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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 13, 2017 11:31pm-12:05am PST

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captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, thank you. my gosh -- hopefully we won't be canceled by then because we are live tonight and all week! so, if any of the comics say anything horrible and we can't take it back, i didn't do it. let's look at what is trending ob line now. super girl at the top. great. flint is there. michael flint, trump's national security adviser, has resigned because of his alleged ties to russia.
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wait are you cheering he was tied to russia? >> new expression, out like flint. >> chris: very good. a hundred points to tom lennon for that. [cheers and applause] >> chris: this is a big win for democrats. the front runner to replace lint is shadamir putin. [laughing] >> chris: seems like a real straight shooter and he will straight up shoot you. we can't cut out the bad jokes now, guys. can't edit this out. it's live. other political news. donald trump is bad at shaking hands. take a look. [laughing] >> chris: so -- how is it going.
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hey, how is it going. >> what, what, what, what. >> are you okay? chris: i'm powerful. i'm strong. see how strong i am. i'm the strongest man in the world. [laughing] >> chris: -- that compilation by vice news is -- that's the art of the deal -- way better than i thought it would be when i heard it was a video of trump [beep] dudes. obviously this arm-wrestlin -- i'm sure he read about it in a self-help book that also tells you to drink raw eggs and visualize your penis growing every morning. but it didn't work on maple-blooded hunk and canadian prime minister justin trudeau, who shut down the incoming tugs in one swift shoulder seize this afternoon. take a look.
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oh! [cheers and applause] >> chris: they're hockey players. you can't do that. they're use to being on skates. "the coach said we had to shake hands after the game but he didn't say we have to like it!" so comedians, since trump's ploy was counteracted by trudeau, what's a canadian power move? milana. >> affordable healthcare for all of their si citizens. >> chris: good. tom lennon. >> hey, usa, you don't think we already have a sleeper cell inside of you. guess what give us one reason and we activate the bare naked ladies. >> chris: points. very good. oh, no, i can hear it now. the attack signal is --
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[laughing] >> i don't want that song in my head. i don't want that song in my head. >> can't afford the [beep] >> this one. >> and that is that. chris: great. lake harrison ford you're getting frantic. just speak it. kyle, kyle. >> they got a whole city up there called regina, and we're not suppose to laugh when they say it. [laughing] >> chris: points for kyle kinane. >> what are we is a pose to do. chris: we're doing this earlier it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. please play along. last night's grammy awards was a massive spectacle. i was hosting talking dead. the grammys had us yearning for the glory days of music.
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and by that, i of course mean the 90's. ya, ya! back when the shirts were flannel and the ice was vanilla. i mean, before beyonce, there was lauryn hill! before bruno mars, there was boyz ii men! before justin bieber, there was big mouth billy bass. [laughing] >> chris: please i'm begging for someone to make big mouth beaver bass. so sorry and back. [laughing] >> chris: i would own that. so we're gonna celebrate the grungier music era with tonight's hashtag, #ruina90ssong. examples might be, baby got back problems and smells like teen anus. that's one we would of edited out. >> can't edit it out tonight. hris: we're all in. all in. begin. kyle. >> whitney houston, i'm everyone
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women. except it's me kyle kinane i'm every women. >> chris: tom. >> don't go chasing water foul. chris: oh. just stick to the rivers and the lakes. milana. >> listen y'all, it's a ma man-o-pause. [laughing] >> chris: points. we have one from the internet from@ rhinestone451 i'm too sexy for my jinkos. anyone else? good. tom, no? tom. beep! >> how do you talk to criss angel. >> chris: very good, points. milana. >> living lavida rocker. chris: very good. kyle. >> i have nothing. i cherish that music from the
