tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 2, 2017 11:00pm-11:32pm PST
see, whenever you have friends in the area, your little compass there tells you where they are. it's pointing up, because jesus is your friend. - thanks, dad. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you to you. i'm trevor noah. my guests tonight from the abc drama "quantico," blair underwood is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) so good looking! but first, it's groundhog day! yay! and also, what the hell is groundhog day? this is so strange to explain to
anyone who doesn't live here. people pull a rodent out of the ground and ask the animal to predict the weather. this is so unfair, because if affectens were doing this and you heard we pulled animals out of the ground, how would you be judging us? you realize there are villages in affect where people wear animal skin, and if i tried to explain that americans use groundhogs to predict the weather, they would probably be like, well, why not use satellite data, huh? why not? ( laughter ) if you remember, yesterday, donald trump host add white house sitdown with his black friends. you guys remember that? yes? in case you don't remember, this is what pastor scott told trump. >> i was recently contacted by some of the top gang thugs in chicago for a sitdown. they reached out to me because
they associate with you, they respect you and appreciate what you're doing and want to help lower the body down to. straight street guys but they're going to commit if they lower the body count we'll come in and do social programs. >> trevor: so that's top pastor to trump who said he met with gang thugs who said they'd stop killing so many people if trump would come in with social programs. that's (bleep). gangs are, like, we need volleyball and sports! i like they don't say we'll stop killing, they'll just lower the body count. well, we have a reputation to uphold! but we'll figure it out! ( laughter ) paths r pastor scott, the same man, remembered that in the bible it says, thou shalt not bear false witness against thy thug neighbor. >> i used the improper vernacular. i meant to say former gang
thugs. guys who were formerly in the street life in chicago. >> pastor scott said later he didn't talk to gang members, he said a lack of sleep led him to say that, and it was just one gang member who talked to him. >> trevor: how can your facial hair be so precise and your memory so blurry? how? ( applause ) lack of sleep has different effects on everyone. some of us get cranky. some people miss having entire conversations with gangbusters. oh, man, i haven't slept -- and oh, and i met all the gang bullsers in chicago. that's what happens. this is (bleep). let's talk about global news. it's been so chaotic in america dealing with trump's (bleep) that you forget there is a whole world out there also dealing with trump's (bleep). you can't escape the man. it's not like the world doesn't have problems of its own. for instance, in germany, they're worried about russians
interfering with their elections now, but instead of focusing on that, poor angela merkel had to spend her precious time explaining to trump that he couldn't refuse refugees in need because of a thing called the geneva convention. she had to explain that to a president which is a waste of her time. and that's german time, so you know it's super precious. in terms of value, it goes swiss time, german time, hammer time. and hammer time is extremely valuable because there is not any left. it's one of those things. in britain, prime minister theresa may is struggling with brexit, but because of trump who wants to meet the queen, she has to spend time schooling him on royal protocols, teaching trump on how to meet the queen. rule one, dolled, it's not okay to grab the queen's (bleep). ( laughter ) grey corgi.ueen calls it, the ( laughter ) now, as irritating as those
trump problems may b at least they're side issues. for some countries, trump is problem numeralo uno. >> fighting with friends. >> president trump escalating his fight with mexico. >> president trump threatening to use u.s. military force to halt mexico's drug trade. he reportedly said he's ready to send u.s. troops to stop what he calls "bad hombres down there." >> trevor: hey, hey -- look on the bright side -- trump's learning spanish! ( laughter ) you know this story is why you have to appreciate every now moment. remember a week ago we were freaking out because trump was starring a trade war and now we're freaking out because he's starting a war-war? we're, like, oh, man, i miss the old trump! ( laughter ) although, to be fair, this is not exactly an escalation, this invasion, because america already invades mexico every spring break. ( applause ) and these people, by the way, who go down to mexico, they're
bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists, and some, i assume, are good people. ( applause ) i've heard. i've seen. ( cheers and applause ) and don't get me wrong. of course trump and his administration are not just making new enemies, they're also rebooting old ones. >> the white house is raising stakes with iran, national security advisor michael flynn lashing out at iranians for a missile tropical storm. >> trump criticized agreements reached between iran and the obama administration, instead of being thankful to the united states in these agreements, iran is feeling emboldened. as of today, we are officially putting iran on notice. >> trevor: holy (bleep) -- iran is officially on notice. do you know what that means? actually, nobody knows what it means. yeah, but it's provocative. it gets the people going.
