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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  December 12, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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important. and i would add everybody's got a different role to play. if chris rock's doing standup, then there is a benefit to him doing something that is different from the president of the united states doing something. for one thing, you know, he doesn't have to edit his language quite as carefully because i am still subject to, you know, some restraints -- >> trevor: you vile have your last few days. >> those seven words george carlin talked about, i can't use those, as a general proposition because a lot of children are watching. i try to comport myself in a way that my mother would approve of. >> trevor: well, i just want to say thank you so much for being on the show. thank you for being an inspiration and, most importantly, thank you for giving me an opportunity to see what i would look like after eight years of the toughest job
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in the world. >> you know, i will say that i resent how young and good looking you are because i used to think of myself in those terms, and it's been downhill for quite some time. >> trevor: thank you, sir. >> thank you, man. >> trevor: thank you very much. >> appreciate it. there is no typical day.
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there is nothing typical about making movies. i'm victoria alonso and i'm an executive producer...
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that's right! $800 to spend anywhere you want. plus, all season long, get awesome deals on smartphones, tablets, and accessories. hurry in to t-mobile and get your holidays on us. tough question. what's' the deal with gitmo, yo? i'm going to show roy. you guys edit it out and make it
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[cheers and applause]and make it >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. here's everything online worth getting hacked by the russians today. uber just released a controversial new set of community guidelines that emphatically clarify... no sex in ubers. at all! [booing] >> chris: boober. [laughing] >> chris: no sex in ubers. not even with the drivers! how are passengers supposed to control themselves? personally, i find nothing sexier than being in the back of a dirty prius and nodding politely while hearing about someone's band that's about to take off. i see this as a challenge. comedians, what's a line you could use on an uber driver to make them break their no sex oath? >> i'll give you a tip for your tip. >> chris: alright. points. >> i would say, hey this water
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bottle doesn't fit in the cup holder. when he turns around it is sticking out my butt. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> i moe it's not allowed but would you like to have sex with me. >> chris: alright. points. points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: do you want five stars or not? i will give you 69 stars. >> you said uber x. [laughing] >> chris: a hundred extra points for james. >> chris: next up, christmas scatalog. struggling to find a christmas gift for the insufferable a-hole in your life? well, fret no more! gwyneth paltrow, the tesla driver's martha stewart, has released goop's holiday shopping guide, and just by existing, it's given trump's more electoral votes. [laughing] goop calls it their "ridiculo,
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but awesome gift guide," and it's certainly one of those two things. comedians, which of these actual items from the goop gift guide is the most expensive? a) a 20 foot yurt b) a porcelain banana. c) a pelvic floor exercise tracker. d) a leather bicycle >> chris: by the way all of those are for [beep] james. >> think it's the leather bicycle. it's probably grass fed leather. [laughing] >> that's expensive. chris: that sounds like a good guess but the yurt is the most expensive, at just north of $8k, so if you're doing -- it's sold out. ahhh. sorry, kyle and briana you have to settle for two playstation 4s instead.
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the holiday sweater -- i'm rocking it today. my second choice. i couldn't find a smurf orgy sweater. if you have one send it to me. next, walk for what? we're right in the middle of holiday parade season-- which always leads to that age old debate-- parades, a complete waste of time? or an elaborate excuse today drink. i guess parade. ♪ [laughing] >> chris: one of our writers, jordan morris pointed out it looked like the panda had lap dance surgery and didn't get all
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of the extra skin. comedians, please answer the question posed by twitter user, @hotgamersex, "yo what the (/ bleep/ ) is this (/ bleep/ )" morgan murphy. >> i think that's purge day for registered sex offenders. >> chris: points for that. [laughing] >> chris: jay. >> a heart warming corporate intellectual properties parade. >> chris: points. no more sex in the ubers. >> chris: next up tinder loving care. a woman from wesleyan university set reddit on fire with screenshots of her tinder profile, which shows her taking a selfie with an unwitting companion. comedians, what is in her profile picture? a dog orgy or a mid poop santa
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claus. >> dog orgy. chris: what do you think it is? >> dog orgy. chris: alright. just got a window into your souls. a little window into your souls. for those who said mid poop santa sorry it's the dog orgy. >> yes! yes! >> chris: if you want to know what the bummed out dog in the middle feels like smash this lipstick into your forehead. [laughing] >> chris: heat is up a little bit and mush it in. >> gross. chris: i'm sorry to this guy's mom in the front row. thankfully there is another angle. another angle. >> a tail. chris: tail action. >> what -- chris: they're tailing.
