tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central January 30, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PST
another word is this. >> no,
not at all. y'all got to bleep that out. central chris: it's 11-- we find out what awaits us. well, i guess t rump has decided to become a man of his word at the worst possible time this week. i thought he was saying all that [bleep] when he was trying to get elected and then he would be ah [bleep] i'm going to coast the next four years, i dnlt know he was going into [bleep] turbo mode. he went good on his plan to ban muslims. literally everyone hates it. look at this tweet, calls to ban muslims from the u.s. are offensive and unconstitutional. i wonder if trump will come across this lip tard named mike
pence. whatever. americans-- it's not even like
a real name. americans came out by the thousands to protest at airports sending a message that no ban will be tolerated and also yes, travel can get worse. but nice job everyone for rallying people, even new york city cab drivers joined in showing solidarity by refusing to take fares to jfd during the protest it. it may pose a temporary inconvenience but let me ask you something, if you saw a scene in a movie where a bunch of cab drivers who normally don't give any [bleep] about anything and you just saw like all of their off duty lights flick on one by one, you would ball your [bleep] eyes out. (applause) come on! oh my god. i'm telling you, you know, you would be at home, alone and you would be on a plane. i don't know i cry on plane as lot when watching movies.
there's still love in this wrld. like you would be so touched. the ban is so bad even thousand year old robo villain dick cheney came out against it. take a look. dick cheney, says the ban stands against everything we standed for. people got mad at uber for breaking the describing, people had the hashtag deleteunier-- uber. here's-- up there. (laughter) i do imagine that's like what steve bannon's dick looks like. >> chris: that would make sense. is he is cold blooded. however, others take action to show the opposition with list pledging to give a ly tbrks t planning to give a million dollars to the aclu. airbnb-- (applause) offering to house refugees and apple maps pledging to get steve
bannon lost. come ed yens, how should other apps make a political statement. >> i fired-- offering free holes for refugees to stick their dicks into. >> it's really cool. >> on tinder it is now positive to swipe left. but if you swipe right you can only date your daughter. >> chris: okay. points. arden. >> no matter what address you put in, waze will give you the fastest route to canada. >> chris: points. you know, i think we're all touched by immigration in some way. i think if anyone had wanted to institute a ban on immigrants t should have been the native americans in the 1600st. grand lar about t my mother's grandparents came from italy.
they were not turned away. they were welcome. i'm here, we're all touched by immigration some way. i hope we find a passion an don't go on a crazy witch-hunt that isn't going to work anyway! so next up, boy meets cott. a week into the pumpkin spiez presidency and hashtag boycott starbucks is is trending. a question is where are they going to start girl coting starbucks, you guise. i meal real cotts have curves. are first of all no i will never [bleep] boycott starbucks. this he have been it before, cups not christmassy enough, cup toos red, too much support for gay marriage, seasonal lattes too seasonal. that is weird. codes for the bathroom, why can't i just go in and drop a deu ce on the floor.
come ed yen, why boycott this time? >> instead of saying merry christmas the cups now say jesus is is a. >> all right, points. arden. >> i'm tired of the wi-fi going out right when i'm about to nuj, i am just curious, how much nutting are you doing these days, moshe. >> you know, i am boycotting starbucks because they always misspell my name it is moshe, not bitch ass jew-looking nerd. >> chris: all right, points. that. >> that doesn't even sound similar. real nice. >> chris: those are all good answers but they're completely wrong and you should be embarrassed and ashamed for not knowing this, guys, starbucks c.e.o. howard schultz between with the tinniest cup available which by the way make trumps hands look huge will hire 10,000 refugees around the world over
the next five years. some people are upset about this because i guess they think starbucks should be hiring americans first, not people from war-torn countries who they also worry at some point could become terrorists i guess. i don't know, starbucks will not see a goddam dime from those people who are mad until they are at a mall and want some coffee. and also can they get a blueberry scone? you know what, i don't have time for you to heat it up. this is a boycott. but i do want to make a point. number one hirings will take place all over the world, not just america. starbucks says they're focusing on refugees who worked with the u.s. military. so it is just people just want to be up set. -- upset. do not-- they would have to be-- you know, the spice they put on time of the chai would have to be made of ground orphans for me to go okay, i've had it. but that's about it. >> i'm sorry, no, i boycott them. even in china starbucks they got to hire american. absolutely. >> chris: everywhere.
