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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 20, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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>> i'm frankly shocked by the fact that you're republican and defending hillary clinton. >> you were for bernie sanders two minutes ago! don't lecture me on being a republican! >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight and the day resets and we announce a winner. but until then, i'm just happy to be here with three people i consider to be my best friends and i'm sure feel the same way about me, no need to ask them to confirm. i'm chris hardwick. we're almost out of the woods. we got through the final debate last night somehow. there hasn't been a finale this messy on a vegas stage until the raw show. one of the most shocking. shut up, that guy got really hurt. [laughter]
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one of the most shocking moments early on with the spelling on donald trump's name. you'll see here they spelled it abortion. if that was the crazy enough for you, we can take a quick gander what's behind hillary's head post. it says it right there. oh my god, you guys the abortion was right, the election's rigged. we've been constantly bomb barred by this trash fire [bleep] my guests by this time next month we won't know what to do with ourselves once this is all over. we'll have this weird manic energy but we're almost done. in a few weeks, it will either be president he said or president she said. [bleep] will be over. what will americans hate watching as we try to put our lives back together after this
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2016 election. weird al. >> russian dash cam footage with a car making it safely to their destination. i hate this. >> make it interesting. brother weinbach. >> putting on a tank top at ross dress for less. >> i'm going to watch my waitress talk with the other waitresses while my suit is just sitting there under that heat lamp. >> yes, definitely. [applause] >> chris: now it's time to do karaoke with lady liberty. it's "panderdome." first up parent in chief in anticipation of being discourage by last night's debate the website pop rap listed people running for president like joe biden, beyonce and my mom. what? they really did, they put my mom
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on their list, that's my mom, sharon hill with the nerdy smile on the tweets. she has my vote and that's because she knows about my secrets to destroy my life. i love you mom. don't ever tell anyone the things we talk about it. stay out of my room and out of more dairy. drop me off a block of the mall. come on mom, i don't want everybody to see you get out of your car. comedyians, given that my mom has apparently some sort of political career ahead of her what's a campaign promise a mom might will build a wall around your bed to keep the monsters who live underneath it from attacking you. >> chris: yes, okay, thank you. yes. >> if elected mom, i promise to make sure that you're cool with the fact that i'm dating again. because it's my body and my life and baby stella has got to get her groove back. [cheers and applause] >> chris: all right.
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these dark political time are inspiring same great bands by amee mann right here. actually did a song by donald trump called grab emby the pizza. do you remember when you did that. i mean you just wrote it. [applause] trust me when i say they all can't be great. there are hours of political songs on youtube from goof bottoms that have the amount of votes as you do. i'm going to she you a chain part of them and you the tell e what they are. weird al. >> i'm not sure but he was pro hunger games. >> let's find out who he's voting.
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♪ trump is the man trump knows the way. [applause] kenny rodgers really let himself go. we know he's great at music. what are some of his other hobbies? >> he's got the world's largest american flag jayped collection. unaddicted. >> next up, this patriotic lady, who is she voting for? kate. >> lynn manuel maranda. >> let's all find out together. ♪ music i want to vote for
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hillary ♪ for you donald trump and if you think they're not, you can just kiss my rump ♪ [applause] what do you think her grandkids say to her at the last family reunion. >> grandma the revolution war is over. >> al. >> the last few years happened all in your head. you're in the hospital. it's time to cross over. go into the light grandma, go into the light. [applause] the. >> how about this macklemore. there he is. who is he voting for. al. >> i think it's the funky bunch tickets. >> whatever it is, i'm going to give you points for that. let's hear the song.
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♪ the freedom, constitution i'm taking on my big ♪ saying i can't talk about god's kingdom ♪ singing they're the one that built my small business ♪ [laughter] >> that's probably florida. [laughter] it just looks like it. what's another rhyme might be in this song. kate. >> my voice's all right i can do no wrong weird al i dare you to cover that song. [crowd cheering] let's check the score boards. tonight we have three features from the festival supreme october 29th at the shrine expo all in los angeles. visit festival for tickets and info with 800 points weird al yankovic.
