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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  January 21, 2017 1:45am-2:16am PST

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hellfire spontaneously bursts from earth below, followed by members of congress performing the traditional wail of their submission to the new overlord, yes, the peaceful transition of power. i'm just joking, guys, of course. i'm joking. it was much worse than that. ( laughter ) first, obviously, trump got some formalities out of the way. >> chief justice roberts, president carter, president clinton, president bush, president obama, fellow americans, and people of the world, thank you. >> trevor: why would he be thanking people of the world? it's not like they voted or participated -- oh... ( applause ) i get it. i get it. now, here's the thing, historically, and not just in america, most functioning presidents generally try to make
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their inauguration speech one of unity and positive vision, and you would hope the 45t 45th president would have brought some of that, but it turns out hope was the exact wrong thing to have. >> america's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. one by one, the factory shuttered and left our shores. mothers and children trapped in poverty, rusted out factors, scattered like tombstones across the landscape, and the crime, and the gangs, and the drugs, we all bleed the same red blood! the ravages, destroying, ripped, robbed our country. this american carnage stops right here and stops right now. >> trevor: did anybody have carnage, blood and decay on their inauguration speech bingo card? did anybody have that? yeah, yeah? is that the first five minutes of a presidency or a terminator movie? what is that?
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blood and decay... the bones... ( laughter ) you know, no matter how we feel about today, at least we know how trump will remember it. >> january 20th, 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again. ( applause ) >> trevor: actually, i have a feeling january 20th, 2017 will be the daytime travelers go back to try and save the future. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's what i think we'll remember it as. in fact, around 11:30 today, part of me was expecting marty mcfly the show up and say, doc, we have to stop him! for the last time, i'm not doc! i'm bernie sanders! why does this keep happening to me?! ( applause ) but the truth is, for many
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people, today's speech didn't matter. what really did and hit home was, once the ceremony was over, and the trumps were escorting the obamas to their helicopter one final time and they flew off into the sky directly at lester holt. look at lester, he's, like, are they coming for me? i'm leaving and i'm taking all the black people with me, obama said, come on, lester! ( laughter ) the obama's took to the skies, the bidens took to the rails. i love the way joe biden is holding a single suitcase like he's been living out of that bag the last eight years. ( laughter ) the one who captured the feeling of the day was michelle obama. it was all over her face the whole time. it started in the morning at the white house when melania gave michele a gift she clearly did not want. clearly did not want. she just hands it over to obama. look at obama. he's, like, just throw this
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anywhere. i'm moving. doesn't matter. yeah, throw it in the trash. ( laughter ) and by the way, in case you're wondering what was inside the box, it was a tiny note from melania that said -- help! ( laughter ) the entire day, michelle obama's face was the barometer for most of america's feelings. look at that face. look at that. she's nodding -- oh, hell, no. oh, hell, no. look at that face. that face -- ( laughter ) -- is every emotion rolled into one. that's like buy felicia, boy buy, i'd like to speak to your manager, all rolled into one. it wasn't hard to imagine why michelle was feeling that way. not only did donald trump move into the white house, republicans control the house, senate, 32 state lairts and 33 state governors. today that's almost like it's
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seen in the disney movie where the villain gets the upper hand. like when mu fa is a died -- mufasa died and scar was the king. i was there that day. damn you, disney. it feels like a disney down day because trump controls everything which makes me sad. ( audience reacts ) but on the other hand -- it also means that -- ♪ no more excuses ♪ mo more excuses ♪ it's time to take your red cap off and really do (bleep) ♪ ♪ 'cause if you fail now ♪ you will look like douches ♪ and i promise you will be hated like cruz is ♪ ♪ no blaming ♪ no liberal shaming ♪ and we're waiting ♪ though trump is frightening to
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us all ♪ ♪ let's see him build that (bleep) wall ♪ ♪ in the bricks fit in his tiny little hand ♪ ♪ you have paul ryan as your bitch ♪ ♪ in the senate mitch ♪ you have the left and full retreat ♪ ♪ and scotus empty seat ♪ you're the boss to have the military ♪ ♪ now that i say it, sounds scary ♪ ♪ but means we'll see just what the truth is ♪ ♪ so donald j. trump -- ♪ no more excuses ♪ no more excuses ♪ let's see you do what you have been preaching all along ♪ ♪ now that the ken yon muslim is gone ♪ ♪ it's time for you to carry on ♪ ♪ and make this country great again ♪ ( cheers and applause ) no excuses! no excuses!
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a family of four to sprint. for people with hearing loss, that's $200 for every line you bring! visit sprintrelay.com. anything with a screen is a tv. stream 130 live channels, plus 40,000 on demand tv shows and movies, all on the go. you can even download from your x1 dvr and watch it offline. only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. download the xfinity tv app today. snoo>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! thanks for tuning in! today was not only extra difficult and not only was it the inauguration of president trump, it was the day we said goodbye to president obama. for more on how to cope with the anguish we turn to roy wood, jr., everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah, trevor! oh, my god, man!
