tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central January 24, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PST
>> all right, so as sean spicer walks out of the briefing room -- uh, that was stunning. el [cheers and applause] el >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, when people stop being polite and start getting real. true story. this morning, the nominees were announced for the 89th academy awards. and in contrast with last year's slate that provoked the #oscarssowhite hashtag, this year features a diverse set of nominees including a record six black actors. then again, a record tying 14 nominations also went to la la land, which is pretty much the whitest [beep] movie imaginable. you haven't seen it or it doesn't look like a movie i will
see. i think it's about ryan gosling explaining jazz to emma stone, and includes -- in fact, the only thing whiter than la la land would be a biopic about the inventor of mayonnaise. which incidentally is in the works starring daniel day-lewis: he will be amazing in this. he pretended to be mayonnaise for six months to get ready for this. comedians, what's an even whiter musical than la la land? >> the grand wizard of oz. chris: points. very white. very white. >> get your ugghs. chris: points. claudia. >> how to succeed in everything without really trying. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> chris: next, reaching the top. a video featuring this young man was at the top of reddit today. what did he do to get to the top? a, an angry rant about batman v
-- advice diesel or or asked for permission to swear at his big brother for being a dick. >> angry rant on vin diesel. chris: no. you're not getting points. we will watching this video together. >> i found it. it's good. ya. [laughing] >> can i just -- >> ya. >> [beep] you dad. [cheers and applause] >> jack. ya, jack. >> chris: all at the same time. [beep] you jack! i assume this is from the batman superman sequel this is pre-dawn of justice babies.
i love how quickly permission to swear was granted. the dad said "yes" without even thinking about it, assuming of course, that he is their father. next, run and jump this town. the upcoming nintendo game "super mario odyssey-" sticks our favorite fungus addict in a very similar to new york, where he can trade 10,000 gold coins for one hamilton ticket. youtuber "crowbcat" was inspired by this news and created something truly amazing. he put mario into "grand theft auto 4" to show how the video and see the real-world physics -- of mario jumping around. take a look. [laughing] #k-d. >> crazy! [laughing] >> chris: ya. so -- that's pretty much
perfect. [cheers and applause] >> chris: mario [beep] you up. comedians, what's a mission from this mario game? john. >> eat mushrooms and run to the street, spiders imaginary on your skin and get gunned down by cops. >> chris: kate. >> try to pay a sex working in rigatoni. [laughing] >> chris: he's a little tube, eye. claudia. >> you jump in a pipe and beat a man to death with a pipe. >> chris: points, points. points. >> chris: next, don't leave britney alone. yesterday we got the first glimpse of the britney spears biopic. take a look. >> i won't say it was fun. it wasn't. everything just was a blur, you know. until you hit rock bottom. >> oh my god. chris: wow.
we got it from an audience member. is that in support or horror of? >> horror. chris: absolute horror. i have to say this makes sense. the most fitting way to see britney is in a trailer. [cheers and applause] but the internet was happily surprised to see that the lifetime britney looks like real britney, which means they'd nail *nsync too, right? oh, look. just like -- what you got old 99 there. corn rows, justin timber-like. i think that might be joey patone. so, comedians, the internet clearly can't wait till february, so please give us a sneak peek at what we'll see in "britney ever after." kate. >> you won't see it, you can hear christina aguilera cackling
at home. >> chris: points. claudia. >> hit me baby, one more time sung to the count down -- >> chris: yes couldn't get it right. hilt me baby one more time, duda, all the duda day. i don't know the other lyrics to the song. >> think that's good i like it. chris: john. >> two full hours of her going aaaahhh. >> chris: which them sampled for skwrer as you can world. -- jurassic world. let's check the scoreboards. from "love," season 2 coming soon to netflix, it's claudia o'doherty. with 300 points from "555," series premiere january 31st on vimeo on-demand, it's john early. >> thank you.
