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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 13, 2016 2:05am-2:36am PDT

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seige. these are dictatorships. when those privileges are at risk, these sorts of things happen. so the most important thing someone can do is vote. (applause) (applause). >> trevor: thank you for your time. national geographic magazine, is available now, bryan christy, everyone. we'll be right back. to its roots. brewed only in golden, colorado... ...and nowhere else. ever. coors banquet. that's how it's done. ♪ ♪ power, power to the lord ♪ power, power to the lord ♪
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suit yourself. . >> trevor: that's our show for tonight, thank you so much for tuning in, stay tuned forrate midnight coming up next. here it is, your moment of zen. >> for me personally, if hillary clinton gets in, i myself, i'm ready for a revolution because we can't have her in. >> you don >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight and the day resets and that milk in your fridge expires, kevin. finish the milk by midnight, kevin. i'm not telling you again, god damn it. i'm chris hardwick, this is @midnight. look, we're all exhausted by the ongoing 2016 campaign between westworld mayor hillary clinton
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and self appointed obgyn donald trump. [laughing] [ applause ] that fatigue is starting to rub off on our nation's worst responders, also known as pundits. in a fox news segment with megyn kelly yesterday, donald trump surrogate and likely backyard moonshine distiller mike huckabee tried to compare the election to the movie "jaws." >> chris: but the analogy didn't hold water take a look. >> it's like the original "jaws" at the end of the day they kill the shark and you are happy about it. now hillary is the shark. >> -- was eaten by the shark. [laughing] >> chris: hang on, hang on megyn. i can handle this. "hold on, i can land this, and bill clinton is the mayor, and tim kaine is the little boy, and putin is roy scheider, and mike
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-- michael rubio s-td license plate they pull out of the shark and mike pence is the boat? (/ bleep/ ) i thought i had it. i was that close. obviously hayseed is confused and disoriented by moving picture shows. so what's a more accurate movie based comparison for the 2016 election? >> i would say "blue is the warmest color." that is what i am voting. i hope they are scissoring. >> chris: points. russel. >> "joesy and the pussy grabbers." >> chris: points. erinn. >> really, any woody allen movie because trump is also trying to [beep] his daughter. >> chris: points. first up don't neglect the balls. the playoffs and something
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exciting is happening. what would it be. a, two strikers in a nude fist fight. b, bill murray. c, photobombing in a purple suit. >> i'm going with nude streakers in a fist fight. i want to see it. >> chris: me too. it was c. the only lepercahn banned from base wall for life. pete rose, everyone. [laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: he doesn't know where he is. pete rose wasn't playing, of course, he was just there in his official capacity as mayor of mcdonaldland. i guess. and now that we've all had a good laugh at the willy wonka suit he borrowed from steve harvey that makes him look like a dick tracy villain called widehead, we can get to the real issue here. comedians, what makes rich hill so difficult to hit?
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erinn. >> that's literally their job, to throw fast balls -- also -- fart. >> chris: i will give you points for allowing that to happen. [laughing] >> it's my happy place. >> chris: next, justice league of nations. later this month, wonder woman will be sworn in as the u.n. honorary ambassador for the empowerment of women and girls. just as i always suspected, the "n" in "u.n." stands for "nerds." and you know they're serious about female empowerment, since they gave the job to a fictional character. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: i mean she's real. she's real. comedians, what are some other jobs superheroes could have at the u.n.? >> the ambassadors of transgender rights. the ex-men. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. very good.
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verbally assault, alright. erinn. >> the flash is over going to seoversee global pizza delivery. ten seconds or left. >> chris: yes, yasser. >> ambassador to porn in the soviet union. >> chris: yes. points. [ applause ] >> chris: next, you got bwned. i'm guessing that no matter who you're supporting this november you'll agree: this election is the (/ bleep/ ) worst. [laughing] >> chris: but luckily, during the second debate we all got to meet ken bone. the be-sweatered mustachioed undecided (/ bleep/ ) machine wo stole the internet's heart. and made love to us sweetly. in honor of this civic-minded build-a-bear, we played the hashtag ken bone facts, for instance: did you know that if ken bone unfurled his moustache it would dwarf the wingspan of a bald eagle? so we tracked down the man himself on skype and got him to
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-- he is delightful. and we got him to choose his favoritte fact. ladies and gentlemen, ken bone! so i had to ask our man what he thought. >> chris, it was a thrill to see the twitter friday night. i can't pick my favorite. i will read a few of the best. he can't attend an ugly sweater party. they all look so good on him. duhhh. [laughing] >> the iluminati goes to him for advice on what to do. yes i got a call from jay-z and beyonce after it. he's the fifth golden girl. yes. [cheers and applause] >> clowns tweet about ken bone sightings. yes.
