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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  October 31, 2016 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT

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- [dance music playing] ♪ ♪ ( mysterious music ) ♪ >> hi, america. it's me. president the donald. the last four years have been tremendous. some of the best years ever. our health, our trade, the borders.
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i've done a great job. everyone says so. so this elek day, vote for me, or else. in my fantastic second term -- ( white noise ) >> trevor: stay there, stay there! it's on, it's on! oh, yes, it's on! oh, okay, uh, where's the other one? oh -- oh -- oh -- hello? no, no. there. there we go. oh, yeah. look at that. my good side. oh, we're back. oh! oh, yes, it works! hey, it's me, trevor noah. i've come out of hiding to broadcast one more episode of "the daily show." i know i'm taking a risk. i'm risking my life and yours by broadcasting the show. with the election days away, it's a which isic worth take. it's like getting a chance with
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beyonce when you don't have condoms. you have to do it. so what, you have to do it. people, we can't let donald trump become president again. i don't understand how we let it happen the first time. things were looking good for hillary, other than the chowfntion, secrets, husband's past. other than that, going well. but then the e-mails, man! the (bleep) e-mails! the e-mails a week before the election! why is this thing not going? a week before the election, side tracked by the e-mails. then nothing new! 65,000 pictures of anthony weiner's dick picks. no wonder the national monument was changed to the wiener monument. one dick got the other elected! as far as i can tell, the only news is tnn. >> back after the break, more
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completely true news. >> this is tnn! >> trevor: what the (bleep) is this? the trump-ganda forces is shutting down the news sources. cnn is packing their stuff. the malaysian plane was in their supply closet all along. most people in the media got to stay in the country, at least. i'll never forget the day they took john oliver away. >> which is all fine until you realize egg safety standards actually vary so widely from state to state that there is a -- no, no, no. guys, guys. please, let me finish the bit. let me complete the egg bit, guys! now? it has to be now? no, the point is unless congress takes action, your brunch could not only become more of a teaming sea of bacteria, but, no, no! not the graphic!
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>> trevor: i'm going to miss you grownup harry potter face. they would have taken me as well. i escaped because i snuck into steve harvey's house and stole his mustache and the police couldn't tell the difference between us. i'm so sorry, mrs. harvey, but i'll never be sorry for those nights we shared. so they say is true love. ( phone vibrating ) oh, man. roy? roy, is that you? >> hey, africa, i got your black signal. what's going on? >> trevor: oh, my god! roy! so good to see you, man! it's been years! look, everyone, it's roy wood, jr.! >> what are you doing? >> trevor: i'm making the show. >> making the show? >> trevor: yeah, i snuck back into the studio. >> are you getting paid for this? >> trevor: what? >> are you cutting me out? >> trevor: no, roy.
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listen, where are you? >> in the inner city. >> trevor: which inner city, roy? >> doesn't matter. black people live here, so, according to trump, it's tinner city. >> trevor: oh marntion, that's pretty messed up. how bad is it for you out there? >> actually, not that bad. no crime, they got rid of the police. they made black people with automated stoppen frisk arms. arms pop out every 90 seeds and pat you down. more convenient for everybody. there it goes. let it do its thing. >> what do we have here. >> that's the 20th time today you tried to bust me for my antacid. get out! >> stop it. >> it's not efficient. >> shots fired. shots fired. >> i got to call my lawyer. >> trevor: roy! roy! stay safe, roy. we can't live like, this people. you understand this may be the
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last election where we can change things. all the people we thought would run against trump, look what's happened to them. >> just a week until election day 2020 and still no one has come forward to run against the great president trump. hillary clinton, of course is, serving out her sentence in super guantanamo along with former vice president mike pence. meanwhile, ted cruz continues to teach inner city kindergarteners saying politics got too dirty for me. >> joapped snuck above the elon rocketship that took the obamas to mars. >> trevor: president obama escaped with his family to mars. right now michele is teaching little fat aliens to get in shape. bill clinton didn't go with them because he decided to go to venus because that's where women come from. that's a joke. men are from -- man, i miss having an audience. even if the candidate you like isn't in this election, doesn't mean you shouldn't vote. vote for anyone!
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you can even vote for, photo for the woman of the woods, elizabeth warren. i know her policies might raise tax bus at least she has a plan! we can't survive four more years of trump. this is the same guy who repealed obamacare on day bun, said he would replace it with something better. yeah. then it turned out to be this, an energy drink. this is what he replaced it with. something much better. literally, that's what it was. the guy's a complete more ron. he dropped the bomb on iceland because he insisted that i.s.i.s. comes from iceland. huh? in a few short years trump has turned against europe, alienated asia. told africa to go back to africa, sued south america for copy right infringement and banned from antarctica for grab ago penguin. how do you grab a penguin's
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pussy? only trump with get kicked out of the u.n. look, at this bbc report, they got smuggled into the country. >> four years into the trump regime, construction is still underway on the war. although trump promised a grand structure, so far it just stands four feet tall. still workers remain optimistic. >> things are going great. >> the wall's coming along, mexico's paying for it. well, mr. trump sent them an invoice. same thing. finally someone's in the white house who understands the concerns of white men like me. >> despite trump's promise of a great america, not everything turned out as he hoped even as his staunches supporters are aware. >> if i had to nitpick anything, it would be the total economic collapse. didn't realize white men would be subject to that sort of thing. and who knew supporting the immigrants would mean we would have to build the wall ourselves.
