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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 16, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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and started following them in real life. no! and kept following... ...everywhere. wow, okay. boundaries, michael... boundaries. hey, mike. 'sup? oh... tostitos. bring the party. tonight, thank you again for tuning in, "@midnight" coming up next, now here it is, your moment of zen. >> i just want to do god's will. and he is allowed me to go up to the mountain. and i have looked over and i have seen the promise land. i may not get get there with you, but i want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promise lan
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. today is martin luther king jr. day. i don't think i could say anything that would live up to his legacy in any way. but he was courageous and uncompromising, and i think, above all, he believed in justice, and we can all strive for that. and if you haven't read his words or watched him speak, do yourself a favor and do that today. they're as powerful as ever. tributes have been all over social media today, like this tweet honoring king and his "incredible career fighting for civil rights," using an excerpt from king's letter from a birmingham jail: "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." wonderful quote. and who tweeted that? oh.
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the f.b.i. the f.b.i. yes, the same f.b.i. who spent years spying on and blackmailing m.l.k. because their director and constipated bullfrog in a miniskirt j. edgar hoover called dr. king "the most notorious liar in the country?" the only that would be crazier is when mel gibson tweeted "happy hanukkah, sugar (/ bleep/ )." so comedians, in light of this m.l.k. tweet from the fbi, who what is another surprise reversal tweet the f.b.i. might send out? john hodgman. >> anthony winger, cool dong, dude. [laughing] >> pretty cool dong. chris: chris. not just cool dong. cool dong, dude.
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eugene mirman. >> where do you want your landery, vladimir put un. >> chris: josie long. >> hey, you did just a good job faking the land moonings. [laughing] >> chris: alright. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up, cheer up. today is the third monday of january, which is blue monday. it's the most depressing day of the year, according to an equation where you add desperate journalists out of ideas to a deadline. the thin blue premise is that we're depressed because the weather is bad, we're broke from the holidays, and we've ditched our resolutions. but don't sweat it, because like most of what you read on the internet, turns out it's fake. unless of course the debunking turns out to be fake. i just can't tell anymore! what is real and not real. it's a hall of mirrors and we're swearing at it. either way this [beep] hates
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mondayed. am i right. he can't even with the mondays. so comedians let's do real good in this crazy mixed-up world and cheer garfield up. eugene. >> garfield, have lasagna. the rate of hiv is decreasing in several countries. >> chris: a seb bra tory l lasagna. >> you're a cat that can speak english and walk like a human. take the wind, man. >> my fork went through my pancakes, now what. >> chris: why is my pancake shaped like mr. peanut. >> millennials. chris: ya. next, smells like teen plasma. the internet is always trying to make you feel old by pointing out how long it's been since bennifer or rugrats or sars, but finally there's a way to feel young again: the blood of teens. thanks to a new start-up, you can now pump a young person's blood into your veins, unlike
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-- ma'am, your mouth is literally agape with horror. unlike most teenagers' fluids, which are pumped into socks. [laughing] >> chris: our poor moms. why only utilities one sock. where are you going. the $8,000 transfusions have not yet been proven to actually do anything, but proponents claim they could boost muscle strength, slow down aging, and significantly increase how often you blow harry styles. the treatment is based on some inconclusive studies with mice, as well as an m. night shyamalan spec script and some slayer album art. so comedians, what is a tagline for this new service? hodgman. >> fresh teen blood, when injecting baby brains into your eyeballs is not enough. >> chris: very good. anyone else? mimirman.
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>> fresh teenage blood for the price of a used toyota corolla. >> chris: points. josie long. >> guys we [beep] with mice this. is totally reliable. give us $1000. [laughing] >> chris: they should just say, that be honest. by the way what children are they pumping this blood out of? what are they telling them. >> you told me i could choose a member of the audience. >> chris: yes. >> i want her blood! [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh let's check the scoreboard. with 400 points we have josie long on the program. >> thank you, very much.
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[ applause ] >> chris: with three hundred points it's john hodgman. [cheers and applause] from "hold on with eugene mirman" on audible.com, it's eugene mirman. with 400 points. [cheers and applause] and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] this coming saturday will be e 228th anniversary of "the power of sympathy: or, the triumph of nature," the first american novel with the first two american book titles because some in device i remember saddle-idled writer couldn't get his (/ bleep/ ) together. the novel tells the story of an incestuous seduction that ends in disease, depression and death, so it's a perfect read --
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examples: "guns, germs, and guns" and "waffle house five." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now! mirman. >> a brief history of hammer time. >> fahrenheit 451, suck is sells just. >> fahrenheit 420 smoke weed every day. >> chris: very good. mirman. >> eat, pray. that's it. >> chris: points. hodgman. >> make narnia great again. >> scott bayowolf. chris: hodgman. >> william faulk neer's the fast and the furry. >> chris: points. josie long. >> as i lay dying -- because trump stole my house -- >> chris: eugene mirman. >> are you there, the rock, it's me margaret. >> chris: yes, josie.
