tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 16, 2017 1:30am-2:14am PST
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[hip-hop music] [wolf howls] - you hear that? we better find these guys before the wolves do. - let's go. [dramatic music] - listen. - they've got atvs. just a joke to these guys. come on, we got to get to higher ground! - no. adam's our friend. if we don't fight back, there's no way he's surviving this game. so are you with me? - fine. okay predator shake? - yeah. - wait--yeah. what is that? - i'm so--i don't even know. - hit me with a beast master. - that's where i got that. - predator, up top.
[dramatic percussive music] ♪ - okay, here they come. just hold on the pants really tight. pull, when they drive through, we knock them off the atvs. - yeah. this is a really smart plan. - one, two-- - what the heck was that? ♪ - [laughing manically] - yeah! looks like the script is flipped. - that's right. good luck hunting people without any bullets, boys! how's this work? [gunshots] - oh! ow! yeah, it's okay. keep--oww! - oh, that really--
[gunshots] - mm, i think that's it. [gunshot] - ow! - nope, that's not it. all right, yep, i'm out. - i'm all out. i'm all out. - i'm out. - back to back. back to back. - what the hell is the matter with you? - oh, come on, man. we're on to you. we know all about your sick plan. hunting humans just because they're not as smart as you. - the heck are you talking about, hunting people? - oh, come on. the gig is up. i heard you no the phone saying "the little one is the target." i saw the plaque with adam's name on it where his severed head was supposed to go! - we're hunting wolves to protect you! there were three sighted around here, and one of them might be rabid. - the plaque is for his picture. we make one for every guest of honor. - okay, okay, so even if this way more plausible explanation is true, what's with this guy here? - he has a brain injury from concussions. he was the first guest of honor here. - ever since i was in the xfl, i've been in constant pain-- - i'm sorry, did you just say you were in the xfl? oh, my god, dude! - the xfl is legendary, man! did you know he hate me?
did he like you? would he like me? - he hate me loved me, but the point is, my life has been a constant torment-- - what team you were on? were you on the outlaws? or were you--ooh, maniax. you were on the maniax. i recognize you. - you are a maniac. - wolves. - oh, you're the wolves, okay. hey, mad respect. not necessarily the maniax. they were cool. where is that, duluth? - no, i think from washington. - no, no, actual wolves. look behind you, you morons! - oh, wolves! - oh, oh, oh! - i don't want to die, man. i never got to be deadpool for halloween. - was never in a threesome. at least one that i was allowed to participate in. - yahh! ders, you can still have your threesome, my man. and blake, you'll get to do the thing that you wanna do, even though i was too far away to hear exactly what that was. here, kitty! here, kitty, kitty, kitty! - adam, where'd you get the flare, man? - i got it from the cabin. i took a shower and i also ate some peaches. but while i was eating those peaches, i thought there's no way that i can let my friends be killed by these freaking murderous, villainous businessmen!
because not saving your friends, that really is stupid. - right, so, uh... not actually killer business dudes. we didn't know. he didn't know. - come on, man, throw, like, the flare at the wolves. make 'em go away. - shh. - adam, adam, what are you doing? do not be stupid, okay? just listen to the intelligent people, for once! - there are different kinds of intelligence, anders. there's environmental film watching intelligence. [retches] there's artificial intelligence, and there's the kind of intelligence that i have. the knowing that when you swallow a bunch of gasoline, it'll turn your puke... into fireballs. intelligence. [retching] ah, it's worse coming back up. okay... shh... it's okay, little kitty. [rock music] ahh!
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- we lied about adam. he doesn't actually have any kind of brain problems, but we wanted a free trip, so... obviously not even the dumbest guy in our group. - there's no dumb one in your group because you're all equal [bleep] idiots. if we don't get contain this fire, the whole forest could burn. - wait. what about that human penis i saw in the jar? - oh, uh...shh. guys, i have too much money, okay? and with the internet, forget about it. so, safe drive, okay? - internet's a weird place, man. i guess if i had, like, a billion dollars, i might want a dick. - hey, i think i know what we could watch on the way home. i still have it on my phone. - the environmental film? that'd be awesome, dude. - dude, if you liked "central intelligence," you'll love this movie. it's got dwayne "the rock" johnson. - he's a--he's a mogul. - mm-hmm. what's it called? - "san andreas." - i don't understand. what'd he say? - "san andreas." - oh, okay, cool, yeah. - nice.
comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody! welcome! welcome to "daily show." i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight, my guest tonight is one of the "new york times" reporters who has been reporting on the big russia story that everyone is talking about. mark mazzetti is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) from the bottom of where it begins. we'll see. but let's begin with breaking news from overseas. >> the half-brother of north korean dictator kim jong-un was murdered today while traveling in malaysia. >> police say an unidentified woman threw a cloth laced with liquid on his face. >> police saying cctv led them
to the femme fatale, a 28-year-old vietnamese woman in that l.o.l t-shirt. >> trevor: l.o.l? ( laughter ) imagine being assassinated by an internet meme. ( laughter ) it's like your last words would be like, "o.m.g., literally dying right now." ( laughter ) this is such a strange thing. this is real life. an arntioan assassin wearing an- assassins are supposed to blend in. there's a reason jason bourne didn't run around with an emoji on his top. you know what i mean? it's like, who was that man?" "oh, it's jason bourne. i recognized him by the poop thing on his shirts." but this is a really tragic story. not that you'd know it from the way condition condition covered it. >> an "un-expected" death. the half-brother of north korean dick tairlt kim jong-un dies
suddenly overseas. >> trevor: nooo. condition conditioncnn, why? and you've been doing so well recently. a man was killed here, and you're going with "un-expected." and that seems bad, until you realize that wolf blitzer has an "un-controllable problem. >> an "un-theme" threat. north korea said it could run an intercontinental missile. "un-healthy, "un-american" "un-fired. "un-welcome" "un-presprecedente" and close scrutiny. and "un-contested." they should say "un-contested." >> trevor: are you (bleep)
killing me? get help my friend. let's move on. let's move on. i don't know how we can, but let's move on. from the very beginning of donald trump's campaign, the nickname "teflon don" has seemed perfect for him because regardless of the scandal, trump has always emerged without consequence. this russia and flynn story it seems like that might change. general flynn was forced to resign as national security adviser. g.o.p. ?raertz calling for an investigation into trump's tries into russia. and mike pence is forcing trump to get his back tattoo of putin removed. ( laughter ) ( applause ) there are consequences. there are. yeah, that's a trump stamp. ( laughter ) ( applause ) anyway-- ( cheers ) anyway, trump's been fairly quiet since he was forced to fire flynn on monday night. but today he got chance to address the issue. >> michael flynn, general flynn, say wonderful man. i think he's been treated very,
very unfairly by the media. as i call it, the fake media in many cases. and i think it's really a sad thing that he was treated so badly. >> trevor: yeah, yeah, it's really not fair that journalists did their job by reporting that flynn lied to the vice president about speaking to the russians. yeah, that's sad. wait, that's what you call unfair? or as wolf blitzer would say "un-fair"? who is this person? also, donald trump, you realize that you fired flynn, right? ( laughter ) you fired him. ( applause ) the media didn't fire him. you fired him. that's-- that's the one part of this job you should understand. they screw up. you fire them. remember this? remember this? ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm starting to think that nbc show wasn't real at all. i'm just going to put it out
there. ( laughter ) the more you watch donald trump, the less he makes sense. and we can't lie. let's be honest-- he's got us all confuse. he fired flynn, but now he's acting like he doesn't know why it happened. like, "we've been wrack our brains over everything. is it incompetence? is it some master plan?" and then we saw, it's been in front of us the whole time. >> donald trump is 70 years old. >> donald trump will be the oldest person to be president of the united states. >> the oldest man ever to be inaugurated. ( laughter ). >> trevor: guys, trump's an old man. no, like, really old. and maybe that's just it. ( laughter ) maybe that's just it. think about it. who watches a ton of tv news and complains about everything they see? ( laughter ) ( applause ) old people. who-- who goes to florida because their bones can't handle the cold?
old people. and look at that ass, and tell me that's not an adult diaper under those pants. he literally has junk in his trunk, people! ( laughter ) donald trump is an old man. like, what's one thing you know old people love to do? talk about how good things used to be. when they weren't old. >> so when i was young, and went to school, i had always heard we never lost, this country, we never lost a war. oh, i remember those stories. oh, i love the old days you know. there's a guy, totally disruptive, throwing punches. we're not allowed to punch back anymore. i love the old days. >> trevor: yeah, trump. and now that you're president, we mis the old days, too. ( laughter ) ( applause ) . ( cheers ) everyone, everyone. even-- even babies miss old
days. ( laughter ) they're like, "becom, "bama, hod change me." when you look back, donald trump has been showing signs of aging fair while. we just weren't paying attention. like, before all this president stuff he would just sit at his desk at trump tower and make the most random lunchtime videos. >> major league baicialg let pete rose into the hall of fame. he deserves it. president obama was constantly chewing gum. i will not have anything to do with geico as long as i that commercial-- we ought to boycott geico. they've got this third-rate guy acting like he's humphrey bogart. they're remaking "indiana jones" without harrison ford. you can't do that. and now they're making "ghostbusters" with only women. i love just about more than anything waffles when they're done properly with butter and syrup. there's nothing better than properly done waffles with butter and syrup all over them.
