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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  December 9, 2016 2:07am-2:36am PST

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>> no, i want commas in my life. >> trevor: you said nothing could stop you, khaled! >> no, i want commas. you got to be clear. >> trevor: no more punctuation commas. but that's not catchy. i've got another one. i've got another one. it says time for a second slice. >> time for a second slice. >> trevor: basically in life, you know, like sometimes after you had a big meal and then you go, ah, man, i can't eat my more food, i'm tired, i want to sleep. then you realize, no, nothing can stop me, time for a second slice! >> it's almost like another one. >> trevor: time for a second slice. that's what it is. this is magic right now. this is part of the magic! >> i'm going to be honest with you. i also have another one called we the best glow. the ladies love this because you smell so great they just come at you. >> trevor: this is part of the -- where are these bottles coming from? i don't know even know! where are these bottles coming
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from? >> and this is called live life smooth, why live rough? ( laughter ) >> trevor: i have so much to learn from you. hope you come back. the book is amazing, it will teach you everything you need to know. "the keys," d. j. khaled, another one! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ trevor: that's our show for
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toofnlt thanks for tuning in. big announcement, monday night at 11:00, president obama will be in the white house. ( laughter ) oh, wait, wait! and i will be talking to him in the white house! so you don't want to miss it. do you know in monday at 11. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> pope francis criticized those who spread fake news, compared scandal to an unhealthy obsession with feces.
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>> chris: it is 29 minutes until midnight. this is happening on your desk right now, amazon alexa is a thing you put in your house to talk to lake a cat or hostage. a alexa to do something like play music, control your smart device and remember to plug alexa in and ask her to do those things again and then alexa does them. people love alexa so much that according to amazon c.e.o. and dolphin smooth kevin spacey jeff bezos alexa received over 250,000 marriage proposals from customers and counting. most were for when larry king fell down a flight of stairs but still they count. is it just me or is it a little alarming that the c.e.o. of the world's most powerful box delivery service know soses many intimate details of your love life? i feel like maybe alexa has a wire. there is no way that's not lessening to all the stupid [bleep] are you doing in your house. what are some other things alexa is e iting handsome precog jeff bezos. >> that if you really want you
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can fit alexa in your butt. >> chris: all right, points. erica. >> that i still stalk my ex-boyfriend. hi, adam, i know you're watching. text me. >> chris: points. ali. >> she's always searching for black market-- fire tracks. >> chris: i don't think he would be able to hide it very well. police scanners an just for your nosey ung theal keeps track to what his met heads are up to. thanks to twitter you can keep up with bizarre crimes overheard on police radios but to inrow intreus real i'm, we need some gravitas and years of experience on the force. that is why right now we're bringing occupy the big gun, please welcome professional police officer pretender michael chiklis. (applause) nice to he sue, michael chiklis. >> good to be seen. >> chris: michael chiklis is going to read a tweet from
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someone listening to their local police scaryn and for 100 points i would like you to tell me how the crime panned out. first up, from surry, british columbia. >> crews responding to bear creek park. male reporting a bear charged him and stole his pizza. >> chris: we've all been there erica. >> the news seth rogan movie is off to a great start. >> chris: yes, points. point, nate. >> we finally got an answer to the question, does a bear [bleep] in the woods? >> chris: yes. points. ali. >> i see that my harry cousin is up to the old empty pizza box trick again. >> chris: all right. points. next one, this one from portland. >> police on southeast 148 division for a guy standing in the middle of the road waving a towel like a bull fighter at cars. >> chris: sure, if you have been there, you get it. >> $as cowboy fans are every why wz: >> chris: yai, all right.
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nate. >> this is portland, that is just the mayor. >> chris: it is, yeah. points. >> he has been hired as the new secretary of mental health under trump. >> chris: yeah, points. points. next up, this is from bellingham, washington, pacific northwest. >> marijuana in the laundry room of a retirement home. >> chris: all right. nate. >> for the first time ever police actually believe the excuse, it's for my glaucoma. >> chris: all right. the only legitimate medical marijuana card in the entire world. erica. >> seth rogan sequel off to a great start. >> chris: points, ali. >> papa and grand papa were rolling stones on the way to bingo. >> chris: all right, points. very good. last one, from sheboygan. >> sheboygan, come on, try it once, michael chiklis.
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>> sheboygan! >> sheboygan! >> chris: see? how much better you seem now. (applause) >> shut the [bleep] up. >> chris: okay, sorry, i was out of line there. >> 1300 block of north fourth street, man has swol engenitalia >> chris: that poor bas starred-- bas tard. we've all been there. >> shots fired, officer down. >> chris: points. >> wows. >> chris: that is the ends of loco police scaryn, michael chiklis do you want to stick around for a bit? >> no, i can't stick around. have i to go beat the [bleep] out of a hobo. >> chris: what? >> i caught him taking a leak in my bird bath. >> chris: right now are you going to leave the station and track down a hobo. >> no, i have him handcuffed in the back of my van. i just had to come in here and deal with this [bleep] first.
