tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central September 28, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT
i hate to tell you. >> it doesn't include you. but a lot of you folks that i'm looking at right now aren't in the greatest of shape. . [cheers and applause] ♪ >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight and the day resets and all your likes, favs, and shares become more meaningless than they already are! i'm chris hardwick, this is @midnight. lex luthor with a hair transplant, elon musk, just unveiled his plans to send human the proposed spaceship would hold 100 people, who judging by every sci-fi movie, will be brilliant scientists and engineers who are also [beep] musk says the journey could take
as little as 80 days, unless there's traffic on the 405, so if they leave now, they'll arrive just in time to see trump set the earth on fire! to pass the time on the way to the red planet, musk has all kinds of fun activities planned, like movies, zero-g games, and "figuring out how to build a fuel refinement plant on mars so you don't die alone in space." all the fun stuff the kids love. but i'm sure they're still going to have some hours to fill, so comedians, how else will these space colonists pass the time to mars? bruce campbell. >> i won -- chris: no, it's the first question. >> oh, other things you can do. i would come up with a cool quote for when they land. right now the best thing they got is stuck [beep] buzz. [cheers and applause] [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: nic swardson.
>> floating stirre tird volleyb. chris: yes, points. justin willman. >> waiting for the beverage cart to go by to timely pee. >> chris: next up the world's first "three-parent" baby has been born! this new procedure takes d.n.a. from both parents and a third party who happened to have some d.n.a. lying around, and doesn't mind swinging. they combine it in one egg, so we'll seeing a very special episode of maury where he gets to say, "you're both the father!" this also means it's scientifically plausible to have a baby by splicing our panel and get this creation. >> good hair. good hair. [ applause ] >> it's all about the dead eye. comedians, since you can chooe from anyone, which celebrity's
d.n.a. would you want to get? nic swad son. >> i will take channing tate ems dna. i will just take his d. >> chris: do you want that d in your a? >> yes. chris: okay, alright. [cheers and applause] >> yes donald trump so i can apply for a job i'm not qualified for. >> chris: points. >> hey. chris: whoa. the gloves are off. next up fingered. a young man in the rear seat of an automobile attempted to surreptitiously undercut his mother's authority with an obscene gesture. was this young gentleman: successful! huzzah! or so (/ bleep/ ) busted! justin? >> oh, he was so [beep] busted. chris: let's find out. >> this is all you want to do all day? make your mind up.
[ applause ] >> chris: see you on the other side, kid. see you on the other side. >> chris: next, w.w.w.a.g.d.? the cast of "will and grace" -- a primitive network-based situation comedy from the early 21st century, recently reunited for a very special episode about getting people woke enough to vote. their ten minute pro hillary sreut yo ends with a hashtag #votehoney. comedians, what are some other old tv shows you would like to see resurrected to raise awareness for modern problems? nic swardson. >> bring back cheers to show that alcoholism is hilarious. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: very funny. justin. >> i say the cosby show. [laughing]
>> and just kind of leave it at that. [laughing] >> chris: -- doesn't really bring friends ore. >> is this the finger -- [laughing] >> chris: justin. >> i was going to say to raise the risk about diabetes. i don't read newspaper. >> chris: sure, i don't know people see what they want to see i guess. points. bruce campbell. >> i would like to see a love boat of syrian refugees. >> chris: alright. points. [ applause ] >> chris: points. >> 400 and 300. we did just as well and hit the buzzards. what is going on is it. >> think bruce -- chris: too early in the game, bruce. could be anyone's game. >> if you want me back again it better be somebody's game.
>> chris: a very compelling argument. a very -- [laughing] >> chris: very compelling argument. that's the end of rapid refresh. let's check in with the scoreboards. from "ash vs evil dead," season 2 premieres october 2 on starz, it's bruce campbell. [ applause ] with 400 points. performing at helium comedy club in philadelphia this weekend, it's justin willman. [ applause ] >> chris: how do you do it. >> where does it come from. chris: how does he do it. with 300 points performing at hell yes fest in new orleans october 14th, it's nick swardson. [cheers and applause] and now it's time for tonights
#hashtagwars. i know what you're thinking. this week in 1789, congress passed the bill of rights. this important document contained the original 12 constitutional amendments which guaranteed protection under the law to every citizen of the united states no matter how white they were or what style penis they had. it would be another 130 years before anyone who didn't look like energy secretary ernie moniz could vote or own anything. >> hogwarts? [laughing] >> chris: the janitor at gringus bank. because progress is slow, but since everything we know about politics has been turned on its head in this crazy election, maybe it's time to push through some new amendments, with tonight's hashtag, #newconstitutionalrights examples: "the right to fight to party" and "the right to arm bears." think about it. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock -- i just mean big hairy gay men.
