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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  September 20, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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let geico help you with renters insurance. range of strongbow hard cider.r to show off the award-winning oh i know about that award just like i know about your trophies. what trophies? the ones your mother wants you to get rid of because they are taking up too much space in the basement. gasp! you crossed the line, stewart! strongbow >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. they student for @midnight. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> comics today because of low tiesmghts i'll be back at 8:25. now >> all right, all right. now that that dishonest liberal recall "daily show "is over, it's time for an episode of "@midnight." bought and paid for by me,
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donald trump. i'm a truth teller. now, a lot of people are saying, only has one testicle. chuck hardwick. can we fire that guy? ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: it's 29 minutes before midnight. i'm chris hardwick. and i have two testicles. these are all the links worth clicking before the day resets. let's take a look. if you woke up to the sound of jennifer aniston cackling, that's because brad pitt and angelina jolie are calling it quits. it's over! who can believe in anything anymore! jolie filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences, though i would have figured that if they could make it through brad's "civil war ghost" beard period, they could make it through anything. put they're not doing it. how are they going to divide up their lives. they have a compound. a bunch of international children. they should get a boat and let people take a tour through, like "it's a small world" for all
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their children and houses. maybe their kids will put their rings together and finally summon captain planet. who knows. ( applause ) ( applause ) but the split is sad news for everyone in love, because if the the two most famous, attractive and ( bleep ) people can't do monogamy. then actually that makes sense. so, comedians, pick a side: team brad, or team angie, or team why. >> i am team angie. she has outstanding record on human right, cares about people, unless that person's name is jennifer aniston. >> chris: points. >> i will be able to make that decision only when each one has given me a sensual massage. >> chris: >> chris: points. point. guys, guys, sensual and
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consensual. sensual and consensual. >> if it's not consensual, it's not sensual. >> i gotta go team angie, because "gia" was the first movie to help me discover i had a cliterous. i'm forever team angie. >> chris: and now, here with a message to angelina jolie, our benefactor this week, donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> hitchbot, jack, how are you. >> chris: you know my name is chris. wonderful. >> first of all, ang lean ai know what you're going through. divorce is the best. it's a lot, a lot, a the lot, a lot of fun. i've been through several. and let me tell you, they go by so fast.
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savor every moment. and can i say something -- >> you're already talking. you are talking already. >> i'm glad that you have finally done with what all of america has uponned you to do for years and dumped that scruffy boy. i did have fun during "12 years a slave." >> chris: it's not fun at all! >> and let me tell you, the timing is perfect because i'm about ready to get a new one, and it could be you. what have you got to lose? >> chris: you're married! >> have you seen melania. >> chris: she's beautiful? >> no, she's a complete and total mess, okay. >> chris: these people are horrified. >> they love me. are you kidding me. i wear my mother's pearl as a ( bleep ). imagine, imagine a luxurious
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life as first lady, constantly making love to me, and i'm a human pile of candy corn, melting on the dash of a dump truck. and i'd do you right. i'd do you right. angelina, i promise, i'd love your international group of babies like they were my own, my own little bowl of skittles. just think of the things i could get away with if i was surrounded by your little community college catalog of multicultural bon-bones. angelina, let's make marriage great again! cheaper scheerp. >> chris: all right, i guess. i don't feel good. my stomach is upset. with such a compelling argument, i'm sure you'll catch angie on the rebound after that. i guess if angelina wants to mary bump,
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now that "brangelina" is over, what would be their celebrity portmanteau? >> dia-rina. >> chris: points. ralf f. tompkins. >> mecca godzilla? >> i gotta go, chuck. >> chris: i'm very upset. >> i just got an alert that hillary clinton coughed during a campaign event, and i think she might have aids. let's just say it, hillary clinton has it. >> chris: we are not saying that at all! we are absolutely not saying that! he does not speak for me or the show. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: next, "tears from a stone." some keen reddit users took a break from photoshopping picture of wario being upon butt-( bleep ) by a dump truck to do a little detective work on a redditor named "stonetear," which sounds like it was on a