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e.r.a.. >> chris: very good. [ applause ] >> chris: send us your #ruina90ssong and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. tonight's comedians are guest starring on "lethal weapon" this wednesday on fox, it's tom lennon. [cheers and applause] >> chris: from "this is us," tuesdays on nbc, it's milana vayntrub. [cheers and applause] >> chris: performing at akbar in los angeles march 5th, it's kyle kinane. [cheers and applause] >> chris: kyle! please explain your shirt. >> oh, man. what is there to explain. [laughing] i saw the grammys last night. some lousy singer had a shirt on that said "make america great again" her record sales went through the roof today. so it proves those [beep] trump fans will buy anything. by the way -- i just wanted to
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point out you're the only one with a shaved head wearing that ironically. [laughing] >> this shirt is all things that people on facebook live wanted me to put on it. the names. there is one other comment. kyle kinane is on -- >> chris: don't forget you can vote for your favorite comedian to receive 5000 bonus points by tweeting their hashtag at the bottom of the screen. next up the bachelor et. it's monday night, not football season. bachelorette is trending on twitter. the next bachelorette would be rachel lindsay. the first african-american lead in the show 33 season history. we had a black president for 8 years. couldn't catch up, congratulations to rachel. comedians, how will they make
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the baccalaureate more inclusive. >> in the hot tub you can get both hepatitis b and hepatitis c, claro. >> chris: very good, points. my god. >> you can't cut it out. chris: i guess i can't. >> i'm all in. all in. >> chris: people are going to g. i do we just cut them out. not this week. >> cut to the south park reruns. hris: kyle. >> please introduce -- chris: trust me i did, i recorded it last week. >> no, i think it's great. it's teaching that women of any race can become flesh trophies that mor morons -- >> chris: i feel like -- the crowd has turned. oh my god.
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>> that's all you have to do? you whims. >> chris: guys, no points. >> milana. [booing] >> get them out of here. >> that's right you boo that kyle kinane. >> do it. then remember he's on itunes. >> milana? >> you can now have a satanic priest at your fake wedding. >> chris: very good. that's the end of rapid refresh. please send in your hashtag. we will read them through the show. we will be back wit
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i'm not really great with words but... it's kinda hard to describe. it's like a... i don't know. i'm just going to say it, alright you are completely and utterly... my friend. music: (piano cover of guns n' roses "sweet child o' mine) ♪ (cat meows) ♪ (snap) ♪ (cat meows) sheba® perfect portions™. what cats want™
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[cellphone ring] uh oh, should have put that phone on silent. luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can hide his guilt with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident. cherish your teeth.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight" live. live entries for our
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#ruina90ssong. do we bring them in or i read them. here we go. i have sex and candy. like like baby. pretty good, i have a couple more. my shart will go on. and tamara rose on twitter said, hit my baby one more time. [laughing] >> chris: someone wanted to know why i didn't say something on talking dead last night. it's "@midnight" time. it's time to play, closing all the factories down. [cheers and applause] this past weekend we saw -- jim jefferies made an amazing appearance on real time. so much fun. we decided we wanted to pick our own fights. not just anyone, but our mortal enemy the cheesecake factory. that's right, ya, ya. that's right.