( laughter ) there is no such thing as officially being on notice. that's the opposite of official. yoyou've got to say you're on notice. flynn sounds less lick a general than the atlanta housewives. iran caused a scene at my dinner party so she's officially -- if you were to guess who trump would be heading to war with two weeks into his presidenty, we would have probably picked mexico and had iran. who would you have had as a third? think about it. no, try again. no, no, another country. try again. like, you want to go way down on your list. >> the president is ms taking a hard line with australia, reportedly slamming the prime minister during a phone call. >> a shouting match between him and australia's prime minister. >> accusing him of trying to send u.s. the next boston bombers, referring to an agreement to send 1250 refugees
here. mr. trump hanging up after just 25 minutes -- >> trevor: who picks a quite with koala island? ( laughter ) it's one of america's closest and chillist allies, people. their catch phrase is literally "no worries." but trump picked a fight with them, and an hour after the fight, he tweeted -- do you believe it? the obama administration agreed to take thousands of illegal immigrants from australia! why? i will study this dumb deal! ( applause ) >> trevor: now, can i just say, you have to be some kind of genius to pack so much wrong into just 140 characters. first of all, how do you know it's a dumb deal if you haven't studied it yet? maybe next time you want to study the deal before you get on the phone with a foreign leader an (bleep) on him. also they're not illegal
immigrants. they're refugees, refugees the u.s. made a legal agreement to accept. in trump's mind, everyone is an illegal agreement. everyone. they just haven't come over yet. everyone's an illegal immigrant! it's happening! ( laughter ) so the question is, how did this all happen? >> i talked to one administration official who said look at the context of his schedule, of his day. he talked to five world leaders on saturday, last saturday, at the end of a long week in the white house, and they said simply, by the time he got to the australian phone call, he was a little fatigued. ( laughter ) >> trevor: so trump damaged relations with a key strategic ally because he missed nap time? ( laughter ) that is the cutest, most terrifying excuse i have ever heard! and it makes sense because toddlers are tie rants and now you understand trump. it all makes sense. i thought trump was supposed to be the high-energy candidate, stamina was his thing, remember? that's what he said.
you think jeb bush gets cranky on phone calls? no, because no one calls him. ( laughter ) no one. but my point stands. all right, when you've got australia thinking that you're an (bleep), maybe it's time for you to ask the question, is trump really going to make america first or just going to make america alone? the signs aren't good, especially if trump's leaked australia phone call is anything to go buy. >> well, g'day, president trump, i'd like to talk about our refugee agreement. >> listen up, boomerang joe, i'm canceling the agreement, we don't need anything. keep them in your weak, unsafe country which is a tote dill sister. >> president trump, i'm sure if you visited sometimes you would be able to. >> no need to visit. i have been to the outback steakhouse, not impressed. i'm going to hang up open you now, fantastic power move.