>> trevor: i'm sorry, no, i'm sorry, wait. ( applause ) no, no. no, how did this man become president? ( laughter ) waffles? he's old! nothing says grandpa like speak at shakespearean length about breakfast. he knows everything about that meal. where is this waffle-level expertise when talking about trade policies or health care reform or unemployment numbers. you can't put syrup on unemployment numbers. you can trierk but you can't. maybe the c.i.a. needs to conduct briefings over breakfast so he'll understand. the isis sausage is invading the syria muffin. are you with me? like, once you realize how old trump is, he seems a lot less diabolical and a lot more... sad. because as any nigerian scam artist will tell you, old people really easy to take advantage
of. >> president trump did not know the contents of one of the executive orders he was signing. he did not know he was putting steve bannon, giving him a permanent seat on the national security council. >> trevor: poor trump. he was just handing him executive orders. it was like his grand kids trying to get their inheritance early. "what is this? euthanasia? is this about asians? i'll sign it. longs you get rid of them." "we're getting rid of something, grandpa." "that's right, good job, good job." people, maybe we've been too hard on trump. maybe he's not racist. he's just really old. yeah. call your grandparent right now. call them. and casually ask them them what they think of any race. see what happens. ( laughter ) if we weren't living in this world, this would be a really hilarious situation. think about it.
a 70-something-year-old xenophobic grandpa somehow becomes the leader of the most powerful nation in the world. it sounds less like reality and more like the premise of an nbc sitcom. >> he's the commander in chief and he's a real rale old man. >> it's 4:00! where's my dinner. >> meet president grandpa in tv's number one new hit comedy "golden guys." >> good you're here. we need the windows cleaned. >> i am the president of the ecuador. >> i don't care what door you came in. >> the "new york times" calls it "a terrible show. >> the terrorist leader is getting away. >> we need a decision now, sir. >> diever tell you about the time i found $5 in my jacket? ( laughter ) did i ever tell you about the time i in the an oriental man in the market? ( laughter ) oh, did i ever tell you about the time i caught a shark? did i ever tell you about the time i invented jazz?
we originally called it jazz movie ma-tazz, but a colored guy shortened it. >> the critics are calling it realistic and too true to be funny. >> how is that hot wife of yours? nurse? nurse? in doesn't the nurse button work. >> it doesn't say nurse, it says nukes. >> "golden guy," monday through sunday for the next four years. only on nbc. >> trevor: we're all going to be watching. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) with hotels.com's rewards program for every 10 nights you stay, you get one free. which is great for families. finally! whatever captain obvious. hotels.com. great for families. mom! and for sore losers!
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( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back. now, guys, i know that the last month has been rough. but today, i remembered that life with donald trump can also be pretty funny. i mean, we all agree donald trump is going to destroy the world. ( laughter ) but we cannot deny that it will be an amusing destruction. yeah, it's like an asteroid is headed to earth but it's shaped like a penis. you know what i mean? you're like ha-ha-ha!
i was thinking about this today abuse trump had his most important meetings with a foreign leader yet when israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu came to the very famous white house, and had a conversation. and, look, peace between exprl palestine is one of those problems that no one has been able to solve. it's so complicated. there's settlements. there's violence, there's border lines, there's terrorism. for a century, the sides haven't been able to come together. but trump isn't worried at all. just listen to him give his views on whether israelis and palestinians should live in two separate states or one. >> so i'm looking at two-state and one-state, and i like the one that both parties like. i'm very happy with the one that both parties like. i can live with either one. i thought fair while the two state looked like it may be the easier of the two, but honestly
if bibi, and israel and the palestinians are happen, i'm happy with the one they like the best. ( laughter ) >> trevor: did this guy just tell us the problem like it was the solution? he said, "what you need is everyone agrees with each other. yeah. i don't know why this took you guys so long. there we go. done, done." trump wouldn't best hostage negotiation ever. "whatever makes both the hostages and hostage takers happy, that works for me. let's work together, guys. come on." here's another thing-- ( laughter ) really? really? this is-- this is not-- please, can we-- thank you. i hate-- i hate those promos. sorry. you know what? watching donald trump's diplomacy is a surreal experience because-- because what's the one thing most leaders struggle with when talking to israel? is figuring out how to broach the sensitive topic of illegal
settlements. but as i said, most leaders struggle. >> as far as settlements, i'd like to see you hold back on settlement fairs little bit. we'll work something out. ( laughter ). >> trevor: i'm sorry, donald trump is a genius. no one has ever thought to just straight up ask netanyahu to stop the settlements. like he just asked him. he asked him like a neighbor telling him to turn downtown music. "hey, you're going to turn the music down. do you mind? do you mind turning it down? all right, what's the next issue? let's move "o." look at netanyahu in his eyes, even he does not know what to do with the man they call el donaldo." >> i think we're going to make a deal. it might be a bigger and better deal than people in this room understand. that's a possibility. so let's see what we do. ( laughter )
( applause ) doesn't sound too optimistic. >> trevor: you can see netanyahu is like, "who the (bleep) is this diewld?" ( laughter ) you know, trump is either genius or he is the biggest idiot the world has ever seen. because i honestly wonder if trump's plan is to be such a bumbling fool, that israel and palestine are going to getting in a room and be like, "i think we can both agree that guy say (bleep) moron." ( cheers and applause ) "that guy is a (bleep) moron. we better solve this problem before he tries to help out." we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ their competitors' rates alongside their direct rate to save you money. but what's really going on?
