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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  October 28, 2016 2:00am-2:31am PDT

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is, i mean, you know, places obviously -- conservative places like fox news who've always seen rap music as the epitome of violence and hatred went at you specifically and said how can anyone support this man, how could anyone support someone who raps about these things. how do you reconcile that story? because, you know, you preach about a life of moving forward and improving yourself, then at the same time in some of the rap lyrics it's about gangsterism and shooting and drugs. >> you kill them with success and being great. you kill them with owning half of atlanta, you know. ( laughter ) and you sit down and talk to them, and i'm so much smarter than you, man, you just have no idea. >> trevor: you talk about politics. on your previous album, you said you spoke a little too much about politics and the fans backed away from that. >> right is that but you're not someone who's afraid to get involved, which doesn't seem
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like a normal place for a rapper to be. in this election you talked about trump and hillary. what do you have to say about that? >> i'm the voice of a lot of people that don't have a voice. i have a responsibility to express my opinion, our opinion, and i think sometimes you just got to let people know, man. we can't just go for anything. this guy talks reckless. how can you call a lady the devil on national tv and think that we want you to be our commander-in-chief? i just could gotten for that. ( applause ) >> trevor: "trap or die 3" as the name suggests, third installment, jeezy coming back. >> right. >> trevor: what is the one thing you want people to take away from this album? >> just so you know the story, i basically spent all my hard-earned money to make mixed tapes, and i gave those mixed tapes out to get my buzz and that's how i got a record deal and this is the first "trap or die." this is taking it back to the
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very essence of getting back to the grind and the gristle. front to back, the last title track is called "never settle." basically, if you want to be here and sit on this chair and state your opinion, never settle for what they give you. get up and give it all you got every day and never quit, and that's it. >> trevor: "trap or die" available midnight toofnlt jeezy, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ surprise!!!!! we heard you got a job as a developer! its official, i work for ge!! what? wow... yeah! okay... guys, i'll be writing a new language for machines so planes, trains, even hospitals can work better. oh! sorry, i was trying to put it away... got it on the cake. so you're going to work on a train? not on a train...on "trains"! you're not gonna develop stuff anymore?
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no i am... do you know what ge is? the mistay connected.elps us the microsoft cloud offers infinite scalability. the microsoft cloud helps our customers get up and running, anywhere in the planet. wherever there's a phone, you've got a bank, and we could never do that before. the cloud gave us a single platform to reach across our entire organization. it helps us communicate better. we use the microsoft cloud's advanced analytics tools to track down cybercriminals. this cloud helps transform business. this is the microsoft cloud. robert kearney: i fought for my country in kosovo and iraq, and i've been a republican all my life. but i'm the father of three girls. i can't stand hearing donald trump call women pigs, dogs, and bimbos...and i sure don't want my daughters hearing it. i want my girls to grow up proud and strong, in a nation where they're valued and respected. donald trump's america is not the country i fought for. so, i'm voting for hillary clinton. hillary clinton:
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i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. i'm jamie foxx for verizon, america's best network. and i'm jamie foxx for sprint-- man! here to tell you about our new unlimited plan. (buzzer) uh, you know what, that giant asterisk says otherwise, bro. yup, unlimited hd video-- (buzzer) and high quality music streaming. (buzzer) keep going... if you pay a little extra. (buzzer) and if you do what? a lot extra. there you go! i think this went well. (announcer vo) only verizon gives you the best value. get the quality network you want and all the data you need without all the surprise overages and restrictions. switch now and get 20 gigs and four lines for 160.
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all on america's best network. >> trevor: that's our show. thank you so much for tuning in. stay tuned for @midnight coming up next. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> lebron james, lebron james. lebron james. >> kick the soccer ball just right. get a puppy! >> today at the show -- aaahhh! aaahhh! ( cheers and applause ) >> welcome to "@midnight." when we announce the winner you are free to follow. i'm chris hardwick, it's been observed that the internet is a godless place why our morals are tramp eled with wildless
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pornography and illicit relationships between humans and dinosaurs, now there is official data to back up that. according to google trends memes are more popular than jesus. true. internet users officially searched for memes more than the big jc leading to a generation of kids that think grumpy cat died for their sins. that's what that looks like. that is not going to make himmo. i guess he is going to heaven so he can punch god in the face. comedians, what is a bible verse that could appeal to the internet? jordan morrissey. >> love is patient, love is kind, love can have cheeseburger. >> chris: point, beautiful.