chris: also with 300 points. also from "555," tour dates with john early on kateberlant.com, it's kate berlant. >> i should also say claudia has a small part in 555. >> what? >> that's why i'm here. [laughing] >> chris: now it's time for tonights #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] oscar nominations were annound today, proving the existence of a coastal elite media bubble by praising movies about hollywood, lgbt issues, and an affleck brother's sadness. which people enjoy. so we would like to open things up for the rest of america tonight's hashtag, #redneckamovie. yes. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: asked examples "kid rocky horror picture show") 60 seconds begin. >> it's all about e not c. chris: claudia. >> the breakfast clan. chris: yes. kate. >> i don't know about this dark night fella. >> chris: points. >> it's alright i can talk about him i have a dark night friend. [laughing] >> exactly. chris: kate. >> fatal attract traction to fireworks. >> all of the presidents men are racist. >> chris: claudia. >> the last waffle house on the left. >> chris: points. john. >> it's a wonderful pro life. chris: kate. >> 63 million angry white men. chris: points. john. >> good squirrel hunting. chris: yes, points. [laughing] claudia. >> heutd e hidden fences.
chris: so funny. claudia. >> the born supremacist. chris: very good. i think that will wrap it up. >> chris: send us your #redneckamovie and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag. war was sent to us by @lamadeleine413. well done! ♪ ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra.
inevitably write a one-person show and guilt all their friends into paying $18 to waste two hours in a black box. comedians, i'll show you a poster from a strange looking one man play and for 250 points i want you to give me a line from it. first up we have this sexy solo act, "there will be penetration." claudia. >> attention front row, you are in the splash zone. [laughing] >> chris: you may get wet. you may get wet. john. >> ahhh boy, oh no. ahhh! >> chris: points, ya. [ applause ] >> chris: kate. >> exterior porn hub 2008. chris: yes points. >> chris: next up, the instant classic "e-i-e-i-oy." see she has the menorah and the pitch fork. jewish and holding underpapts for some reason.
>> -- in the dale, rabbi in the dale. >> chris: points. >> hi, mom, thank you for coming. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> i love that. >> it's really sad. >> really sad. chris: next michael jackson is definitely not rolling in his grave from this production. it's so rock she says. kate. >> it's cheaper than hamilton. chris: and there are seats. >> yes. chris: john. >> any are you okay. any am i okay. >> chris: amazing. points, points. amazing john. thank you. claudia. >> it doesn't matter if you're black or white you will both hate my show. >> chris: points. [laughing]
>> chris: next "the fiery sword of justice." what's a line from this show? claudia. >> no refunds. [laughing] >> chris: and i think will you find the door is quite locked. kate. >> i doubt your new wife has a sword. [laughing] >> chris: finally let's drag god into this with "rap guide to religion." that is the correct reaction. first of all before we get your answers. i know what you want. you saw this. you were like chris hardwick i need this in my life. the explosive amount of joy you experience. especially you in the front row, madam. i will give you what only you the audience want. a real line from the show. [cheers and applause] >> people are like wheels without an axel. lately wes have planted barley and tended cat al.
now it seems like half the people -- [laughing] >> chris: o my god. was this la la land. is this what i'm missing? >> yes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so as an audience member on your way out of the theater tell us what you thought. kate berlant. >> god is dead. chris: how can a good let this happen. john. >> that pope really was -- chris: points. claudia. >> i have always wanted to see mack helmore live. >> chris: let's roll into our live challenge, inauguration bae. yesterday we highlighted the women's march, where folks the world over came out in incredible numbers to voice their objections to donald trump's inauguration, but it
seems that one lady in particular is taking trump's swearing in particularly hard. that would be the -- the first lady. seen here. here's the president and seemingly disappointed new first lady having to endure the annual white house rose garden flower tasting. it didn't take long for social media to point out that melania appeared miserable at virtually every turn of the inaugural process, as evidenced by the new video from the swearing. in take a look, everything is fine now -- oh. [laughing] >> chris: we will never know what she's thinking at this moment. i bet you have a good clue. comedians, i want you to give me melania's internal monologue right here. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! tonight is tag team tuesday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the
[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you this video of president trump's 3rd lady having a moment of self reflection and i asked you to give me her inner monologue, let's see what you came up with. khaud ya, let's start with you. >> that -- i got is making this slightly better. >> chris: it's in there now. >> ya. chris: john. >> stand by your man. [laughing] [cheers and applause]
[laughing] >> chris: kate. >> send help. he took my phone, my legs are chained together under the dress. send help. send help. >> chris: a thousand points to john. 500 to kate and claudia. our next game a murder, she wrote. did you know a group of clams is called a "bed?" neither did i! or that a group of larks is called an "exaltation" and a group of [beep] on this website. it's got a shrewdness of apes, a romp of otters, a shiver of sharks, and more, all in this group of names of groups of things. incidentally, a group of names of things is called a "list." romp of otters, a shiver of sharks, and more, all in this group of names of groups of things. incidentally, a group of names of things is called a "list." comedians, i want you to tell me as many names of groups of things as you can. i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now. >> bed bath and beyond, college fresh man. >> chris: john. >> a mason jar of munford and
sons. >> a whole food of white mothers. >> chris: john. >> a beige wall of jessica chastane. >> a flannel of male comedians. [laughing] >> chris: it's comfortable okay. comfortable. it's easy. kate. >> a screaming abyss of trump voters. >> chris: points. claudia. >> a bunch of white people. chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> yo wrap about jesus. chris: claudia. >> a -- of step dads. [laughing] >> chris: very funny. john, yes. >> a har wick o hardwick of has. chris: really. a hardwick of anything is great.
