tv The Daily Show Comedy Central November 8, 2016 3:05am-3:36am PST
lf. - donald, with your daughter? - well, i was going to say sex, but i can't relate that to her. - [as trump] well, i was gonna say sex, but i couldn't say that to her. unless she's cool with it. [laughter] you're not cool--okay, cool. then just golf. golf and sex? would that be weird? no, okay. just golf. just golf. whatever. this weekend i feel like we got a glimpse of what america might be like under a trump presidency, and it was scary. - on friday night, pure chaos after trump cancelled his appearance in chicago. - police physically separating trump's protestors from his supporters. - they are not picking and choosing who is there. it is open to the public. - there were some bernie sanders supports who held up bernie signs. - protestors and supporters going back and forth so much. the situation became so escalated that there was the potential for danger. - when i first started "the daily show," a lot of people asked me the same question. they'd be like, "hey, are you ready, trevor? "are you ready for american politics? "are you ready for this election?
'the daily show's' a big-- are you ready?" but now seeing all of this [bleep] happen, i think i should've asked if you were ready. yeah, because i'm from a third-world country. it looks like you're headed to one. [laughter] thanks for watching the trip down bad memory lane. join us tomorrow in cleveland for the full coverage of the rnc, and we-- [siren blares] oh. oh, man. uh... oh, gee whiz. think, think, think. you know what? i'll just tell the cops i'm ben carson. yeah, that's why i'm here. [as carson] now here it is, your moment of... zen. - i'm tell you, women do like me. - thank you, god, for sending us donald j. trump to be our next president of the united states of america! [dramatic music]
tmale announcer: tonight, from our democalypse 2016 vote,! we look back at the democratic presidential primaries in our special: what to expect when you're expectant. - welcome to "the daily show." we all had fun at the republican convention, and now it's off to philly for the dnc. but first, let's look back at how the democrats got here, and who better to help us than the woman herself, hillary clinton, who's stuck in traffic at the moment, but will totally be here. so let's just get started without her. but she's totally coming. so the stage has been set. it's clinton up against sanders, and cnn is ready. [dramatic music] ♪ whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no. go back, go back, go back on that. yeah, cnn, what was that? it was like a face and then a face, and then it was just like meh, meh, meh. you guys are heartless, cnn. any one of these people could be the next president, and you list them like the legally required terms
and conditions of a used car ad? clinton! sanders! tomorrow on cnn. please note, unfortunately, martin o'malley will be joining the proceedings. certain viewers may be exposed to jim webb, and there's nothing we can do about lincoln chafee. - governor chafee, you've attacked secretary clinton for being too close to wall street banks. in 1999, you voted for the very bill that made banks bigger. - the glass-steagall was my very first vote. i just arrived. my dad had died in office. i was appointed to the office. it was my very first vote. - are you saying you didn't know what you were voting for? - i think you're being a little rough. i just arrived at the united states senate. - [stutters] i just dropped my ice cream cone. after only one lick, i-- [laughter] every single person had a chance to lay out their case. we heard from everyone who was-- oh, wait, no, no, jim webb. - unless somebody mentions my name, i can't get into the discussion. i would say this. i've been waiting for ten minutes. - well, first of all... - can i get in this discussion? this hasn't been equal-- equal time. - all right, senator webb, you want some more time, and you get it. you get the final answer. which enemy are you most proud of?
- i'd have to say the enemy soldier that threw the grenade that wounded me, but he's not around right now to talk to. - all right, time for closing-- [audience groaning, laughing] - holy [bleep]. jim webb will literally kill you. and then smile. and then it was time for one final question. - so which enemy are you most proud of? - i guess the coal lobby. tried to bring them to the table so that we could address carbon dioxide. i'm proud to be at odds with the coal lobby. - governor o'malley? - the national rifle association. [cheers and applause] - the national rifle assoc-- o'malley just buried-- he just buried chafee gone. did you see him? poor chafee was on the side like, "no, wait. can i change my answer to what he said?" now, at center stage, of course, was form secretary of state hillary clinton. - secretary clinton, how would you not be a third term of president obama?
