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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 4, 2016 2:05am-2:36am PDT

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>> trevor: that's our show for toptd. stay tuned for "@midnight" coming unnext at 11:30, now here is t is, your moment of zen. >> we feel the same way. we have for years. we finally have this god that is going to come down an help us all. >> you just referred to trump as a god. >> yeah, he is. well, like she said, jesus andyl captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, at which point we declare a winner and our memories are all wiped clean. making everything leading up to
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this point in time it's unrelevant. it's been a rough couple of days for donald trump, the inspiration for the hit viral video annoying orange. i didn't know a lot of people know of it. a "new york times" investigation suggested that he may not have paid taxes since 1995, when he lost almost a billion dollars. with a "b." it was revealed that he made an appearance in a soft core porn movie, the new york attorney general banned the trump foundation from doing any fundraising in the state, and in a late night tweet-storm, he encouraged america to watch a miss universe winner's nonexistent sex tape. although, i guess the phrase "check out sex tape" could be an unrelated endorsement for the 2014 cameron diaz/jason segal romp, "sex tape." i don't know why he was doing that. anyway, some analysts are calling it the worst week in campaign history. worse even than when william howard taft admitted that he had an adult baby fetish. remember that, you probably remember that, right. [laughing] >> wow. i soiled my diapy.
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but, if there's one thing i know about this jaundiced walrus wrapped in cellophane it's that he never stops topping himself. comedians, what's trump going to do to make this week even worse? steve agee. >> milk his tits on live tv. [laughing] >> there is more. [laughing] >> and try to sell it at is as a sauce. >> chris: points for. that doug benson. >> he will endorse himself. chris: brendon. >> he will reveal stop and assist is how he met milania. >> chris: next up. get on my plane. this video is making the rounds today of president obama waiting impatiently for retired saxophone player bill clinton to board air force one after a
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funeral in israel. take a look. [laughing] >> chris: i thought he had a doug named bill for a second. by the way, why does obama have to deal with this. there isn't a person other than the current president has to wrangle the old president. is that part of being president. you have to wrangle the old one. [ applause ] >> chris: bill, [beep]. come on guys. just a guy keeping stock of white helium balloons lowing him into places. what was he doing? >> he was getting a tsa patdown by request.
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>> chris: points. [laughing] kp-rbd. >> i might have one weapon that's attached. >> chris: steve. >> he was beer bonging a pint of trump stamina sauce. >> chris: points. next up drill baby drill. i think we can all agree that the most tragic event in history was when apple released an iphone with no headphone jack. we flew too close to the sun and now man's reign is over! but now there's hope. a youtube tutorial posted by tech rax shows us how to reveal the hidden headphone jack that was there the whole time! >> just follow along here guys. [laughing] kp-rbd. >> just like that, you have your fully billet 3.5-millimeter headphone jack. >> chris: believe it or not some people actually fell for that bullshit! naturally, the comments section is stuffed with the all-caps rage of people who are now out $700, like this fellow:
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"i (/ bleep/ ) hate you! i drilled a hole in my new iphone and it didn't work! you bastard! i'm gonna (/ bleep/ ) your (/ bleep/ ) (/ bleep/ ) !" >> nice. no, not my (/ bleep/ ) ! it hates getting sucked! comedians, what's another threat this guy might have left in the comments? >> while i'm sucking your [beep]. i'm going to not ignore your balls. [laughing] [ applause ] [laughing] kreufpl steve. >> you son of a bitch. i'm going to pick you up in my car and drive you to santa monica for a beautiful dinner for two then to the bar for drinks and then back to my place to soap up your tits.