>> chris: nic swardson. >> the right to vote for a new election. shut the [beep] up. [beep] [beep] >> chris: bruce campbell. >> i want the right to blow myself. [laughing] >> without my wife giving me a rap of [beep] about it. [laughing] >> a wrath? >> a raft. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of the #hashtagwars. send us your #newconstitutionalrights and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. that's your right. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @foulmouthgirl. well done! (pained groans) just gonna need one big push. (groaning continues) you got one more. here we go. congrats! i hear you're having a baby. here we go. just breathe. here we go.
you better start saving for college tuition. and you'll probably need a bigger house at some point. but new york life can help you manage your family's financial future. so you can relax, and enjoy life's special moments. like this moment. (guttural yelling) that's what being good at life is all about, right? (vo) be good at life. new york life.
we're not in a rush to be most popular. not in a rush not to be. real bourbon. no apologies. if it's for you, you'll know. ah, thank you. wild turkey®. it'll find you. our partnership with habitat for humanity at pg&e, we believe solar should be accessible to everyone. allows us to provide the benefits of solar power to the types of customers who need it most. pg&e provided all of the homes here with solar panels. the solar savings can mean a lot, especially for low-income families. with the savings that i am getting from the solar panels, it's going to help me to have a better future for my children. to learn how you can save energy and money with solar,
go to pge.com/solar. together, we're building a better california. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play mockbuster video. mockbucker video. for every multi-million-dollar hollywood hit, there are a bunch of lame knock-offs just waiting to trick someone in a grocery store who doesn't notice that "frozen," is not the same thing as "frozen land," or "snow queen," or "who dis frosty
bitch?" [laughing] okay fine, that last one's not real. it should be real. so comedians, i'm going to show you a knock-off movie and for 250 points i want you answer a question about it. first up, the cold-blooded copycat "snakes on a train." >> you know snakes on our train car. [laughing] comedians, what's the famous line from this movie? nic swardson. >> get my mother [beep] agent on the mother [beep] phone. >> chris: yes, points. [beep] [laughing] >> chris: next, the pixar ripoff, "what's up?" >> the chinese guy is in with my monsters. >> how did he get in there, guto? >> i don't want that chinese guy
in with my monsters. he didn't say anything when i showed him the cookie. >> did you try showing him a fortune cookie, that could work. >> chris: oh, no. what is this movie about, justin? >> about baby's first hate crime. >> chris: points. bruce. >> how laws are made. [laughing] >> in alabama. chris: alright, points. nic swardson. >> the opening of the first p.f. change's in alabama. [laughing] >> chris: points. next the sunday school mouse cal.
♪ >> ahhh. [laughing] >> chris: so good you will question the existence of god by the end of the movie. comedians, pitch me this movie. bruce. >> picture this, everybody is gay. [laughing] >> chris: according to nirvana we are. nic swardson. >> a infomercial for hell. chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: finally, we take a bite out of two classics with "jurassic shark." >> what is that thing? >> shark! >> we have gone too deep. unleashed a predator we haven't seen. two hundred million years. >> chris: ahhh. he was just waiting for it.
how did a [beep] shark get in that [beep] shallow water there. explain the physic. what's the tagline to this movie? justin. >> [beep] you, steve spielberg. chris: points. groovy bruce. >> we are going to need a bigger budget. >> chris: points. very good. [cheers and applause] >> chris: very tkpwaobg. nic swardson. >> a movie so bad tits can't save it. >> chris: hang on now. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of mockbuster video. it's time for our live challenge, yankee scandal. there has to be fan drama when the yankees play the red sox. but yesterday's incident was unique because it didn't involve someone getting assaulted with a trash can lid for shouting ethnic slurs at an eight-year-old. no this time yankee fan andrew fox lost the engagement ring during his proposal to girlfriend heather terwillinger. take a look at the replay: >> they literally can't find the
ring. >> he is scratching his head. >> ahhhh. >> no ring. >> wait a second. >> oh! >> what a great save. >> amazing. chris: now he can go home. that's a baseball joke. my favorite part is how the announcers ran commentary because it's the only exciting thing that's ever happened at a major league baseball game, and think about it, it's true. kwraoedians i would like you to do a sports announcer call to call another event in a to call another event in a couple's
with homeowners insurance. water completely destroyed his swedish foam mattress. he got full replacement and now owns the sleep number bed. his sleep number setting is 25. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance. halloween break! which house do you want to go to first? the kat lady!! trick or treat! it's go time kitty cats! have a break, have a kit kat!
