tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central November 3, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT
>> chris: it is 29 minutes before midnight and we announce a winner, i'm chris hardwick. we are days away from the the 2016 election and the country hasn't been this divided since way back a few weeks ago when we were fight being that picture of the dog wearing pantsuits different ways. i don't know. i don't know what the the right answer is! they both seem plausible. but if there is one thing that can bring us together, it's starbucks. ah, star buck, their new cup feature feature as i mosaic of over 100 diverse people, mnt to be a symbol of unity and it works because everyone loves it, oh wait they dopt because [bleep] the internet. now that beloved diversity is
blown up in our faces. so the lists at starbucks have begun shilling for unity lol comma comma comma, how typical. what does that even mean? how do you shil for unity t is not a corporation, it's a concept. how does this anger you. take your meds, philip, take them. do you not have i single real problemment i don't drink coke because the can is communist re, don't get me started on twizzlers, that candy aisle is rigged, it's rigged. people are using the cup as an excuse to be angry much like i'm using it to be sar cass particular. comedian, manufacture outrage about the new starbucks cup. >> the cup doesn't really represent actual starbucks customers wrrk do people that are masturbating in the bathroom. >> chris: points, yeah. >> well, bap in a frap, that should be their new-- that should be their new motto.
company tag line. brian. >> my coffee bean aryan nation travel mug holds way more coffee. >> chris: points. jim. >> just use the regular starbucks cup but put dunkin' donuts coffee in this. >> chris: that's the way to do. points for jim jeff yeast. now let's meet our panel performing at magooby'ss tiffany haddish. (applause) and from people of earth mondays on tbs and mr. neighbor's house coming in december to adult swim brian huskey. and performing at the warfield theetder in san francisco november 12th jim jefferies returning. (applause) now it's time to get rigged or die trying. it's pander dome.
(applause) in a week we won't be doing this any more because the election will already have happened and everyone will eat each other's faces in the streets. first up, polls smoking. with the election just five days away the polls are tightening between golden girls reboot hillary clinton and dress salad donald trump. the poll steres said trump was finished after he bragged about finger blasting complete strangers but new polls show the race is a dead heat. this is why america can't have nice things. so comedians, this campaign is take sog many unexpected turns. i don't know what the [bleep] is going on any more. what is up, what is down, what am i like, what am i not like. don't even know who mi at this point. but what is the final twist to upend this crazy race, brian. >> on election eve tmz releases a video of donald and hillary
hooking up in a stal at the vieper room. >> chris: points. that would be amazing. 2016 really has been one for the ages. it makes you wonder why this has been the most chaotic election of our lifetime. it's almost as if there is a supernatural force at work. some kind of-- oh (cheers and applause) he's over there. >> damnation, bones, i told you i wanted -9d lighting effect stage right, stage right, goddam it, ruined my entrance, now i a look like an ass hole. >> chris: ladies and general, greg is the gentleman. >> i go i my name. sat an, lose fer, beelzebub, the nemesis, lord of the flies, little warm butt spietiony butt, doug. >> chris: rrt, doug.
so doug devil spicey boy, what do the latest campaign developments? >> well, i'm just glad i could play a part in the greatex election in history. it's been so much fun. i thought the papal conclave of 2068 was contentious, but this, ooh la la. >> chris: so you are admitting that you are responsible for the trump nomination. >> oh [bleep] no, i wish. never saw it coming, bro. i assumed the gop would nominate gold fish like jeb bush or marco rube yovment i normally don't even contort with republicans because of their jesus bull [bleep] but then they all went trump and he's all war and guns and death penalty and racism. i am just the dul moral center. plus he loves to kus and eat fast food. and-- on eastern war bloc brides. and, and-- (applause) my hometown paper lovings him.
>> chris: oh yeah, that's right. that was the-- there it is. >> the kkk crusader or as readers call it the cru sider. >> chris: sat and you are a very powerful being. >> i work for km de central. >> chris: you are on basic cable so i know you have a lot of places to be. you saw the polls, can you tell us which way it's going to go next week. we have no idea. >> really? what am i, nate silver. i don't know, chris, mr. hard sauce, but i-- i win either way. i mean trump's [bleep] crazy and hillary a warmonger and her only plans for the economy is in snapchat memes and piss off half the country by being a come woman. the two party system, whoever winnings i win. if you weren't limited to these can the das, who would you pick for president. jim jefferies. >> billy bush because-- he is out of a job and he looks good
on telly. >> chris: points. brian. >> my good buddy butter forts haas how often would it be to have everybody say president butterfart. >> chris: yeah, that would be great. >> you know, devil, the election made us feel like we're going to crazy t is comforting to learn that you had a hand in these things, it justifies all of it. >> i am an agent of chaos this psych will. here is me with trump on his shoulder telling him to say nasty woman. and here is me distracting major brain gary jn son while he's trying to remember just what the [bleep] aleppo is. >> chris: all right, i see t i see it now. and here i am taking the form of a subbing you bus to ruin a marriage between brad pit and angelina. by the way, that wasn't politically motivated. i just wanted to get with brad.