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>> chris: next,busted. a news report from seattle's kiro was going around this weekend about this guy, no, that's not tom selleck in witness protection, that's matthew little, a man who was recently banned from riding the public bus. comedians, what did he do to receive this ban? smells like mayor yawn mayor md free mustache rides. >> what happened with my uncle is this -- >> chris: doug. >> i worry he was kicked off for smelling like phaur juan afplt. >> -- emitting a odor on buses that disturbs others. >> from time to time i smell like i showed marijuana, probably because i just did. >> yes, why not. chris: he looks like a magician pirate. that is a harsh punishment for a
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man that looks like the image of when you google "bus passenger." performing "baked" at the improv in hollywood november 12 with steve agee, it's brendon small. [ applause ] keep the tag team theme going with 300 points from "guardians of the galaxy vol. 2" coming this spring, it's steve agee. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 400 points and some would say unfairly eliminated the last time he was on a couple of weeks ago, some people. i haphazardly kicked him off the top of the patriarchy. it's back. host of "doug loves movies" podcast, live taping at the wilbur theater in boston october 8, it's doug benson. [cheers and applause]
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and now it's time for tonights #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] the worst part of the donald's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week has got to be his leaked tax return, showing he probably hasn't paid taxes in nearly two decades. this after drum -p declared a loss of $916 million in 1995. to put that insane amount of money in context, it's 14 private jets, 63 minor league baseball teams, or 45.8 million dildos on amazon. trump's campaign is playing his alleged tax evasion off as a smart business move, though they're facing a pretty tough critic: trump of the past. he criticized president obama for not paying enough taxes, the middle class for not paying enough taxes, and even bragged about how much he paid. wow that donald trump guy is not doing donald trump any favors! but since angry road cone minutes away from the nuclear codes, donald trump, clearly has it all figured out, tonight's hashtag is, #trumpfinancialtips examples: "claim your toupee as a dependant" and "save money by buying wives in bulk."
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i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. >> take glossy photos of your daughter and sell them to the choicest perverts in new york city. >> chris: points. doug. >> always bet against black. chris: alright. >> ya, you heard me. this is serious. >> chris: points. >> save money on hats by wearing road kill. >> chris: points. agee. >> if taxes are too high, fat shame them. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. steve. >> market tit milk as stamina sauce. >> chris: brendon. >> never pay for goods or services. >> chris: points. doug. >> lose 900 million, check the sofa cushions. >> chris: steve. >> plant magic beans maybe you can grow them into a bean stock
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and rob a giant. >> what is this character you're doing? >> steve, i would like to speak to donald trump for a minute. >> go ahead, chris. chris: how do you plan to market stamina sauce? >> i'm going to milk my titties into a jar. i will use donald trump s saran wrap. [beep] i don't know. >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #trumpfinancialtips and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by: by: well done! sick of getting gouged for limited data?
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whthat i would never grow up. made a deal with myself we met when we were very young... i was 17, he was 18. we made the movie the book of life. we started doing animation. with the surface book, you can do all this stuff. you can actually draw on the screen. so crisp. i love it. it's almost like this super powerful computer and a tablet had the perfect baby. it's a typewriter for writing scripts... it's a sketchbook for sketches... ...it's a canvas for painting... you can't do that on a mac. i got my new iphone 7 from sprint. zero dollars.. sprint? i'm hearing good things about the network all the networks are great now. we're talking within a 1% difference in reliability of each other. and, sprint saves you 50% on most current national carrier rates. if you got 1% more haircut than me today, would you really pay twice as much? no, i wouldn't. copy that. switch to sprint. get the iphone 7 for zero dollars with eligible trade in. plus save 50% off most current national carrier rates. don't let a 1% difference cost you twice as much. whoooo! for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com.
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play son of children rhymes tv. [cheers and applause] if you have children, then you know that plopping them down in front of a screen of some kind is the only way you can get anything done. "childrenrhymes" is a youtube channenefor kids that mesmerizes your little urchins with bright colors, auto-tuned nursery rhymes, and copyright infringement out the (/ bleep/ ) wazoo. comedians, i'm gonna show you some clips of these insane child mind scramblers and for 250 points i want you to answer a question. let's kick it off with a bunch of multicolored spider-men riding a giant banana. ♪ ♪ if you're happy and you know
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it if you're happy and you know it clap your hands. [laughing] >> [beep] you, yellow spiderman. chris: now, we have all had that dream. what does this dream mean? doug. >> if you're happy you should show it by covering your entire face with a mask. >> chris: points. [ applause ] steve agee. >> parentally it means i will [beep] five spidermen. [laughing] >> chris: points. how are they holding the tires onto that ba than a? a engineering stand point. i'm sorry, brendon. you're right. you're right, i apologize. [laughing] >> chris: next up, here's some sort of batman giving the talk to his bat-kid. ♪
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[laughing] modest home then i would ofe thought. >> chris: i don't know why they're flying what other powers of the bat-kid? >> scaring the [beep] skin off anyone who seize them. >> chris: next up this clip is brought to you by office depot. [laughing] >> what? chris: you wouldn't do this [beep] all the time maybe his house wouldn't be so [beep] messy. what was spider man writing there? >> a fake ransom note for his daughter's spider jon benae. >> chris: doug.