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then i will deal with that mother [bleep] >> chris: michael chiklis. follow him on twieter@michaelchiklis. he's better than we are. he is better. i love that man. i love that man. let's check in with the scoreboard, the 700 pointings guest starring on this is not happening december 2 2-7bdz on km de central, ali siddique. (cheers and applause) -- siddiq and with 700 points, half hour special streaming on come dree central.com and t-shirt designs availableed on horny t's.biz nate fernald. also with 700 points performing at the improv in irvine, california, december 8th through the 119, it's erica rhodes. i'm trying my glasses today, have i never done a show with my glasses, normally i put in contact by my eyes are tired of being finger banged every morning at 7 a.m. so i decided to try this out, now i feel like
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it's working okay. now it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. so this is a very cool thing that i am excited to report to you, the new movie christmas parties in theaters right now and the cast features "@midnight" favorites take a look you're turning blue. >> you have to try that, try that. >> all right, so this is what is fun about this, we're teaming up with this movie for very awesome things, for every tweet tagged in tonight's hashtag war,@mid nature and office countries mases party we'll donate $1 up to $30,000 to st. jude children's research hospital. >> i'm a memphis boy.
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raised in memphis, st. jude wag our local charity, my dad's favorite charity and one of pie favorite charities and they do amazing work to understand, treat and defeat childhood cancer. plus they freely share every discovery they make so doctors and scientists worldwide can save thousands more children and all of you playing along tonight will send them real money that can be put to good use. so pull out your phone, make the world a better place with tonight's hashtag christmas in three words. expam els present, present, presents and creepy coworker mistletoe. i will put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. erica. >> egg nothing flavored everything yz yes, poants. ali. >> secret santas suck. >> chris: points. >> no presents jew. >> chris: all right, points. thank you for helping out saind jude's research, erica rhodes. >> getting really fat.
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>> chris: poipts. nate. >> chinese food, jew. >> chris: points. ali. >> underwear again? >> chris: points. nate. >> miss el toe above crotch. >> chris: points. erica. >> please be over. >> chris: points. nate. >> miss el toe above butt hole. >> chris: points. ali. >> who bought this. >> chris: that is the end of the hashtag wars, keep the game going, you are going to be raising money for a good cause. you don't even have to leave the toilet. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played.
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no, i love you in that. no, i love you in that! (vo) hurry, these offers end soon. get the best deals and the best network, only on verizon. we catch flo, the progressive girl, at the supermarket buying cheese. scandal alert! flo likes dairy?! woman: busted! [ laughter ] right afterwards we caught her riding shotgun with a mystery man. oh, yeah! [ indistinct shouting ] is this your chauffeur? what?! no, i was just showing him how easy it is to save with snapshot from progressive. you just plug it in and it gives you a rate based on your driving. does she have insurance for being boring? [ light laughter ] laugh bigger. [ laughter ]
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>> chris: welcome back to your "@midnight" at 11:30. it's time to play a domain by any other name. most businesses have fairly innocuous domain names like amazon.com or van halen.pizz blanca but sometimes they can be unintentionally hilarious like the website for okan u.s. ebb site also doubles at okayanu s.com. fun fact okayanu s is what they call okaycu pid in greece. i will show you an be intentionally ridiculous domain name and for 250 points answer a question. first up, the cabin rental sight fo old man haven has an unfortunateu rl. old manshaven. what are perks from renting a
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cabin at oldmanshaven.com. >> friday night lemon party? >> chris: yes. every time we mention lemon party i beg people at home do not google lemon party. every time, they do it and i get a bunch of tweets like why didn't i listen to you. >> it's not a lemonade stand. >> chris: it's not a lemonade stands. >> it is of sorts. >> chris: nate. >> no carpet or drapes. >> chris: yes, points. this website for swansea university can i'm club is succ.me. what should be at the website at su cc.me. >> a full screen picture of a butt hole. >> chris: all right, points. ali. >> the new nickelback album. >> chris: yes, points. next one, if you want to use
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google on the cook islands you have to go to gook el.co.ck. in other words google cock. comedians, what do you semp for on google cock. >> nothing, my roommate took my computer. >> chris: all right, points. easy's the one that jerk offed all over the keyboard, he did this. >> erica. >> free range chickens on anthony weiner's farm. >> chris: yes, points. ali. >> to see if my face shows up. >> chris: all right, points. next up, temperature and himmity data company dixon of course has theu rldick zon data.com watch do you think they might research at deckson be data.com. >> richard nixon and other assholes. >> chris: all right, points.
