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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 10, 2016 2:10am-2:41am PST

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go back and look. >> chris: go back and look. i watched every episode. i'm not seeing it. >> it's like, did i do that. chris: vlad. >> a episode of "sanford and sun" red fox predicts a big dummy would be president. >> that's probably is true. chris: i'm pleased our audience appreciated a good "sanford and son" reference. >> a episode of the today show that al roker predicted the weather. >> i don't believe. that. >> i don't believe it. >> yes, crazy. chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. with tbd points, she's a writer on "portlandia"-- season 7 premieres on i.f.c. in january-- it's megan neuringer. [cheers and applause] >> chris: also with 400 points performing at drafthouse comedy in washington, d.c., january. 6 and 7, it's vladimir caamaño.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: and with 500 points. currently on tour-- visit chrisdelia.com for tickets and info-- it's chris d'elia. >> that's me. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's "hashtag wars." [cheers and applause] last night, our lives were forever changed. history will mark this as the most pivotal moment that will influence the rest of time. it will be known as the day the earth stood chill, the day when maine, massachusetts, nevada and california voted to legalize recreational use of marijuana in the state. [cheers and applause] i don't smoke pot. you think it's great. i will take your word for it the couple times i did it i thought if i didn't concentrate on my heart it wouldn't stop beating. i didn't enjoy the experience.
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history may not yet have gotten to record its first female president in the books, but at least we can all look forward to the day the social studies teacher has to teach our children about mary-jane. that's why tonight's hashtag is. #weedquotes. examples: here's looking at you for six hours lava lamp. the other is man, looking at the earth, we're so small here. oh, man. 60 seconds on the clock. begin. >> you toking to me. chris: points. very good. chris. >> first rule of fight club is. wait, what was i saying. >> chris: points. megan. >> bong, james bong. chris: good. vlad. >> don't ask what weed can do for you, but how can i get weed. >> chris: points. megan. >> nobody puts blueberry kush in the corner. >> chris: alright. chris. >> the only thing we have to
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fear is the van outside of the window all day. [laughing] >> you see the van. chris: megan. >> life is like a box of chocolates. just be really careful with the dose. >> chris: points. chris. >> say hello to my little friend, woody harrilson. >> chris: points. vlad. >> i think we're going to need a bigger blunt. >> chris: good. points. megan. >> love is phaeurb gent, love is kind, love pass the dochi on the left hand side. >> chris: good very good. perfect place toned the #hashtagwars. send us your #weedquotes and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. keep laughing. hug each other our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @kvetchmuch. well done! helps keep me feeling dry,
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. >> it's time to play chill dog or kill dog. despite the fluffy dogs and the smiley faces there is a cujo. dogs can go two ways. a chill dog. but there are also kill dogs. >> oh, it's already funny. >> oh, man. >> come on, dude. >> that's a baby. that's a baby. >> it's not like -- >> that's a baby. >> that's what you get for riding the dog. >> chris: that's what you get. i will show you a picture of a
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pooch. for 250 points tell me if it's a chill dog or kill dog. first up this bulldog. chill or kill chris. >> chill dog. no way that dog does anything but that. chill dog. >> chris: let's see. >> ahhh. chris: you know i will give you points on. that i think that could go either way. it's crushing the little one or chilling out. >> this is how bar baron trump s conceived. >> chris: next one this golden boy. >> that's a chill dog. chris: let's see. >> no way. >> no way. he is killing somebody right there. >> look there. >> [cheers and applause] >> oh. >> you know what, i will give you points. technically bringing a owner a beer and not stopping his owner
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forgetting behind the wheel of a car, a kill dog. >> chris: how about this little ride. megan. >> oh. that is a chill dog. >> chris: let's see. >> already chill. [cheers and applause] >> chris: more like sniffing for sticks with my nose. >> that's a kill dog. no license. >> chris: next one. what about this german family pet. oh. >> this is very obvious. >> kill, kill. murder. >> chris: let's see. >> oh. kp-rbd. >> you didn't know any of those people. and a flurry little friend. >> chris: vlad. >> chill. >> has to be.