that's the end of this. thank you. clawed ya, you're in third place. >> oh. >> oh. chris: we have to. >> -- wait what? chris: i said we're eliminating claudia. >> i'm sad. i feel embarrassed and bad about myself. [laughing] >> chris: i don't want you to feel weird about this. it's just in trumps america we have to keep all the americans on the stage. i'm sorry. i don't know how else to -- this is the way it is now. >> i understand. chris: i must now dawn you with red light. red slight! there it is. >> you can't get through it. chris: she is in there. that means it's time to come with me if you want to drink, it's for the win! you might remember i.b.m.'s watson as the super-powered artificial intelligence that totally wiped the floor with the
competition on"jeopardy!" right before cementing his domination of humans on "so you think you can dance?" remember that? well, the a.i. is celebrating all his success in the most human way possible: by making alcohol! yes, travel company "virgin holidays" enlisted watson to analyze over 15 million social media posts in order to develop a vacation-inspired rum recipe. in fact, i think we have some footage taken right after the robot rum was invented. jack, can you roll that clip? [laughing] ♪ >> robots. chris: audience, can i have permission to swear. >> yes. chris: [beep] you jack! that's from the darpa robotics challenge, which teaches kids what it's like to spend spring break with elon musk. comedians, i want you to come up
something you might hear from a drunk artificial intelligence. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] (vo) when you're on your phone 24/7, you probably think you need an unlimited plan. but actually, the majority of people pay for data they never use. that's right, two out of three people use less than five gigs. now verizon introduces the one plan that's right for you. switch, and for just $55 get five gigs on america's best network. that's tons of data at a cost that's less than an unlimited plan. and the best part, no surprise overages. finally, all the data you need, on the network you want. verizon.
mom,on my car insurance of money by switching to geico. i should take a closer look at geico... you know, geico can help you save money on your homeowners insurance too? great! geico can help insure our mountain chalet! how long have we been sawing this log? um, one hundred and fourteen years. man i thought my arm would be a lot more jacked by now. i'm not even sure this is real wood. there's no butter in this churn. do my tris look okay? take a closer look at geico. great savings. and a whole lot more. >> chris: welcome back. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at
home. doesn't mean anything, you don't know them. before the break, i told you about i.b.m.'s watson artificial intelligence developing its own rum-recipe, and i asked you to come up with something you might hear from a drunk a.i. let's see what you wrote. first one ... i'm sorry this normally doesn't happen to me. you're just so pretty. trust me, this software is normally hardware. [cheers and applause] >> chris: just give me .7 seconds. number two ... >> last time i got this drunk i pissed the bed and had to spend a month drying out in a bag of rice. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number one is the winner. who is number one? kate berlant is the winner. kate berlant won the internet. john early is taking it very hard.
[cheers and applause] >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be andrew santino, erik griffith and jenny zigrino. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #redneckamovie and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. bless your heart. be nice to each other. be nice to each other. bless your heart. ( grunting ) there. i've finished fine-tuning my "what-if" machine. who wants the machine to show them an alternate reality? ooh, ooh, i want to know what would happen if i were human.