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jenny. >> damn, jesus, you again with the resurrection. >> chris: points. chris. >> chris: jesus said this is fake and gay. some damn. >> chris: points. very well done. now it's time to start investing in canadian real estate, it's panderdome. (cheers and applause) first up, squad goals, you know it can be so hard for today's politicians to connect with millenials especially for machiavellian ma-maw hillary clintonk that is why they took to snapchat to post a video of her with lady palace long with the very millenial caption, this squad. (laughter) everyone, yes, indeed, my squad ron is on fleek.
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stay on target. okay. everyone, pick a color from the color wheel and let's make those tops happen. comedians what are this squad's goals. jenny. >> beating osteoporosis. >> chris: yes, points. chris gasser why. >> green lighting a fourth bridget joan's movie. >> it needs to happen. >> chris: george. >> what is this squad's goal to pound chardonnay, do tons of blow, and stay up to 4 a.m. with each other's periods. >> i am just going to say none of them have their periods. they're seniors. all right? figure out how a-- . >> chris: there ain't no eggs in that basket. next up, trump tube. hot turd with a rubber band
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around it donald trump, oh, yeah, he's piping hot. piping hot. right out of the butt oven. celebrity long before he decided to lose a national election. and fusion recently unearthed one of his unmade tv projects what is this forgot entv show, a cartoon of trump as a superhero or makeover show called trump eye for the poor guy. jordan? >> okay. trump eye sounds like something you get when you scratch your balls and then rub your face. and it's like i don't think it's that. >> chris: just kind of furrows a little bit. >> i had to stay home from school in second grade because hi trump eye. so i'm going to go with a cartoon about trump as a superhero. >> chris: let's find out. >> oh, there it is. it's super trump. the only superhero using x-ray vision to look at his own
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daughter. come on. kidding. it's a dumb joke. story line on may 2006 pitch including done all conquering washington d.c., stopping a global financial conspiracy and finding idiots who i am guessing in this version probably speak spanish. not my version, his version. this is the man you want to be mad at, sir, not me. >> sometimes the truth no es beuno. >> chris: yes, esverdad senor. >> it wag eup automatic quard when they asked him to share a cartoon with dora the explorer. >> chris: where is the racist? comedians, they never made supertrump but what adventures could cartoonry get into. jenny. >> the adventures of nasty gal and the fight for late-term abortion. >> chris: yeah, all right.
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chris gasser why. >> the stop john arbuckle from grabbing gar field's pussy. >> chris: points. jordan. >> first of all garfield calls his pussy his lasagna. >> chris: he does. and it's his favorite thing to eat. >> garfield can do that? >> i hate mondays but i love pussy. >> chris: that is the end of pander dome, let's check the cor boards with $600 points from bad santa two in theatser november 23, that is my birthday. jenny zigrino. and with $500, his new standup laughing and crying at the same time is available on itunes and vinyl, it's chris garcia.
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praws pause (applause) krns for $600 from the jordz an podcast live taping it now here this-- hear this festival in anaheim october 30th, jordan morrissey has returned. jordan morrissey. and now goodly citizens it is time for tonight's hashtag wars. the thing i hate about scary story is how they take six or more words. i mean i came here to be scared, not bored by all your talking. that's why tonight's hashtag is scaree stories in five words, examples might be flash light ran out of batteries or you meet beyonce and fart. i will put 60 seconds. begin. jenny. >> i want to palin 2020, you're welcome. >> chris: points. chris. >> supreme court justice rudolph geulianee. >> chris: points. jordan morrissey.