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list of potential band names before they settled on nickelback. they think he might be the guy who deleted a number of hillary's emails and asked reddit's advice on how to do it. mr. combetta, which sounds like what they call mr. robot in portugal, might be linked to several posts like this one the day after the benghazi committee requested hillary's records. "hello, all. i may be facing a very interesting situation where i need to strip out a v.i.p.'s very v.i.p. email address from a bunch of archived email." "stonetear" aroused reddit's suspicions not just because of the dates and questions he was asking, but also because someone calling himself "stonetear" hasn't posted a single thing about healing crystals or a my little pony dick pic. so, comedians, what's another question you might ask reddit in order to cover up a serious crime? ralf f. tompkins. >> can jet fuel sometimes melt steel girders? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> chris: points. janet varney. >> what are my legal options if i ran over a pedestrian while looking at my phone? make that two pedestrians? >> chris: all right. points. aya cash. >> hello, my name is vladimir
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futin, and my friend wish to know how to make poison soup. >> chris: points. points. blah, blah. that is the end of rapid refresh. we see with 300 points from "you're the worst" wednesdays on fxx, aya cash is here. >> i'm just white girl dancing. also with 100 points, from "bajillion dollar properties," "stan against evil" premiering october 31 on ifc, it's recent emmy nominee janet varney. >> chris: with 300 points from "bajillion dollar properties," season two premieres october 13 on seeso, it's paul f. tompkins. ( cheers and applause )
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now, let's begin at the beginning. not really the beginning. let's just start this part. it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." ( applause ) donald trump is here all week hijacking-- sponsoring-- the show. but, in order to remain fair and balanced as we plunge toward political armageddon, we want to take aim at his opponent, sociopathic soccer mom, hillary clinton. she's come under fire for her use of email, but we want to know how she uses search engines. what does hillary clinton google late at night as she tries to block out the sound of bimbos of bimbos being dicked in the next room, according to colin powell. ( laughter ) that's why tonight's hashtag is #thingshillarygoogles. #thingshillarygoogles. examples: "how to do benghazi," "how to tell if husband is at hustler club. i'm going to put 60 second ogz the clock and begin. ralf f. tompkins. >> how important is voice modulation? >> what human emotion is
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associated with seeing a puppy? >> chris: points. aya. >> how do you acquire a poison-tipped cigar? >> chris: points. points ralf f. tompkins. >> how to get away with murder. >> chris: points. aya cash. >> washington, d.c. sebaare,o locations. >> chris: points. >> janet varney, anne taylor coupon emergency. ( laughter ) >> chris: points. ralf f. tompkins. >> do texts count as national security? >> chris: aya cash. >> where does did eleanor roosevelt keep her dildos. >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #thingshillarygoogles and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @realdonaldtrump.
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infinite scalability. the microsoft cloud helps our customers get up and running, anywhere in the planet. wherever there's a phone, you've got a bank, and we could never do that before. the cloud gave us a single platform to reach across our entire organization. it helps us communicate better. we use the microsoft cloud's advanced analytics tools to track down cybercriminals. this cloud helps transform business. this is the microsoft cloud. we hired an actor with almost as much range.nge, goooold apple. nah thats a little to much. hoooney. ah thats even worse. ginger! oh come on stewart! cherry blossom! he's not getting it, just show the flavors. strongbow!
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." i am contractually forced to welcome back this week's sponsor, donald trump. ( laught )
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>> get out of here. get out of here. my beautiful daughter ivanka, everyone! ( cheers and applause ) family-- you know this. family is very, very, very, very very, very, very very important. which is why we're going to play a me-centric version of "family feud"! everybody loves that! >> chris: why are we doing this? because instead of average americans, which i've never been nuts about-- they're deplorable. you people will have to guess how me, donald trump, would answer. if you guess right, you get 40,000 points. >> chris: i don't even know if the the thing can handle-- >> don't worry. i'll cut a check from one of my charitable organizations. >> chris: fine, fine.
