tv The Daily Show Comedy Central January 20, 2017 11:00pm-11:37pm PST
i showed him my dick, called him a fag. ♪ ♪ money money money money ♪ money ♪ money money money money ♪ mo money ♪ ♪ some people got to have it ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ some people really need it ♪ yeah, listen to me all ♪ do thanks thangs, do thangs, d thangs with it ♪ ♪ dollar bills, y'all ♪ come on ♪ mean green ♪ almighty dollar ♪ i know that money -- ♪ money money money money ♪ money ♪
( cheers and applause ) >> from comedy central's world news headquarters, "the daily show" with trevor noah presents the inauguration day 2017! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody and thank you for tuning in today. welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight, i am so excited, from msnbc, joy reid is joining us inthe studio! ( cheers and applause ) it's official, people. it's finally happened. it took eleven long weeks, but it's finally here. i punched my tenth subway sandwich card at subway. free sub for t, no tomorrow. ( laughter ) i'm just joking, there obviously won't be tomorrow because today this happened -- >> preserve, protect and defend.
>> preserve, protect and defend. >> the constitution of the united states. >> the constitution of the united states. >> so help me god. >> so help me god. >> congratulations, mr. president. ♪ >> trevor: no matter how many times you watch that, i don't think you will ever get used to it. it's like seeing your dad's dick. ( laughter ) it's like, i knew it was going to be there, but it still upsets me. one of the main things donald trump has promised is that he will drain the swamp. he said he will drain the swamp that is washington. when you look at his inauguration crowd compared to president obama's, you can see trump kept that promise on day one. washington is drained, mission accomplished, trump. oh, if you did miss the inauguration or if you want to suffer one more time, let's do a quick recap. basically, starts just before noon eastern time and here ewe
see president-elect donald trump approaching the dayous as hellfire spontaneously bursts from earth below, followed by members of congress performing the traditional wail of their submission to the new overlord, yes, the peaceful transition of power. i'm just joking, guys, of course. i'm joking. it was much worse than that. ( laughter ) first, obviously, trump got some formalities out of the way. >> chief justice roberts, president carter, president clinton, president bush, president obama, fellow americans, and people of the world, thank you. >> trevor: why would he be thanking people of the world? it's not like they voted or participated -- oh... ( applause ) i get it. i get it. now, here's the thing,
historically, and not just in america, most functioning presidents generally try to make their inauguration speech one of unity and positive vision, and you would hope the 45t 45th president would have brought some of that, but it turns out hope was the exact wrong thing to have. >> america's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. one by one, the factory shuttered and left our shores. mothers and children trapped in poverty, rusted out factors, scattered like tombstones across the landscape, and the crime, and the gangs, and the drugs, we all bleed the same red blood! the ravages, destroying, ripped, robbed our country. this american carnage stops right here and stops right now. >> trevor: did anybody have carnage, blood and decay on their inauguration speech bingo card? did anybody have that? yeah, yeah?
is that the first five minutes of a presidency or a terminator movie? what is that? blood and decay... the bones... ( laughter ) you know, no matter how we feel about today, at least we know how trump will remember it. >> january 20th, 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again. ( applause ) >> trevor: actually, i have a feeling january 20th, 2017 will be the daytime travelers go back to try and save the future. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's what i think we'll remember it as. in fact, around 11:30 today, part of me was expecting marty mcfly the show up and say, doc, we have to stop him! for the last time, i'm not doc! i'm bernie sanders! why does this keep happening to
me?! ( applause ) but the truth is, for many people, today's speech didn't matter. what really did and hit home was, once the ceremony was over, and the trumps were escorting the obamas to their helicopter one final time and they flew off into the sky directly at lester holt. look at lester, he's, like, are they coming for me? i'm leaving and i'm taking all the black people with me, obama said, come on, lester! ( laughter ) the obama's took to the skies, the bidens took to the rails. i love the way joe biden is holding a single suitcase like he's been living out of that bag the last eight years. ( laughter ) the one who captured the feeling of the day was michelle obama. it was all over her face the whole time. it started in the morning at the white house when melania gave michele a gift she clearly did not want. clearly did not want.
