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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  February 23, 2017 1:40am-2:11am PST

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- ♪ k♪ k it - we won! - the best friend boys! - we won. hey, jillian, why don't you call it? - call it.
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- 'cause we're the champions. - yeah, call it. - that was the hospital. helen died. - oh. - and left me $48,000! - oh, my god. lucky. - i'm never working again! oh, i'm so rich! i'm so rich! i'm taking this. i'm taking this shit right here. whoo! i can buy a new one! i got that jennifer lawrence money, bitch! - whoo! ha-ha! you ready for this knucklepuck? - i was born ready, baby. i can't believe this is happening. it's knucklepuck time! - wait, no, i get to say that. okay, the person who hits it says, "it's knucklepuck time." - okay. it's knucklepuck time. - it's knucklepuck time. - knucklepuck time. - guys, check it out. i want you to meet nipples 2099. - whoa! - ow! ow! - [groaning] son of a... - no! no, i can't handle another death.
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no! - sorry. - that went kersplat. - nice. - nice. male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with trevor noah." [cheers and applause] - today is officially president obama's last day in office. [audience groans] and i can tell you that the marine one helicopter that's gonna carry him off tomorrow better have some extra juice in it. 'cause people are not ready to let go. "we coming with you, barry, we coming!" [laughter] tomorrow is gonna be historic. we have no idea what trump's inauguration is going to be like. but we do know he's personally been hard at work on it. - yesterday, trump tweeted a photo of himself, quoting, "writing my inaugural address
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at the winter white house mar-a-lago, three weeks ago. looking forward to friday." - when you take a closer look, it appears that trump is writing the first draft of his speech with a sharpie on what appears to be the first page of a brand-new legal pad. one twitter user pointed out, "that desk sure looks exactly like the mar-a-lago receptionist desk, rather than a personal office." would the president-elect really be writing the speech there? - "writing my inaugural address." with a pen and paper, really? i'd believe it more if it was trump tweeting his inaugural address, then i'd believe it. by the way, that's an iphone. it just looks big in his hands. [laughter] now this is one of those situations where honestly, i don't believe people should waste their rage. you know, i see people going, "it's a lie! why is he lying about where he is?" calm down. is donald trump really sitting down writing his speech at that desk? no. but that's not the point. it's not a lie. it's an ad. american, you have to get used to the fact
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that you've elected a reality star president. and you should know a publicity still when you see one. donald trump was just promoting tomorrow's premiere of the 45th season of the tv show "presidents." yes, that's all he was doing. it's also the final season, by the way, but that's a separate subject. and you gotta understand, we're only gonna see more photos like this over the next four years. you know, trump's gonna put pictures up. "here i am balancing the federal budget all on my own." [laughter] "hey, here i am bringing jobs back from mexico." [laughter] "this is me defeating isis singlehandedly. look how much i killed them." get used to it. we gotta get used to it because trump is all about promotion. it's an essential ingredient to any authoritarian, to be honest. you know who else does that? vladimir putin. he does the same thing. none of those pictures are candid. that is not something that just happened, right? you know that he planned it. i bet vladimir putin is like a girl on instagram, just like, "no, no, high angle, high angle.
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"no, not so close, not so close. "make you sure you get crimea in the background, make sure. "make you sure you get crimea in the background. can you see it? can you see it?" - the inauguration of america's last president is only a few days away and it's shaping up to be as exciting as bird watching with a tax attorney. - we're days away from donald trump's inauguration so why is such a major event having problems booking major acts? - at least some stars are turning down the invitation. - donald trump has had a tough time attracting many celebrities. celine dion, elton john, kiss, ice-t, just a few. - you wanna know why so many celebrities died in 2016? it was to get out of playing the goddamn inauguration. [cheers and applause] right now, the two biggest acts booked for the inauguration are an "america's got talent" contestant--
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contestant, not winner! and the mormon tabernacle choir. oh, yes! the thrill of choir music but with the edginess of mormonism. [laughter and applause] but look, when it comes down to it, we may not know who will perform, but we've just found out the theme. - with just over a week until donald trump is officially sworn in as president, we now have a better idea of the theme of his celebration: soft sensuality. [laughter] - yeah, that's right. soft sensuality. mmmm. good to know when america's getting [bleep] by donald trump, at least he'll do it gently. [laughter] - we're turning now to michelle wolf, everybody. [cheers and applause] michelle, michelle, i-- just, before we get into everything, i mean, it's, you know, two days until president trump.