>> i know, i don't think about my political positions whatsoever. but my gut tells me this is wrong. >> chris: let's check the scoreboard with 500 points from will you accept this rose podcast arden myrin. (applause) with 400 points our standup special you let me down premiers friday at midnight on this channel comedy central joe derosa. also with 400 points performing at just for laughs northwest in vancouver february 18th moshe kasher is is on the show. (applause) and now it is time for tonight's hashtag wars. very excited for hashtag wars. lately the world is bad and scary place, kind of like the
toilet of a cheese cake factory on mardi gras but you know what is not bad, you guys, dogs. ah, dogs. thank god the internet is obsessed with pointing cameras at them like this one here. the best. look at this [bleep] dog! oh my god. but then especially this one, especially this one, you guys. come on. come on. to celebrate, that very good you can't help but bust a mf hashtag is dogsongs. examples might be i got 99 problems but a bitch is one. or hit me rabies one more time. i will put 60 seconds on the clock. and begin. moshe. >> come on eileen krs. >> chris: points. >> arden. >> squirrel, squirrel, scwirl el. >> chris: yes, points.
joe. >> anything by flee and the red dick chili peppers. >> chris: i got to give joe an extra hundred points, that was a teufer. arden. >> i want to hold your bone. >> chris: yeah, all right. points. joe. >> i just died under the porch tonight. >> chris: moshe. >> is there a ken el for a gangsta. >> chris: yes, points. arden. >> i knew you were kibble when you walked in. >> chris: points. >> kibble. >> when i think about you i lick myself. >> chris: yes, points. resonated very strongly. moshe. >> what if dog was one of us. >> chris: sends us your hashtag dog songs and tag them "@midnight." we'll be right back with more
"@midnight" at 11:30. >> the our last hashtag war sent us it us to by@stillnotjenna. why wo ♪ you don't have to pay a lot to get a lot. at cricket wireless, plans now start at $30/mo. monthly taxes and fees included. and we have more 4g lte coverage than t-mobile or sprint. cricket wireless. something to smile about. if old sphow will theyense helps know i worked hard?, i've gotta make stuff harder.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's a very tight game. arden myrin is looking for gille weed to put in her positions class. joe derosa who is having the mario argue. and moshe kasher in third place, 700 points but don't worry right after the show he's going to go sell coke to the kids on riverdeal. it's time to play swell ron hubbard.
the amazing website dangerous minds.net published a truly jaw dropping set is of images from a scien tolling handbookment i'm nt here to make a judgement call from this religion that separates preem from their friends and families after they sign a million dollar contract. but these are baffling. i will show you a photo from the 1994 scien tolling handbook. for 250 points you will tell us what lesson it is trying to etch too. first up, this substantial user. arden. >> don't steal blow from business casual santa. >> chris: joe. >> just keep snorting this [bleep] until everything we believe makes perfect sense. >> chris: yes, very good. next up, this piano leson.
don't worry, not everyone is born with talent. come ed yens, what lesson is is this teaching. >> look, it's not you that sucks at piano t slt alien spirit inhabiting your body. >> chris: points. arden. >> practice your scales or you're going to get finger lashes by mr. spoke. >> chris: what? i mean. >> yes, i'm sorry, what. >> chris: i'm sorry, arounden, that joke is not logical. >> he is threatening her, he's got a mock turtle neck on and he's got a weird haircut. >> chris: all right, great. all right. that is all i needed. i just needed a little. >> and there is a-- behind, get ready, here comes-- you know?
i got to practice my scales. >> chris: next up, how about these bros. moshe. >> dudes with broken arms are super easy to talk into gay stuff. >> chris: next up, this tense scene. what is the lesson in any of this? arden. >> i'll get rid of donna and then i will be the leader of the itty bitty titt ye committee. committee. >> chris: and finally become curious about that, yes, i did. come ed yens what is the [bleep] lesson here? moshe. >> even your beautiful chandelier will not distract from the awkwardness of your step dad's smell my finger joke.