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looks are deceiving. looks a little mad right now. >> looks like it might bite. >> you can't tell. can't tell. >> these are hard ones, dude. >> if that does was bigger it would be a kill dog. >> it's a juvenile. [laughing] >> chris: i will give you a hundred points. >> the end of -- >> it's time for the open mic court. >> the cat or the wall. kind of like a land line version of siri. so, they asked for the google home to tell jokes 15 minutes straight. why are there so many. stop sending me linked in requests. i will never join your weird
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cult. anyways take a look. >> okay. google, tell me a joke. >> who ever invented knock knock jokes should get a prize. >> tell me another one. >> as a golfer it's smart to wear two pairs of pants you know in case you get a hole in one. >> [beep] that thing. chris: we didn't have time to show googles big home closer smashing the watermelon over the computer. google home doesn't work blue. that's weird. i have google auto fill searches that were so dirty they had to buy a new computer. you probably have filthy search histories. i would like you to give me your google home late jokes. we will have mor
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if old sphow will theyense helps know i worked hard?, i've gotta make stuff harder. ♪ there, that's hard. ♪ the one from her favorite movie. the one for an adventurer. the one she's been eyeing all year. ♪ ♪happiness is ♪happiness is ♪different things to different people♪ ♪different things to different people♪ [gasp] the gift they're waiting for is waiting on ebay. ♪that's what happiness is new, unique, and everything in between.
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>> chris: welcome back to
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"@midnight." trump is president. before the break i told but google home. i asked for a google home late nightclub set. what did you come up with? >> water. chris: google tell me megan's joke. >> what is the difference between being hungry and horny. where you put the cucumber. i will never eat i am a robot. >> chris: alright. [ applause ] >> funny. chris: okay. google tell me vlad's joke. >> chris, look at your shoes. what are thoughs, ha, ha, ha. world star. >> chris: okay, fair enough. google, tell me chris' joke. >> i treat my body like a temple. by that i only let [beep] inside me. just kidding. i let a -- on my back. [laughing]
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>> chris: that is an amazing joke. a thousand points to chris. 500 to megan. 250 to vlad. >> chris: it's time for "chillsylvania." "chillsylvania." last night's electoral map was overwhelmingly red, but california stayed as blue as a smurf's taint, which they also refer to as a smurf. who is to know. this led to many californians tweeting for a "calexit," where we'd secede from the union and form our own nation. which will probably happen naturally when the big earthquake hits! come on, guys. you know it will happen. it will float into the sea. now, this plan is impractical for many reasons, but you have to admit that there's something appealing about arguments like this: "washington, oregon and california secede from the u.s. we would be the world's chilliest country." the world's chilliest country you say? a 72-degree paradise called "chillsylvania" where the
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president is a golden retriever with a bandana, and his v.p. is a dreamcatcher floating in a daiquiri glass. and they both have sunglasses because, ( bleep ) it, why not? comedians, let's indulge in a flight of fancy and list some of the laws of this laid-back utopia. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. megan. >> every did i is taco tuesday except for casual friday. >> chris: points. megan. >> your parents pay your rent even after you move out. >> chris: points. you struck a cord with this audience. [cheers and applause] >> chris: chris. >> this is important. you can leave your baby in a warm car as long as you're at a weed dispense row. >> chris: points. chris, again. >> citizenship test is just naming all of the members of the red hot chili peppers. >> chris: points. >> ya, man, what generation.
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dave navarro? >> it's open. chris: cool, man. >> it's open. chris: thanks, man. vlad. >> yes, girls that can't even will finally be able to even. >> chris: points. chris. >> harrison ford has to pay a fine every time he purchases a single earring. >> chris: points. that brings us to the end of "chillsylvania." vlad, you're in third place. any last words? >> oh, man. chris: this crowd will accept you. >> whatever you do, wash your hands. >> chris: that's the best advice anyone has tkpeufb on the show. [cheers and applause] >> it's dirty out there. chris: red light. audience: ahhh. chris: i know. now it's a bummer. you gave everyone good advice. >> i did. it looks good in the light. >> great in the light.
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>> chris: that means it's time to come in from the cold war. it's "for the win!" [cheers and applause] well, if you're looking for positives, it would seem that america's strained relationship with russia has taken a slightly positive turn. right, ya, ya. various news sources are reporting that topless fly-fishing instructor vladimir putin has congratulated president-elect trump on his victory, paving the way for some much needed job creation in the american sector of bear choreography. >> chris: like putin, he's also bear-chested. alright, guys. not get up set at that terrible joke. putin chose to offer his congratulations via telegram because, you know, you can't trust email these days. i mean, anybody can hack those things. we have no idea what putin said, so, comedians, i'd like you to write the telegram that president putin might have sent to president elect trump. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight.
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[cheers and applause] this is lynchburg, tennessee. this is how many people were born here. this is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. this guy keeps the town dry. these guys would prefer it a little wet. this many are proud of what we make here. this is how many will go around bragging about it. this is our town. for 150 years, the home of jack daniel's. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. they look like this.