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>> james and the apple bee fortune. >> chris: very good. hodgman. >> -- kwa they'dian, kardashian. chris: josie. >> it's like, no, you will see! chris: points. very good. >> chris: very good. >> i was trying. chris: i like it. [ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #makeabookamerican and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. [cheers and applause] our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @nanonovels. well done! hi, i'm paul. i switched to sprint for their network and now i have the best unlimited plan with data, talk, and text.
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if old sphow will theyense helps know i worked hard?, i've gotta make stuff harder. ♪ there, that's hard. ♪
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[cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i'm going to be performing the nerdist podcast live at sketchfest on saturday january 21st at 10:00 p.m. at the curran theater in san francisco. it'll be me and jonah ray and matt mira, and our special guest nathan fillion! tickets and info are available at sfsketchfest.com, hope to see you there. and now it's time to play she funded me with science. [cheers and applause] >> chris: she funded me with science. kickstarter has funded tons of amazing art, video games, and innovative products, but did you also know it can also be used to fund science projects by crazy people? it's true! i'm going to show you a kickstarter project from the world of science.ù excuse me, "science," and for 250 points you're going to answer a question about it. first up, a television pilot proposal from self-described "psychic warrior," michael telestarr. >> hi my name is michael telstar. i'm a remote viewer. who is a remote viewer.
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someone transing through time and space and bringing back information. [laughing] >> chris: do you think he jumped ahead to see he didn't meet the funding rekwaoeurpls. comedians, since michael claims he can see into time what do you think is in his future? mirman. >> i believe he will be kicked out of his pinking floyd cover band. >> chris: points. [laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: mr. hodgman. >> some day in the future he will go out to buy funyons, and the family in his basement will escape. >> chris: josie. >> i think murdered by meth dealers. >> chris: get right too it. simple. >> -- believes in them. chris: you gave him a shot. >> he's dead. [ applause ]
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>> chris: next up, a line of quantum jewelry that wasn't funded, despite a very alluring advertising campaign. >> by increasing the body's electrical potential it raises vibrations. you are probably wondering how -- [laughing] >> chris: uhhhh. comedians, what's a tagline for this very captivating product? josie. >> hey, my electro imag electrod is up here. right here. [ applause ] >> chris: points. hodgman. >> motor boat the cosmos. chris: yes, points. [ applause ] >> chris: mirman. >> stand up to ten thousand man made orgasms. [laughing]
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>> it's true every one is lovely handcrafted. >> chris: enjoy that. [laughing] >> yes. chris: man made is implied. i like when you say it out like that. >> ya. >> ya. chris: aou dean said something to me. i don't know if you remember this. it was like 15 years ago. i don't know we were in a bar. we were talking about, i'm sure you were writing a joke. you were talking about your dick and say, think of a baby's dick now double that. [laughing] >> i don't know if that ever made it into anything. [laughing] >> chris: you mean the joke or the -- >> ya. chris: okay, good. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: next one you ever want to know what your pet is trying to tell you? you can now with this amazing new app. >> i'm so hungry. chris: i hope [beep] that's not the way my dog -- [laughing] >> chris: i want to lick my balls, i don't [beep] care. comedians, how does this incredible technology work? >> it channels your loneliness in a new energy source. >> chris: josie. >> it doesn't work. it's not a real dog. >> chris: you have a point. that's the end of she funded me with science. it's time for, coming to the stage.