>> chris: points. arden. >> why didn't i practice my scales? >> chris: very nicely wrapped up. very nicely. it's time for our live challenge. engage in 60 seconds. yesterday weases the fowrtd annual nicholas cage movie marathon the one day event which features classics like bringing out the dead, army of one. and that one other movie that nick cage did when he needed money to pay off the dinosaur bones. you probably known it as-- but not only did cage curate the screening himself he even helped with a live marriage proposal. there they are right there. i guess you could say he showed up just in the nick of time, to help cage these love birds.
oh my god, when these two lyul actually do tie the knot cage plans to perform the ceremony because he'll be in anything. he would absolutely be in anything. which means if he's doing the ceremony it means it could be terrible or amazing. you never know what you're going to get. in honor of their engagement, please give me a nick cage themed wedding vow. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight." (vo) data plans aren't one size fits all. and since most people use less than 5 gigs, the last thing you want is to end up paying for data you don't use. now verizon introduces the one plan that's right for you. switch, and for just $55 get 5 gigs on america's best network.
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the bee. i should have-- myeelf. >> chris: practice your scales joe. >> now that you two kids are hitched, let's start a family the only way i know how. by heading to arizona to kidnap a [bleep] baby. >> chris: yeah, points very good. moshe. >> for better or force, in sickness and everything but mental health. >> chris: all right. a thousand points to joe, 500 each to arden and rochee. to the next game, doom, there st. last week the bull tin of atomic scientist moved their clock to just 2 minutes and 30 seconds to midnight. here they are nothing to do with our show, here they are showing off their poor graphic design
elements there. the clock which represents humanity prox imity to its own demise is set to be closee to armageddon since 1953 when scientists were concerned about the cold war, the development of hydrogen bomb and unsettling birth of hulk hogan. so come ed-- so given we are on the precipice of disaster come up with more news announcements that would signal the end of the world in 60 seconds. >> canada does something slightly rude. >> chris: points. joe. >> production has commenced on paul blart three. >> chris: points. arden. >>-- from urge crises to purge crises. >> chris: points moshe. >> iggy azalea warmly accepted by the black community. >> chris: arden. >> prince comes back to life and [bleep] all of our moms. >> chris: points. moshe. >> the steve bannon awarded sexiest man alive. >> chris: points. joe. >> every joe chris hardwick
hosts is about the zombie apocalypse. >> chris: points. i mean everything is kind of about that now, being honest. arden. >>-- and nickelback murnlg merge into the number one band in the world. -- nickel-- . >> chris: very good. arden myrin, i'm so sorry, we mus. >> i wish i practiced my scales. >> chris: you should have practiced your scales. >> you should have practiced your scales. i would like to send arden myrin off in a way befitting the wonderful human being that she is. red lights! >> thank you so much. >> chris: that means it's time to get bagged. it's for the win. last week we heard about a technological marvel that could help keep you out of jail this
super bowl weekend. the tossito bag breathalyzer. that's right, the chip that doesn't even have the confidence to come out and say definitively that it contains lime, hint of line lime, is weighing in on state mandated blood alcohol levels. so basically you just have to blow this bag of chips to keep from getting a du i. let may tell you something, kids, when this gen x boy was a kid all you had to do was blow these chips. that's all you had to do. you kids don't even know what we had to do. >> the always on point lawrence kansas police farm twitter caught wind of this and had probably the perfect response, it read like this. if you have to blow into a chip bag to know you are intoxicated, do not drive, do not drive. so come come ed yens, i would
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you have to help your friends move. the least they can do is buy you a nice dinner in return. try our bourbon street chicken and shrimp. now under 10 bucks. only at applebee's. [joi want that role now.ay a 1930's cop, when i crave a turkey sandwich, i want to eat it now. [woman] john, i got your sandwich. [john] when my neck itches, i want to scratch it now. so when the irs owes me money, guess when i want it? [woman] now. [john] you are good. [vo] instead of waiting for your tax refund, you can get a refund advance of up to $1250 no interest at block. [john] don't just get your taxes done. get your taxes won. [ male announcer ] cats will do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. what are you doing? oh, here, check this out. ♪ [ meows ] temptations. cats can't resist. welcome back to @midnight. time for for the win.
i will wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answer as loud, you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i showed a tweet from the lawrence kansas 3-rbgs d begging drivers not to condition sult a bag of chips about their ability to drive drunk and ask you to give me another tweet for them disspelling another warning about alcohol consumption. let's see. first one, if you have half a bottle of tequila somebody will [bleep] your pants. not saying who. or ifs to titos tells you are you drng, done drive frchtion they tell you are you homophobic, call an ambulance. >> who is number two. joe derosa won the internet. the funniest person for the next 23 and a half hours, tomorrow our guests are phoebe robynson, hmpton yount and adam newman. until then remember the hashtag dog songs.