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>> with the 2020 presidential election quickly approaching, the discontent reached a fever pitch. >> things definitely need to change. that's why i'm voting for trump. not a politician, tells it like it is. will make america great again -- again. >> trevor: poor jordan, i hope he's doing well. i'm so hungry all the time ( stomach growling ) good thing i have some of this money. you know, the dollar might be worth it but it tastes so good. tastes like a strip club. >> hey, drefer! >> trevor: ronny, is that you? >> what's up, trev? >> trevor: thank god you got the signal. where are you, man? >> i have been in china. as soon as trump won, i got on a plane and got out of here. i'm not dumb. you stayed in america this whole time? >> trevor: yeah, i did. >> you idiot. oh, man, things are great in china. we're all super rich thanks to
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trump's dumbass trade policies. the trade deal? >> trevor: so much better than nafta act of 2017. >> that was great for china. >> trevor: what are you going in the u.s. >> at trump's white house hotel and casino representing china. i'm here for america's annual yard sale since america went bankrupt. the lincoln my moral, smithsonian, tom hanks, checked out the liberty bell. there is a huge crack on it. i'm not buying a broken-ass bell. >> trevor: i think that's how it's supposed to be. ronny, there is billions of chinese people, why did they send you? >> because i speak english with a perfect american accent. >> trevor: i don't think you have a perfect american accent. >> that's what i told them. you look like (bleep). you should get a job. got to go. >> trevor: ronny, i wanted to ask you one more -- people, we can't let trump win again. i know people weren't happy with the establishment, don't get me
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wrong, but this? have you heard the new national anthem? ♪ and his shoulders so wide ♪ and there's no problem downstairs ♪ ♪ oh that i can tell you >> trevor: that (bleep) goes on for 20 minutes! look! we've seen what four years of donald trump can do to a country, people, all because some were disillusioned and gave up hope, but if you won't listen to me, at least listen to my good friend steve harvey, because no matter what you think, your vote matters! we all know what's at risk, people! ( thunder ) >> trevor: damn indoor hurricanes.
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we should have taken change and everything seriously. with the election coming up, you -- what does that light mean? go to commercial? go to commercial? how do we still have ads?
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little miss muffet sat on eating her curds and whey. along came a burglar who broke into her home and ransacked the place making off with several valuable tuffets. fortunately geico had recently helped her with homeowners insurance. she got full replacement on her tuffets. the burglar was later captured when he was spotted with whey on his face. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance. officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. woo hoo! over you to you tom! things have gone totally around the bend. has the world gone completely bold? new doritos mix. four snacks in one. the mistay connected.elps us the microsoft cloud offers infinite scalability. the microsoft cloud helps our customers get up and running, anywhere in the planet. wherever there's a phone,
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and four lines for 160. all on america's best network. >> trevor: come on, man! oh, we're back! , no change. oh, there. hey, we're back. i have been watching some of the tv that's on now and you know what's worse than not being on the air? being on the air all the time. because trump loves twitter he forced chris hardwick to be on 24 hours a day. look at. >> this so comedians, what are other things that are amazing about the great and powerful president trump whom we all adore? april? >> he respects women like you can't even believe. ( sigh ) >> points. >> trevor: that poor man. that poor (bleep) oh, almost forgot. while i was searching for a cockroach to brush my teeth, i came across with a drive with a handwritten note says "play me."
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must be important because nobody writes anymore. hold on. plug this in. oh. i hope this works. >> uh, this is debb desi lydic. it's february 4th, 2020. this is my video diary. i am on the run because people like me who believe in facts have been labeled enemies of the state. stephen colbert is living in a cave a mile from here and even in this world he's gone viral. what i mean is his skin is being eaten alive by some kind of virus. he's dying. under president trump, every woman has to wear an arm band and gets a rating between one and ten. i am a seven. i was almost an eight, but they said i was overweight. so as a seven, i can't drive a car, but i can ride a bicycle and eat in public without having my food taken away by the fat
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shaming commission, which ironically is a bunch of fat white men. >> if the white house thinks their restricted misogynist garbage will keep me from doing what i do, they got another thing comin'! back to you, trevor! desi lydic, everybody! i'm trevor noah! i thought my accent would save me! but nope! look at my adorable rat dimples! ( laughter ) you can't stop me! oh... july 13, 2020. i don't feel good. i'm not really sure why. i haven't come in contact with anyone except for the rat i sleep under a tarp with. october 21, my sickness has passed. i do think i've lost some
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weight. yep, i'm not officially an 8. that means i can vote. i can have dessert -- on saturdays -- and i can speak freely around men if i raise my hand. right, trevor? trevor? trevor? trevor? oh, no! oh, no! trevor! i miss my old life! i had a house and a job! i wasn't wearing kanye jedi clothes. i just realize i'm losing my mind! no -- no, i'm fine. (crying) >> trevor: desi!