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>> really regretting this har ambe tattoo. >> chris: points. >> drug dealer got a real job. >> chris: points. >> mom started saying trill trillbitch. >> chris: points. >> boo, a madea halloween 2. >> chris: all right, points. jordan. >> blow job while nickelback plays. >> chris: chris. >> mom's pregnant, pitbull's the dad. >> chris: points. jenny. >> trapped on a vegan cruiseship. >> chris: points. jordan. >> my gynecologist is a jugaloo. [bleep] vaginas how do they work. >> chris: wash that out with faigo, it will be fine. jenny. >> peed in my face again jz
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points, jordan. >> dog with a blog. >> chris: end of the hashtag, send us your scary stories in five words and tag those "@midnight" to keep the game going. oh, "@midnight" [bleep] your mom. we'll be right back. congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played. [cellphone ring] uh oh, should have put that phone on silent. luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can hide his guilt with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident. cherish your teeth.
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halloween break! chance, chance the rapper! ♪ break me off a piece of that kit kat bar ♪ that's a good song. have a break, have a kit kat. (chuckle) ( ♪ ) come on, dad. ( ♪ ) ♪ they tell me i'm wrong ♪ ♪ to want to stand alongside my, my love ♪ ♪ whoa, talkin' 'bout my love ♪
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♪ talkin' 'bout my, my love ♪ you ready, dad? ♪ whoa-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ >> welcome back to "@midnight" program, i will northbound boston cheering with the id10 ten tour november 4th at the wilbur theater with mike furman go to for particulars and info.
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hope to see you there. right now it's time to play which please halloween is my favorite holiday, comes fast and furious f you don't have a great costume by now you're probably [bleep] but wait, there are a ton of crappy knockoffs and babbling nightmare garments that will have everyone at your party saying a-w, sorry things aren't going well. all right, i will show you a terrible costume for the internet and for 250 points you have to answer a question about it first up, if you love the classic movie beateljuice you will love juice demon, there is juice demon. there he is. he is a juice demon. comedians what are some of juice demon's magical powers. >> he can make tim burton cast a minority. >> all right, points. or johnny depp playing a minority.
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>> not close enough. >> chris: next up, everyone's favorite cape kru saider bat hero. >> bat hero. >> chris: what is bat hero origin story. >> his parents were murdered outside of a 99 krentd store. >> chris: yeah, points. jordan. >> first of all i loved him in bat hero v superfella. >> chris: yeah. >> his origin story, he was biten by a radioactive dip [bleep] >> chris: yeah, points. jenny. >> the story is that his parents never died and they are very loving and supportive. >> chris: that's nice, points. and he just dressed like that. >> he just does it for fun. >> chris: yeah, next up, all the gamers in the house are sure to recognize video game guy, huh? look at video game guy. and his brother video game guy comedians what happens to video
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game guy when he takes mushrooms? >> chris. >> he violates his probation. >> chris: all right, points. points. >> hey, look at me. it's me, a video game guy. jordan? >> he loses his [bleep] at burning man and gets run over by a penis shaped deun buggy. >> chris: a really cool penis shaped dune buggy. >> yea. >> chris: next up, nothing quids like more than dressing up as a living toilet, without doesn't love. comedians what is the tag line for this devastatingly tragic waiting to happen costume, jordan. >> having a hard time getting r kelley to answer the door?
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>> chris: trick or pee. points, chris garcia. >> like a good neighbor, [bleep] on my son. >> chris: yeah, yeah. jenny. >> this is where i was born. >> chris: points. not as much born, more like abandoned, but it's fine. >> i was left. on prom night. >> chris: on the prom toilet. oh, we're viel creatures. next up, hey guys, here is a fake butt. here you go. there is a fake butt for you, comedians what did the photographer say to get this model to get that cheeky look. >> you a big fat mama, why don't you back that ass up. >> chris: points, points.