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so many people crying today -- why? what are you crying for? don't smile because the journey is over! don't be sad that the happen necessary -- dude, this is mi my fifth coconut. i'm sorry. >> trevor: how can you be happy and drinking now? >> easily, because i'm drunk. secondly, you saw the speech today, trump is going to be so bad, obama's legacy is on lockdown. like, obama was good, but it really helps if the guy who follows you is terrible. like, for example, people wanted to hate on christian bale as batman, then ben affleck came along and people chanting at bail, four more films! four more films! too late, i can't do anymore! i'm in "the big short" now! can't do batman! >> trevor: is that batman? your batman sounds like he's taking a (bleep). so you're
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saying obama will be remembered fondly especially because of trump. >> i'm just saying it doesn't hurt. they might not miss him now but when the folks in the red states start seeing the tax cuts going to the superrich, they're going to be on the phone, going, i don't care where he was born, just bring the black one back, please! >> trevor: i think this is your my tie talking, man. >> this is history with the mi ti. part of the reason he's a legend is andrew johnson was so bad he got impeerpd. gave him a monument, town car, fighting vampires and movies and put him on two moneys! and if they did all that for him, they're going to let obama at least photobomb the hundred. >> trevor: are you equating obama with lincoln?
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>> yes! at minimum. look, lincoln was the obama of the 1800's. he was divisive and made controversial decisions that, over time, were revealed to be for the greater food. freeing the slaves was basically lincoln's obamacare. i'm not sure if you know what went down with the emancipation, but lincoln had some pushback, too. and that's why i see today as a celebration. when president obama boarded that helicopter and waved good buy, i saw a man ascend to greatness, and that is something to smile about! >> trevor: i guess so. ( cheers and applause ) you know what? it looks like you're going to be okay with the trump presidency. >> i will eventually. >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) >> now, honey, i know you're scared about donald trump being president and you're probably worried about a whole lot of things, but i just want you to know i've h thing is going to be
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okay. all right? okay. muah. i love you. good night. oh -- and to be clear -- mommy is going to be fine. all right? i know i'm a woman living in trump's america, but i'm strong. all right? i don't want you to worry about me. good night. okay. don't worry. then there is the whole thing about the supreme court. look, i'm going to be honest with you, buddy. it's not looking good. he's probably going to replace ruth bader ginsburg with kellyanne conway. why? i don't know. there are no (bleep) rules anymore. so -- but we're going to be fine. we're going to be fine. you and me. we're going to be okay. right?
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right? right? yeah. okay. i love you. muah. all right. i love you. muah. all right. we're good. ( lullaby playing ) ( crying ) and then there is nuclear war! he could do something stupid! we don't know! ♪ >> it's okay, mommy. mommy, what's a golden shower? ♪ ( applause ) they said it was impossible to have great-tboom.g light beer. award-winning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops. they also said it was impossible to hypnotize you. you're getting sleepy... watch the beer! ♪
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you'd see how often you cough all day. and so would everyone else. robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to 12 hours. robitussin 12 hour cough relief, because it's never just a cough. >> trevor: welcome back to the "the daily show"! my guest tonight is the host of msnbc's a.m. joy and the co-editor of the book we are the change we seek. please welcome joy reid! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome. >> thank you. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: finally. i'm so in love with you. i follow you on twitter and your power and then on the show is the same thing. thank you for being here -- is it a momentous occasion? >> last day on earth. good to share it with you. >> trevor: let's jump into that. you've written a book that's
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inspirational we, are the change we seek, the speeches of barack obama. today was the complete opposite. >> it was the complete opposite. the line that stood out from donald trump's speech today was american carnage. so that is the line people are going to remember from this speech. >> trevor: what does that mean? >> it means he sees us as emerging from this hellscape that's crated by people like you and me and -- >> trevor: you, don't include me. maybe you, not me. >> mostly me. >> trevor: and he's seeking to? >> rescue us from it by himself. when barack obama said we are the change we seek, he's saying i am the change you seek. i am going to turn back this tide of immigrants and foreigners stealing our economy and our livelihoods from us, and i'm going to turn us back and bring us back to this industrial age he thinks he can revive on his own. >> trevor: here's what i don't understand and maybe it's because i'm stupid, i don't seem to understand how he's going to do this, because this speech said nothing about the how, it
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just said we're going to get the jobs back, we're going to be better, but how? >> well, i mean, trump seems to style himself this master negotiate, right, that he's simply going to will these companies to come back by getting on the phone with them and negotiating. now, he wrote about this in his book, right? his very famous book that you didn't even write. so he didn't write the strategies that hest going to be implementing. it was written by a ghost writer. i guess his force of will will make it happen. >> trevor: if you are sitting back, looking at this person who has come in as president -- i'm not going to lie, all over the world, hate or love him, the president of america has been the figure all over the world where it's like, wow, and now it's, oh, it's trump. >> george w. bush's inauguration, there were protests, you had the supreme court intervening. people thought that was unfair.
