tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central January 18, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PST
>> at my core, i think we're going to be okay. we just have to fight for it, we have to work for it and not take it it for granted. and i know that you will help us to do that thank you very much, press corps. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. here's the latest contradicting information on the web that'll eventually lead to the demise of all your most cherished relationships. president-elect donald trump will take office immediately and heading off vacation this weekend, but he's already got his eye on 2020. in an interview with the "washington post," trump said he's looking to copyright his next campaign slogan, which is not just "dasvidaniya american comrades!" in 2020 he plans to run with "keep america great," showing just how confident he is that there will still be an america in four years. but people online were quick to
point out that they'd heard that phrase somewhere before. oh, yes. yes, keep america great was the tagline for the third installment of "the purge," but -- election year. but at least donald has a consistent vision for this country. so comedians, since the d-bag might need to change his motto, what's another movie-inspired slogan for donald trump's 2020 campaign? brian. >> you want the truth. i can't handle the truth. >> chris: very good. points. very good. erin gibson. >> i'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to not get us in a war with china. >> chris: points, points. [ applause ] >> chris: judah friedlander. >> totto, we're not in kansas we're in canada. >> chris: points. >> chris: next up, "cheesecake olfactory." people come up to me all the time and say "chris, what could possibly make virtual reality
porn better?" and i say, "imagine if you could actually smell the inside of the bang bus!" well, don't act like you don't know what it is. now you can, and i can tell you it smells slightly better than a regular bus. the new "ohroma" virtual reality sensory mask -- you see where this is going. it pumps in smells you migh experience during actual sectioning. smells like private parts, body odor, panties, axe body spray, tacos, and new car smell. that new car smell! it's barely street legal. but don't take my word for it, here's california's legendary james b!
ya you heard right. "you smell panties, breasts, and even their skin. it smells so real you feel like you're actually there and totally forget where you are watching from." well, you might forget, but everybody else at the public library won't! [ applause ] comedians, what are some other things virtual reality could do to make porn more realistic? >> chris: judah. >> true love. chris: nice. >> beautiful. chris: erin. >> this is just as classy. accidentalqueef'ing. we're on the same page. >> is there intentional queefing. >> ya. chris: they can. brian safi. >> a post-sex level.
after the sex you watch netflix together and hold in your farts. >> chris: or queef. [ applause ] next: sym-bowl-ism. tokyo, of course, won the right to host the next olympics-- narrowly beating out other qualified hosts for 2020 like: istanbul, madrid and hugh downs. tokyo won because the other three have been dogged by alleged human rights violations. in preparation for the influx of foreign visitors to tokyo for the 2020 games, the j.s.e.i.a., which obviously stands for the and they came up with a guide to help tourists interpret their electronic space toilets with diagrams for what each dumper button does. sometimes their are pictures and you don't know. now i'm filled with water, the seat is lifting, now it's launching me into space. this makes is less confusing. comedians, some of these don't seem any more helpful, so please pick a symbol and tell us what it actually means. erin gibson. >> the lower right.
ya, that's for when you don't know you're pregnant and you poop out a baby. [laughing] >> you know you're like others i'm pregnant -- oops aoeuplg pregnant. >> i like the second one on the top. that's exactly for when you want a woman to sit on you and you're also an airies. >> chris: pointses. very good. judah. >> the bottom row, second one from the right looks like, you know instructions for how to finish a bowel movement during a tornado. >> chris: points. yes, very important. an f5. this one i can't figure out. this one feels sort of farty. hot air. this is self explanatory. this is the button that allows trump to pee on your tits. i think that's what that says.
