tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central October 13, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT
♪ are we ever goin' know? ♪ you should make up your mind ♪ take you back to my shrine ♪ and i'ma need the whole night ♪ ♪ and a little bit more ♪ ♪ i'm gonna need the whole night ♪ ♪ they don't know how you like it ♪ ♪ i'm gonna need the whole night ♪ ♪ i'ma need the whole night and a little bit more ♪ ♪ i'm gonna need the whole night ♪ (cheers and applause). >> chris: st 29 minutes until midnight and we announced the winner of the-- on the other hand time is just an illusion and this show dnt even exist outside of your imagination. i'm chris hardewijk, this is "@midnight." you might remember the rio olympics as that thing that happened that looked like it smelled bad. well, the international olympic committee is already looking for a city for the 2024 games. the only problem is nobody wants them, surprise. rome became the latest city to abandon their bid because of the massive price tag and because they already have enough delab dated sport fas silts, they don't need any more. cities willing to accept the
huge cost believing it would offset by the increase in tourism but the only tourist attraction rio got was a big sign that aid here's where wry an-- ryan lockty took a piss. only three cities are left in the running for the games, one happens to on our own loss lang-- los angeles, california. no, no, no, no, no. no! no! [bleep] that [bleep] i don't want-- we don't need the traffic. we don't need-- people come here. we don't need it. but comedians what do you think? do you think the olympics should come to l.a. >> yes, and i think the lapd could dominate the shooting events. >> chris: all right. ramon. >> yes, i think the sex and partying at the olympic village will be an upgrade from the sex and sad partying at skid row. >> chris: all right. you're right. points. randy. >> i think, yes, there is going to be a little different in l.a the main event will be sucking a
producer's [bleep] for a role in the new transformers movie. >> chris: all right. that is points for you. now it's time to bietd the hand that grabs, it's panderdome. (applause) it is beginning to look a lot like prison. creepy new details about gop nominee dr. cu xtable, walking in on naked teen pageant participates, uninvited kissing and wednesday a video surface for donald trump on entertainment tonight, apparently, he apparently was watching a group of ten year old girls and saying, yes. i don't want to you get upset, i did not do this. he was watching a group of ten year old girls and saying, i'm going to be dating her in ten years. >> i'm going to be dating her in ten years.
>> chris: you probably just voted for hillary in your mouth a little bit. (cheers and applause) but i need you to understand how [bleep] crazy this is. this is a ten year old girl and this is 1992, at that moment his daughter ivanka was an 11 year old girl, but they were already dating. so he was talking about-- as usual, the whreep bleep he says is not only gross but inaccurate. he didn't date that girl ten years later. comedians, let's show this wizard with tu retz how it is done. what do you think he will be do be ten years from now. >> building a casino in hell, i'm talking about new jersey. >> chris: all right, okay. points. marcella. >> he will be found dead inside of his fifth wife. >> chris: all right, points.
next up, possession is 9 shall 10 of a lawyer. there is fierce resistance of hardnose wnba coach hillary clinton but ultra right-wing conspiracy ther rest alex jones unleashed a damning accusation claiming hillary and obama are po es ised by demons. >> i in never a lesser of two evils but with hillary there is not even the same universe, she is an ak ject psychopathic demon from hell. folks, i've been told this by-- they say listen o bama and hillary both smell like sulfur. >> my face is going to pop at any moment. like a [bleep] balloon, it is just going to pop. it is just going to pop at any moment. this explain whys hillary has been ending speeches with klaatu barada nikto. now we know. how did obama respond to this leather balloon's wild accusation, ae he didn't, he has better things. b, he took a whiff of himself at
a rally, c he confessed, he's a demon in the sack. marcella. >> he didn't, he's got better things to do. >> chris: you think so the correct answer is shall. >> he said me and hillary are demons. said we smell like sulfur. ain't that something. (cheers and applause). >> chris: next blink 18truth, wikileaks dumped emails and it turns out tom delonge has been emailing the hillry clinton campaign to request a meeting to discussu fos since in the past she said she would releaseu fo information to the public proving trump is right and she is trying to bring aliens to this country! we need to build a sky wall.