>> chris: got it. he is a staggeringly beautiful human being. >> oh, you should see him from below. >> chris: all right, let's move on. the mask, in sainer times known as the presidential election immediately prior to this unw the republican nominee was a bland kaw kaition male named mitt romney whose only negatives were being boring and insulting 47% of the country on tape. >> miten, i told him to go hard. >> chris: well, for halloween satan as you may know, mitt pecked an unusual kows actual. what did governor romney dress up as was it a, bill clinton. b, pregnant wario. c, mitt romney. jim. >> mitt romney. >> chris: that is the correct answer. there he is. as himself. are you all right? >> my eyes! >> chris: are you all right? >> i just baferred up an embryonic lamb. i wasn't ready for that much white i teud.
they look like they're having a plain yogurt festival. >> chris: yeah, very white, there he is with his family wearing a mask of his face, the same one he makes his wife wear whenever they have,with the lights on. that is the end of panderdome. thank you so much for join us, devil. any plans after election day. >> i will dive into the oscars, this year god dam it i'm getting su side sawed nominated for best picture. >> chris: that's incredible. great. that-- thank you so much, good devil. and i want to thank you for my career. the devil, earn, here he is. there he goes. plawtion (applause) i owe him so much. a show that talks about another show, after that show? how the-- would that work with that sat an, we'll be back with more "@midnight." more "@midnight." see you soob.
(let's get one thing straight.. i'd never tell you to drink sprite. even if i was in a commercial for sprite, which i am. i wouldn't tell you to drink it. no matter what that cue card says. bron, man, say it. no. even if you'd just eaten tacos, with extra hot sauce, and you were holding an extra cold sprite and for some reason, you were waiting for me to tell you to drink it... i still wouldn't tell you to drink that thirst-quenching sprite. i'd ask you... do you wanna sprite? ♪ - ahhhhh!
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to@mid night. i will be in boston on my tour this friday november 4th at the wilbur with two shows with my buddy mike phirman, go to idt for tickets, right now it's time to play the hashtag wars. since the beginning of the internet people have been using it [bleep] from the earliest geo city pages to modern dating apps users are using the latest technology to get extra spank on their stank spankies, attention bans are getting shorter so bae
won't sit still. so we're going to fling some woo with the states. topt's hashtag is five word is he duction. examples might be my mom's at book club or i bought cunni lingus for dumb dummies. >> veggie batter me now. >> i can ejaculate in stereo. >> chris: all right, points. jim. >> grab him by the pussy. >> chris: points. >> my mom thinks i'm sexy. >> chris: all right, points. tiffany. >> lunchables and video imgas. >> chris: all right, points. >> oh hi, chris hardwick's mum. i had to put the o at the front. >> chris: i would love to have you as my mom's boyfriend, that would be fun. jim. >> oh hi chris hardwick's sister. can i do this all day. >> chris: points tiffany.
>> this is a mating call. aaarrrr, aaarrraaarrrr. >> that's not five words. >> the last word is like one word, techically. >> chris: brian. >> [bleep] taught me to bleerp bleep. >> chris: all right, points. >> netflix and chill and fist. >> chris: all right, points. i don't think the word chill and fist are anywhere near each other on any spectrum but i will give you points. >> you got to relax into it. >> :that is the imed of the hashtag wars. send us your hashtag five word is he duction and tag those odd
mit night to gem the game over. right now its time for our live challenge, down under the influence. australia's love alcohol, don't they. >> love it. >> it's the best, this accent work is spot on. >> i feel like i am at inn a different time zone just talking to you. >> chris: it turns out when your country 160 percent desert and 40% poison spiders you need to drink to stay sean. plus when you get drunk in australia the room spins counter clockwise, everybody knows that. but nowhere is there soginess position more on display than the annual melbourne cup, australia premier garbage can race. >> who said my pussy garbi678. >> chris: points for that. finally, the perfect way to imain fancy hats and trash. look at this photo of this
litter buggery. look at that. >> oh yeah, i'm getting in your down under. >> chris: yes. so comedians, please give me an announcement that you might hear over the pa at the deboched melbourne cup. we'll get your answers after the break. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played. road less traveled.