i think that's what that says. >> chris: next: "ten minute ahabs." moby dick's restaurant in vancouver is suing the local building council for making them change their name. apparently the word "dick" is offensive to assholes. it's a [beep] book. a famous book. not obscure but famous literally work. the council claimed that a business having "dick" in the name could hurt property values, and "violate city laws on odor." city odor laws? i've been to vancouver, and i've eaten at stinky's, the turd factory, farty's deli and tim horton's. i have been to all of them. double standards much, vancouver? comedians, help out a moby dick. what's a less offensive name they could get away with calling their restaurant? erin gibson. >> hot bowls of [beep] chowder. chris: points. judah friedlander. >> are you there, cod, it's me
tarter sauce. >> chris: that's a great name for a restaurant. >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. with points from "throwing shade," tuesdays on tv land, it's erin gibson. 200 points. [cheers and applause] >> yes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with points also frm "throwing shade," it's bryan safi. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with four hundred points his stand-up film "america is the greatest country in the united states" is coming soon, it's judah friedlander. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." [cheers and applause] this friday, donald trump will put his hand on a bible, and be quickly sworn in as president before the book starts to burn his skin. [laughing]
all we know about the festivities so far is his event planner saying it will have a, "soft sensuality" befitting the occasion. which to me implies, "trump getting a lap dance in fdr's wheelchair." so, we're gonna get america -- he's not using it. he's not using it! so, we're going to get america ready for this sure to be titillating event with a bit of foreplay for tonight's hashtag. #sexypolitics examples maybe sexual congress. and if your -- 60 seconds, begin. >> mr. gorbachev, tear off them pants. >> congressional cucus. hris: brian. >> bjfk. chris: points. erin gibson. >> scotis. >> for skin and seven years ago. chris: very good. safi. >> hjfk.
chris: jfk is getting a lot of action like the old days. judah. >> fill a bust a nut. chris: gibson. >> mike penceatration. >> mitch mcanal. >> cabinet position. hris: perfect. gibson. >> senate [beep] confirmation hearings. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: did you say senate [beep] confirmation hearings? >> yes. chris: great. [cheers and applause] >> chris: send us your #sexypolitics and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. [cheers and applause] >> chris: our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag. war" was sent to us by @thegoliard. well done! (co-commander) commander!
commander? (1st officer) no pilot. (co-commander) oh he's out there. commander! (jon) yeah! one second. h&r block online lets you itemize your deductions for free. you still think it's too hard to move all your stuff over from turbotax? drag and drop. (writer) wow. that was easy. (jon) right? alright. let's fake land this thing. come on! (vo) h&r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. (jon vo) don't just get your taxes done. get your taxes won.
only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. download the xfinity tv app today. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i'm going to be performing the nerdist podcast live at sf sketchfest on saturday january 21st at 10:00 pm at the curran theater in san francisco. it'll be me and jonah ray and matt mira, and our special guest nathan fillion! tickets and info are available at sfsketchfest.com, hope to see you there. and now it's time to play "yokel government." [cheers and applause] everyone's so swept up in national politics these days, people seem to forget about the very patient folks on your city council. presidents don't care if a raccoon just chewed up your trash can, but the booger county comptroller chick dinkle does. in fact, he probably ran on a platform of exterminating those disease spreading litter munchers the heroes in local government
work hard to keep those god damn thieving night squirrels out of your recycle bin, but more importantly, they have to listen to you-- the common taxpaying jackoff. so comedians, i'm going to show you some videos from local city council meetings and i want you to answer a few questions about them. first up, this agitated lady at the lincoln, nebraska city council. >> now my brother was here, checking you guys out. so was my uncle. you know you have scratchy toilet paper. -- was treated bad. you go buy them some toilet paper. [ applause ] >> chris: comedians, what other changes does she want to make to the city council bathroom. >> an orange crush buday. >> remove the changing station. if she can't have a baby, no one
can. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> chris: next, the hazelton, pennsylvania city council was treated to a speech from this guy: >> there is a spanish saying, you have lemonade you have to learn to make lemonades, you know. [laughing] >> i can't tell you how many times i hear that spanish saying in english. [laughing] >> chris: if you got lemonades you got to make lemonades. you have to make it what's another traditional saying this guy grew up with? judah. >> don't bite the hand that feeds you, especially if you live alone and cook for yourself. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> that's where i'm at right now. >> i hear you. >> chris: next up, this guy has something to say about what
