tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central January 11, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PST
making money. all my life i did well, and my father always said everything he touches turns to gol comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ) comedy central [cheers and applause] ♪ >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. until then, enjoy the poetic cadence of today's online hits. the internet lost its (/ bleep/) last night over some salacious new gossip about our president-elect donald trump. the explosive leak is unverified. we don't know if it's true. we were working when this broke and i didn't really get all the details, but i don't see the big deal. everyone loves golden girls! what's the problem. especially -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: what's the big deal. right.
if they're peeing on you, even better. [ applause ] >> chris: then at a press conference this morning, trump revealed via catchphrase that his sons will be running his companies. >> i hope at the end of eight years i will say, i hope you did a good job. if not i will say, you're fired. >> chris: ahhh. the thing he said on the thing. [laughing] he also promised reporters his inauguration will be "very very elegant." instead of popular a-listers and artists that millions of people would be interested in seeing, his planner said he will be surrounded with "soft sensuality." a soft sensuality, like a nice dinner at home or a trump family at home with the huckabees. so comedians, with all of this craziness surrounding our golden leader, how exactly is trump's inauguration going to be elegant? emily? >> he will swear in a solid gold
bible in christ alz. the size of a saer cereal box yt at a diner so his little hand looks really big. >> chris: nice. tpha *t. >> it will smell like the finest asparagus. >> chris: yes, rhys. >> thanks, everybody. chris: i'm sorry it must of been hard for you to start talking from that thunderous applause. [laughing] >> good four years ahead of us. i think this large red button will launch my fireworks display. [laughing] >> chris: okay. next up -- amazon knows women want to look good working out and eating so they have gym to brunch.
these are clothes that let you go straight from listening to adele on a treadmill at bally's totes to doing white-wine butt chugs at some froofroo restaurant with all your other white wine butt-chuggin' brunch chick buddies. now i know what the internet is thinking... why won't amazon do this for men? wahhh! what about men. when is our time? that was all sarcastic. well, that's because the men's gym to brunch category would look like this. similar to this. [laughing] >> the hulk. chris: ya, ya. you know you mil millennials. #notmyhulk. this is my hulk. most guys are not gym to anyone. they're brunch to buffalo wild wings. comedians, what are some other amazon clothing categories we might see for guys? emily? >> first of all my gym to brunch is frebreeze in the crotch of my
day two yoga pants. [laughing] >> it's fun being relatable. no, i would say for dudes i don't know ex hamster to porn hub. >> chris: yes. matt kirshen. >> lick a stool to the middle of a tree. >> chris: yes. rhys. >> dickhead to leader of the free world. [ applause ] >> chris: points out that had. >> we can all do it. [laughing] >> chris: he has proven that. ithere was a time when a kid sad i want to be president some day. dad is like, be realistic. now it's like [beep] it. why not. >> you want to be that. >> chris: next, the green mountin' state. when i say vermont you probably think of fall leaves or dairy pastures or bernie sanders yelling at snowboarders in an organic bookstore or two middle aged millionaire ice cream hippies getting gay married in a coat factory, or you might think of vermont's most important
product: maple syrup. thank you for saying it with me. [laughing] which is why it's so surprisig that their logo is so poorly done. comedians, what's wrong with the state of vermont's maple syrup logo? a. it looks like it has a dick b. they accidentally use a pot leaf instead of a maple leaf. c. there's a typo that reads "maple syria." what could it be, emily fleming? >> it really looks like a dick. >> the question says what is wrong with it though. >> i thought you said what is right with it. >> chris: emily, i like to think of myself as a dream maker on the program. yes the correct answer is a. zoom in on that. there it is. ya. as you can clearly see it -- depicts a ninja turtle with letting themself go dripping with syphilis into a picket
fence. >> that's chris hardwick doing the weather after dark. >> chris: i think the meet i don't remember logicaidon't rem. drippy and you should be fine for the weekend after a clear up. >> that's the hulk. [laughing] >> chris: points. yes, the hulk's dick, i understand why he's angry. that's the end of rapid refresh. let's look in at our scoreboards co-host of the "probably science" podcast available on itunes, it's matt kirshen. performing at picture this! at the virgil in los angeles january 19th, it's emily fleming. wth 500 points. back on the program! [cheers and applause]
>> chris: with 400 points from voltron on netflix, performing rhys darby's saying funny things society at largo in los angeles february 15th, it's rhys darby. [cheers and applause] >> how did these points get in here? >> chris: how? >> yes. chris: it's magic. there is a house elf that casts a spell and sends magic points from your package i can tablet to your package i can hreb magi. >> rhys thinks it's all magic. >> we invented magic, mother [beep] >> chris: now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] nothing ruined christmas last year more than hatchimals. well, maybe the trump thing.