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it's time for our live challenge, coming to the stage. the inauguration is mere days away and no one is prepping harder for the event than washington, d.c. area strip clubs. jug joints all across the city are preparing for the deluge of horned-up republicans by offering extended hours, food specials, and strippers who will whisper: "mmmm, if i got pregnant, i'd carry the baby to term." [laughing] >> chris: also -- ya. [ applause ] also, stop by d.c.'s all male review at lincoln's log and they'll make sure your credit card statement shows your wife you spent $800 at "heterosexy's straight bar and grille." comedians, what's an announcement you might hear from a strip club dj during the inauguration? we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause]
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how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. if old sphow will theyense helps know i worked hard?, i've gotta make stuff harder. ♪ there, that's hard. ♪
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you ways that washington, d.c. area strip clubs are preparing for the inauguration and i asked you to give me an announcement you might hear at said strip club. let's set the mood and see what you came up with. eugene mirman. [cheers and applause] >> coming next to the stage, the very sticky and delicious john bonar. [cheers and applause] >> no, paul ryan. chris: josie. >> okay i will do this as english as i can. just a reminder. don't touch the performers. because it may count as a gynological exam and women are not allowed to get healthcare. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. hodgman. >> this is amanda and her
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amazing whistling volva. oh would the owner of the prius in the parking lot with the coexist sticker report to the deportation center. and now the comedy of john hodgman. >> chris: alright. >> it's a dig. a gig. >> chris: good. a thousand points to josie. 500 to eugene and hodgman. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for fake news. donald trump has been under fire lately, with several prominent news organizations reporting on the president-elect's alleged involvement with pee-pee and poo-poo. [cheers and applause] >> sitting right this the entire time. >> chris: you know. and trump, being the totally secure, not-at-all emotional guy he is, has been firing back on twitter with his now trademark, all-caps phrase "fake news."
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he even used it to blast cnn at last week's press conference. >> can you give us a question. >> don't -- i'm not going to give you a question. i are fake news. >> chris: of course cnn is fake! no real person would ever name a child "wolf." that's made up. comedians, since there seems to be such an epidemic of fake news, let's help the president-elect out: i'm gonna show you a headline, and you tell me how you can tell that it's fake news. first up, "house speaker paul ryan proves he knows how to dab." josie. >> fake. he's just doing a side ways hitler salute. >> chris: side ways. [ applause ] >> chris: next one, "toby keith, 3 doors down to perform at trump inauguration." josie. >> no, someone called keith who is performing three doors down from the inauguration. [ applause ] [cheers and applause]
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>> definitely fake. three doors down died forty years ago in a fire. >> on this very day. >> chris: next, "kendall jenner shows off her body in sexy bikini snaps." >> bikini snaps are the least sexy girlscout cookie. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. >> everyone knows this. >> chris: next one, "obama welcomes world series champion chicago cubs." mir man. >> fakes those are all stay at home moms. >> chris: points. that is the end of fake news. it's monday. and i just don't feel like -- i feel like being positive. i don't want to eliminate anyone today. i'm preparing you. in february we're doing a week of live shows.
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mother [beep]s will get eliminated right and left. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to run away from home and not join the circus, it's for the win! "the ringling brothers" and "barnum and bailey circus" is closing its flaps for good. yes, the "greatest show on earth," famous for simultaneously boring and terrifying little children for 146 years, has decided to stop jamming all those poor clowns into tiny cars and release all their elephants, carneys, and acrobats back into society or the wild, where they will surely die -- lack the skills to survive. a lot of hard working animals would be out of a job. comedians, i want you to update a linkedin profile from an unemployed circus performer looking for work. this can include animals, this can include animals, ringmasters, clowns, carneys or
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this can include animals, ringmasters, clowns, carneys or oh, look! we've got fees ew, really? oh, it's our verizon bill look at them. line access fee, administrative fees, there are even taxes on top of them decent people shouldn't have to live like this (slaps "fee" off dad's head) did i get it? t-mobile ends surprise fees and taxes that's right, with t-mobile one, taxes and fees are now included 4 lines, 40 bucks each. all unlimited, all in. learn more at a t-mobile store. (cat meows) ♪ (snap) ♪ (cat meows) sheba® perfect portions™. what cats want™ they said it was impossible to have great-tboom.g light beer. award-winning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops.
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they also said it was impossible to hypnotize you. you're getting sleepy... watch the beer! ♪ the goalie has studied every one of your shots. she knows you're going for her left corner. she even teases you, calling the shot. but her legs are the ones trembling, not yours. time to shine. orbit. if old sphow will theyense helps know i worked hard?, i've gotta make stuff harder. ♪ there, that's hard. ♪ i checked, everything's there...
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wait a minute... hey... hold on, i can explain. you better have a good answer... switch to geico and you could save a ton of money on your car insurance. why didn't you say so in the first place? i thought you's was wearing a wire. haha, what? why would i wear a wire? geico. because saving fifteen percent or more on car insurance is always a great answer. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i told you about "ringling brothers" and "barnum and bailey circus" folding up its tent and going away after 146 years and also good riddance.

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