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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 26, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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[cheers and applause] >> chris: greetings. >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight and the day resets and we announce a winner. this is all the news that's fit to tweet. i'm chris hardwick. the n.b.a. had its season opener last night, and i've been informed i have to say something about it. the season kicked off with the cleveland cavaliers receiving their championship rings, making it officially the city's first title since winning 1969's most flammable river. here is a shot of that. but the big news was this year's title favorite, golden state warriors, getting blown out at home by the san antonio spurs. i'm being told i just said that wrong. blown out. blown out. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: no hands, no hands. [laughing] the stunning loss inspired this nba meme from nba memes. boy, seems like "crying jordan" season comes earlier each year. analysts suspect this loss could be a warning sign for the warriors, who added a versatile offensive weapon with kevin durant but thinned their bench and lost some key defensive stoppers. that sentence probably makes sense to sports fans, but to me it sounds like "waffle iron frankenstein pirate ship dunkaroos electric blanket wesley crusher adult diaper q-bert penis." [laughing] >> chris: so comedians, what's your big prediction for the n.b.a. season? nico. >> well, i don't know a lot about sports, but -- [laughing] >> -- but i think -- a higher
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usage rate and lead the league with a 27 point -- and he has a cute ass. >> chris: perfect points for. that colton. >> think the washington generals will finally be the harlem globe trotters. >> chris: this is their year. >> their year. >> i feel it. chris: one time it will be like [beep] this, let's play ball. >> do it, no hands. [laughing] >> chris: lauren. >> ya, i think that drake's relationship with the mascot will finally be a civil aoub job. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: first up, "supreme cuts." an australian teenager has filed lawsuits against several publications thanks to this image. the lawsuit claims that ever since this photo's publication, the plaintiff has been relentlessly memed because of his luxuriant haircut that's all business in the front, party in
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the back, staten island garbage man on the top and medieval monk with leukemia on the sides. [cheers and applause] >> chris: leukemia monk. the lawsuit specifically mentions this one, showing someone trying to pin the mullet on the donkey. [laughing] [cheers and applause] but my favorite is this one, where he looks like he's about -- [ applause ] >> chris: -- to d.j. a dubstep rave at the alamo. one of the defending defendants fired back ... publications apparently released a statement firing back that "by reason of his mullet hairstyle the plaintiff has justifiably exposed himself to ridicule" and "the plaintiff is a ridiculous person."
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sustained. i'll allow it. either way, this landmark case could set a new legal precedent, which opens the floodgates for other memes to sue. so, comedians, who's another internet celebrity who might seek legal recourse and what are they suing for? nico. >> that -- suing for what those two awful girls did to hip. >> chris: yes, points. colton. >> the chocolate rain guy is suing the weather channel for classifying chocolate rain as climate change. >> chris: points. lauren. >> grumpy cat is suing for defamation. the cat is not grumpy she just has resting bitch face. >> chris: she does. [ applause ] >> chris: next up this is human snapchat filter, steven stingray. the stingray has a twitter account with over 23,000 followers. what does he give advice on: a, mustache grooming; b, blushing -- mustache growing. c, picking up women, aka
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mustache riding. nico. >> i say mustache growing. chris: you are pleasantly surprised to see the correct answer is c. >> i thought that would lighten the mood a little bit. give you my pick up line four, continue onto have a great monday, this pick up line i'm about to throw up at you. baby is there a mirror in your pants i can see myself in them. baby, let me be that mirror. >> chris: see ya. >> see ya. [ applause ] >> chris: wait a minute there are three other pick up lines of such quality? so basically channing tater here sets up the pick up line prepares you to hear sked pick up line, says it, over explains it and peaces out.
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pick up line coming, heaven must be missing an angel because i sure would like to [beep] you so long. [ applause ] >> chris: i won't bust this guy for being brave enough to talk to women, or at least being brave enough to talk to his cell phone in a parking lot. in fact, i'm a little jealous. i didn't have game at all. comedians, what are some other pick-up lines you might hear from the stingray? colton. >> someone better issue a amber alert, because i'm going to kidnap you. [cheers and applause] >> see ya, in my basement. [cheers and applause] >> chris: lauren. >> ladies, make no mistake this is not a sunburn. my cheeks are red because i eat [beep] all month long. [cheers and applause]
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>> bye bye. gets in there. >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. let's check in on the scoreboa scoreboard. let's check the scoreboards. tonight, we have three stars from "superstore," thursdays on nbc. lauren ash with 400 points. nico with 400 points. colton dunn with 40 400 points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: is there a loading dock at your super store i'm going to [beep] on your back. >> bye. >> see ya. chris: clean up on isle tits. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars" reddit is being whipped up into a frenzy today over this anti-police, anti-profanity graffiti that was spotted in canada: "darn the police."