(laughter) clinton camp promptly deleted those emails to stay true to her campaign platform green day rules. so since hillary is in secretary communicado with tom delonge what other issues is she talking to musicians about. randy. >> the guy from creed wants to know how long it's legal to sleep in your car in a dennee's parking lot. >> chris: all right, yes. points for that. ramon. >> she's talking to brian setser about where to get a gloot suit about where the next debate. >> chris: points, that brings us to the end of pander dom, with 500 points from the bone zone podcast live taping at hell yes fest in new orleans this weekend, randy liedtke kee. also with 500 points performing her monthly scandalosa show, marcella arguello.
and with 500 points performing in comedians you show know thursday at the improv in hollywood ramon ken bone rivas. (applause) now it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. disney announced the live action mulan is in the works because all the best ideas are the once you had 20 years ago but almost immediately a rumor was started the reboot would center a white male pronag nis that rescues china, and explains why those aren't his ghostbusters. the hashtag make mulan right took off only producing to clarify there will not be a white liedtke but only because scarlet joe hanson, tilda swintton and matt damon and the cast of the last air bender were busy. this is a big win, very big win
for collect cinema, to celebrate wokemovie, examples might be bat mern verse superperson and ten things i hate about institutional racism. i will put 60 seconds, and begin. >> you've got mail privilege. >> chris: all right, points. ramon. >>-- yz randy. >> schlind-- "schindler's list" of things that offend me. >> chris: marcella. >> sophie's prochoice. >> chris: points. >> pulp fracking. >> chris: randy. >> men in black lives matter. >> chris: marcella. >> two white too furious. >> chris: marcella again. >> invasion of the body shamers. >> chris: points. marcella, arguello again. >> the sound of appropriate music. >> chris: yes, point, randy. >> boys and the racially diverse neighborhood. >> chris: points. marcella. >> my big fat nondenominational
commitment ceremony. >> chris: points. ramon. >> guardians of the guy or gal axist. >> lesbian gay bisect all or-- bisect all straight out of compton. >> chris: that is the ind of 9 hashtag wars, send us your hashtag wokemovies to keep this going am we'll return shortly for more of the "@midnight" program. >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. hashtag war. with will played! redid you say 97?97! yes. you know, that reminds me of geico's 97% customer satisfaction rating. 97%? helped by geico's fast and friendly claims service. huh...
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but fair. this beer is tough... coors banquet. that's how it's done. >> chris: oh, the last welcome back to "@midnight." over the last couple of months the nation has been gripped by killer crown hysteria. i know, you are already-- i can feel your butt hole slamming shut. people are reporting mysterious crown clowns walking around and
night, even luring children into the woods. what do you think is going on with these freaking clown, randy. >> this is what happens when you don't stay and newter your jugalos. >> chris: points. marcella. >> those aren't clowns, there are just too many people taking makeup tips from kylie jenner. >> chris: points. ramon. >> we're just learning that white privilege is transferable via makeup. >> chris: all right, i will give you points for that. now today we are planning on doing one of our voter voice segments. >> but instead i would like to take a moment to assure everyone that killer clowns are not real. they are a manifestation of our anxiety. people are superfreaked by the election, some goobers are taking that anxiety and bringing it into the real world. they're trolling us all. and in a way, aren't they kind of holding up a mirror to society and reflecting where we are at right now. this sort of grotesque painted figure that is darker than it
seems beneath the surface, but i promise you, there is no such thing as a murder clown. >> yes there is! >> chris: jessus [bleep] christ. >> hello. i the murder clown, giggles. >> chris: you're real? >> oh, yes i'm real, chris. and boy oh boy do i love murder. >> chris: first of all, i think white face is wrong. and-- (laughter) you're not going to kill us, are you? >> probably not. you want to smell my flower. >> chris: no. >> it's full of human blood. >> chris: all right. oarksz, that's-- why are you
here? >> oh, chris, because this election is very important. and i just want to make sure our voices are heard. now i am not here only on behalf of murderclown, okay. i'm also here for thieving magicians, loitering acrobats, jugglers that are cannibalistic and scientologists,. >> chris: okay. >> hey, hey, if you don't vote, you don't count. >> okay, so i assume because you're a violent psychopath trying to-- you are voting for trump. >> oh no way, man, he scares the [bleep] out of me. >> chris: seriously. >> yeah, yeah. the paint on my face may be rendered from the human satin kidney blood of my victims but i'm not crazy. no, no, no. i am with her. >> all right.