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also with ocho hundred points. [applause] >> currently in the lead with 99 points, kate mccucci. let's get down to hashtagwars. shockotober has a new haunted house. what could go wrong without having something to catch the poo. prudes have understanding. that's why tonight's hashtag is sexy or owe. examples could be rue paul's democrat race -- dr.
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c race. al. >> nocturnal limits on element street. >> kate. >> night of the giving head. >> kate. >> friday the 69th. >> weird al. >> once you go front lagoon you never go back lagoon. >> the bear itch project. >> weird al. >> beyonce versus predator. >> an american pubic inharria. >> dr. ject al, mr. hyde and mrs. hyde jason sucks freddy. >> kate. >> the unzipped fly. >> yes. weird al. >> wankenstein. >> that's sex or owe.
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we'll continue more. we'll continue more. well pla went up the waterspout. down came the rain... ...and clogged the gutter system creating a leak in the roof. luckily the spider recently had geico help him with homeowners insurance. water completely destroyed his swedish foam mattress. he got full replacement and now owns the sleep number bed. his sleep number setting is 25. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance.
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if i hired you, i see a few things changing. less mergers and acquisitions, more charitable donations. retiring on top. linda?! letting boredom get the best of me. and then, returning triumphantly. smells like we're done here. [old spice anthem]
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[crowd cheering] >> chris: and we're back. one of the highlights on the last night's debate is watching the candidates distance themselves from the russian ved vladimir putin calling the charges hysteria just before whispering hail high draw under.
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what should we do about him metaling into the election. kate. >> we're going to watch other country's dash cam video. >> we should deport back to russia. he's swedish by the way. and then elect rocky balboa for president. >> rocky, rocky, rocky, rocky, rocky. >> you all need to stop that. weird al. >> tell putin to stopper we'll release photos of him with his shirt on. >> so to find out about this alleged russian medaling is electing voter we'll have another installment of voter voices. talking with a self proclaimed normal millennial who grew up in america all his life. johnny young. thank you for being here, johnny young. [applause]
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>> thanks. i love text, i love netflix and chill dawg. spelled dawg, the young way. >> chris: okay great. that kills any suspicions. what do you think about russia's interferon in our election. >> hey, chill out, man! russia has nothing to do with this. bazinga! [applause] >> chris: first first of all ty don't. >> no you've been smoking too much of that icky which i as a
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millennial enjoys to do with their young friends. >> that's awful, that's bad. [applause] [laughter] "fortune" magazine, russian hackers are believed to be responsible for obtaining 19,000 private emails from the democratic party. >> you still use email, old man? the new cool thing is snapchat! you can send secret messages to your millennial friends who have infiltrated every level of the american government, and the messages automatically self-destruct! plus, there are filters to make you look like a bunny! what a country.
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>> to i'm not trying to be a dick but you sound like an older eastern european man and that you run a pager story. [laughter] >> oh, i'm from new jersey. that's my hipster beard confusing you. >> i don't know, can we call up this guy's credentials please. i'm not sure johnny the real deal. what are you doing on your phone. come on. >> oh, no! technical difficulties! epic fail! harambe! >> chris: that has nothing to do with anything. [applause] why are you calling out a deceased gorilla name and hacking my show at the same time. >> i think it's kind of dangerous.
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>> chris: what did you do. >> they're gone. >> chris: what did you do. >> they're vladimir putin's points now. >> stop that clappingment for the presidential election that's fine but don't you dare the integrity of the person @midnight. get out of here you russian spy,. a russian spy everyone. [cheers and applause] >> driver security is a real possible for all of us. i want you to offer some practical tips we can use to avoid getting hack. we'll have your answers after the break. we'll be right back with more @midnight.