tiki barber running hambone!a barber shop?t hut! yes!!! surprising. yes!!! what's not surprising? how much money david saved by switching to geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. who's next? if there was any way to make the $10 any pizza carryout deal from pizza hut any easier or any better we'd do it. but any way we slice it, you're free to choose any large pizza with any toppings, or any recipe- -like supreme or meat lover's on original pan crust. the $10 any pizza - no one outpizzas the hut. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to
"the daily show." the non-stop trump insanity is wearing a lot of people down, including our correspondents. so we decided to give roy wood, jr. a break from the madness by sending him to cover something wholesome, pure and innocent. the n.f.l. >> these last two weeks have been the worst of my career as a political reporter. >> the world is a mess. >> but now i have a chance to escape with a new assignment -- supesuper bowl li media day, the patriots and falcons. i was ready because i was wearing sneakers and a sport coat. in here there is no talk about a wall or banning muslims, just a bunch of americans celebrating the best of the country which is a bunch of people just (bleep) each other up. >> we have to play well. they're an incredible opponent and do a lot of things well so it's going to be all three phases of the game.
>> i have to be honest, i wasn't listening because it's amazing to be part of this because it's a crazy (bleep) orange demagogue outside. how do you feel about the 14 fumbles you made in week 12. >> i fumbled the ball 14 times? >> 14 times. i'm using alternative stats. >> oh, i don't even know what to say about that. >> it's the stats. it's got to be real. it's on the paper. so you're from minnesota, but you play in atlanta. >> correct. >> were you vetted before you became an atlanta citizen is this. >> i don't know. i got a driver's license for -- >> got a birth certificate? >> yeah. not on nee. >> birth certificate but not on you. >> you got yours on you. >> ain't about me. it's about you, bro. just look in my eyes and ask a nonpolitical question -- so what do you think is going to happen sunday? don't bring up trump -- trump,
you still think we're going to have a country sunday? oh! hang on. perhaps super bowl media the day isn't the place to transition covering sports from politics. i need an expert like katy. >> you have to leave the politics a hope. this is a beautiful thing. remember, this is where we go to escape. this is what makes america beautiful. ask about offense and defense. you've got this! tell me you've got this! >> i've got it! >> let's go! let's go! the entrance is to the left! >> katy is right, not about red and blue, it's about xs and os. keep the question simple. do you play football? >> yeah. >> do you like playing football. >> yeah. >> two for two! do you play for the new england patriots? >> yes. >> it's exciting, right? it's exciting, right? >> yes, it's exciting.
>> it's a good time. >> super bowl, baby. >> pretty cool. >> whole world's on fire outside but here we are. got to get it from the sideline. hang on a second. what's faster, rabbit, bird, dolphin, horse. >> rabid. >> definitely say bird. >> i was getting good at this and there was nothing in here to remind me of donald trump's awful policies. >> obviously my name is muhamad, a lot of people know i'm muslim. >> there are muslim and mexicans in the n.f.l. two groups impossible to separate from trump. and this guy. tom braidy. >> phenomenal guy. >> sometimes he calls me, sometimes i call him. >> who's my hero? >> no, no, no! i don't want to hear that. in fact, get me out of here! i need to protest. if i'm going to cover politics,
i'm going to cover politics! ( chanting ) what is your plan to defeat the patriots is this. >> uh -- >> hang on. i'm sorry. that's my super bowl question. i was a little rusty, but it was still good to be back home. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you, roy wood, jr., everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) play marian hill. ♪ ♪are you down, d-d-down, d-d-down,♪ ♪d-d-down, down, down? ♪are you... down, d-down, down,♪ ♪d-d-d-d-down, down, down, down?♪ ♪down, d-down, down, down, ♪d-d-d-d-down, down, down, down?♪
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american negro. going well, but he's leaving it too late. that negro is dangerous! yards from the straight, williams is ahead. ( cheers and applause ) roberts is challenging him but williams leads -- oh, look! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: please welcome blair underwood! ( cheers and applause ) >> can you believe that -- that negro is dangerous! he's a black panther! >> trevor: that is one of the craziest clips i've seen. you know the stories but when
you see it again, it comes back to life. before we talk about the documentary, let's talk about "quantico." you're playing a member of the c.i.a. >> right. >> trevor: have you always wanted to be a spy? >> that i always aspired to be? >> trevor: yeah. >> not so much a spy. us actors we kind of lie for a living and i guess when you're a spy you live a life where you have to -- you know, it's covert and you have to be undercover and sometimes speak the truth and oftentimes not. >> trevor: "quantico" is a united nations of people. you have a supermega star from india and a south african actress in it as well. do you guys sometimes sit around and have world discussions. >> we actually do especially after this whole ban in terms of what does that do to green cards and people coming and going. we have erin diaz from mexico
and england. >> trevor: that would be weird on a show where they go this character will no longer be played because they can no longer come into the country. that would be a weird plot move -- where are they? they couldn't get into the country for the scene! i mean, that's a scary world to be living in. you know, the lawyers are handling it and again it's strange. you were in l.a. law during the time that you were doing research for your character, you were trying to find a black, harvard law associate, someone who could teach you the game, and you met a man who was at harvard, who could teach you what it's like to be a lawyer, and that man was barack obama. >> yeah, that's right. >> trevor: was there, like, a smell of president on him? >> it must have been the hair gel. i was thinking that smells very presidential. >> trevor: when you met barack obama for the first time, this is a circumstance where you don't know, but was there anything about him?