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>> chris: first up, "things you might find in the kitchen." for "trumply feud." aya. >> i'm going to say things you might find in the kitchen? women. >> chris: all right. ( buzzer ) that's an incorrect answer. not on the board. one people surveyed. top three answers on the board. ed janet varney. >> cha liewpas, but what is what he calls his maid. >> chris: all right, all right. not a correct answer. ralf f. tompkins. >> 30 crates of unsold steaks. >> chris: 30 creates of unsold steaks. no, i'm sorry. no correct answers. >> let's show the answers. mason jars. and let's see the next one here. tang. >> chris: sure, yeah, naturally. ( applause ). >> and what's the final one?
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help for foreigners who enjoy cooking for wife. and i've got a great guy. i've got a great guy. this by-- >> that's janet's answer. >> i feel like it's voting against my interest, but since we're talking to trump, i feel like janet deserves some points for that. >> chris: i'm going to override and give janet varney point on that. >> unbelievable, unbelievable. ( applause ) >> chris: so, janet-- janet is now leapt spot lead with 40,600 points. >> it's so weird to get points i don't deserve. you know what that feels like, mr. trump. ( cheers and applause ) >> i deserve everything. i deserve everything. please, are you kidding me? >> chris: next up, "something you might say to a waiter." aya. >> i'd like to order your kitchen staff out of the country. >> chris: all right. ( buzzer ) i'm sorry, that's not a correct answer. janet. >> it's-- have you considered
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fighting others for the amusement of the rich? >> chris:s that is a correct answer, number two. >> we're the same! we're the same! >> chris: ralf f. tompkins. janet, are you okay? >> i don't know! >> chris: janet, a little struck at the moment, by trump's comparison of himself to her. >> i wear a long blond wig and tuck my junkies and stand in front of the mirror and dp, "i'm janet varney" >> chris: i don't think you-- janet, i'm so sorry. your life will never be the same after today's episode. there's a lot of therapy you're going to have to go through. paul. >> what are we talking about? >> chris: something trump might say to a waiter. >> oh, sure. send this one back. it also takes like semen. ( buzzer )
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>> chris: i feel like a correct answer-- >> let's see the next answer here. >> chris: let's see the first answer. the number one answer was: >> doesn't my daughter look foxy tonight? doesn't she? isn't she unbelievable. >> chris: third answer. >> just wanted you to know in advance, you're not getting a tip. no one gets a tip. the only person who get a tip is my daughter ivanka. >> chris: your face is just going to part and an alien is going to shoot out of your skull. >> wouldn't that be comfort canning? >> what a relief. >> chris: that would be oddly comforting. >> i would support that alien immediately. >> chris: all right, fine, fine, fine. ( applause ) next up, "an activity you'd do with family." oh, no! oh, ( bleep ). aya. >> which-- which family? i have three.
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>> chris: all right. is "which family i have three?" that's not a correct answer, no. janet. >> watch them undress through the eyes of a painting. >> chris: that is a correct answer! ( cheers and applause ) >> no! no! no! >> chris: janet was having a very intense mirror moment. paul tompkins, an activity you'd do with the family. >> watch them listen to you talk. >> chris: nope, not a correct answer. >> let's get the -- >> the number one answer: >> and the next one: >> chris: vile. ( applause )
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>> chris: that's the end of "trumply feud." i'm so sorry for you, the audience. oh, that's even worse! that's awful. stop it! >> i don't know. >> chris: stop doing that! it's time for our live challenge, "app sack." there's nothing more satisfying than walking out of the apple store with a big bag of apple product. but how many times has the bottom torn out of your bag and sent thousands of dollars of apple product into a puddle of dog poo? and then you fall into traffic and get run over by a million cars. apple care doesn't cover dog poo. darn you, bag! well, those days are over! apple has patented a new paper bag design that has innovation "in the bag." there it is. this new apple bag has everything like handles and sides and a bottom. it's got everything but apples or a headphone jack. this is exactly the kind of exciting new thinking that apple brings to everything from phones
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to bags! comedians, let's recreate the buzz of an apple press conference. i've been to many. they actually are very fun. this bag, we might make fun of it and then we're going to go out and try to figure out how to get 10 of them. i'm going to fit you up like some apple executives, and i want you to give me the apple presentation for this innovative new bag. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight"! tonight is "tag team tuesday." tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. aya will be playing for @proudtxlib. janet will be playing for @jamiebworth. paul will be playing for @marshmueller. mueller? we didn't just break the mold. we made it.