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ken's heart creates dangerous levels of euphoria they had to be regulated by the fda. that's absolutely true, you shouldn't operate heavy machinery after snug willing with me. thank you, chris. i want to encourage everyone to get out and register to vote. in 2016, yes we can. [cheers and applause] get out and vote everyone! >> chris: thank you ken! and yes i have this, the sexy ken bone outfit for halloween. i asked ken what he thought about it. >> chris, i saw the sexy ken bone costume. i was strangely aroused. i want to point out there is only one sexy ken bone out fit out there. i'm wearing it. >> chris: sexy ken bone. the real sexy ken bone. get out and vote everyone. thank you, ken bone for being
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wonderful. that's the end of rapid refresh. let's check the scoreboards. with 400 points. his new hour special "almost famous" is streaming now on netflix, it's russell peters. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 500 points from "kevin can wait," mondays on cbs, it's erinn hayes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with 400 points from "making history," coming soon to fox, it's yassir lester. [cheers and applause] and now it's time for tonights #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] when twitter was created we we all excited for a new way to share our ideas and connect with each other until the twitter trolls showed up to ruin our good clean fun. we are now forced to share our timelines with sexist trolls, racist trolls, the grammar nazis, and real nazis. it's enough to make you yearn
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for the end. of twitter, i mean! that's why tonight's hashtag is #myfinaltweetwillbe. examples: "did you know you can tweet from the inside of an alligator's mouth?" and "look out secret service, you're about to get pranked!" i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. erinn. >> hang on i'm taking my tkpal axe 7 off speaker. >> chris: yasser. >> picking up a couch off craig's list. >> chris: russel. >> a great deal from malaysian airlines. >> chris: points for. that stretching the audience's boundaries. yasser. >> what is a check evenin engint mean. >> chris: erinn. >> -- gorilla. chris: russel. >> finally in the bathtub about to make some toast. >> chris: russel. >> that would be watch the show, see how strong i am. >> chris: yasser. >> let's find out if red bull
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really gives you wicks. >> chris: points. erinn. >> sushi doesn't go bad right, lol. >> chris: russel. >> fish rattlesnake. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #myfinaltweetwillbe and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @thedaveperkins. well done! ♪ music grandma, i'm good. now you don't have to distract yourself to last longer. with new k-y duration spray, men everywhere can last longer and stay in the moment. new k-y duration. you too?
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play abstain in the membrane.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: you know sure, the internet might have one or two videos about how sex is cool and fun and a good way to get to know your step-mom, but i prefer the videos that show that sex is dangerous and gross and best saved for marriage. i'm going to show you one of the internet's many tight little pro-virginity videos and for 250 points you're going to have to answer a question about it. first up, the abstinence rap! ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: not bad for an abstinence song. [cheers and applause] >> chris: judging by this song, i'm guessing these guys could clean up some famously dirty rap lyrics. what's a clean hip hop song they might sing? yasser. >> baby got back into school to better her life.
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>> chris: very good. next up these cool christian teens. >> everybody is doing it. >> no. >> -- i'm not. ♪ ♪ >> chris: comedians, what did these thespians do at the after party? russel. >> anal, because it doesn't count. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: yes. >> -- put it in my butt. >> chris: next up, this hip dude. >> hey guys i was thinking about masturbation. whatever you call it we're going through reasons it shouldn't be part of your christian walk.