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how are you feeling? - i feel great. how are you? [laughter] - i mean, to be honest, i'm surprised that you feel great. - we should all feel great. i mean, if there's one thing that's keeping me going, it's that as much as we hate the idea of trump as president, it's nothing compared to how much he's gonna hate being president. he has no idea what's coming! it's like i'm watching him walk into a carwash without a car. hey, being president is hard work. you never get a day off and the irony is after all of this, trump's reward is a library. a library! the guy who never reads! what's he gonna do with a library? thatt's like giving stephen hawking a bicycle. i know! it's a terrible gift!
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[laughter] i mean, honestly, i kinda feel bad for trump. i mean, everything that happens from now on is his fault. - michelle, that's not fair. not everything that happens will be his fault. - no, everything! if the market goes down, trump's fault. if oil prices go up, trump's fault. if justin doesn't call me back, even though he said we had a real connection when i gave him a handie in the back of an uber. - oh, that's trump's fault? whoa, whoa, whoa, that's trump's fault? - that was justin's fault, but he voted for trump, so. - but michelle, michelle-- do you really think trump is gonna be upset? he won. - trump never wanted the job of president. he just wanted to be mr. usa, put on a sash, and tell people how you change the world without actually having to change it. but instead, trump has gone from being a carefree billionaire to a public servant. yeah, donald j trump, you just became america's butler.
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now go fix our healthcare and make me a sandwich, you sunburned bitch. - thank you, michelle. michele wolf, everyone. we'll be right back. - thank you, michelle. michele wolf, everyone. they said it was impossible to have great-tboom.g light beer. award-winning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops. they also said it was impossible to hypnotize you. you're getting sleepy... watch the beer! ♪ the award for "best 50% off deal" goes to pizza hut! for one week only, get 50% off menu-priced pizzas when you order online. that's half off a stellar cast of supreme, meat-lover's, pepperoni and more. 50% off pizzas. because no one out pizzas the hut. it's your tv, take it with you. with directv and at&t, stream live tv anywhere data-free.
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[cheers and applause] - it's official, people. it's finally happened. it took 11 long weeks, but it's finally here. i punched my tenth subway sandwich card at subway. yes, free sub for t-no tomorrow! no, no, i'm just joking. there obviously won't be a tomorrow. because today, this happened. - preserve, protect, and defend... - preserve, protect, and defend. - the constitution of the united states... - the constitution of the united states. - so help me god. - so help me god. - congratulations, mr. president. - yeah! - no matter how many times you watch that, i don't think you'll ever get used to it. it's like seeing your dad's dick.
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[laughter] like...like, i knew it was gonna be there, but it's still upsetting. one of the main things donald trump has promised is that he will drain the swamp. he said he will drain the swamp that is washington and when you look at his inauguration crowd compared to president obama's, you can see trump kept that promise on day one. washington is drained. mission accomplished, trump. oh, if you did miss the inauguration or if you wanna suffer one more time, let's do a quick recap. so basically, it starts just before noon eastern time. and here we see president elect donald trump approaching the dais as hellfire spontaneously bursts from earth below. yes, the peaceful transition of power. i'm just joking--i'm joking, guys, of course, i'm joking. i mean, it was much worse than that. [laughter] first, obviously, trump got some formalities out of the way. chief justice roberts. president carter,
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president clinton, president bush, president obama, fellow americans, and people of the world, thank you. [laughter] - why would he be thanking people of the world? [laughter] it's not like they voted or participated-- ohh...oh. [cheers and applause] i get it. i get it. now, here's the thing. historically, and not just in america, most functioning presidents generally try to make their inauguration speech one of unity and positive vision. and you would hope the 45th president would have brought some of that, but it turns out hope was the exact wrong thing to have. - america's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay. one by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores. mothers and children trapped in poverty, rusted-out factories
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scattered like tombstones across the landscape. and the crime and the gangs and the drugs. we all bleed the same red blood. the ravages, destroying, ripped, robbed our country. this american carnage stops right here and stops right now. - um, did anybody have carnage, blood, and decay on their inauguration speech bingo card? did anybody have that? yeah, yeah? is that the first five minutes of a presidency or a "terminator" movie? what the hell is that? "blood and decay, the bones." you know, no matter how we feel about today, at least we know how trump will remember it. - january 20th, 2017 will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again. - well, actually, i have a feeling january 20th, 2017