this guy's special? >> yeah, he was very impressive. my character on l.a. law was the first president of the harvard law review, as, of course, obama was. when we went there, the writers and myself were invited to go there because of my character's backstory, and they kept saying you have to meet this guy who really is the editor of the harvard law review which was prestigious, and everybody gave him props, deservedly so, but he was impressive, quiet. >> trevor: did he always have that thing -- what's going on? what's happening? ( laughter ) let's talk about the documentary. the 1936 olympics, everyone knows the story of america beating the germans. a lot of people don't realize that, at the same time, black athletes were at odds with america. >> that's exactly right. we often know about jesse owens, the one black athlete who won four gold medals, but 17 others that history has forgotten about and this is a documentary that tells their story.
but you're right, they were kind of stuck in the middle because we were dealing with jim crow and racism in america but you represent your country in nazi germany in 1936. an incredible story. props and love to debra who wrote and directed it, she was nice enough to ask me to narrate it which i did. it's been an honor. but i have to tell you, even jesse owens and these 17 athletes in 1936 were not invited to f.d.r.'s white house. i think jesse came later in the '80s but these others were not invited. president obama invited family members who posthumously on the othehonoredthem. it was very emotional. >> trevor: an amazing story that needs to be told. >> like "hidden figures" now. so many stories in everybody's culture. but i'll speak to my culture
that haven't been forgotten. it's an exciting time. >> trevor: i appreciate that. thanks for being on the show. "quantico" on mondays, abc, blair underwood, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ out out! get get get! grrr! did you find everything okay, sir? whaaaaat? get up...and get down at cricket wireless. where plans start at only $30/month. and more 4g lte coverage than t-mobile or sprint. plus, when you switch now you can get a brand new smartphone for free. cricket wireless. something to smile about.
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this is how many people were born here. this many are fifth generation. this is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. he keeps the town dry. they'd prefer it a little wet. this many are proud of what we make here. this is how many will go around bragging about it. this is our town. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. we send them all over. they look like this. tonight, thank you so much for tuning in! now here it is... your moment of zen. >> australia has always been there side by side with the united states just like britain. >> in the outback, the roos are self-arming. ( laughter ) >> i'm not sure what that means.
( cheers and applause ) ♪ (cheers and applause). >> chris: it 29 minutes until midnight. let's get on the field and give it all we got. i just want to say a side thing. this guy in the hat with the long hair that throws to the show every day, that is our stage manager john stewart, i just want to say, johnny is a ledge end, he's been on this show for every one of the 500 and plus episodes and his daughter is hosting snl on saturday night, you guys should watch it. (cheers and applause) >> chris: there is other stuff going on. super bowl sunday is this weekend too i'm told. it is the only day of the year when knowing roman neum rales is at all useful. the game kicks off at