she just hands it over to obama. look at obama. he's, like, just throw this anywhere. i'm moving. doesn't matter. yeah, throw it in the trash. ( laughter ) and by the way, in case you're wondering what was inside the box, it was a tiny note from melania that said -- help! ( laughter ) the entire day, michelle obama's face was the barometer for most of america's feelings. look at that face. look at that. she's nodding -- oh, hell, no. oh, hell, no. look at that face. that face -- ( laughter ) -- is every emotion rolled into one. that's like buy felicia, boy buy, i'd like to speak to your manager, all rolled into one. it wasn't hard to imagine why michelle was feeling that way. not only did donald trump move into the white house, republicans control the house,
senate, 32 state lairts and 33 state governors. today that's almost like it's seen in the disney movie where the villain gets the upper hand. like when mu fa is a died -- mufasa died and scar was the king. i was there that day. damn you, disney. it feels like a disney down day because trump controls everything which makes me sad. ( audience reacts ) but on the other hand -- it also means that -- ♪ no more excuses ♪ mo more excuses ♪ it's time to take your red cap off and really do (bleep) ♪ ♪ 'cause if you fail now ♪ you will look like douches ♪ and i promise you will be hated like cruz is ♪ ♪ no blaming ♪ no liberal shaming
♪ and we're waiting ♪ though trump is frightening to us all ♪ ♪ let's see him build that (bleep) wall ♪ ♪ in the bricks fit in his tiny little hand ♪ ♪ you have paul ryan as your bitch ♪ ♪ in the senate mitch ♪ you have the left and full retreat ♪ ♪ and scotus empty seat ♪ you're the boss to have the military ♪ ♪ now that i say it, sounds scary ♪ ♪ but means we'll see just what the truth is ♪ ♪ so donald j. trump -- ♪ no more excuses ♪ no more excuses ♪ let's see you do what you have been preaching all along ♪ ♪ now that the ken yon muslim is gone ♪ ♪ it's time for you to carry on ♪ ♪ and make this country great again ♪ ( cheers and applause )
you'd see all the sickness ifyou're spreading.ur cough, robitussin cf max severe soothes and delivers powerful relief of cough, sore throat, stuffy nose and fever. robitussin cf max severe. because it's never just a cough. (vo) when you're on your phone 24/7, you probably think you need an unlimited plan. but actually, the majority of people pay for data they never use. that's right, two out of three people use less than five gigs. now verizon introduces the one plan that's right for you. switch, and for just $55 get five gigs on america's best network. that's tons of data at a cost that's less than an unlimited plan. and the best part, no surprise overages. finally, all the data you need, on the network you want. verizon.
snoo>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! thanks for tuning in! today was not only extra difficult and not only was it the inauguration of president trump, it was the day we said goodbye to president obama. for more on how to cope with the anguish we turn to roy wood, jr., everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah, trevor! oh, my god, man! so many people crying today -- why? what are you crying for? don't smile because the journey is over! don't be sad that the happen necessary -- dude, this is mi my fifth coconut. i'm sorry. >> trevor: how can you be happy and drinking now? >> easily, because i'm drunk. secondly, you saw the speech today, trump is going to be so bad, obama's legacy is on lockdown. like, obama was good, but it really helps if the guy who follows you is terrible.
like, for example, people wanted to hate on christian bale as batman, then ben affleck came along and people chanting at bail, four more films! four more films! too late, i can't do anymore! i'm in "the big short" now! can't do batman! >> trevor: is that batman? your batman sounds like he's taking a (bleep). so you're saying obama will be remembered fondly especially because of trump. >> i'm just saying it doesn't hurt. they might not miss him now but when the folks in the red states start seeing the tax cuts going to the superrich, they're going to be on the phone, going, i don't care where he was born, just bring the black one back, please! >> trevor: i think this is your my tie talking, man. >> this is history with the mi
ti. part of the reason he's a legend is andrew johnson was so bad he got impeerpd. gave him a monument, town car, fighting vampires and movies and put him on two moneys! and if they did all that for him, they're going to let obama at least photobomb the hundred. >> trevor: are you equating obama with lincoln? >> yes! at minimum. look, lincoln was the obama of the 1800's. he was divisive and made controversial decisions that, over time, were revealed to be for the greater food. freeing the slaves was basically lincoln's obamacare. i'm not sure if you know what went down with the emancipation, but lincoln had some pushback, too. and that's why i see today as a celebration. when president obama boarded that helicopter and waved good buy, i saw a man ascend to
greatness, and that is something to smile about! >> trevor: i guess so. ( cheers and applause ) you know what? it looks like you're going to be okay with the trump presidency. >> i will eventually. >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) >> now, honey, i know you're scared about donald trump being president and you're probably worried about a whole lot of things, but i just want you to know i've h thing is going to be okay. all right? okay. muah. i love you. good night. oh -- and to be clear -- mommy is going to be fine. all right? i know i'm a woman living in trump's america, but i'm strong. all right? i don't want you to worry about me. good night. okay. don't worry.