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but fair. this beer is tough... coors banquet. that's how it's done. brewed generation after generation... this beer is fiercely loyal. only with moravian barley. coors banquet. that's how it's done. [crowd cheering] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i asked you
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three cyber experts to give us some advice to avoid getting hacked. l e t 's start with weird al yang vict number one. >> the best way to avoid being hack is to throw it up a highway overpass, shave your beard, steel your van from your neighbor, drive to rural idaho and move into a spide hole until the bridge chances and you can rejoin what's left as society as a wandering priest who sings song for water. >> chris: i'm going to have to try that. brett weinbach. >> you could to go to one two three or -- lover four, five six. >> i don't worry about cyber security because i traded my iphone for a phone planted in my brain and no one can hack that, no one can hack that, no one can hack that, no one can hack that. >> chris: very good. [applause]
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>> chris: a thousand points for weird al, 500 each to kate and brett as we go to our next game. deez news. faithful news sources is newser. sometimes it's for the attention grabbing head lines like this gem from fuss. something is the scrotum frogs. thanks for newser. we'll keep checking back. by the way it's in your science/frog section. maybe you should file it away under an dangered species slash nut sack. a sad story of a rare south american frog. as a ten year old it's hilarious
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for the headlines. comedians for the next 0 seconds give me ridiculous headlines that would amuse ten year old man. al. >> silent by deadly gas explosion. >> places to eat out in beautiful intercourse, pennsylvania. >> rare penis found in ordinary butt hole. [laughter] >> weird al. >> employees caught sistering on company property. >> al. >> -- in a. >> dick got sprayed, watch out. >> zoo display of rare hairless beaver. >> chris: all right, very good. [applause] that's the end of deez news.
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i see weinbach here in third place with 2300 points. supposed to eliminate you. i'm not going to cut you lose. we had to do that debate last night. come on, let's make this show great again. all right. that mains it's time to nut. it's for the win. wild card right here. a squirrel climbed to the top of reddit this week when he was photographed asking for a handout. fox news is right, welfare really is out of control-- and i mean literal fox news. r u n by foxes. but many commenters noted that it looks like this little guy is praying; that, or he's just one of those evangelical squirrels that tells us we're going to squirrel hell for mixing walnuts with our acorns. so, comedians, what prayer is being uttered by this fuzzy
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little zealot? we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." heineken light makes it ok to flip another man's meat. answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." no no no, you never flip another man's meat. award-winning heineken light is the best light beer you've ever tasted. that's true. can i have one? can i flip your meat? no. suit yourself. halloween break! chance, chance the rapper! ♪ break me off a piece of that kit kat bar ♪
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that's a good song. have a break, have a kit kat. i'm jamie foxx for verizon. in the nation's largest independent study by rootmetrics, again, verizon is the number one network. hi, i'm jamie foxx for sprint. and i'm jamie foxx for t-mobile. (both) and we're just as good. really? only verizon was ranked number one nationally in data, reliability, text and call and speed. yeah! and you're gonna fist bump to that? get out of my sight. don't get fooled by a cut rate network. verizon gives you tons of data without all the restrictions. get 20 gigs and 4 lines for only $160. with no surprise overages on america's best network.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i kept all three people because i like mixing it up when the internet starts yelling at me this is a real game show. i'm going to wipe down and read your answers and the audiences gets to decide the winner. who else would empower you on television other than me chris hardwick [bleep] everyone else is what i say. i showed this rodent and asked you to write out a prayer. number one. dear lord please help me get a date with pizza rat. maybe you can. number two, please help me, richard gere is on the loose with a bottle and a peanut butter spoon. oh dear. that joke is older than most of you in this audience.
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or please baby please pay a little attention to deez nuts. number two is the winner. who is number two. brett weinbach. [crowd cheering] >> chris: we'll see you tuesday night. twitting @midnight with sexy horror and become tuesday's tweet of the day. tweet of the day. i'm @hard wick on the tweets and - "this is not happening" is rated tv-ma. it is intended only for mature audiences. viewer discretion is advised. tonight, all the stories are about mortality. [owl hooting] [dark electronic music] ♪ - [low bellowing]


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