maybe celebrities dying, but hatchimals come out of an egg, just like salmonella, and for most kids they were a bigger disappointment than their parents getting divorced. but can't aren't responsible for the hatchables, though. but kids are dumb, right? kids don't know dick about (/ bleep/ ). so let's get revenge for all those dumb disappointed kids with tonight's hashtag, #ruinatoy. examples: "horny horny hippos, [laughing] >> chris: or -- "poop chutes and ladders." at matt would say in his country. poop, snakes, and ladders. >> thank you. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. starting now! emily. >> american girl voodoo doll. >> rubik's pubes. [laughing] >> chris: the more i stweuft them the harder it gets.
come on. matt kirshen. >> nicorette patch kids. chris: points. emily. >> polly pocket pussy. chris: yes. >> neo yahtzee. [laughing] >> chris: god damn it. [laughing] >> chris: that has just been sitting there for years. matt. >> sorry, this doesn't usually happen to me. >> chris: points. emily. >> lorana bop it. it's -- if you lose it cuts your dick off. >> chris: points. matt. >> hepatitis c monkey. [laughing] >> chris: emily. >> pokemon go to the polls. chris: yes. rhys darby. >> fix, operation. chris: yes, points. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #ruinatoy and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight.
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cascade. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play this is my life now. good i'm glad you're excited. even though you don't know what tis is. the subreddit "this is my life now" is filled with pictures and gifs of people stuck in unfortunate situations that prove that, no matter how bad you think your life is, somebody else's life is worse and there funnier. comedians, i'm gonna show you some people and or animals stuck in various private hells and for 250 points i want you to tell me what they are telling themselves
to get through it. first, let's start with this gif of a kid stuck in the toilet. what's this kid thinking? [laughing] (ahhhs) >> chris: emily. >> you put your right to the in. you take your right foot out. [beep] >> chris: yes, points. very good. matt. >> i claim this is a number two kid. i think he's thinking, i just heard my mom is out there enjoying the prom. >> chris: yes, points. yes. >> well done. chris: -- boy, i really didn't know i was pregnant. i really had no idea. >> like the soap is there as well. hygiene is important. >> chris: also i'm not entirely convinced this isn't someone else's foot.
>> oh, yes. chris: that is very -- serious contortionism going on there. next up, how about this cow so close to freedom. sweet sweet freedom. so close. >> i tell you don't both of us feel like this every god damn day. go into the office from 9-5, the same dead end job. >> chris: emily. >> does this fence make me look fat. >> chris: points. points. matt. >> i think he's saying, i don't care what the other cows say this doesn't improve masturbation. >> chris: i would say he's on the fence about it. come on you guys. come on. >> chris: rhys darby. >> it's my fault i take a fence too easily. >> chris: points, points. well played. very well played.
>> chris: next one, how about this girl covered in pigeons. rhys. >> why do birds -- suddenly appear. [laughing] >> -- every time i sit down. chris: yes, points. very good. next up this dog with it's head stuck in a chair. [laughing] >> chris: maybe, maybe the dog is in heaven right now. maybe the dog is in pure ecstasy. emily. >> bring on the birds. chris: it's the perfect dog crime. [laughing] >> chris: next, how about this pussy buried in chicks? come on. ahhh, i like the audience doesn't know how to feel about this. rhys. >> why do birds suddenly appear -- >> chris: very good.
matt. >> you know how hot dogs are like lips and assholes. this is how peeps are made. >> chris: finally, what's this runway model telling herself to ease the pain of her shame? >> i keep telling them the clothes they're giving me are too heavy. >> chris: points. rhys. >> i just want to live in a pineapple under the sea. [laughing] >> that's all i want to do. chris: points. matt. >> now i have the mona lisa. i just have to sneak past the guards. >> chris: very good. it's time for our live challenge, i've got a bad museum about this. [cheers and applause] living in los angeles can be a pain. there's the traffic, the smog and having to use the bathroom after gwyneth paltrow destroys it with one of her kale juice
cleanse mega-dumps. but it'll all soon be worth it because star wars creator george lucas is opening up a museum in exposition park. l.a. beat out san francisco and chicago for the museum, which, judging by the concept art, was modeled after something you find in your mom's nightstand that she insists is just a "back massager." stop digging around in there. the important thing is this museum feets great on your clit. comedians, i want you to give me a line you might hear on the tour at a star wars museum. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] helps keep me feeling dry,
how will they know i worked hard? i've gotta make stuff harder. ♪ there, that's hard. ♪ water. every day women around the world spend millions of hours just collecting it. stella artois has partnered with us at water.org to help provide access to clean water to women and their families in the developing world. we can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. what do you want to be remembered for? ♪ new girl, huh? yeah, i'm -- i couldn't help but notice you checking out my name your price tool. yeah, this bad boy gives you coverage options based on your budget. -oh -- -oh, not so fast, tadpole. you have to learn to swim first.