then there is the whole thing about the supreme court. look, i'm going to be honest with you, buddy. it's not looking good. he's probably going to replace ruth bader ginsburg with kellyanne conway. why? i don't know. there are no (bleep) rules anymore. so -- but we're going to be fine. we're going to be fine. you and me. we're going to be okay. right? right? right? yeah. okay. i love you. muah. all right. i love you. muah. all right. we're good. ( lullaby playing ) ( crying ) and then there is nuclear war! he could do something stupid! we don't know! ♪ >> it's okay, mommy. mommy, what's a golden shower?
♪ ( applause ) oh, look! we've got fees ew, really? oh, it's our verizon bill look at them. line access fee, administrative fees, there are even taxes on top of them decent people shouldn't have to live like this (slaps "fee" off dad's head) did i get it? t-mobile ends surprise fees and taxes that's right, with t-mobile one, taxes and fees are now included 4 lines, 40 bucks each. all unlimited, all in. learn more at a t-mobile store.
>> trevor: welcome back to the "the daily show"! my guest tonight is the host of msnbc's a.m. joy and the co-editor of the book we are the change we seek. please welcome joy reid! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome. >> thank you. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: finally. i'm so in love with you. i follow you on twitter and your
power and then on the show is the same thing. thank you for being here -- is it a momentous occasion? >> last day on earth. good to share it with you. >> trevor: let's jump into that. you've written a book that's inspirational we, are the change we seek, the speeches of barack obama. today was the complete opposite. >> it was the complete opposite. the line that stood out from donald trump's speech today was american carnage. so that is the line people are going to remember from this speech. >> trevor: what does that mean? >> it means he sees us as emerging from this hellscape that's crated by people like you and me and -- >> trevor: you, don't include me. maybe you, not me. >> mostly me. >> trevor: and he's seeking to? >> rescue us from it by himself. when barack obama said we are the change we seek, he's saying i am the change you seek. i am going to turn back this tide of immigrants and foreigners stealing our economy and our livelihoods from us, and
i'm going to turn us back and bring us back to this industrial age he thinks he can revive on his own. >> trevor: here's what i don't understand and maybe it's because i'm stupid, i don't seem to understand how he's going to do this, because this speech said nothing about the how, it just said we're going to get the jobs back, we're going to be better, but how? >> well, i mean, trump seems to style himself this master negotiate, right, that he's simply going to will these companies to come back by getting on the phone with them and negotiating. now, he wrote about this in his book, right? his very famous book that you didn't even write. so he didn't write the strategies that hest going to be implementing. it was written by a ghost writer. i guess his force of will will make it happen. >> trevor: if you are sitting back, looking at this person who has come in as president -- i'm not going to lie, all over the world, hate or love him, the president of america has been the figure all over the world
where it's like, wow, and now it's, oh, it's trump. >> george w. bush's inauguration, there were protests, you had the supreme court intervening. people thought that was unfair. this time it's a foreign government intervening, and you saw not just protests here but around the world. we've never seen a picture like that. there was trump with his tiny crowd pretending like nothing was going on. he was living in one reality and the rest of the world was in another. >> trevor: when you went through the speeches, you got a good idea of obama and his journey, you know, you went back. if you look back at, you know, obama's speeches, if you look back at his inaugural speech and you look at donald trump's, are there any similarities or is it a completely different image of
a completely different america? >> they took place at the same event. literally, barack obama, if you go back through his speeches, we went back to his anti-war speech he gave in 2002. from then all the way to the very end, the point he's making is that the country is founded on these principles. maybe we haven't always lived up to them, but we believe in them and drive toward them together. essentially donald trump is saying, you know, what i've seen in a lot of speeches in parts of eastern europe, in parts of the african continent saying essentially this country is finished, we are in decline, it's been destroyed by the elites, by all the people essentially standing around me right now, and i'm going to drag it back to where you, my supporters, specifically want it to be. it's not a message to the whole country, it's a message to his supporters. that's unprecedented for a president to do.