- well, i think that's pretty obvious. i think being the first woman president would be quite a change from the presidents we've had up until this point including president obama. - so the only thing separating you and president obama is the fact that you have different parts? what are you, mr. and mrs. potatohead? the debate was also an opportunity for the clinton main challenger, bernie sanders, to come out, and he could've attacked hillary on a host of issues including the keystone pipeline, the transpacific trade policy, her ties to wall street, and of course, her emails. hillary clinton: feel the bern. - let me say something that may not be great politics. but i think the secretary is right. and that is that the american people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails. - thank you. me too, me too. - and if i hear one more person say "emails,"
so help me, i'm gonna kick them in the dick. emails this, emails that. i remember when people used to talk to each other loudly. - the first national poll since cnn's record-breaking democratic debate is out and shows that hillary clinton was the clear winner. - you gave chafee an asterisk? [laughter] cnn is heartless. you couldn't give the man a zero? at least a zero, i mean, a zero means you got nothing. it doesn't even look like a percent. look at that. what is that? it looks like they've censored a cuss word or something. it's like webb got one percent, and then chafee got [bleep] all. that's what it looks like. [laughter] it seems 2016 is when long shots just might pay off. - bernie sanders is within striking distance of hillary clinton in both iowa and new hampshire. - sanders also outperforming clinton in hypothetical matchups against the republicans.
- ah, yes. a surging sanders. something tells me you don't want to search that on urban dictionary. you know, a surging sanders, it's when you come out of nowhere. oh. hey, what's up? you--you just missed hillary. i feel so bad for you. she's here, and now she's not. anyway, she had to step out and take a call, which actually reminds me of last november. remember when sanders was on a surprise roll and hillary had to step away from her campaign for her third benghazi hearing? - right now-- - the only one you've asked for is sidney blumenthal. that's the only one you've asked for. you need to make sure the entire record is correct. - and that's exactly what i want to do. - well, then go ahead. - i'm about to tell you. [laughter] - so clear. so concise. it all makes sense now. and throughout the day, hillary was right in the thick of it. but while hillary clinton had to endure repetitive questions and endless bickering, it wasn't a total waste of her time. - madam secretary, you are welcome to answer the question, if you would like to.
- well... i wrote a whole chapter about this in my book "hard choices." i'd be glad to send it to you, congressman. all: oh! [cheers and applause] - that--that is gangster. hillary's promoting her book in the middle of a hearing that could end her political career. "hard choices," now available in paperback. we have to talk about last night. the iowa caucus. bernie sanders won! [cheers and applause] yeah. but not as much as hillary clinton. - so as i stand here tonight, breathing a big sigh of relief, thank you, iowa. - what iowa has begun tonight is a political revolution. [cheers and applause]
whoo! - watch out, people. party bernie is on the loose. so it was technically tied. but in the end, hillary was narrowly awarded the win. and i mean really, really narrowly. it was so close in several precincts, here's how they had to decide the winner. - in half a dozen precincts, the winner had to be determined by a coin toss. - tails. - tails. - yes! - hillary. - hillary clinton. [cheering] [laughter] - bernie was right. i guess money does decide elections.
thanks for tnorfolk!around and i just wanted to say, geico is proud to have served the military for over 75 years! roger that. captain's waiting to give you a tour of the wisconsin now. could've parked a little bit closer... it's gonna be dark by the time i get there. geico. proudly serving the military for over 75 years.
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- oh, hey, welcome back. it's time to talk about super tuesday, which unfortunately got hillary clinton so excited she had to run to the bathroom. but she's definitely gonna be here, so enjoy this for now. we're talking about super tuesday, which is also a very big night for a candidate that is not named donald trump. - hillary clinton in command. - huge night for hillary clinton. - winning seven super tuesday states. - a dominant lead. - tightening her grip on the party's nomination. - what a super tuesday! - aww. so nice to see a decades-long plan for global domination come together. yay! so yes, this was a great night for hillary clinton. but bernie fans need to understand, it was also a great night for bernie sanders, because he's probably not going to be the protagonist of this story, but he's still got his role. he's the magical negro who helps the protagonist
become a better person. yeah. bernie sanders is hillary's bagger vance. or hillary's kazaam. look at hillary's speech from last night. you tell me who it reminds you of. - those with the most wealth and the most power seem to have forgotten that basic truth about america. corporations that avoid paying their fair share of taxes. what we need in america today is more love and kindness. [cheers and applause] - is that you, bernie? that's right. the hillary clinton who sucked up to wall street and voted to invade iraq is running on a platform of equality, love, and kindness. and that, my friends, is thanks to bernie sanders. when it comes to america's presidential primaries, there's a quirk in the democratic process, and it's a quirk that everyone's been talking about. - it's all about the delegates, all about that math. - hillary clinton and bernie sanders vying for delegates. - a delegate death match on the republican side.