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"darn the police"? you know what, canada? i'm getting really gosh dang sick of you honkin' around with popular rap lyrics from my home country, gadnabbit. so, go stick yer kiesters in a tub a' poutine and lick a loonie, you maple-swilling, universal healthcare-havin' leaf-huggers, soda-pop headed, back-bacon kerfuffle hosers! [cheers and applause] this got me thinking about more cordial ways to be hard, which is why tonight's hashtag is #nicerrap. >> chris: might be notorious h-u-g. or [beep] the police and fall ally in each others arms. >> chris: nico. >> dr. drake and medicine women. chris: colton. >> kanye's sweater vest.
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chris: lauren. >> my neck, my back, i'm looking forward to this massage. >> chris: nico. >> mundane posse. chris: lauren. >> i have hoho is in different area codes. >> chris: colton. >> nice cube. chris: lauren. >> lil wayne newton. chris: i picture it, love it. >> i have 99 problems and they're all manageable. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #nicerrap and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. at 11:30. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @captain 4b. well done!
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[cellphone ring] uh oh, should have put that phone on silent. luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can hide his guilt with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident. cherish your teeth.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. hey, i'll be in boston on my tour on friday november 4 at tour on friday november 4 at the wilbur theater for two shows, an early and a late show. go to www.id10t.com for tickets and information. hope to see you there. two shows that night. and now it's time to play "resu-mayhem." "resu-mayhem." in today's economy, it's tough to find a good job. sure, you can always make money on a webcam with your nasty little feet, but you didn't go -- see ya. but you didn't go to college so that old pervs could ask what your socks taste like. by the way, it's taco-flavored doritos. try to eat just one. try.
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but that's why making resume videos has become a trend, where desperate job seekers can show their stuff and also show off their dirty houses. so, comedians, i'm going to show you a video resume, and, for 250 points, i want you to answer a question about it. very easy. first up, this guy cruising to a new job. >> chase after your dreams. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you know the underlying message is you will never catch your dream. what is this man's dream? colton. >> to be regional manager of hooters tampa. >> chris: points. nico. >> he wants to see his kids every other weekend.
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>> chris: points. they're in the car he's chasing. bring back my kids, delores. and next this professional apparition. >> hello. chris: i hope that's not the whole resume. what does he say next? nobody owe. >> people tell me i'm virtually employable. [cheers and applause] >> chris: very good, nico. very well played, points. colton. >> i have been dead for 30 years. >> chris: points. >> chris: next, this bro-ployee of the month. [laughing]
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>> chris: this guy looks like he could be my dick older brother, chuck. what else does he enjoy doing? nico? >> locker room talk. [laughing] >> oh, ya. chris: points. lauren. >> well, he's also a licensed hype -- >> chris: points. finally this down and out guy from down under. >> how is it going. my name is -- ♪ >> well how do i -- [laughing] >> chris: okay. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: i have to say i legitimately love this video. i like nic. would i hire nic. what is nic's biggest strength, lauren? >> he helps this little lady in the shower where she becomes his golden girl. you know what i mean. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of "resu-mayhem." it's time for our live challenge, "monster.com." [cheers and applause] late october is prime season for haunted hayrides, where teens gather to finger in the dark. but what about the seasonal workers who bring these spook-taculars to life? cnn money put together a video profile of these scare artists >> chris: for some reason. take a look. >> my name is trevor. i'm alien at new york haunted hay ride. >> i'm joseph.
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this year i play crow in the theater of macrabe. [ applause ] >> that's hot. chris: i think he meant the theater of the macabe -- is that the john waters remake of "monster squad" what was that. as a monster give me your own description of your day job. we will be back with more after the break. (chuckle) ( ♪ ) come on, dad. ( ♪ ) ♪ they tell me i'm wrong ♪ ♪ to want to stand alongside my, my love ♪ ♪ whoa, talkin' 'bout my love ♪ ♪ talkin' 'bout my, my love ♪
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you ready, dad? ♪ whoa-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ i got my new iphone 7 from upgradesprint. s here. sprint? i'm hearing good things about the network. all the networks are great now. we're talking within a 1% difference in reliability of each other. and, sprint saves you 50% on most current national carrier rates. if you got 1% more haircut than me today, would you really pay twice as much? no i wouldn't. copy that! (vo) switch to sprint and get iphone 7. plus save 50% off most current national carrier rates. don't let a 1% difference cost you twice as much. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. whoooo! ♪ something new has arrived. ♪ uniquely designed for the driven. introducing the first-ever infiniti qx30 crossover. visit your local infiniti retailer today.
