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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  January 10, 2017 11:00pm-11:32pm PST

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still undefeated. good night. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much, everyone, for tuning in. my guest tonight a wonderful actor and former "the daily show" correspondent aasif mandvi is here, everybody, joining us, here to talk about the new netflix series, "lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events." speaking of unfortunate events -- >> a recently deceased politician's final wishes were honored with a lavish funeral
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procession that included of all things pole dancers. 50 exotic dancers performed on top of multi-colored vehicles for the procession for tunk hsiang, a former city council speaker in taiwan. the politician described his wishes to family in the final days before he died. ( laughter ) >> trevor: just can you look at that? looks like the opening scene for the porn version of "la la land." ( laughter ) like, what is that? i will say this, you've got to give those pole bearers credit. it's not easy to twerk to amazing grace. this is a funeral. which is probably one of the names to have the strippers. up next, the amazing grace! ashraashes to ashes, dust to du, crystal to the main stage for a
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little for a little girl-on-girl mourning! you don't have to honor his dying wishes. if i say when i die have 50 strippers dancing on top of roofs. yeah, yeah, go to sleep. imagine how awkward, everyone at the funeral. ♪ amazing grace and then the stripper walks in and it's, like -- ♪ how sweet the sound ♪ that saved a wretch -- ( laughter ) that's going to be so awkward. i'm going to miss him! ( mock crying ) let's move on, in ten days, donald trump will be inaugurated as the first emperor of the united states. by the way, if trump sees the video of the funeral, his motorcade will have strippers. >> of course they're not wearing anything, all the dress shops are sold out!
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that's why they're naked, folks. so to prepare for the inauguration, tomorrow trump will be working out some of his material. >> tomorrow, donald trump is expected to hold his first news conference since becoming president-elect of the united states. >> the first news conference in more than five months. >> trevor: yes! finally! finally! donald trump is going to give a press conference! he's going to give -- or as he calls it, tweeting out of the mouth. ( laughter ) now, i can understand some people may not think a trump press conference is a big deal, partly because it feels like he never stops talking. if anything, some people are saying, hey, can we just have a press conference of silence? but think about it, we know more about donald trump than we know about most people in power. we know he peevers robert pattonson to kristen stewart, we know he thinks diet coke is a scam, which is really sad. and as of last week, we now know that he calls himself the d.j.t.
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ratings machine. that's a real thing he said. h h ratings machine d.j.t. just think, in another week and a half, that had been president d.j.t. ratings machine. ( laughter ) that's going to be him at the united nations, they will be like, the president angela merkel! the president of the united states! d.j.t. ratings machine! he will come in with the lights bouncing -- wrong! ( laughter ) this is why i'm so excited about the press conference. i don't know if i'm the only one. we don't need more information from donald trump about diet coke. when it comes to matters of geopolitical importance, tweets haven't been enough. >> chicago murder rate is record setting, if mayor can't do it, he must ask for federal help! >> come up with a healthcare
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plan that really works, much less expensive and far better, exclamation point. >> the united states has potential but now it's just a club for people to get together, talk have a good time. so sad! >> north korea said it is in the final stages of developing a nuclear weapon capable of hitting parts of the u.s.? >> trevor: is nine one else concerned? this press conference will be explosive, if you think about it. just think for a moment, it's the most powerful press in the world going up against the most powerful question dodger of all time. yeah, and trump hates the press. forget mexico. forget hillary. forget large door handles. to him, the press is public enany number -- en-- enemy number one. >> the press is lying thieving
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people. >> 70% absolute scum. do we hate the media? >> audience: yes! >> trevor: world star! i actually feel bad for the press because, look, we all think we do a better job in a room than donald trump but it's harder than you think. it's also interesting that trump put it on the same day all his hearings are taking place because he knows you can't look at two things at the same time. but the press, so much pressure on their shoulders. and it's not like you can do any better. let's play a game. i'll play donald trump, and the studio audience, you guys, you can be the crooked media. ♪ ♪ ( laughter )
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( applause ) >> trevor: (mocking trump) okay, first of all, let me just say, everybody, welcome to my press conference. we're doing it now. press, any questions? ask them now. yes, ma'am. >> how can the american people be confident that you don't have any conflicts of interest if you won't release your tax returns? >> trump: okay, first of all, what's your name? >> julie. >> trump: stupid name, a stupid, corrupt, dishonest name, julie. diverse, diverse, if i could do it now. it's gone. i told you in a tweet, that is the problem with the media. did i answer your question, julie? >> no. >> exactly. exactly. because you're stupid. sit down, julie. next question, who's next? >> you've said the u.s.a. says
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the key to terrorism should be sent to gitmo and tried -- >> first of all, what is the accent? where are you from? yeah, guantanamo is totally going to be open and you're going to be in it, my friend, okay? you're going to be in it and you tell all your friends you're going to be in it. next up. who's next? who's next? >> you proposed an ideological test for immigrants. what would be on that test? >> very simple, immigrant comes in, say hey, are you going to blow (bleep) up? if they say yes, we're like, no. go away. okay. and then you go, like, are you sure? >> an and then they're, like, yeah. do you understand what i'm saying? do you understand what i'm saying? that's why you're not president, sit down. all right, folks, that's all we've got time for today. we'll be right back, folks. no more questions!