>> trevor: you are in the unenviable position of being part of the scum that is the press. >> eyes. >> trevor: you are in a position where donald trump, i've never forgotten, where he said i'm going to open up the libel laws and get rid of fake news. you are in the crosshairs. what do you see as vision in a world where most people are saying we're living in a post-facts, post-truth world? >> i think it has to change the way we believe. we used to live in a world when the president said something, you reported it. but now when donald trump tweets, it's not a headline you can just translate into your headline, because it may not be true and more times than not it's a flat-out lie he's making up and other times it can change world in negative ways. he's caused stocks to drop of countries he threatened on his twitter fees and says he's going to remove the press from the white house. we have to understand
authoritarian regimes and look at the way vladimir putin operates and say how do we the free press operate with an authoritarian regime? we can't just report what he says and live on his twitter feed. >> trevor: i don't envy you. you're going back to d.c. same level of danger. you do your thing, i'll do mine. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: we are the change we seek is available now and you can watch a.m. joy on weekends on msnbc 10:00 a.m., everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) play marian hill. ♪ ♪are you down, d-d-down, d-d-down,♪ ♪d-d-down, down, down? ♪are you... down, d-down, down,♪ ♪d-d-d-d-down, down, down, down?♪ ♪down, d-down, down, down, ♪d-d-d-d-down, down, down, down?♪
water. every day women around the world spend millions of hours just collecting it. stella artois has partnered with us at water.org to help provide access to clean water to women and their families in the developing world. we can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all.
james monroe. there's this hurricane. a flaming ship. the revolutionary war. an affair. and duels. - oh, questlove is-- - questlove? - texting me--what? how did questlove find out? this is the stuff you can't do in a play. - [laughs] [patriotic music] ♪ [sweeping orchestral music] ♪ - so this is where you grew up. - this is the block i grew up. i, uh--you know, learned to ride a bike going down this hill. - do you wanna get drunk? - yes! yes! - oh, okay, okay. - let's do that. - i meant to ask you that before we walked up the street. - okay. - you do wanna get drunk? - yeah, we should do that. - 'cause we got these camera guys here, i just think-- - that would work out nicely. - that would be weird if you didn't want to. - let's go. - okay. - all right. [lively music]
♪ - i read in your biography that you were more into the monkees than the beatles. i think that's really cool of you, lin. cut. - bullshit. [both laugh] - no! [laughter] hi, i'm stage's lin-manuel miranda. [laughter] and we're gonna--[laughs] [bleep]. hello, my name is lin-manuel miranda. today we're gonna talk about alexander hamilton and aaron burr. [laughs] - cheers, my brother. - cheers! - here we are. [glasses clink] - our story begins in the exotic caribbean. [laughs] um--uh, it begins on the island of nevis. so hamilton and his mother-- they were both sick and he survived and she didn't. so she died in bed with him. it's a hellish, dickensian childhood. here's where we have to talk about our buddy aaron burr.
also an orphan. everyone dies by the time he's, like, 10 years old. his mother dies, his father dies. he's put in the care of various people who died, just like hamilton. the difference is, he's got money. he gets an amazing education. he goes to princeton, which was then queens college, at 13 years old. finishes it in two years instead of four. here's hamilton. genius. the orphan who is stuck on an island. you know, he's gonna invent our economy later. history spoiler. um, but he learns it by-- by running a company. so one day, there's this hurricane. and it... [bleep] up the caribbean. he writes a letter to his father, um, and he's saying, hey, dad, i know you're not here 'cause you were never here in my entire childhood. but this hurricane really [bleep] us up. and it's super flowery language. like, "the scene is sufficient to strike astonishment into angels."
ann lyton venton, his cousin, reads this letter, and she goes, like, holy shit, this kid's a genius. um, his--his talents are being wasted running a trading company. and she basically helps to raise him enough money so he can get on a ship and go to the colonies and get his education. and that's how hamilton escapes, uh, his lot in life. he--he literally writes his way out. and the ship he's on catches fire. - what? - i know. this is the stuff you can't do in a play. like, here comes sick-ass hamilton on a flaming ship. your ass will never be the same. [laughter] um, so hamilton shows up at queens college, and he says, hey, what's up, i'm hamilton. here are all my letters from the west indies. i'm really [bleep] smart, so i'd like to graduate in two years, which burr did. um, and they say, burr's dad was the president of princeton. we don't know you from a hole in the ground. so no.