tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central November 14, 2016 11:36pm-12:07am PST
r, get ago rested at a key a. [cheers and applause] >> chris: v, sweet, sweet love. w, the world's largest. [cheers and applause] >> chris: y, why am i doing this. [cheers and applause] doug benson? >> it's a. chris: let's find out together. [laughing] >> wow. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so, she liked it then? that's yoko ono.
the woman famous for breaking up the beatles reacting to donald trump. man for breaking up america. let's check our scoreboard. from "shameless" season seven on showtime, performing at crackers in indianapolis december 1-3, it's arden myrin. >> chris: also with three hundred points from years later" coming soon to netflix and rooster teeth's "crunch time," it's samm levine. >> chris: also with 300 points host of the "the high court," premiering january 23 on comedy central, it's judge doug benson. [cheers and applause] in case you are wondering. people bring cases to doug. he returns to his chambers to get super [beep] high and then comes back to deliver a judgment. >> ya. [cheers and applause] >> i'm going to say things like
odor in the court. [laughing] >> it's going to be so much fun. >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." thanksgiving isn't the only holiday next week. november 27 is bill nye's birthday, commemorating the day a doctor looked to his mom and said "congratulations! it's a science guy!" my birthday is november 23rd, don't worry about it. i know, my god. the big 2-9 this year. shut up. shut [beep] up. [beep] you and the wikipedia. and since science is ending january 20, let's create some more star-obsessed stars with
tonight's hashtag #sciencecelebs. hydrogenner if an ston and bun son bernie sanders. 20 seconds, begin. >> doug cloney. chris: yes. >> -- chris: arden. >> i ron huebel. chris: doug benson. >> june love gravity. chris: samm levine. >> weird al einstein. chris: arden. >> hydrochloric. >> acid rain nelson. >> bill guy the science guy theory. >> chris: points. >> e equals mc hammer. chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: samm. >> jack black hole.
>> chris: that's the end of "hashtag wars." send us your #sciencecelebs and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. science! our tweet-of-the-day from our last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @todd gillett. well done! get it gillett. upgrade season's here. i got my new iphone 7 from sprint. sprint? i'm hearing good things about the network. all the networks are great now. we're talking within a 1% difference in reliability of each other.
and, sprint saves you 50% on most current national carrier rates. if you got 1% more haircut than me today, would you really pay twice as much? no i wouldn't. copy that! (vo) switch to sprint and get iphone 7. plus save 50% off most current national carrier rates. don't let a 1% difference cost you twice as much. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. whoooo! we're not in a rush to be most popular. not in a rush not to be.
real bourbon. no apologies. if it's for you, you'll know. ah, thank you. wild turkey®. it'll find you. i am a first responder tor and i'emergencies 24 hours a day, everyday of the year. my children and my family are on my mind when i'm working all the time. my neighbors are here, my friends and family live here, so it's important for me to respond as quickly as possible and get the power back on. it's an amazing feeling turning those lights back on. be informed about outages in your area. sign up for outage alerts at pge.com/outagealerts. together, we're building a better california.
[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play "toy store-y." when i was a kid, toys were made of asbestos and if you didn't eat them all, you weren't allowed to play razor catch. and a piled of broken glass, rabid dogs near a chimney factory. and we liked it! toys these days are safe and round and hardly ever make your hair fall out.
comedians, i'm gonna show you a controversial toy from the past and for 250 points, i want you to tell me why they stopped selling it. first up, rollerblade barbie and her spark-throwing arson skates. ♪ [laughing] >> chris: why was this pulled from the shelves. doug benson? >> it was pulled because there was another unpopular doll that came out at the same time. burn unit ken. >> the boogie nights promotional deal fell through. >> chris: points. next one, these whirling blades of fun. sky dancers. ♪ ♪ >> chris: why would these be pulled from shelves, doug
benson. >> obama had a brief program -- instead of drones. >> chris: points. >> very happy to talk about our sky dancer program. >> chris: pulled five minutes later. >> it encouraged too many girls to become topless sky dancers. [ applause ] >> they were pulled from shelves because they were suicidal. >> see. [laughing] >> oh, no. [ applause ] >> chris: she was like, i am a slave to no one! [ applause ]
>> chris: this next one i legitimately remember when i was in college, i mean h elementary school. play it. ♪ >> look out. >> mr. bucket. chris: samm. >> he doesn't have any balls left after mrs. bucket walked out on him. >> chris: points. points. i thought she would take half the balls. >> all the balls. chris: doug benson. >> unfortunately, chris -- chris: take a minute if you need to. i know it's hard. >> every neighborhood already has a mr. bucket. >> chris: well -- he has to go around house to house to introduce himself. ya, a knock on the door.
i'm mr. bucket. >> i may ask you to put your balls in my mouth. i am legally required to let you know i'm moving into the neighborhood now. >> chris: finally a toy from back in the 60s that should of killed most of our parents. sixfinger. >> sixfinger. >> looks like a finger so no one can see who has the danger. >> me. >> me. >> me. [ applause ] >> chris: arden. >> it was giving too many moms urinary tract infections. [laughing] >> chris: mom, where is my six sixfinger. i don't know. doug. >> it was pulled from shelves. it could never match the popularity of throw.