happened at the last meeting, when the mayor held a door open and touched the small of his back. >> under the guides of heaths health may such a flirtous test trying to possess, control and take control over me. -- homosexual males psych logically refuse control of a heterosexual male. >> chris: oh, ya. oh. >> yes. chris: almost finished. [ applause ] >> chris: comedians, what else confuses this guy? brian. >> sunglasses. chris: yes, points. these sun glasses are trying to make sexual advances at my head. >> i think he's thinking why do my pants get tight when ever i
see the rock take his shirt off. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> i think he has issues. i don't think he's being honest with him self. >> chris: maybe he's not. [ applause ] >> chris: finally, this city council meeting in pensacola, florida opened with an invocation from a satanist. take a look. >> so pretty. >> it sounds like mass. >> ya. chris: comedians what is this satanist proposing? >> his mom stop reading his live journal. >> chris: points. gibson. >> that hot topic become a site landmark. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: well, there you go. as you can see, the public comment portion of city council meetings basically amounts to taxpayer funded open mic therapy sessions where the town deputy treasurer is legally obligated to listen to you gripe about the
radiation levels in mayonnaise. so, over the break i want you to channel your own inner townie and make a video from your appearance at a local city council meeting. we'll get your answers after the break. we will be the city council and you will present to us. you will present to us. [cheers and applause] kids, juicy fruitmmmm with longer-lasting flavor? mmm (zipping) (zipping) (rattling) longer-lasting juicy fruit. so sweet you can't help but chew and chew. oh, look! we've got fees ew, really?
oh, it's our verizon bill look at them. line access fee, administrative fees, there are even taxes on top of them decent people shouldn't have to live like this (slaps "fee" off dad's head) did i get it? t-mobile ends surprise fees and taxes that's right, with t-mobile one, taxes and fees are now included 4 lines, 40 bucks each. all unlimited, all in. learn more at a t-mobile store.
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you a videos of local whack jobs at city council meetings and i asked you to make your own. let's see what you came up with. let's start, first one. >> esteem members of the council, police brutality is a big problem in this district. that's why i propose police violence would decline if cops wore more sexually provocative uniforms. a thong and a badge. they would be less likely to tackle someone because their
nutsack would pop out. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next one. >> hi my question is for city controller mr. simons. what is a [beep] controller. and the garbage how do i get the garbage man to understand that the can is garbage. controlling, what the [beep] >> chris: there you go. finally. >> hey man, mr. mayor, whatever is respectful. i want to say i have checked every pot hole in town. i have yet to find a single one with pot in it, man. isn't that just a hole. fill them with pot, we have been promised. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. [cheers and applause] >> chris: a thousand points to judah. 500 to gibson and 250 to safi.
[cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for "merit ba-jay-jays." if you've ever been a boy or girl scout, you know that merit badges were a way to show your scoutmaster that you were paying attention and not just sitting there getting weirded out because you were getting a backrub. check out this kid who earned all 137 possible merit badges! right there. damn. wearing that chastity belt like a sash. comedians, i will show you official and not official merit badges. tell me what you get it for. what do you get a handshaking badge for? >> getting into blue man group. chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: next, this cat sleeping on scissors. this is a badge for what? erin. >> dying alone and having your face eaten by a pet in a studio apartment. >> chris: points. next one how about this poorly rendered truck. judah.
>> smuggling heroine with a class b license. >> chris: and the squirrel badge, erin gibson? >> putting nuts in your mouth. chris: nice. ot for now, for later. >> for the winter. chris: i'm so sorry brian safi you barely squeak into third place. any last words before se see eliminate you. >> i'm so excited about the next four years. i'm going to zanex my way through it. thank you. >> chris: red light for brian safi. that means it's time to take a slice of life. it's for the win! [cheers and applause] for young women, growing up cn
be tough. take it from me i'm a guy. [beep] know anything. that's why one florida mom tried to make it a little easier by celebrating an important moment in her 12-year-old daughter's life with a special cake that went viral this week. "congrats on your period! >> oh! complete with red icing, and-- -- i will say this is amazing. probably made her daughter feel comfortable which she should. we should celebrate parts of young peoples lives. so comedians, i want you to come up with another cake celebrating an awkward part of growing up. we'll have our comedians'