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>> chris: welcome back to the "@midnight" show. before the break, i told you about the groundbreaking new bag let's hear your presentations. aya let's start with you. >> it's a ( bleep ) bag. ( cheers and applause ) >> it costs $1,000. we're apple. get in line, bitch. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: that's kind of the subtext. janet varney. >> oh, right! at apple, okay, our products are more than they appear, huh. we gave you a phone that's also a computer. we gave you a watch that's also a computer.
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( laughter ) now, we give you a bag. it's not just a bag. it's also the best way to cover your dog's head because you're tired of that feeling of shame when he watches you masturbate. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: excellent point. pets are the reincarnated souls of dead relatives. ralf f. tompkins. >> what if i told-- ( laughter ) you that the guy who had all the good ideas died? ( laughter ) ( applause ) and when he did, he took all those ideas with him. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you can take things with you in
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a bag. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> chris: all right. ( cheers ) 1,000 points to ralf f. tompkins. 500 each to janet and aya. it's time for "2 legit 2 click." clickbait is ruining the internet in a desperate attempt to get your attention. using provocative language to get people to click on the underwhelming garbage. so, thankfully, there are places like the subreddit "savedyouaclick," where people take clickbaity headlines and summarize them so you don't have to waste your time! like this one from redditor kasert778: "why men pay for sex." turns out it's because they want to have sex. comedians, i'm going to show you some clickbait, and i want you to save me as many clicks as you can. first up, this 90-second trick will energize you all day. ralf f. tompkins.
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>> do three lines of cocaine, allowing 30 seconds per line. works look a charm. >> he'l >> chris: next one, "he'll pay you $180 million to marry his daughter, but there's a catch!" >> don't be fooled by that photo. >> here's why school officials decided to throw this boy's lunch away? >> it was rubbish and he's a donkey! >> chris: here's the first thing mark zuckerberg does every morning. aya cash. >> masturbate to your family photos! >> chris: points. there he is. >> chris: that's the end of "2 legit 2 click." i see aya cash, i'm sorry, you're in third place. we must eliminate you from the proceedings. aya, do you have and last words?
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>> no. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: yeah, you can take the apple box, sure. ( cheers and applause ) normally we put people under a red light but that seemed cruel. that means it's time to waste the rainbow. it's "for the win"! ( cheers and applause ) hold on tight, paul. i know it's a shocker every time it happens! last night, wig-capped traffic cone donald trump's somehow duller and more racist son, "wedding crashers" bad guy donald trump, jr., blew up twitter with this not-so-sweet take on the syrian refugee crisis. "if i had a bowl of skittles and i told you just three would kill you, would you take a handful? that's our syrian refugee problem." guys, i gotta be honest. i still like those odds. skittles are real good. skittles deserve better than
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being co-opted for fascist propaganda. they weren't cool with it. comedians, over the break, i would like you to come up with your own skittles meme. we'll have our comedian's name and answer when we come back on the the "@midnight" program. ( cheers and applause ) (♪ ) i believe in me too. ♪ i am the unicorn of your confidence ♪


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