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how can anyone hate alien graffiti. people hate on gun control they're inventing new ways to do it. >> gun violence is destroying communities all over america especially in streets like these. i'm lost trying to find applebys. but right here in new york there is an anti-gun kingpin that's got these mother (bleep) running scared so i'm going undercover to talk to this woman who thinks she has the secret to stopping gun violence. >> our culture is saturated with guns and the violence is only grown worse. in new yorkers against gun violence, we decided to do something. >> what did your group do? >> got rid of the gun emoji. >> that's it? >> yes. >> this lady bugged apple until they replaced the gun emoji with a water gun emoji. >> it's a picture of a gun. >> yes, it is: the whole point was to elevated the issue. >> you looked at all the gun
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problems in the world and said what can i solve that's not one of those. >> the symbolism is important. the symbols, the images of guns are pervasive. even the pixar movies. woody with the gun, buzz lightyear. >> buzz lightyear has a laser. >> right. >> he's lasering mother (bleep). >> not only mother (bleep) but every year 33,000 americans on average are killed by guns. >> all right, maybe these symbols are important but not everybody is happy about the gun emoji crackdown. the white millennials are pissed off. >> the gun emoji is my favorite and now it's a water gun. i'm passionate about schooling ammo out of a real gun, now i can't express it. >> why not just write the word "gun." >> i want to -- >> type gun. >> -- to talk about a gun. >> type the word gun. >> it's just -- >> just type -- type the word gun. >> i like to use cartoons.
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>> (bleep) millennials. turns out, you can still get gun emojis on the black market. and if anybody knows the black market it's my man michael k. williams because he has a show called black market with michael k. williams. >> what up, man? >> you got the guns? >> yeah. >> you got 'em from germany, russia? >> the app store. >> from the app store? >> yeah. >> turns out you can get gun emojis in the app store but is issue is some of these people didn't want to pay the comasht taint 99-cent fee. >> it violates our second amendment right. >> how? >> our founding fathers advocated for people to express themselves free. >> i'll be a founding phat around you explain the gun emoji issue. >> i was updating my phone and found out apple -- >> just that wretched demon object.
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burn it immediately. this is crazy! >> it's a good thing the founding fathers didn't have smartphones, all they do is text their slaves. one thing is for sure, gun emojis aren't the only images leah is trying to mess with. you are telling me we need to get rid of these like the gun emoji. >> no, it's fine. >> but it's the symbol of a gun. >> is this a symbol of gun violence? you're literally concealing gun between your first and last name. >> the name of a scottish clan, so i wear it with pride. >> they've got the clan in scotland? >> the clan. >> the clan got guns. >> no. >> don't say clan. i don't have time for this (bleep). this clan lady thinks gun emojis are getting people killed in the
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street. they were invetted for people too drunk to type words. >> emojis have fun with pictures but have meanings. >> trevor: if i wanted to say fat booty i say peach. >> yes. >> trevor: everybody knows eggplant means penis. even knows pine app is when you (bleep). and two friends walk in and (bleep). >> the pineapple? >> trevor: it might be grape. the gun emoji isn't coming back too soon. it's real in the streets. battle rages on. oh! applebys! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everybody. everybody. we'll be right back.
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>> trevor: welcome back. tonight's guest stars in netflix's "lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events." please welcome aasif mandvi! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ we can withum, sir. >> how -- >> trevor: welcome, sir. this is so much fun. >> thank you, exciting to be here. >> trevor: you are a man named aasif mandvi. >> i am. >> trevor: a muslim man. how excited are you? ten days, buddy, then you're out. >> yes, then we're done! i'm gone! >> trevor: are you a little afraid? >> i'm excited. i'm excited. i really feel like this is a time, the first time where i feel like i will get trolled by the president of the united states on twitter, if i just keep trying hard enough.