- yeah, delegate death match was my favorite jean-claude van damme movie. [laughter] now, it turns out the only vote that matters when nominating a party candidate is the vote at the party convention. and the only people who can vote at the convention are the delegates. on the democrats' side, they have superdelegates, all right? it's a group of people who have been bitten by radioactive spiders and can now vote for any candidate that they want. it's the most boring superpower ever. it really is. well, right after hawkeye, right after hawkeye. no, i'm sorry, 'cause archery's not a superpower, people. yeah, you shouldn't be fighting aliens. you should be at the olympics. that is not a superpower. no one gives a [bleep] about this normally, but because this race is so tight this year, everyone is acting like this. - it's a system rigged against people that go to voting booths. - it's disenfranchisement. it's not one person, one vote. - the rules are no good when you don't get democracy. the rules are no good when they don't count your vote.
- you are a superdelegate. - i'm a superdelegate. - what powers do you possess? [laughter] - not that many. it's never in the history of the democratic party since we've had superdelegates ever been a race which was decided by superdelegates, and i'm pretty sure the superdelegates are gonna vote for whoever has the most pledged delegates. - the big news last night came out of the democratic primary in michigan. - bernie sanders with a big upset victory over hillary clinton in michigan. - the polls show clinton leading sanders by 20 points in michigan, and she lost. - that is as big a polling failure as we have seen. - the longer this race goes on, the more tense it's getting between the candidates. - sanders and hillary clinton have been slugging at each other over fossil fuel donors, over campaign tone. - they are at each other's throats. - he demanded an apology for being called a liar. she called him desperate. - i don't know if hillary is the right person to call bernie sanders desperate. you know, it's rich coming from her. have you ever seen anyone who's wanted to be president that bad? it's creepy.
yesterday was the new york primary, and for the democrats, it was no contest. hillary clinton beat bernie sanders bad, and bernie knew it wasn't just because fewer people voted for him. - tens of thousands of people as i understand it have been purged from the voting rolls. that's a little bit crazy that in upstate new york, they opened the polls at 12 noon. - you know what many people love about bernie sanders? his blunt honesty, yeah. he speaks his mind. although you have to admit, sometimes he comes off a little paranoid, just in moments. he sounds like a senior citizen who doesn't trust his jamaican nurse. "she's laughing at me. "she thinks i don't know. but she's stealing my goddamn snickers." - bernie sanders bolstered overnight with a surprisingly big win over hillary clinton in indiana. - i understand that secretary clinton thinks that this campaign is over.
i've got some bad news for her. - her husband's cheating on her. oh, what, she knows? because i just got this fax a few minutes ago. you know, just when you think sanders is finished, he bursts back to life. you know, he's got the tenacity of jon snow and the body of what the red woman actually looks like. - 43% of sanders' voters said they'll defect to trump in the fall if clinton is the nominee. - i knew some of bernie's voters were young, but i didn't realize they were children. you know, just like, "fine! "i'm just gonna go vote for trump. hillary's stupid, and she smells like benghazi!" well, if you ask me personally, i think bernie sanders' popularity has nothing to do with policy. i think it's because he's opposite trump. bernie is the yin to trump's racist yang. - the issue is the huge amounts of money that it takes to run a campaign. - i have a huge company. - huge issue. - i'm a huge second amendment person.
- huge tax breaks. - huge problem at the border. - just think of it. trump versus sanders. that would be... - magnificent... - enormous... - humongous... - big. - so close. we'll be right back. your current gel antiperspirant wet ais.sticky now, we're going to show you how degree dry spray is different. degree dry spray.