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why, trump?! why? what do you mean ad break? who is taking us to ad break? it's a private broadcast! i don't want your doritos. okay, i want your doritos. we'll be right back. >> bullying... in trump's america, it's a real problem because not enough people are doing it. so do your part. not the science book -- knock a science book out of a nerd's hand or give a wedgie to a muslim kid and, remember, they can't fight back because bullying a bully is illegal. and what kind of a monster would do that? twenty-one years ago we created blue moon.
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that's 7,671 moon rises, 48 eclipses and a refreshing taste that's always stayed the same. creatively inspired. artfully brewed. blue moon. prge! a manufacturer. well that's why i dug this out for you. it's your grandpappy's hammer and he would have wanted you to have it. it meant a lot to him... yes, ge makes powerful machines. but i'll be writing the code
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that will allow those machines to share information with each other. i'll be changing the way the world works. (interrupting) you can't pick it up, can you? go ahead. he can't lift the hammer. it's okay though! you're going to change the world.
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>> trevor: (bleep). oh! you're still there! thank you for sticking with us. that means you know how important this broadcast is. or you haven't figured out how to change to bravo to watch "the real ex-housewives of donald trump." >> how dare you wake me! >> trevor: jeff, is that you? >> yeah. >> trevor: what are you doing here, man? >> i sleep here. what are you doing here? >> trevor: this is my old studio, jeff. this is so crazy, jeff ross! sit down, man! good to see you! sit on the chair, jeff. sit on the chair. come on, jeff! jeff ross! i can't believe it! the roast master general is you! >> what the he'll, man! >> trevor: what happened to you? you were working for trump. >> i had a great life as roast master general. trump got elected and bumped me up to secretary of offense.
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i was writing insults for his twitter account and he fired me, said i wasn't mean enough. >> trevor: oh, man... >> what are you doing here? you're black! are you crazy? it's dangerous! >> trevor: i know, i should have left the country while i had a chance. i don't understand why you look so bad. what did you do? i thought as a white comedian you would have a good time with no black comedians out there. >> comedy is illegal. you have to go underground. can't write jokes. though i'm writing one -- do you know why white people drive like this and black people don't exist? >> trevor: yeah, that's tough, man. you have a black person to -- wow. >> this is crazy, trevor. times are tough. i don't know what you're doing, but i'm going to a roast later, if you want to come. >> trevor: a roast? >> a raccoon over an open fire pit. >> trevor: oh, man, i don't know where you have been living, i have been underground planning this pirate broadcast, but you
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look like you have been living a worst life, man. >> the worst thing about living underground is there is so much disease. though on the bright side, the rats i (bleep) don't make me wear a condom. >> trevor: jeff, you know you don't have to have sex with rats, right? >> help! help me! i want to die! trevor! please, give me your aids! >> trevor: what? i don't have aids, jeff. >> all black people have aids now, trevor. get it checked out. >> trevor: that's a rumor the trump administration spreads. >> it's terrible out there, terrible! >> trevor: you have been living a tough life, my friend. >> i still do comedy. kevin hart was at comedy central yesterday. >> trevor: he's still around? >> he killed a human and we ate the guy. should have been there. >> trevor: i'm glad i wasn't. >> comedy is over, wasting your time. >> trevor: the people need to go vote! >> for what? >> trevor: food!
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>> we're all dying, trevor! >> trevor: that's why we have to vote. >> trump let all the refugees in but only the hot once. read his new boo book? mine come offis bigger than yours? >> trevor: jeff, look at me. >> i'm so hungry i just want to (bleep) eat your face! >> trevor: we'll be right back! >> i want to eat your twenty-one years ago we created blue moon. that's 7,671 moon rises, 48 eclipses and a refreshing taste that's always stayed the same. creatively inspired. artfully brewed. blue moon.
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i'm jamie foxx for verizon, america's best network. and i'm jamie foxx for t-mobile. you are not jamie foxx. t-mobile's got unlimited data. really? unlimited high speed data?
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no, but... unlimited hd video? if you pay extra for it. that sounds pretty limited. (announcer vo) only verizon gives you the best value. get the quality network you want and all the data you need without all the surprise overages and restrictions. switch now and get 20 gigs and four lines for 160. all on america's best network. (baby♪ aughs)
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( alarm sounding ) >> hey, harvey, we know you're in there. come out with your hands up! >> trevor: i've got to go. please, people, get out and vote! now here it is... your moment of zen. >> president trump will open up his grand canyon golf course to all born here in the united states. >> any truth to the claim you're a muslim with white face makeup? >> no, i'm chad smith. i was born in connecticut. my family is americanum.

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