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so i'm excited about that. >> trevor: you're not worried about because if he trolls you and he trolls you in other ways. >> like in a drone troll. >> trevor: like shooting down tweets. >> i know. >> trevor: but we joke about these things, but on the real, though, what i've really appreciated is, for instance, in the "new york times," you have been really vocal, great op-eds, talking from especially a culture side, being a muslim person living in america with a president who's coming in with an administration that says we're not pro muslim. honestly, though, from your side, you know, like, what are you planning. >> trevor: do you even have an idea. >> trevor: do you think he won't follow through? >> i don't know. i feel like -- i sort of -- you know, i look at trump and i think, well, a lot of what he says, you know, it was about getting elected. >> trevor: yeah. >> i think a lot of the people
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who voted for him are going to be incredibly disappointed when he does not follow through on a lot of those things. >> trevor: it's the first president that will be more successful if he doesn't follow through on any of his policies. >> i know. >> trevor: i love lemony snicket. it's fun to see you in that. you're playing a character in that? >> montgomery montgomery. >> trevor: you have to say it twice. >> yes, a herpetologist. >> trevor: we have a clip here. >> montgomeryy, our parents never mentioned you. >> really? >> really. >> dr. montgomery montgomery? >> renowned scientists? herpetologist? that is astonishing. follow me. now, your parents and i
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practically grew up together. i can't believe your parents never told you about me. i love them dealer. look, here's a picture of us. >> there's no one inside the picture. >> we were locked inside the piano. oh, we were so young. ( applause ) >> trevor: i like that. >> like the mustache? >> trevor: i do. why don't you rock that in real life? >> it was so much fun to wear that mustache. originally, they wanted to have the whole beard, but we ended up with just the mustache, and just playing with the squiggly parts. >> trevor: question, did you have to keep that mustache and walk around in life with that. >> i did. people did not recognize me when i had the wig and the mustache on. i would, like, facetime my dad and he was, like, hello? ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man! please tell me you didn't tell him who you were. ( laughter ) i think it's funny if you were
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just like, montgomery montgomery! i'm calling you to talk about aasif mandvi! ( laughter ) i was particularly intrigued by the conversations you were having with a lot of tv producers about the roles muslims play on television in america because you are a muslim actor and i'm certain you have been requested many times to play terrorist number three, number two or even the guy with the name. >> right. sometimes the guy with the name. >> trevor: yes. >> or usually it's the same name, ahmed. >> trevor: right. >> usually that name. ( laughter ) >> trevor: is that something you struggle with as an actor? >> yeah, especially coming up in the business, there were roles where i would read them and i was literally, like, if i play this part, everybody in my family is going to hate me. it was -- in fact, i think i once said to a producer or a writer when i went to an audition, i said, i'm glad
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you've written a character of a muslim person here, but it's a shame to me that you've never actually met a muslim person, because nobody ever talks like this or says things like this. >> trevor: damn. ( applause ) >> and, so, needless to say, i did not get that part. but, you know, there's been a lot of that, and i think, now, we see more people, you know, muslim people, south asians who are creating content, telling our story, telling the perspective of america that is not just through the lens of white caucasan men, you know? ( applause ) >> trevor: you have some really exciting stuff coming up. what do you think excites you the most about what you're trying to work on for the future? >> well, i've got a couple of projects i'm in development with, one show for showtime
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about a fatwa, about a guy who gets a fatwa, which is, if any of you know what that is, it's a death threat -- >> trevor: yes. >> -- but this is a comedy about a cartoonest who gets a fatwa and the fatwa turns out to be the greatest thing that ever happens to him. >> trevor: a cartoonist who gets a fatwa. >> for drawing a cartoon but it's a comedy. >> trevor: i'm not going to ask you what the cartoon was. >> we never see the cartoon. >> trevor: i'm glad because that's how (bleep) goes down. >> i know. >> trevor: really exciting. thanks for joining us. we appreciate it. >> thanks a lot. >> trevor: "lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events," launches on netflix friday january 13! aasif mandvi, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ um, i can't have happen what happened last time...
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(♪) ahem... here's my card. i'm sure you know your profits are down 8%. so, just let me know if you want to change that. ♪ i believe in you! break through!, break through!
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it's not just a car... it's your daily retreat. go ahead, spoil yourself. the es and es hybrid. this is the pursuit of perfection. officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. woo hoo! over you to you tom! things have gone totally around the bend.
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c'mmon boys! rarin' to go! because of new doritos mix, there is boldness everywhere. [robotic voice: doritos!] i quit! has the world gone completely bold? new doritos mix. four snacks in one. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> vice president elect mike pence and family have landed in washington, d.c. also making the flight the family's pets, that included the two cats or owe and pickle.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, but i'm just telling you that to distract you from the controversy that's happening right now on @midnight! we're days away from the end of obama's presidency, something - - are you aware we're getting a new president soon? you don't pay attention to the news. but what's "hussein in the membrane" got planned now that he won't be busy pardoning turkeys 24/7? well, according to "billboard," obama made an offhand remark to the ambassador to sweden that he's "still waiting for his job at spotify," the well-known streaming service that informs your friends you were listening to papa roach. well, obama's quip inspired spotify c.e.o. daniel elk to tweet: "hey @barackobama, i heard you were interested in a role at spotify.

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