[cheers and applause] michelle, obviously, this is not great news for hillary clinton. i mean, what should she do about the latest controversy? - well, listen, hillary, the jig is up. no one likes you. but you can make that work. you just have to embrace your unlikeability. hold it closer than the leash you keep bill on. she keeps him on a leash. he needs to be on a leash. but you're not running to be everybody's friend. you're running to be the boss, and no one likes their boss. - well, i mean, some people like their bosses. - no. not even a teeny, tiny bit. my boss speaks weird. he says things like "con-tra-versy." it's controversy. you sound like you're narrating an old children's schoolbook.
hillary just needs to be herself. remember this picture? that's who we need to run the world-- a no-nonsense, indoor sunglass-wearing, on her own plane boss lady who eats enemies and [bleep] policy. [cheers and applause] the point is, no one likes their boss. and hillary, we need you to be our boss. we don't want you to be, but we need you to be. because if you aren't in a couple of years, we're gonna be eating grilled squirrel from a hole in the ground with our children asking, "but why do we have to live like this, mommy?" and we'll have to respond, "we didn't vote for the smart lady because of some emails she sent from a different server." and then the child will say, "well, what's a server?" and we'll have to say, "i don't know, kevin. "i never [bleep] knew. "now shut up and eat your squirrel before king trump comes back, trevor." - wow. michelle wolf, everybody. donald trump is now calling himself the presumptive nominee, and he's turned his attention to last night's
other big winner, hillary. - well, i think the only card she has is the woman's card. she's got nothing else going. and frankly, if hillary clinton were a man, i don't think she'd get five percent of the vote. the only thing she's got going is the woman's card. - yes. hillary does play the woman card. she does. she does, because she's a woman. it's the same way you play the racist douchebag card. it's just who you are. it's just who you are. we all play the cards we have. so yes, hillary does play the woman card. but do you know what other cards she plays? the legislative experience card. the secretary of state card. the same person we trust with the nuclear codes card. - the other day, mr. trump accused me of playing the quote "woman card." [audience boos] well, if fighting for women's health care and paid family leave and equal pay is playing the woman card, then deal me in.
[rock music] ♪ - that is so cute. no, like, think about it. you haven't seen hillary crush for a while. you know, she even said it. hillary said, "i'm not good at campaigning. i'm not good at jokes." and here she is, and she's crushing it. the crowd is love-- and she's got that smile on her face. you know, finally, a joke landed for her. and you know this is not-- this is not gonna be the end. when a joke lands, you keep telling that joke. i can see her, like, the night after the thing, she's at the bar, and she's telling the bartender, "so then i said, deal me in." this artoo unit must be delivered to the rebellion. come on artoo! ♪ artoo! welcome to the rebellion. ♪
- i promise you, hillary. no one can see-- it's like a tiny thing. yeah, just move your-- just-- are you sure you don't-- all right, fine, fine. welcome back, and where were we again? oh, yes, trevor. the hillary clinton campaign. ever since she's clinched the democratic nomination, she has slowly been building up steam. her previous rival has intimated that he's dropping out. she's ahead of trump in the polls, and recently, she gained a powerful new ally. - u.s. senator elizabeth warren has made her debut on the campaign trail with the presumptive democratic nominee hillary clinton. - hillary clinton and elizabeth warren, joining forces today for the first time in the campaign. - hillary clinton will be the next president of the united states because she knows what it takes to beat a thin-skinned bully who is driven
by greed and hate. - aww, yeah. that's elizabeth warren's badass fighting style. float like a butterfly, sting like the librarian who just shut up your friends in the library. let's take a second here to comment on what a historic moment this is. for the first time in american history, the presumptive democratic presidential nominee is a woman, people, and she's joined on stage by another qualified, powerful woman. i am sure-- i am sure that the news recognized this. - hillary clinton being joined by senator elizabeth warren. did you see the matching pantsuits? - did they select their outfits together? well, the good thing is that they're actually selling those painting smocks on the clinton website and signing them. - you know that the blues brothers were john belushi and dan aykroyd. the blues sisters, there they are right there.