>> yes. i mean-- that is why we're popping up everywhere, lately, to get out of vote. just look at this mass of clowns being seen from atlas obscura huh? we got florida, ohio, pennsylvania, swing states, huh? but also we clowns feel comfortable there because they remind us of hell. >> chris: okay, okay, this is shedding a lot of light. so the murderclown thing is all about voting but why are you luring kids into the woods? >> oh boy, it's called grass roots campaigning, chris! you lure a kid into the woods, tie them up. wave around a chainsaw, boom, another vote for hillary. >> chris: what, i don't-- hang on, though. what about the footage of a clown going up to some random person's door brandishing a machete. >> okay, door to door canvassing, chris. come on! you knock on the door, you break
in, you hide in the attic for 15 years, coming out only at night, stairing over the children while they sleep and breathing in their breathe. boom, another vote for hillary. >> chris: okay. i get it. okay, i get it. so then i guess this footage of a clown chasing joggers through a park was just about getting them to vote? >> no, actually, we murdered the [bleep] out of those guys. >> chris: oh. >> yeah, yeah. but the point is everyone needs to get out there and vote. hey, as scary as we are, we are nowhere near as bad as donald trump, okay. thank you. i never, i never, ever, i never thought i, a murderclown would be saying this, but please don't vote for the psychopath who has fake hair and an orange face. please? please? >> chris: all right, giggles the clown, everyone, voter voices, these are people from your community.
(applause) where the [bleep] did she go? oh well, comedians, it's halloween season. i want you to follow the kill are clown's example and give me another monster's endorsement of a political candidate, we'll get your answers after the break. we'll be right back with more we'll be right back with more "@midnight".
a bomb enable homeman. big foot records taking over for the 99 in the 2,000, listen, i know these is complicated times but i support donald trump because i know what if is like to be secretly recorded doing and saying wild [bleep] plus i love having something with my daughter, trump, 2016. >> chris: you did the air horn at the end there, that was good. ramon. >> i, freddie krueger am endorsing donald trump to continue my legacy, violating the hopes and dreams of children around the world. yz. >> chris: all right. randy. >> i am history's greatest monster. donald trump. i endorse jason because he has taught me a lot about threatening women. >> chris: 5 4u7b points to.
>> our next game, who would you rather hit. who would you rather hit. professors at mit need your help to decide who should be killed by robots. they designed an online test called the moral machine which presents users with ethical dilemmas for driversless cars, should this car swerve into the barrier and kill everyone or should it save the passengers and mow down the pedestrian t is a complex ethical dilemma that is difficult to resolve so he with thought let's ask three comedians. i will show you images. you have to pick who the driverless car should is hit and why. first up dr. octopus or the octobero mam. >> not the octomom, bah you know i already hit that. >> chris: okay. >> let's do it again. >> chris: points. next one, who gets hit, martin shkreli or a pile of trash in the street. >> trick question, chris, they're both piles of trash. >> chris: all right.
points. >> what did that guy ever do to anybody. >> chris: next one, a baby or baby spice. >> the baby because girl power, mother [bleep]. >> chris, i will tell you what i want, what i really, really want is to kill baby spice. >> chris: unreasonable, it's runnable. >> baby spice is what i call my jiz. >> chris: that is not what you call your jiz. >> okay. >> chris: not what you call your jiz. >> i do. >> chris: next, a flock of goats or gotye. >> goat gotye because he deserves another hit. >> chris: all right, points. very, very well played. that is the ends of who would you rather hit. i see ramon, are you in third place, and we must, we must release you back into the wild streets of los angeles. >> all right, thank you. >> chris: do you have any last words before we remove you? >> just come get high with me,.
>> chris: all right. we must now bath you in red light. that means it's time to ask if you are smoothedder than a fifth grader. it's for the win. (cheers and applause) this amazing passionate preteen love note to abby was trending on reddit today after being posted by abby's auntie. redditer dreicherht87. it reads dear abby your eyes remind me of the evening sky. my heartfelt like broken glass until i saw you and then i felt like hi every pokemon ever. i sure wish this kid should have let this kid write my wedding vows. >> you make my heart feel like i catch them all, girl. this genius kid goes on to say. >> i love how you play zelda even when people think it's weird. if you like me, it will be my first ever victory.
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welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for for the win. i will kiep wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answer and the audience will decide the winner. i asked to you catfish a fifth grader, actually i showed a love note in a fiflt grader and asked you to imagine what the fifth grade response would be. the note was amazing. let's see what you came up with. first one. >> thanks for your interest, but i'm dating a seventh grader. unlike you, he has pu bes. >> i got them in ninth grade. >> or dear romeo junior, oh, i would be your first victory ever, huh, if you want the princess in this castle you got to dominate bowser, get to the kill string in donkey congress imbreg nature miss pac-man, then
and only then can you grab me by the pussy, sincerely boo boo kitty. number two is the winner, who is number two. >> marcella arguello has won the internet, congratulations, well played. what happened out there? what happened? marcella is the funniest person for the next 24 and a half hour, monday our guests will be robert kirkman, adam conover and jonah ray. until then keep tweeting with your hashtag wokemovies. good night. ciau! [repeats warning in slurring voice] tonight all the stories're about scumbags. [intense musical buildup] - aah! - aah! - [kissing sounds] [tires screeching[