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why number one, the cheapcake factory hasn't advertised with us once. you think you're too good to run ads on our show, you two-bit fettuccini-and-toe-nail assembly line? the gloves are off. two, one time they gave our cuddliest writer, jordan morris, indigestion so bad he had to wear a wetsuit for a week. this is -- filled with poop. and three, after all the times we've made fun of them they have never acknowledged us even once. we've made fun of them literally dozens of times. or hundreds of times. here's just a few. >> lately the world is a bad scary place like the toilet of a cheesecake factory on mardi gras. >> i can't phablg in this diarrhea came from a cheek cake
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factory. >> this girl has deep throated a lifesaver in a cheesecake factory. >> i call my sra dine a the cheesecake factory. >> a tkhaoebg cake factory menu. >> cheek cake factory diabetes. >> much like a dish at a cheesecake factory this never ends. >> i have a pooh. i have a plate. uhhh, cheesecake factory. [laughing] >> it feels like we're trying to push a chud out of our birth canal in a cheesecake factory dumpster. >> chris: ya. [cheers and applause] the real name, they never respond to is. but they sure as hell get back to anyone who ever tweets anything negative about them. their whole twitter is page after page of @cheesecake apologizing to people who said
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their cobb salad had a live bat in it or whatever. so comedians, i'm going to show you a tweet about the cheesecake factory and for 250 points i want you to answer a follow-up question. first up, @anggetsfit says that she's home sick and when her followers ask why, she responds: "i think it was from a crab raccoon i had leftover from cheesecake factory." we're not sure what a crab raccoons? maybe they took to trash eating skaf an skwrers -- i think they changed their mind and were fishing it out they grabbed a raccoon as well. comedians, make up another upsetting concoction you might get at cheesecake factory. tom lennon. >> first of all, your literally have a name getfit how often do you eat at the cheesecake factory. >> she is constantly trying to get fit. >> because of.
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chris: milana. [laughing] >> chris: milana vayntrub. >> penis butter and jelly. [laughing] >> chris: points. my favorite nut butter. kyle. >> -- there is a pattern here. i say but the holes calamari. >> chris: very good of. >> that's not a joke, that's a fact. >> chris: listen up cheesecake factory. "@midnight" won't be ignored anymore. we love to stop dicking on you but i need a choice and attention from you for some reason. so comedians, i need you to give me a tweet we can send to @cheesecake to get their attention, and we'll have everyone in studio and at home tweet it out. tom. >> hey@ cheesecake i just burned my genitals on your loaded baked
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potato tot. how about an rt. >> chris: pretty good one. milana. >> hey@cheesecake. is my waiter right will the sun -- up by butt. >> depends on the dipping sauce. [laughing] >> not ketchup. >> ketchup will work. stay away from the aoli. >> aoli. [cheers and applause] >> oh, cut it out. chris: we can't cut it out. >> it can never be cut out. ever! >> a time limit. hey, cheesecake my grandfather died from gram cracker lung working in your factory, how about a gift card. >> chris: alright. i think tom lennon's is the one
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we're going with. everyone in the audience and at home write hey@cheesecake i burned by genitals on your baked potato tots how about an rt. they may do. [cheers and applause]'s rewards program is simple. for every 10 nights i stay, i get one free. cell phone captain obvious. this on the other hand, will not be simple. you gonna have to ride the belt.
11:52 pm so simple, it's the obvious choice. i have liquids in my body! this is one gorgeous truck. special edition. oh, did i say there's only one special edition? because, actually there's 5. aaaahh!! ooohh!! uh! holy mackerel. wow. nice. strength and style. which one's your favorite? come home with me! it's truck month! find your tag for an average total value over $11,000 on chevy silverado all star editions when you finance through gm financial. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. classic hershey's outside. with a new creamy, crunchy inside.
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new hershey's cookie layer crunch. classic reimagined.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight" we can't edit anything. before the break i asked to tweet to the cheesecake factory.
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before that, this ruined a 90s song. cn chose cake factory. things that make you go poo. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so the tweet is at the bottom of the screen. it's easy. if you do one thing tonight. make it be this, why not. people are like, what -- now it's time to play please pull yourself around. burger king has a racy valentine's meal with a adult toy. fast food sex toys. your move in and out. you're called in and out. the erotic combo gets you two whoppers, two fries, two beers
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and a few toys. i think a vibrating onion ring. a 50 shade darker. a feather dusker, scalp massager. what is something sexy you may hear in a burger king drive through. tom. >> isn't burger king in israel the burger king of king. [laughing] >> chris: points for. that you don't need to say nothing else. >> i won't even make a skwhroebg. i will shut up now. >> chris: don't get greedy. milana. >> hey, your whopper may appear to be a whopper junior but that's only cuz it's cold in here. >> chris: very good. kyle. >> please pull up to window number two. window number two is what i call
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my butt. >> chris: very good. now before we go, eliminating someone let's check the popular it poll. who is ahead. we see that milana vayntrub is ahead. meaning she gets 5000 bonus points. that means we're eliminating in last place, kyle kinane. kyle has been eliminated. >> it's ribbed, all ribbed. chris: this is -- this is the saddest bedazzling i have seen. kyle kinane, any last words before se see eliminate you? >> enjoy your telephone show you're on, winners. back to telling people when brickle berries reruns -- >> chris: fantastic. red light. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to mess up the lincoln bedroom. it's for the win!