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what do you want to be remembered for? ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "daily show." my guest tonight is the washington investigation's editor for the "new york times" and author of "the way of the knife." please welcome mark mazzetti. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: what a time to be alive, especially as part of the failing "new york times." >> sad. >> trevor: sad, sad. is that like your slogan now in the office, sad. you're not sad right now. you're one of the reporters who has been talking about what has been happening in the intelligence community. this is a story that everyone knows a little piece about. but no one seems to know the full story about. what makes the story so unique with trump, the russians, and
flynn? >> i think you probably have to start by looking at what happened during the election. the conclusion of the intelligence community that the-- with pretty overwhelming confidence that the russians hacked the election through hack the d.n.c., through social media, et cetera. if you take that, then you also have to look at what are these strange contacts that were going on between the trump team and russian officials? and that's what the f.b.i. is looking at. and then you have on top of that, the phone calls that former national security adviser flynn made in december to the russian ambassador in the u.s., and all these things together, they don't add up to anything yet in terms of any kind of collusion or any direct proof of anything. but it's something that the f.b.i. is looking into. and it already cost general flynn his job. >> trevor: but you, now, if it's not a story that means anything just yet, or something we're not able to understand, why is it such a big deal?
>> it may be innocent, and we don't know. you're right. there is nothing wrong way campaign talking to leaders or officials from other governments. >> trevor: yeah >> the one question is who they were talking to and what they were talking about, and that's one of the things this investigation is looking into. and you have to add on to the fact though, there is--as i said, this, you know, mountain of evidence that a lot of-- we should say that nobody has seen publicly. it's still the intelligence community. they concluded they were trying to turn the election towards trump in the outcome. they are all things-- they're different pieces of a puzzle that hasn't been put together yet. so we're trying to go as far as we can one day at a time. >> trevor: you're in an interesting situation as a journalist-- the media is- >> what would be the best
case-worst case. nothing untoward happened and what would the worst-case scenario be? >> certainly, right, if on the flynn story is that he-- just that he lied to the vice president, then that would be a contained issue. i think that the bigger issue is what may be going on in an investigation into-- which is a pretty wide investigation-- into russian activity in the election, contact with american officials, with campaign officials. and remember, it's not just the f.b.i. the senate is now looking at it as well. if anyone was ever to put these things together, and to show real-- real ties over the hack or any kind of collusion-- that would be a very, very serious thing. but i should caution, that nobody's there yet, and as we say in our story today, nobody has seen any direct evidence of collusion between the trump campaign and the russians. so at this point we're saying what we can, but we're continuing to follow the story.
>> trevor: when you report these stories do you have a "to go" bag ready? because you know there's a chance trump's going to come after you, right? do you have, like, a bag packed of all your stuff and a passport. are you ready to roll? >> always, i'm always ready to roll. it wasn't like the previous administration was all that friendly to journalists, either, or the administration before that. it's something that we're finding-- it's not a republican or democrat thing or a trump thing or an obama thing. it is just that are you seeing a real effort by the government to go after leaks, to go after source for journalists, and it's going to continue. and so it's one thing that-- i guess republicans and democrats can agree on is that, you know, they don't like leaks and they're going to blame the press. so we're-- year-- you know, we're dealing with it with trump, but we're used to. >> trevor: good luck with that, my friend. >> thank you. >> trevor: thanks for coming on on the show.
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tonight. real quick, real quick. if you feel like trump tweets like a child. the daily show has a browser extension that automatically changes donald trump's tweets into how they were meant to be read-- as the crayon scribbles of a child. dial the free extension: that's "make trump tweet 8 again.com." you're welcome. coming up next "@midnight" is live. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> mr. president can you answer any questions about your contacts with the russians during the campaign? ( applause ) comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, and we are live! and if my kids are watching this, go to bed, you little scamps! go to bed. you're not even born yet! i just got married. get off my back. the latest casualty of the donald trump presidential train wreck continued today with fast food executive andrew puzder withdrawing his nomination for secretary of labor. leaving him free to go back to his previous job being the guy at illuminati sex parties who shouts "ass-to-ass." [cheers and applause] >> ass to ass! [laughing] >> chris: that's definitely him. >> we need to acknowledge that