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>> chris: you really said crikey. >> i haven't said a natural crikey in about a decade. >> chris: thats with a natural crikey. >> that was the most authentic crikey i've ever heard. (applause). >> chris: do you want to go-- let's get your post crikey answer. >> con grapts australia, you just made kentucky look good. >> chris: all right. brian. >> fantastic, you think you got-- my enemy, you're not my enemy-- [bleep] >> chris: tiffany. >> would the owner of the toyota land cruiser parked on top of the other toyota land cruiser please report to the parking lot. it looks like they're trying to make a prius. >> chris: all right, very good.
i got to give a thousand points to tiffany, 500 to jim but i will give him 500 bonus points for the crikey which was amazing. and then i will give brian 500. right now it's time for my friend wants to know. my friend wants to know. the subreddit r my friend wants to know is a place anyone can go to ask questions for their quote unquote friends an definitely not them. just regular questions anyone would ask for a pal like my friend wants to know why his butt hole won't stop bleeding. nothing embarrassing here at all, happens to our friends all the time. you got to relax into it, that is why you prevent that. just helping out his friend, who is definitely real and doesn't know how to whip. i think we should help these generous souls out. i will show you questions from my friend wants to know subreddit and answer them. first up my friend wants to know how to bring edibles on a domestic flight. brian. >> i'm a traditionalist, just
put them in your condom and shove them up aurases. >> chris: points. >> it's easy, you suck off a tas worker and then you can him and then worst kaises scenario you get to suck his [bleep] >> chris: yeah, points. next, my friend wants to know how can he get his really mate to take a shower. tiffany. >> well, when my roommate i tell him straight up, you either wash your ass or you sleep on the porch. >> chris: that's fair. next one my friend wants to know if anyone has ever [bleep] themselves out of poor anger. >> yes! okay! jesus-- oh. >> chris: points. next my friend wants to know how to masturbate, jim. >> find a nice quiet spot in chuck e cheese. >> chris: all right, points.
jim, hang on, it's called the ball pit. next one, my friend wants to know how to get out of child support, jim. >> suicide. >> chris: all right. next, my friend wants to know how do disappear without a trace, brian. >> ask criss angel. >> chris: all right, points. next up, my friend wants to know how to shrink his penis. >> cut off that penis and put it in the dryer. >> chris: all right, points. on high heat, yeah. finally my friend wants to know if superman could saw the earth in lev by flying at max speed and dragsing his erect dik on the grounds, jim? >> yes. >> chris: all right, points. yeah, i don't think there was any question about that one. that is the end of my friend wants to know. brian husky are you in third place and we have to eliminate you, i'm so sorry. >> i just want to say, like the upcoming elections this was rigged! >> chris: yeah. it was.
well, now we have to put a red light on brian huskey, there he is. he has been eliminated, forget him, erase him from your mind that means it's time to join hands, it's for the win. for years the butterball turkey hotline has been the number to call for all of your help, for all of your thanksgiving entree needs. the problem is modern millenials would rather-- fore sake beyonce than talk on a phone what are they supposed to do when they need assistance with their clothing optional poly a morous pumpkin spice autumn orgy. well, good news-- good news. the butterball hotline now accepts text messages. oh, what a relief. comedians, what is a text message you might get if you were working the butterball turkey text line. well have our comedian's answers and name a winner when we come
i will wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answer as loud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break-- i'm glad you appreciate this process. before the break i showed you the butterball hotline finally accept text messages and asked you to come up with a text they might get. let's see what you wrote. first one, this is a zodiac killer speaking, my next victim will not die quickly also if i don't have fresh kran beries are canned ones okay. or number two. how do i separate the white meat and dark meat, donald trump. number two, tiffany haddish has won the internet. congratulations. are you the funniest person for the next-- actually for the whl weekend. see you monday, our guests will be jonathan fernandez, alice wetterlund and jordan rock. keep the game going. hashtag five word is he duction.
be nice to each other god dam it, see you in boss be to tomorrow night. blaws blaws - "this is not happening" is rated tv-ma. it is intended only for mature audiences. viewer discretion is advised. tonight's topic is blunder. [percussive music] ♪ - [screaming] [dark electronic music] ♪ [crashing] [all screaming] ♪ [screaming] ♪