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it's a tailgate party. a tailgate party. that's what this is. dogs, take this back to the yurt. we have a show here. [laughing] >> chris: rapid refresh. now let's check in with the scoreboards. with 200 points his new hour special "spatial" is streaming now on netflix, it's reggie watts. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and with 400 points his album "trump vs. bernie: live from brooklyn" is available on digital and vinyl, it's james adomian. [cheers and applause] >> chris: also with 400 points performing at the comedy store in los angeles december 16, it's morgan murphy. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars.
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have you ever listened to a rap song and thought, "boy, i wonder what this tastes like?" if so, you're probably having a stroke. either way, why not try rap snacks! featuring flavors like migos' "sour cream with a dab of ranch" fetty wap's "honey jalapeno." mmm, tastes just like fetty wap. well we're gonna join in on the rap snack trend with tonight's hashtag #hiphopfoods. examples maybe corn doggy dog. [laughing] >> wow. chris: i -- i want to agree with the 60 percent of you who didn't respond to that. and j. coleslaw. >> mackerel more. chris: yes. >> two live crouton. chris: reggie. >> shawn honey combs. chris: morgan. >> ba nan-nas.
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chris: points. james. >> entree 3000. chris: morgan murphy. >> straight out of compote. >> the pune tang clan. >> a tribe called kaoefp. >> lewd a chris. >> hendrick lamarshmallow. >> jurassic five guys. >> little kim chi. >> rice cube. >> ll cool ranch doritos. [laughing] >> chris: james. >> slim jim shady. chris: points. reggie. >> grill i am. chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #hiphopfoods and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to u
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by: thank to everyone who participated together with office christmas party we raised $30,000 for st. jude children's hospital. really well done! hi, i'm paul.
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i used to be with verizon, but i switched to sprint. me too! and me. when will you? can you hear that? (vo) don't let a 1% difference in network reliability cost you twice as much. happy holidays to you and your family. for people with hearing loss, switch to sprint today. visit sprintrelay.com you never believed in fairytales. knights in shining armor
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or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready. time to shine. orbit.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play light supremacy. every december, neighbors all over the country get out their christmas lights out doing each other. it's what you want with power strips. and there are photos of these retina-burning holiday hellholes all over the web. comedians, i'm gonna show you some bad christmas lights and for 250 points i want you to answer a few questions about them. why are you nervous? you shouldn't be nervous. let's get starting. i do seem nervous. let's start with the lights that remained me of something, i can't quite --
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[laughing] >> chris: reggie. what is going on here? >> if -- if you build it, it will come. [cheers and applause] >> chris: very good. from field of creams. james. >> clearly the happiest end of the year. >> chris: morgan. >> celebrating that special time of year when your dick gets infected. >> chris: oh, boy, i am appalled. here we are doing a family christmas show. all you saw was side show bob. i can't believe -- you had to take it down into the pants. >> chris: next here comes santa claus. and before we start this one, keep your eye on the angel. alright.
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[cheers and applause] what's a christmas carol you might sing about this tableau? james. >> the little hummer boy. chris: i blew him his horn for him. >> chris: please don't neglect -- >> rum pum pum. chris: morgan murphy. >> silent night. if you tell your parents i will kill them. [laughing] >> chris: points. next one. here is ol ' piss kringle. there he is. what is santa celebrating, morgan murphy. >> getting off a nine hour flight. >> chris: points. yes. [cheers and applause] >> i would. chris: next up this noel hell. oh, jesus christ.
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a lot of yard displays have a theme. what's the theme of this yard display? james. >> it looks like we have lost the water on christmas. >> chris: morgan? >> trump's holiday internment camp. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, the morning after christmas when everybody is drained. what happened here? reggie? >> it looks like a bunch of inflatable christmas ornaments got deflated. >> chris: points. a little unclear. morgan. >> it's a little funnier then reggie's. [laughing] >> it's santa claus is coming to jones town. >> chris: points. very good.