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do you feel guilty after you masturbate? that is more stress. go to skraoes us for your needs. >> chris: so, he's going to finish you off? i don't understand how that will work. what are some needs jesus could help this guy with? >> his christian walk of shame tomorrow morning. >> chris: points. erinn. >> he could help him a sorting his ankle length polo shirt. >> chris: next, this helpful officer teaching fellas in the navy how to avoid s.t.d.'s. what kinds of helpful -- >> keep your 13 buttons buttoned. >> if you want further details come and see me. >> chris: what kinds of helpful
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information do they learn in doc's office? erinn. >> keep their mouths shut. pretty little mouths shut. >> chris: finally, this one's for all the '90's kids in the audience. >> yep. [cheers and applause] [laughing] >> chris: so jaleel white a alum nift of the program on a few weeks ago. great catchphrases like "did i do that?" and "got any cheese?" what's one of abstinent urkel's catchphrases? >> did i do her? no i'm waiting for marriage. >> chris: points. very good. you missed a calling. yasser. >> back off girl, you ain't getting none of jaleel's white.
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>> chris: alright. points. >> chris: russel. >> you heard of a circle jerk. how about an urkle jerk. >> chris: points. very good. very good. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of abstain in the membrane. it's time for our live challenge, insane in the abstain. we've been looking at a lot of very helpful abstinence videos today. ya that's right -- [beep] suckers and [beep]. today, but this next one sends some mixed messages with its mix of terrifying facts and a hot n' nasty slow-jam soundtrack. take a look. >> hello, we're going to talk about sexually transmitted diseases. currently one in five americans between the ages of 15 and 55 have a sexually transmitted disease. two-thirds of the new infections occur in those under the age of
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25. >> chris: dr. douglas eaton ain't cheating. comedians, what's something else this doctor could make super-sexy with this funky soundtrack? we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] i am rich. in my gentleman's quarters, we sip champagne and peruse my art collection, which consists of renaissance classics and more avant-garde pieces.
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with a doritos locos taco, crunchy taco and medium drink and you could win playstation vr. [sfx: bong] our food was pretty darn close, too. we're keepin' that spirit alive with fajitas, a salad, and a mini molten cake for just $10. chili's. chilin' since '75. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you an abstinence video with an unusually sexy slow jam
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and asked for you to make your hone hot n' nasty health video. let's see what you came up with. yasser, let's start with you. >> girl, i'm sorry to tell you, you have hiv. a heavenly interesting vagina. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: erinn hayes. >> ooh, girl, look at those tits. for the last time because you have cancer and you need a double mastectomy. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: excellent bedside manner. >> ya, been working on it. chris: russel peters, let's go with you. >> do me a favor and pee in this
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cup. don't worry about over flow, i will hang onto it. when you done that, baby girl, [beep] on this bread. it is buffet time. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. a thousand points to erinn, 500 to russel -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for bae iz stoopid. one of the most up-voted reddit posts this week was a thread asking "at what moment did you realize you were dating an idiot?" it turns out people have dated a lot of dummies. some favorite answers include: "he called lingerie 'linguine.'" and "she pointed at a bluish star and asked 'is that earth?'" but it's a fact: you're either dating an idiot, or you're the idiot. so comedians, please give us some warning signs of how you might know your partner may not be that bright.
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60 seconds begin. erinn. >> i think pandas are fat era kaobz. >> chris: resident he will. >> he wants to make america great again. [cheers and applause] >> chris: russel. >> she is dating me. chris: points. yasser. >> her mom also approves of me. chris: points. >> -- chris: points. russel. >> she calls her vagina her front butt. krefplt erinn. >> apple care for actual apples. chris: russel. >> she thinks i will pay her back. >> chris: he erinn. >> she thinks teenage mutant ninja turtles are too bright. >> chris: russel. >> i have a real one. martin luther king day is mar that luther king day.
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>> chris: that's right. gender responsible. where is our martin luther king day, ladies. >> chris: that is the end of bae ain't stupid. i see yasser lester you're in third place and we must eliminate you. it's okay. we love you. red light. >> chris: that means it's time to talk about fight club, it's for the win! bronx science high school is known for having the best and brightest, the smartest students from across new york city. now it's also known for its fight club. the "daily news" is reporting that seniors at the prestigious school organized an underground fighting ring among its overachievers, and you can watch the actual video over at punch-you-in-the-facebook. incidentally, the first rule of bronx science fight club is, "not in the face, these braces cost my parents a fortune!" comedians, as an elite science student, (/ bleep/ )-talk your fight club opponent.
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we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. silence! [cheers and applause] i'm here in bristol, virginia. and now...i'm in bristol, tennessee. on this side of the road is virginia... and on this side it's tennessee. no matter which state in the country you live in, you could save hundreds on car insurance by switching to geico. look, i'm in virginia...
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