[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you a marriage proposal gone almost wrong at a yankee game that was reported on in real time by the baseball announcers, and i asked you to act as those commentators and call another major event in a couple's marriage. let's hear what you came up with. justin willman. >> you got t chris. ladies and gentlemen, the streak continues. doug has done it. 20 straight years of lying to his wife thinking his sister
isn't a hotter version of her. doug will be celebrate ago loan in his office with a family album and a bottle of lotion. back to you, chris. >> chris: thank you. bruce campbell. >> thank you, chris. bobbie and jane have just lost their suv and walking into the movie theater. hello. hello. looks like they left their baby in the back seat. that's right, chris, it's a 90 tkreg day. oh, well, you know how it goes. locking their kid in a hot car, that's one for the blooper reel. [laughing] >> chris: nic. >> gary is running home. chris: wait what the [beep] is that.
what announcer -- >> i don't know. >> i don't know. [laughing] >> my old timing newscast. chris: okay. >> -- is running home. he turns into his bedroom. his wife is getting pounded by the neighbor rick. gary loves it he starts in a stride to rick. >> oh, wow. [cheers and applause] >> chris: a thousand points to nic swardson. 500 to bruce and 250 to justin. next game, social science. social science. a recent study out of the university of california irvine says that people who share selfies online are happier than people who don't. it's like zoloft, except it bothers people! researchers found that sharing selfies creates a feeling of personal connection that relieves stress. and it's true! nothing makes me feel more connected to people than posting a selfie, and seeing comments -- me and my wife at disneyland
over the weekend. they got these light up mouse ears and animated. really great. people will love this. i'm sharing my wedded joy at disneyland and then this comment "hardwick is officially insufferable." so comedians, since academia is setting their sights on the online community, i want you to give me as many other scientific findings about social media as you can. in 60 seconds. begin. justin. >> 60 percent of uber drivers are the rapper pitbull. >> chris: points. >> did you know twitter is 7 is percent white. >> chris: points. nic. >> it turns out twitter egg avitar is a unborn racist bird. >> chris: bruce. >> did you know people on tinder are ten times more likely to wind up with a veining finger inside of them. >> chris: what? points.
justin willman. >> you know it turns out people maintaining a active myspace profile are pretty colonel guys. >> chris: nic. >> it turns out uber drivers are wrong. spots are not cologne. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of social science. justin willman, barely in third place. we have to make you disappear. >> audience: ahhh. >> i want you to know. chris: what was that. >> that was sadness confetti. earlier it was excitement and optimist confetti. >> chris: red light. there he is. it's time to fasten your spell-check belts, it's for the win! according to the f.a.a., most communication between pilots and air traffic controllers will soon be done via text message.
if you thought the dude in the prius checking his texts in the carpool lane was bad, wait until he's flying a 767 full of drunks to cabo! >> you up? >> over. chris: they're not into ing the plane most of the time anyways it's on auto pilot. kp-rbd officials say texting is faster than verbal communication, where are faster than verbal communication. comedians give me a text you may give or receive. more when we come back. we didn't just break the mold.
we made it. and we spelled it l-i-t-e. because when you invent light beer, you get to spell it however you want. spelled different because it's brewed different. -i used to ask if you could hear me now, but i switched to sprint! i switched too! all these networks are great now, and people are tired of overpaying. sprint cut my rates by 50%! can you hear that? switch to sprint and save 50% on most current national carrier rates. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. welcome back! before the break i told you about the f.a.a. plan to have pilots and air traffic controllers communicate via text so you have something else to worry about when you're seven miles above the ocean, and i asked you to write a text you might get from a pilot. let's see what you wrote. first one ... everything is smooth in the compit. everything is fine in the airplane too. lol, dts. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: or number two ... just another beautiful day on malaysia air.
oh [beep]. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's just too close this. is unprecedented sort of. for the second time ever we have co winners. congratulations to bruce campbell and nic swardson. showing you how to share the win. you're the funniest people in the world for the next 23 and a half hours. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be ken jeong, dave foley and suzy nakamura. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #newconstitutionalrights and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