somthreesome.>> chris: good poi. >> i was in a threesome once. chris: three. some some. >> i love threesomes. chris: that's the end of toy story. time for our live challenge. guy from high school we hardly knew you. you may think you're on a couch enjoying a fake game show but you may of died last week. many living users were declared dead including facebook ceo mark sucker berg. he's alive and welch to the relief of american hoodie salesmen and tom from myspace is also alive. [cheers and applause] >> chris: there he is. he's down in a doomsday dunker with half a million dollars deciding who to
put in his top eight. >> look at his finger nails. >> a howard hughes thing there. chris: money makes people crazy. i want to you tell me what you would post on the wall to remember mark sucker berg. we wilzuckerberg.we will have ae break with more "@midnight." applebee's buy one get one free menu means you can try this combination for just $12.49.
time to game over at friendster. >> chris: alright. doug benson. >> i have never been on facebook, chris. it started after i didn't go to college. >> chris: alright. [ applause ] >> chris: arden. >> you were a genius mark zuckerberg. oh that auto corrected [beep], [beep]. worth it. >> chris: alright. [ applause ] >> chris: i will give everyone 2000 points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it is time -- >> i love participation points. chris: it's time for gilmore gill merrier. finally some good news for
hillary supporters: gilmore girls is coming back! next week, a new gilmore girls miniseries premieres that promises some closure on the canceled early 2000's dramedy about mom lorelai and daughter rory. will we finally find out which one was the smoke monster >> chris: i think, not sure. whatever happens, people who don't watch @midnight can't wait to find out. the special is called "gilmore girls: a year in the life," and that title had us thinking, what if other discontinued tv shows are brought back for one last ride? so comedians, i want you to come up with as many tv reunion subtitles as you can. i'm putting 60 seconds on the -- begin. >> fantasy island 201, we're moving to australia. >> chris: doug benson. >> two broke girls, one cup. chris: alright. points. arden myrin. >> frazier, the brothers finally [beep] >> chris: alright. the thing that everyone wanted to see. >> finally. chris: samm. >> mash, war crimes tribunal. chris: points for. that arden.
>> different strokes, still stroking. >> chris: points. doug benson. >> alf, grab the puss he's and eat them. >> chris: points. krefpl>> chris: he likes cats. arden. >> saved by the bell, screech has the herp. >> chris: points. samm. >> step by step, building the wall. >> chris: that's not a tgif. points to samm levine. samm. >> freaks and geaks, save samm levine's house. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of gilmore gill-merrier. arden myrin, any last words before you are bathed in red lights? >> thank you, so much fun. chris: arden myrin. good night. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: that means it's time to brag about america's (/ bleep/ ) again, it's for the win! ever since america elected a wordy hat last week it's clear that americans' favorite reading material has become lazily designed fishing trip apparel. that's why this imgur post of buck the mcloveing here with the mouth load of a tee shirt. this has been viewed almost 500-thousand times. it reads: "why i'm single, hideous, too picky, and then he checked off "dick is too big, might kill someone." this has been a big seller after years of profit losses from previous versions of the shirt listing reasons like: why i'm single. secretly gay. dick is too small. might kill self. or this shirt with a check box. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so comedians, over the
break i'd like you to come up with your own shirt listing off reasons for being single. let's make a million dollars on this one. let's get out of this [beep]. drive into the sunset, selma. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off) so good, they're back. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for :for the win.: i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i showed you this viral imgur photo of this kid wearing a shirt self-proclaiming premeditated dick homicide and i asked you to come up with your own shirt of reasons for being single, let's see what you came up with. first one. why i'm single my dick is too big. believe me about the dick thing. i was lying about the dick thing. sense of humor is the most important thing, right. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] > chris: i would buy that shirt. or ... why i'm single. i'm sticky, i'm i canny, i have a lymp weed dicky. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause] >> chris: sounds like number two. doug benson, of course. >> chris: congratulations, ! you won the internet. he's sustained. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be flula borg, sara schaefer and randy liedtke. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #sciencecelebs and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. you're out of order! i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. be nice to each other. goodnight! ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled]
men everywhere can last longer and stay in the moment. new k-y duration. you too? with this ring, i will lovey you...forever. only kay jewelers has both tolkowsky - the first ideal cut diamond. and our now & forever collection. kay - the number one jewelry store for... yes! ♪ every kiss begins with kay. old computer slowing you down? you know... i know. new computers are super-fast. and yet here you are with a new world record for the slowest computer. you know about it, now do something about it. upgrade to a new pc. ♪ ♪ sing girl, come on. ♪[ singing ]♪
sorry, ariana you gotta go. seriously? verizon limits me and i gotta get home. you're gonna choose navigation over me? maps get up here. umm... that way. girl! you better get on t-mobile! why pay more for data limits? introducing t-mobile one, unlimited data for everyone. get four lines just $35 a month. - you have been very, very naughty. you're a naughty girl. - oh, yes, gerald. i've been so naughty. [both moaning] oh, jeez! - what the--ike! ike, get back to bed right now! - i'm scared. there's a ghost. - oh, not this again. ike, we are sick of you talking about ghosts. - but daddy, i saw the-- - no buts. get back to your room right now and don't come out. you got it?
- gerald, what has gotten into him? - oh, i don't know. i think maybe with all the news of famous people dying this summer, he--he's just freaked himself out. [wind blowing] [tree limbs banging on windowpane] thud! - [gasps] [suspenseful music] ♪ - hi. billy mays here for megascrub cleanser. - aah! - are you tired of your kitchen counters getting those nasty stains? don't just rub them, megascrub them. - billy mays, no! - mold, mildew, even those impossible wine stains are gone in a flash when you snipe them away. - mommy! aah! farrah fawcett! farrah fawcett!