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this time it's a foreign government intervening, and you saw not just protests here but around the world. we've never seen a picture like that. there was trump with his tiny crowd pretending like nothing was going on. he was living in one reality and the rest of the world was in another. >> trevor: when you went through the speeches, you got a good idea of obama and his journey, you know, you went back. if you look back at, you know, obama's speeches, if you look back at his inaugural speech and you look at donald trump's, are there any similarities or is it a completely different image of a completely different america? >> they took place at the same event. literally, barack obama, if you go back through his speeches, we went back to his anti-war speech he gave in 2002. from then all the way to the very end, the point he's making is that the country is founded on these principles.
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maybe we haven't always lived up to them, but we believe in them and drive toward them together. essentially donald trump is saying, you know, what i've seen in a lot of speeches in parts of eastern europe, in parts of the african continent saying essentially this country is finished, we are in decline, it's been destroyed by the elites, by all the people essentially standing around me right now, and i'm going to drag it back to where you, my supporters, specifically want it to be. it's not a message to the whole country, it's a message to his supporters. that's unprecedented for a president to do. >> trevor: you are in the unenviable position of being part of the scum that is the press. >> eyes. >> trevor: you are in a position where donald trump, i've never forgotten, where he said i'm going to open up the libel laws and get rid of fake news. you are in the crosshairs.
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what do you see as vision in a world where most people are saying we're living in a post-facts, post-truth world? >> i think it has to change the way we believe. we used to live in a world when the president said something, you reported it. but now when donald trump tweets, it's not a headline you can just translate into your headline, because it may not be true and more times than not it's a flat-out lie he's making up and other times it can change world in negative ways. he's caused stocks to drop of countries he threatened on his twitter fees and says he's going to remove the press from the white house. we have to understand authoritarian regimes and look at the way vladimir putin operates and say how do we the free press operate with an authoritarian regime? we can't just report what he says and live on his twitter
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feed. >> trevor: i don't envy you. you're going back to d.c. same level of danger. you do your thing, i'll do mine. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: we are the change we seek is available now and you can watch a.m. joy on weekends on msnbc 10:00 a.m., everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) i used to ask if you could hear me now, but i switched to sprint. their network reliability is now within 1% of verizon. and, get this, with sprint's new unlimited plan, you have the freedom to do virtually whatever you want. is there no worrying about gigabytes, shmigabytes, overages, bill phobia? that's the dream right there. well, then mama is gonna text, ping, post, tweet, snap... can you hear that? (vo) get unlimited mobile optimized data, talk, and text. plus, get $800 to spend anyway you want when you switch a family of four to sprint. for people with hearing loss, that's $200 for every line you bring! visit sprintrelay.com.
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scade. tonight! now here it is... your moment of zen.
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all chanting: battle! battle! battle! - we're back where it all began-- the sunset strip. - just the excitement that you walk into--it's electric. like, it's literally walking into a thunder dome of jokes. - [laughs] what the [bleep]? - "roast battle" was born in the belly of the comedy store, and every week the best roasters in town go mic to mic for bragging rights. [cheers and applause] but tonight, comic heavyweights chris d'elia and sebastian maniscalco, along with legendary baller metta world peace will decide who makes it to the big tournament in hollywood starting on january 26th. this is "roast battle ii: the regionals" from los angeles. [cheers and applause] [bleep] yeah! [bleep] yeah! back home in the belly room, baby!
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[cheers and applause] give it up for coach tea back there. [electronic tone] -man, coach tea. - we should really quickly say hi to our two great comics and--i don't know what metta world peace is even doing here, but we appreciate you so much. how you doing, metta? are you doing good? - doing great. it's great to be here. - we have some roast battle comedy store royalty-- chris d'elia is here tonight. what's up, chris e.? you've been judging these roast battles since the beginning. - yeah, since, uh-- yeah. [laughter] that's not a [bleep] joke, everyone. [laughter] - and in the middle, a man who's just been killing it all over the country-- super funny-- sebastian maniscalco! [cheers and applause] - what's happening? what's happening? - thanks for doing this, sabby. - i'm gonna be honest with you, jeff. i'm not really here to see the roasters. - yeah? - i'm here to see the wave. [cheering] [cheers and applause] - the house hater is here. how you doin' house hater? [cheers and applause] you must be excited--your boy won the election, right?
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- i'm very happy-- don't call him "boy." - sorry. [laughter] - and whether you like trump, this man is giving something to this country we've never had and that's a first lady we can jack off to. - wow. [laughter] all right. give it up for tonight's referee, brian [bleep] moses! [cheers and applause] - whoo! - battle! battle! all: battle! battle! - all right, who came to get verbally violent? [cheers and applause] this first cat coming to the stage, originally from south dakota, he's gay, and the reason he got into roasts is because he thinks offensive humor saves lives. everybody, joseph dosch. [cheers and applause] - my strategy is to tell jokes, uh, that are funny and hurtful, and more funny and more hurtful than his. and hopefully he leaves, just, like, a dispirited husk

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