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erica. >> graphs of showers versus growers. >> chris: yes, points. last one, website for artisanal cheese is of course art is annal cheese. i know you all have discertaining palates. what is on art is annal cheese.com? eric a rica. >> assiago cheese. >> chris: very good. >> thank you, thank you. >> chris: this is the ends of i domain by any other name it time for our live challenge, capitol grill. congress is full of meaningful talk about et going this legislation passed or overriding that veto. gobbledy gook f they aren't trying to regulate how many goes in the pinks as how many goes in the stinks, i just don't care.
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texas rep louie gohmert stepped up and 345eud congress tv more matchable-- watchable by taking a stance on something everybody can be excited about, his god given right to ribs on his office balcony. >> i could not cook ribs and share them with other members of congress. it's probably the only time here on capitol hill when i actually leave a good taste in people's mouth. >> chris: art is anal cheese.com. this is your tax dollars at work. and also will his two eyes just come together and [bleep] already? come on. so close. so close. >> there is nothing more
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american than wasting lawmaker's time in the halls of congress. i want you to show me another are request that congressman could bring to the floor. we'll get your answers after the break. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." this year at t-mobile, the holidays are on us! switch your family of four to t-mobile. get unlimited everything ...and we'll give you $800 to spend anywhere you want. hurry to t-mobile and get your holidays on us. oh look at this, a raisin re-hydrator. it turns them back into grapes. wow, what an exhausting journey. that's a good wedding present. good call. with the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee.
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backed by the service and security of american express.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i told you about representative louie gohmert fight for his right to barbecue and asked for more examples how the government is filibustering all over the house floor. let's see what you came up with, nate, let's start with you. >> thank you, mr. speaker. now you know those half sized soda cans, they don't have a name. and i think that as of tonight they should officially be called chodsods. >> second it, second it. motion so moved. ali. >> i'm posing mandatory jail time for everybody who's been in the band nickelback. >> chris: all right. fair. tough by fair. erica. >> ladies and gentlemen, i were pose that madonna stop reinventing herself, okay.
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she got it right the first time. >> chris: all right. i will give 1,000 to nate, 500 toali 2-rbgs 50 to erica rhodes. it's time to play he mo-gee,. finding a local business but don't think yell is twee enough, there is a new feature for you, if you tweet google and emoji they will rely with local businesses in your area. all that happens when you tweet the eggplant emoji is directions too a restaurant with he delicious eggplant parm he san, you know, delicious eggplant parmesan. all you can eat. all the butt holes you can fit under the mistletoe. i will show you an emoji and will you tell me what google will give you directions to when you tweet it. first up, this one, nate. >> the monkey beat boxing
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championship. >> chris: all right. all right. next one. >> ali. >> bill cosby poop party. >> chris: next up. nate. >> the lower jaw store, right? >> chris: would it kill to you get some eyeball, come on, guys. next up, that was the skull of a machine key without lost the beat boxing. they ripped his face off. that's not a real thing, you guys. you seem to be upset by that like there is a machine key beatboxing championship and the loser monkey gets his face ripped off! you literally lick oh, man, that's not cool. nonof it is real.
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erica. >> it seems really worth it at first and then it actually more trouble than-- . >> chris: all right, points. but that's how you get missel toe over a butt hole. >> yes. >> chris: next up. ali. >> sir mix a lot pool party. >> chris: yes, points. points. next up. >> nate. >> amish porn. >> chris: yes, points. >> i don't know why they have a phone but-- . >> chris: we do it like this here in amish country. oh, the english do it like this. we do it like this. finally, ali. >> trump tower. >> chris: all right, points. that brings us to the end of emo-gee there is kreent. i see erica rhodes are you in third place. so we have to eliminate from you the competition. do you have any last words before we throw you to the
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wolves? >> i just want to say that it's been wonderful. i've had a really good time with you all. i wish that, you know, could make it to the next moment. but i guess i can't nlings i keep talking. >> chris: you're just hoping the show. >> maybe i will just delay enough so that someone will change their mind. and they'll think oh, you know, she really wants this. >> chris: yeah. >> she really wants it it from the bottom of her heart. >> chris: yeah. >> and so someone in the front row will start a movement. and will change the course of history. >> chris: so you're just-- you're just waiting for a compassionate person without will bend the rule as he is warrant to do sometimes. i done know anyone like that. red light!
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glasses chris hard which, evil chris hardwick what are you going to do i'm proteched by my glass, [bleep] you and bleep bleep you, and [bleep] you. [bleep] all of yous. ha ha had ha! that means it's time to swipe alt right, it's for the win. oily dandelion donald trump hasn't taken office yet but already he is having huge effects. not only is cheese oz bronzer now a thing but a trump themed dataing site is getting a ton of new members. the conservative connector is called trump singles.com also known as ok stupid and naz-eharmony or no j's date. the creator says that there are now 12,000 active eithers including eligible men, women and twitter eggs, free to sign. what is a message you might get on this trumped up dataing site. we'll name a winner when we come back on "@midnight". hi, i'm paul
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