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infiniti. empower the drive. [cellphone ring] uh oh, should have put that phone on silent. luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can hide his guilt with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident. cherish your teeth. can i get anyone a beer? make it a redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. also for a limited time in ginger apple. we need to be ready for my name's scott strenfel and r i'm a meteorologist at pg&e. we make sure that our crews as well as our customers are prepared to how weather may impact their energy. so every single day we're monitoring the weather, and when storm events arise our forecast get crews out ahead of the storm to minimize any outages. during storm season we want our customers to be ready and stay safe. learn how you can be prepared at pge.com/beprepared.
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together, we're building a better california. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a video of hopbted house
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performers and asks you to be a monster and tell me about your day job. colton. >> i'm a wolf man. i'm pretty much a regular guy, single, looking. i'm a aless shoe store manager. i have the largest collection of original go bots. just transformers. (howling). >> chris: i don't like go bots. nico. >> well, i was just going to drive uber. then i became a vampire instead. it's exhausting. wake up, suck blood, turn into the bat. yes it's fabulous. there are certain days i don't want to get in the coffin. i just want to -- and kill. >> chris: very good. [cheers and applause] lauren. >> ya, for about eight years i was girlfriend of frankenstein. then he put a ring on it making me bride of frankenstein.
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i'm looking forward to being would i have of frankenstein if he would ever set a [beep] date. [ applause ] >> chris: a thousand points to lauren. 500 to nico and colton. to our next game. "the alt-swipe-right." "the alt-swipe-right." if you're one of the undecided voters still out there, first of all, do not forget to breathe. but second, tinder wants to help you choose who to vote for. and also send you some choice dick pics, but that's unrelated. mixed in with the usual d.t.f.s, users will now see issues that they can swipe left or right on so that tinder can pair them with the candidate who matches their views. their views.their views. it's pretty much exactly what the founding fathers intended for our democracy, just with slightly more gonorrhea. so, comedians, since tinder is now combining politics and pleasure, i'm going to show you some (/ bleep/ )-bois and humpgurls that you might see while swiping, and i want you to tell me what issue they would care most about. first.
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this. [laughing] >> chris: colton. >> don't forget about the balls. chris: points. very good. definitely not neglecting the balls. next one. nico. >> hooking up with joe biden. chris: points. i think that was freshly hooked up with joe biden. next one. lauren. >> ya, he wants to co sign a bill that has obamacare covering glass eyes. >> chris: points. >> ya. >> ya. >> ya! chris: he kind of looks like a fred character. just looks like a sketch. next one. colton. >> who has two thumbs and loves rim jobs. [laughing] [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: that's the end of "the alt-swipe-right." lauren you're in first place. nico and colton you're tied. i don't have the energy for a tie breaker. everyone is going to for the win. [cheers and applause] that means it's time to stay in vegas. it's "for the win!" donald trump we can closely say is wet cat food come to life-- cause he smells and lives to be in your pussy-- finally scored a newspaper endorsement from the "las vegas review-journal"! here it is here. it's most likely the work of the paper's owner, conservative activist and baby penis bolted to a rascal scooter, sheldon adleson. so, t-rump has the support of a city where in the same night you can legally buy a handjob, get drunk on a gallon of daquiri and watch a hot topic magician dry
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hump a seafood tower. [laughing] >> chris: you can see that in vegas. comedians, what's another headline you'd expect to see in the opinion page of las vegas's biggest newspaper? we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] [ 80's music ] can i get anyone a beer? make it a redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. also for a limited time in ginger apple.
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♪ ♪ give extra. get extra.
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what? is he gone?? finally, i thought he'd never leave... tv character: why are you texting my man at 2 a.m.? no... if you want someone to leave you alone, you pretend like you're sleeping. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. tv character: taking selfies in the kitchen does not make you a model. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores
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clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i told you that donald trump scored a highly coveted endorsement from a las vegas newspaper, and i asked you to give me another headline you'd see from the city of sin. let's see what you wrote. first one ... out of respect for women all trump hotel employees given free parking lot pap smears. this just in. [ applause ] number two ... disaster at cesar palace. celine dion concert. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or number three ... make vegas great again. bring back baby fighting. two babies enter. one baby leaves. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number three? colton dunn has won the
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internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be jenny zigrino, chris garcia and jordan morris. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #nicerrap and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. damn it! good night! ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

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