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sunday was abraham lincoln's birthday, and to celebrate, the g.o.p. tweeted out their favorite inspirational lincoln quote, "and in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. it's the life in your years." but it turns out lincoln never said it. i though the internet quote was false. the g.o.p. deleted the tweet, but not before the internet grabbed onto it and made their own fake lincoln quotes like, "we don't need no hateration, holleration in this danceree." and, "anything's a dildo if you're brave enough." [cheers and applause] >> chris: this explains the stovepipe hat. comedians, i want you to come up with your favorite fake inspirational lincoln quote. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." live! [cheers and applause] ♪ dear predictable, there's no other way to say this. it's over.
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i've found a permanent escape from monotony. someone who desires more than just beauty alone. who prefers elusive over usual. powerful over passive. together, we are perfectly balanced, our senses awake, our hearts racing as one. i know this is sudden, but you know what they say: if you love something... set it free. see you around, giulia ♪ jetime to say your goodbyes. >>man, 21 - 3! we're live.
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>>no, no, no... 3rd quarter. this is the third quar- [sfx: squibs] ugh, jeremiah, you got us. can we, uh...again? >>oh, jeremiah! you have saved just doing what's right, m'am "best cracked pepper sauce" barbeque trophies: "most ribs eaten while calf roping". yep. greatness deserves recognition. you got any trophies, cowboy? uh, yea, well, uh... well, there's this one. "best insurance mobile app"? yep, three years in a row. well i'll be! does that thing just follow you around?
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like a little puppy. the award-winning geico app. download it today. [cellphone ring] uh oh, should have put that phone on silent. luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can hide his guilt with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident. cherish your teeth. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." we are live. it's time for for the win. i will prove we are live. if we weren't live they would cut this out. [laughing] [cheers and applause]
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i am going to wipe your scores clean. this is fitting, amazing. i just -- you get the win based on that. >> i don't disagree. chris: we have a minute left. i will read the answers allowed. i will read a third entry by someone on-line. which means someone at home could steal for the win tonigh >> that could be kyle kinane. chris: before the break i showed you some fake abraham lincoln quotes and asked you to give me the greatest fake lincoln quote ever. let's see what you came up with. no it's masturbation proclamation. [cheers and applause] >> chris: very good. number two ... be the change you want to find in the urinal. [cheers and applause] >> chris: number three ... to be or not to be that is the question. another question is are farts just butt burps. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: what did you hear in the booth? i think -- okay. our meter, we have a meter in the booth. it sounds like number throw was the winner. butt burps. milana vayntrub has won the internet at midnight live. >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be mary lynn rajskub, al jackson and weird al yankovic. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #ruina90ssong and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. be nice to each other. goodnight [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at captioned by ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪
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(country music playing) wha...? it's called line dancing, professor. it's fun 'cause there's no touching and lots of rules. hey, look, a mechanical buggalo! out of my way, losers! i have a way with bucking mechanical things. yep. (sultrily): hey, baby. i'm bender. (feedback squeals) ooh-whee! gather 'round, yokel wannabes! this here city slicker's 'bout to get his nuts bolted! oh, yeah? if i don't set a new club record, i'll eat my hat. (bell rings, buzzer sounds) 0.4 seconds! a new club record for shortest ride. (cheers and applause) told you! yee-haw! still, someone should eat the hat.


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