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>> he's writing the theme in spider man iii where tobey mcgwire dances like a fool. >> chris: yes, points. yes. venom. the venom suit makes you dance crazy. >> yes, dancing around and lose your [beep]. >> chris: next up let's go to bed. hulk sleep. ♪ one fell off and one fell. [laughing] [laughing] >> first of all wha what is othr medical advice from doctor spider man. >> don't get laser vaginal rejuvenation. from doctor octopus. >> oh, unless you're an octopus. chris: okay. good. steve agee. >> it's regularly check your
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testicles for lumps in the shower. for god's sake hulk, don't squeeze too hard when you do. that. >> chris: you think hulk can squeeze his own balls off. >> smashed balls. chris: alright. >> it's that simple. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of son of children rhymes tv. it's time for our live challenge, children rhymes t rex. [cheers and applause] >> chris: we're not done with this paint huffing trip yet, guys. you've got to hand it to the children rhymes tv gang. they know what kids love, and they cram as much of that love into every video as they can. with that in mind, take a look at this dinosaur with a mohawk fighting a nazi tank. ♪ ♪
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>> chris: what are we learning from this? why are the nazis attacking new york, or why we're defending the love boat. maybe this story needs a little more investigation! comedians, i want you to put on your journalism hats and give me a news report live from the scene of this odd event. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! ♪ from breakfast burritos to late night quesadillas 20 decadent cravings $1 all day at taco bell. let the feast begin.
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if it's for you, you'll know. ah, thank you. wild turkey®. it'll find you. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you a video from the children rhymes tv youtube channel wherein a t. rex kicks a nazi tank into a cruise ship and i asked you to give me a live report from the scene. let's hear what you wrote. doug benson, let's start with you. >> i'm too high to deal right now. look i think my hand is a microphone. back to you in the studio. [laughing] >> chris: alright. thank you, doug benson. brendon small, livon the scene. >> -- new yorker frantically trying to distance themselves from donald trump. [laughing] >> chris: alright. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: steve adee. >agee.>> chris, i'm live here oe scene. i don't know how i got here. last i remember i was at a phist con ert with m my cousin remy. he gave me this pill. what does it mean, chris? everyone was taken to the hospital, the doctor is spider man and he's telling them to spec their nuts. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. [cheers and applause] >> chris: appreciate the fact that as a reporter you ignored you have a motorcycle row phone by shouting. [laughing] >> i'm having mic issues like trump. >> chris: i'm giving a thousand points to steve and 500 to doug and brendon. we go to our next game tphror customs. florida, a place where people have to retire to if they lose a bet, recently released a list of
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items seized by customs, from the butts and shampoo bottles of attempted smugglers. the list includes birth control pills, 62 pounds of cocaine, counterfeit hello kitty earrings, pumpkin seeds, and iguana meat, just to name a few things people in florida need so bad that they're willing to get smuggler poo on their hands. comedians, i want you to name as many things seized by florida customs as you can. in 60 seconds begin. doug benson. >> nazi tanks. chris: points. brendon. >> black market early bird speublz. >> chris: points. steve agee. >> lindsay lohan's finger. chris: brendon. >> 600,000 milligrams of centrum silver. >> chris: steve. >> 1700 gallons of stamina sauce. >> chris: points. doug. >> they took my dignity. chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: doug benson, steve and written don are tied.
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so everyone is going to for the win now. that means it's time to punch out, it's for the win! [cheers and applause] >> chris: now tyson fury is a british boxer with a name out of mortal kombat. early monday the man nicnamed the gypsy king abruptly retired, via the most obscene tweet not posted by @realdonaldtrump. it reads: "boxing is the saddest thing i ever took part in, all a pile of (/ bleep/ ), i'm the greatest, and i'm also retired, so go (/ bleep/ ) a (/ bleep/ ), happy days." >> happy days. >> go [beep] lavern and shirley. chris: yes [beep] happy days. [ applause ] fury later seemed to reverse his stance, but his promoter declares he'll never fight
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again, and his uncle claims he might fight next year. whatever ends up happening, this is the best resignation since nixon flipped double birds and said "eat a dick america." >> give me an l dj. chris: very good. >> i will give that you. chris: you're going to the final round. comedians, i want you to come up with your own dramatic tweet to quit a job. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] we know it's you.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores khaepb. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i told you about tyson fury, who retired from boxing with a wildly profane tweet. i asked you to come up with your own dramatic tweet to quit a job. let's see your answers. first one ... hey at quiznos i quitnoz. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two ... is a real problem man. you can take thi

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