement. gasp! you crossed the line, stewart! strongbow
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a clip of upcoming movie the magnificent seven, and i asked you to come up with the perfect
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revenge using only seven words. let's hear what you came up with. doug benson. >> weed cake with no weed in it. chris: okay. seven words. very good. >> chris: katee. >> change their e-mail address to georgezimmerman@zika.isis. that's like a [beep], a [beep] >> chris: that's a lot. natasha. >> banana, banana, banana, banana, banana. i [beep] your mother last night. >> chris: spectacular. i feel like i have to give -- >> that's way more than seven words. >> all of a sudden you can count.
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[laughing] kp-rbd. >> chris: i have to give a thousand points to that stash afplt 500 to katee and doug each. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for hillennials. hillennials. professional bill clinton wrangler hillary clinton published an article today called "here's what millennials have taught me." it's a very nice thoughtful essay on the remarkable creativity, entrepreneurial work ethic, and color-blind inclusivity of the kids on her lawn today. millennialisms are happiest being praised. tell me what you have learned from them in 60 seconds. >> yes. chris: points. that stash aeufrpblgs the only friend you need is your cellphone. who cares if everyone else dies. >> chris: points. katee. >> classical music is no nsync. hris: that stash aeufrpblgts i will be dead before the real problem starts so who cares. >> chris: points. [ applause ]
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>> chris: katee. >> you can take the lord's name is vein but not beyonce. >> chris: doug web son. >> >> i learned anyone can add dj to their name. >> chris: yes. points. >> chris: that's the end of hillennials. > chris: there is a tie between katee and that stash afplt i'm not eliminating anyone today. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to read from the book of numbers 1 and 2, it's for the win! you know what, doug benson, i'm eliminating you. [booing] >> i had one win behind ron
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funches. he stayed when he was in third place. he won and now he officially has the most wins. >> chris: you're right, red light. >> chris: patriarchy. >> that's what it's like, pal. chris: the awaken church in florida has gotten a lot of retweets on the cute message they painted over the urinals in their men's room. it's a quote from, 2 corinthians, as trump calls it, that reads "finally brothers aim for perfection." first of all, it's great to finally have a lighthearted story about a place in the church where the pastor pulls his dick out. and secondly, it's pretty awesome that a church just inadvertently proved the bible's open to interpretation and not meant to be taken literally. what is another religious
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message they can paint in this holy bathroom. we will have your answer when we come back to "@midnight." library break! shhhhhhhh. have a break, have a kit kat!
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♪ ♪ ♪ can you say i love it? ♪ oh love it? ♪ can you say hey? ♪ hey! ♪ that's the spirit! oooooh.♪ ♪ ooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ wooh ooh ♪ sing sing, baby baby i love you. oh yes.♪ ♪ ooooh oooh. ♪ every little thing. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." [ applause ] >> chris: whack, sponsoring the show. can't do anything about it. before the break i asked you to
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give me another religious passage to fill the walls of this holy water closet. i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. donald trump will read your answers allowed. you the audience will decide the winner. hopefully he will take that into consideration. are you okay doing this? can you read -- >> i'm totally prepared. i could of done the whole thing. every contestant and -- >> chris: i highly disagree. on every point. that's not accurate. >> you can disagree -- you have parkinsons -- >> chris: i don't. >> everyone -- chris: everyone who disagrees with you doesn't have parkinsons. >> they do. chris: they don't. i mean some do. that doesn't mean. just read the [beep] thing. >> love is patient. love is kind. but not that patient so hurry the [beep] up.
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[ applause ] >> chris: alright. number two. >> let my pee pee hole -- [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: i think it's number two. it sounds like number two. >> everyone loves number two. [cheers and applause] >> wonderful number one is the winner. >> chris: are you serious? >> number one is the winner. number one is the winner. [cheers and applause] >> i don't care. [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number one? alright katee stackhoff won the internet. [cheers and applause] you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night
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our trump sponsored week continues. when our guests will be aya cash, janet varney and paul f. tompkins. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #trumpaquote and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. and remember to go see magnificent seven, in theaters on friday, september 23! i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other.
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comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh - and now, the starting lineup for your duncan blackholes! grover! milk! and jamal! together, they are... - get your head in the game, mother[bleep]! - bunch of goddamn space cadets.


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