@midnight. before the break i told you that star wars creator george lucas is opening a museum in l.a. and asked you to give me a line from the tour. let's see what you came up with. rhys darby, let's start with you. >> for those wearing the matching black and white helmets please remember to duck as we leave the corridor. >> chris: points. emily. >> to your right you see admiral akbars escape route. don't go in there, it's a trap. >> chris: that's a real line from the tour. matt. >> welcome to the george lucas museum. a enormous impengable structure. but as you see the whole place blows up if you throw a tampon in the toilet. >> chris: explained there. real nice story behind that, matt. >> thank you, chris. chris: i have to give a thousand points to matt. 500 to emily and rhys.
to the next game don't smoke'em if you got'em. [cheers and applause] on this date in 1964, the u.s. surgeon general told the public for the first time that tobacco may be hazardous to your health. before then, the only acknowledged side-effects of smoking were that they made you look cool and (beep) anything that moves. in the past, cigarettes were smoked to relieve headaches, ward off disease, and of course, protect your throat from irritation and coughing. there it is, right there. >> oh, jesus. chris: it keeps you warm. comedians, sometimes science is a real buzzkill, so i want you to come up with as many bad things people used to think were good for them as you can. in 60 seconds begin. >> sugar lose weight one limb at a time. >> chris: points. matt. >> mercury the metal you can drink. >> chris: points. rhys darby. >> whiskey makes you a more
relaxed driver. >> chris: points. emily. >> pray the pregnant away. chris: points. emily. >> nuclear power i give it throw thumbs up. >> chris: points. rhys. >> they use to say bees were good for a beard. >> chris: no one has ever said that. >> but they're not. chris: -- in the guinness book of world records. >> everyone hates bee beards. chris: maybe in new zealand but not here. >> born there, the bee beards. chris: points to rhys darby. >> punching a rattlesnake earns it's respect. >> football makes your brain stronger. [laughing] >> chris: points. that is the end of don't smoke'em if you got'em. i don't feel like eliminating anyone today. we're taking everyone. it's a good group. everyone is noise.
[ applause ] >> chris: that means it's time to say bye-rock o-bye-ma, it's for the win! [cheers and applause] president obama delivered his farewell address last night, which included a tearful thank you to his wife michelle, and a request to joe biden to stop doing the wave. [laughing] >> chris: guess where this finger has been. thousands of people online said goodbye to obama, but our favorite came from drake, the lovable who looks like a depressed wooly willy. [laughing] >> chris: sad. emo. drake wrote this on instagram: "as a canadian that calls america home for part of the year i will always carry your words and the memory of your time in office with me as inspiration. big up yaself o." so nice! but for some reason, he also posted this unsettling mash-up of him and the
president. >> ahhh. >> it's half and half as well. chris: it's a little out. you know at the farewell address for "drake obama," people chant -- give me a historic quote from president drake obama. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. helps keep me feeling dry, how will they know i worked hard? i've gotta make stuff harder. ♪ there, that's hard. ♪
haha, what? why would i wear a wire? geico. because saving fifteen percent or more on car insurance is always a great answer. almost as long as it took me to master this look.er. ♪ still practicing. it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. there's more behind the star. ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]
>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i showed you this disturbing instagram mash-up of drake and barack, and i asked you to give me a quote from president badrake obama. let's see what you wrote. first one ... four scores and seven years ago we started from the bottom and now we lear. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two ... they use to call this the security oval office phone up night when you needed me to blow up something in syria. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: or last one ... last man care act, first name affordable. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number one? matt kirshen has won the internet today.
you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! is we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be jamie lee, brian moses and michelle buteau. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #ruinatoy and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. be nice to each other. goodnight! ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ (humming) are you about to brush your teeth? yeah. why? no reason. (giggles) (laughs) what's so funny? eh, nothing. wait a minute.