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very good. >> chris: that's the end of light supremacy. it's time for our live challenge, booker t., washington insider. ever since americans voted to let the only slot machine owner who's ever lost money sit at abraham lincoln's desk, th bar for being a -- be a qualified politician has plummeted, take these two big announcements over the weekend. first, italy's ambassador to new jersey, joe piscopo says he's seriously considering a run for governor of the garden state, and on saturday, professional wrestler booker t launched his campaign for mayor of houston. fun fact: if he wins, he'd be the first pro wrestler to become mayor of a major american city, and the first mayor of houston who's been convicted of robbing a wendy's at gunpoint. look it up. unfortunately there's no video of booker t's announcement, but there is plenty of video of him pretending to get his ass kicked in a grocery store, so let's just watch that: [laughing]
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[cheers and applause] >> i'm surprised he didn't get a couple of beers. >> chris: i am watching that thinking, that's the cleanest i have even a albertsons. comedians, over the break i'd like you to give me a line from a political stump speech for a professional wrestler. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] ♪ the harder the climb, the better the reward. coors light. whatever your mountain, climb on. you never believed in fairytales. knights in shining armor or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready.
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a 526 pound barrel of tennessee whiskey. these people can do everything else. ♪ this is lynchburg, tennessee. the home of jack daniel's.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i told you that professional wrestler booker t announced plans to run for mayor of houston in 2020 and i asked you to give me a political stump speech from a professional wrestler. let's see what you came up with. >> next time vote for jesse ventura, because i have always fought the new world order. i'm not talking about the clintons and bushes.
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i'm talking about hulk hogan and kevin nash, and five or six others. >> chris: morgan murphy. >> alright. do you smell what the rock is cooking. it's healthier food in public schools. vote for the rock. i don't do impressions. >> chris: you didn't really take a commanding -- >> i don't do impressions or beat box. if those are the reasons i lose it's meant to be. >> chris: well -- beat boxing challenge we were going to do. reggie. >> i can assure you under my administration there will be no sex scandals because years of an bolic steroid use have left my penis and testicles abnormally ad min. ished. vote for impotence. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: a thousand points to reggie. 500 to james. 250 to morgan. >> because i don't do fun things with my mouth? [cheers and applause] >> there another round, you know. >> okay. i'll do it later. >> chris: it's time for.ù christmas carols. christmas carols. warm up those vocal chords literally and figuratively because december 20 is go caroling day! good thing no one's sick of the christmas music that's been blasting non-stop since the day after halloween! so instead, we'll celebrate a different kind of carol with our second annual installment of christmas carols. comedians, i'm going to show you pictures of women named carol, and you're going to tell me what you think they want for the holidays. first up, morgan ufrpblg a husband who doesn't die on the honeymoon.
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>> carroll. hris: now beat box. >> boo boo khu. chris: a hundred extra beat box points. next up. what about this carol. james. >> for the grand alignment as told by the elder one. >> chris: points. next one. this carol. reggie. >> for her dog to be her husband. [laughing] >> chris: next one. morgan. >> i think she clearly wants a u-two ss and a y. >> favorite sesame street episode. [laughing] >> chris: oh [beep] points.
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next carol who seems to be enticing little drummer boy to be a little drummer man. there are no carols that young. reggie. >> she just wants a shirt and privacy. >> chris: yes, points. points. >> chris: that's the end of christmas carols. it's christmas week. in the holiday spirit i'm not eliminating anyone this week. i don't give a [beep]. i don't feel it like it. it's christmas. or whatever holiday is inclusive. >> chris: party. >> chris: that means it's time to add a pop of color to your protest. it's "for the win!" the winner of america's got fascism, donald trump, has been called out by several press
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outlets-- but one of the harshest takedowns yet was published this weekend on teen vogue. the magazine for people too young to vote wrote "donald trump is gaslighting america"-- saying trump attempts to "destabilize journalism as a check on the power of government" and also, like, his foundation is wack. this is a pretty big tonal shift from teen vogue's usual fare, like "the cutest crop tops your dad won't let you leave the house in." or the cutest crop tops your dad would like you to leave the house in. so comedians, i want you to follow in teen vogue's footsteps and give us another unexpectedly woke article we might see in another publication. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] hi, i'm paul. i used to ask if you could hear me now with verizon, but i switched to sprint because their network reliability is within 1% of verizon. and get this, sprint has this crazy deal on their new unlimited plan with the 3rd, 4th, and 5th line for free.

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