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(woman vo) great adventures are still out there. we'll find them in our subaru outback. (avo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight" it's time for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this: i will read your answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i told you how vladimir putin sent a congratulatory telegram to donald trump, and i asked you to show me what it said. let's see what you wrote. first one ... you're welcome. [ applause ] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two ... congradulations on a successful mission agent x7. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who was number two? you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night, when our guests will be sean donnelly, matt braunger and jen kirkman. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #weedquotes and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. >> you know what maybe this
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country is going to be okay. >> chris: it's going to be okay now. come on. i love you. i [beep] love you. please try to be nice to each other okay. please. good night. ♪ >> you're watching "fox & friends." [ laughter ] >> hey, welcome back to "fox & friends." i'm steve doocy, and with me as usual, elisabeth hasselbeck, brian kilmeade. >> hi there. >> good morning. >> well, congress is having a few problems. >> what else is new? [ laughter ] >> that's so true. now that representative kevin mccarthy has withdrawn from the race for house speaker, the position's wide open. >> well, i don't know why they don't let them all speak. >> now, here's something interesting, actually. um, you know that the speaker doesn't actually have to be a member of congress?
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>> oh. >> it can be anybody. folks have thrown out names like mitt romney and newt gingrich. >> ohh, i don't know about him. that's the man who stole christmas. >> you know who i'd love to see? tim tebow. >> oh, solid, solid. what about buzz aldrin? >> wow. that's a real hero. >> yeah, yeah, he is great in all three "toy story" movies. hey, may i make a suggestion quickly? >> sure, brian. >> may i humbly nominate the great president ronald reagan for speaker of the house? i met mr. reagan recently in orlando, florida, at his home in the magnificent hall of presidents. and even though he had many visitors, he took the time to talk to me -- brian kilmeade. >> brian. >> [ laughs ] just crazy. >> i think you were at disney world. >> whew! [ laughs ] good thing you warned me. that place is full of pirates. >> well, one person who has thrown his name out there for speaker is the congressman from utah -- mr. jason chaffetz. he's a little young, but he feels he's ready, and mr. chaffetz joins us now. hello there! >> hey, steve! great to be on tv.
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>> [ laughing ] oh! now, mr. chaffetz, you're a rising star after your bold showing at the planned parenthood hearings. >> oh, thanks! you see those? i talked more than anybody. [ laughs ] >> yeah, you sure did. and did you know that, as speaker, you'd be third in line for the presidency? >> for real? >> yeah. it's true. >> wow! that's amazing! but you know what? i'm ready. i'm able. i'm gonna win this thing. >> yeah, we've heard that paul ryan might run. >> oh. okay, i'm gonna lose this thing. that guy is a lot more qualified than me. he can bench like 150. sorry for wasting your time. >> hey, not a problem. well, all of this stems from the republican effort to defund planned parenthood. >> those videos are shocking. did you know that they're selling baby parts on snapchat? >> it's outrageous. >> oh, well, i saw the video, and it is stomach-churning. i mean, the way that rat dragged that baby down the stairs? deplorable, just disgusting.
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>> no, no, brian. unhedged, you're talking about pizza rat again. >> [ laughs ] well, i just love him. i wish i had me some floor pizza. >> we know, brian. joining us now is a woman who has been inexplicably defending this organization -- congresswoman debbie wasserman schultz. >> hi, steve, elisabeth, brian. it's a pleasure not to be there in person. >> debbie, are you really defending an organization that sells babies the way that kfc sells chicken? >> [ exhales sharply ] elisabeth, you know that's not true. let me ask you, elisabeth -- do you want to get into a legal battle with a woman named debbie wasserman schultz? my name sounds like a law firm. >> okay, debbie, there is no need to -- >> you really want to take on planned parenthood, elisabeth? [ inhales sharply ] i will put all three of your heads in a mammogram machine and squish them like pancakes and serve them at ihop. >> oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, debbie. you're being hysterical. >> i will smack you upside the the head with a transvaginal wand. wasserman schultz does not play
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around. have you considered what might happen when you mess with millions of women? you know when a bachelorette party walks into a bar and just blows the place up? it's gonna be like that, but instead of a bar, it's america! we're organized, we're pissed, and we're all looking for a pap smear! wasserman out! >> no. >> yay! yay! >> brian, please. please. >> i'm sorry. i always agree with whoever's the loudest. >> all right, you know what? why don't we take a break? but before we go, we've got a quick list of corrections from our first hour. >> and we'll see you after this quick break, and... >> live from new york, it's "saturday night!" ♪ >> announcer: it's "saturday night live."
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with...
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featuring... musical guest weeknd... and your host, amy schumer! ♪ ladies and gentlemen, amy schumer! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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