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jordan. >> pretend you're asserting your dominance over the other ba-boon. >> chris: points. that is the end of witch please, time for our live chal en, you can wait, you can wait, don't tell me. -- ku waittness daily mail is reporting a woman reporting up to a k-uwaiti police station that her husband was cheating on her. the the parrot won't shut the [bleep] up about it, it has been scwawking details about the husband's alleged affair with the alleged maid, even though it is illegal, police told her that thr wasn't enough evidence to arrest 4-r78 because he could have picked up from other areas like the show i'm [bleep] the maid. so remember when everybody was
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getting that haircut. >> they loved it, yeah, yeah. >> chris: the ross and the rachelle right there. so come easyians over the break i want you to work on your best parrot voice and give me another incriminating statement you might hear from one of these airborne rainbow rats, we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight." (applause)
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(pained groans) just gonna need one big push. (groaning continues) you got one more. here we go. congrats! i hear you're having a baby. here we go. just breathe. here we go. you better start saving for college tuition. and you'll probably need a bigger house at some point. but new york life can help you manage your family's financial future. so you can relax, and enjoy life's special moments. like this moment. (guttural yelling) that's what being good at life is all about, right? (vo) be good at life. new york life.
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. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i told you about a woman who tried to get her husband arrested in kuwait for cheating because the parrot was scwawking naughty things and asked for another incriminating statement from a parrot. let's see, chris, let's start with you. >> i'm tu pack shacku r and i'm alive. i share an apartment with john bennett ramsey, scwawk. >> chris: that parrot has a very interesting story. >> has seen a lot of things. >> chris: jenny. >> initiating download sequence, presidential election. hello, i'm hillary clinton. >> chris: all right. very good.
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jordan morrissey. >> it's me, donald trump, now that i have said my own name it's time to tell this parrot some secrets. truthfully i-- toward women because thanks to a birth defect have i a sweet potatoe where my penis should be. >> chris: all right, i will give everyone $1,000. everyone $1,000. now this game is close so you have to be fast on the buzzer, time for you ketchup, you ketchup. say fun website starting to run out of ideas so it posted this helpful article about crazy ketchup facts. whoa. [bleep] no way. yes. ketchup that mysterious substance that makes it possible to eat at whataburger. did you know that 1500 years -- it is regional, you don't have
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it here. did you know 1500 years ago ketchup was originally a kind of fish paste? i didn't care about that either, but then americans consumed 78 million gallons of ketchup a year, holy [bleep], what? comedians, are you all fans of the connediment and also mental illness, so what are other even crazier facts about ketchup that will blow ketchup out of our [bleep] gourds, 60 seconds, begin. >> on ellis island ketchup changed its name from saucy tomorrow at owe steen. >> chris: points. >> fun fact about ketchup, it looks like real blood when you smash the bottle over someone's head krses points. jordan. >> you can use ketchup to jerkoff but don't. >> chris: all right, points. garcia. >> it is often used as fake blood, ketchup is actually 27% real blood. >> chris: points. jordan morrissey. >> if a restaurant promises a trio of dipping sauces an one of them is ketchup, are you legally allowed to kill everyone in the
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restaurant. >> chris: pointers. >> it's ranch, blue cheese, barbecue. >> chris: points. >> in restaurants slang ketchup is known as bitch salsa. >> chris: all right, points. jordan morrissey. >> it's what comes out when you puncture guy fieri. >> chris: points. jenny. >> sometimes ketchup just sits and cries. >> chris: points. that's the end of you ketchup. i see that jenny, are you in third place, we must eliminate you. do you have any-- do you have any last words for these mother [bleep] who should have been more supportive? >> you're all going to burn for this. >> chris: yes, she's right. but now we must show shower you in red light. red light. that means it's time to dozen off with your clothes off, it's for the win. netflix and chilling apparently
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isn't chill enough for some people so now when you are too wired to doaz off there is nap flix, it lets you choose from a wide assortedment of eye-closing videos like the apple farm. the 2013 world chess final which i would actually watch. truck simulator hungary map edition. ten hour timer. co58a slow life and my favorite swiss chalet's rotisserie. >> i have jerked off to all of those. >> all of those things. let's take a look together. >> spoiler alert, the chicken gets cooked. comedians, those shows look pretty amazingly boring but i think you can be really boring and bore the [bleep] out of us, come up with an episode of a show you


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