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will be the day time travelers go back to to try and save the future. [cheers and applause] that's what i think we'll remember it as. in fact--in fact, around 11:30 today, part of me was expecting marty mcfly to show up like, "doc, doc! i'm so glad you're here! we gotta stop him!" "for the last time, i'm not doc. i'm bernie sanders! why does this keep happening to me?" [cheers and applause] why does this keep happening to me?" ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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they gave me the opportunity to support myself from being on the streets. ♪ i want to do a pay it forward, pay for the next person. wow, that is very awesome. ♪ ♪ ♪ athank you, but next time.... this is the beer we drink. eberhard anheuser. adolphus busch. ♪ today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. verizon. (mic thuds) uh, sorry. it's unlimited without compromising reliability,
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- huge rallies led by women in washington, around the country, and around the world. - on every continent, they turned out. - 3 million people took part... - there was a point to the sea of pink hats. - what are these hats called? - no, no. you know what? no, no. when a woman wears a pussy hat, it's a political act, but if i wear a penis hat, then i get thrown out of the chuck e. cheese. no. that is not fair. god damn pc police! it's not fair. i mean, it was the actual police and i was having hat sex with, like, a mechanical mouse, but that's not the point. that's not the point. double standards. so anyway, the women's march was on saturday. millions of women took to the streets to protest president donald trump with especially huge crowds in washington dc, new york, chicago, and los angeles. in a testament to how truly [bleep]
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the rest of the world feels by a donald trump presidency, protesters took to the streets in over 30 countries. in london, there was a huge protest. in mexico, una protesta gigante. in deutschland, [speaking german] lederhosen, shnitzel. oh, and this is true. this is true. they were even protesting trump in antarctica. in antarctica, people, yeah. and nobody--nobody was happier about that than the antarctica staples. this was their busiest--busiest time they've ever had in years. you know, this for me is the one silver lining of a donald trump presidency: unity. think about it. he's pissed off so many different people that now everyone is teaming up against him. [cheers and applause] yeah! everyone is coming together from all different walks of life. it's almost like "independence day" but instead of the president, trump's the alien.
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that's what's happened. everyone's like, "all right, for now. we're friends for now. let's handle this." and it turns out humans really don't like aliens. - some crowd experts telling "the new york times" there may have been as many as three times more people at the women's march in washington than at trump's inauguration. - wow. wow. [cheers and applause] that is insane. three times more people pitched up to protest donald trump than to celebrate him. it's almost--it's almost as if he lost the popular vote. [laughter] on the same afternoon that the marches were taking place, donald trump, in his first outing as president, went to formally introduce himself to the cia. and obviously, there were so many pressing matters of national security to discuss. you know, he could have discussed foreign espionage, cyber security, terrorism, or if you're president trump, the most pressing issue of national security is... - we have a massive field of people. you saw that it was packed.
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i get up this morning, i turn on one of the networks and they show an empty field. i said, wait a minute. i made a speech. i looked out. the field was... there looked like a million, million and a half people. it went all the way back to the washington monument. [laughter] - why does it sound... like trump's reading a fairytale to intelligence agents? why is he...telling them... a million people-- and the king's horses, they all came over the hill. and they were running. but sleeping beauty, she was asleep. [laughter] and they came and they kissed her; she didn't wake up. she didn't wake up. so i grabbed her by the pussy, then she woke up. she woke up. i don't know why the dwarves didn't try. i don't know why the dwarves didn't try. [cheers and applause] this weekend, our own jordan keller and desi lydic join the crowds for both the inauguration and the protests. we turn to them now. - the big day had arrived, but i still had doubts.
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i needed reassurance from the people who had already said yes to trump. should i be nervous? - what are you worried about? - i don't know his friends super well, but they seem a little... white supremacy. - no, well, i've seen blacks. - you've seen blacks? - yeah. - well, not at the inauguration. just in general. - well, there's a lot here. look around. maybe not right here, but they're all around. - with all the players in place, i steadied myself for the big event. if you look up close, you can see the man who's gonna be running our country for the next four years. jared kushner is standing right next to dt. and wouldn't you know it? a little rain on the wedding day. - make america great again! - mazel tov. you may now grab the pussy. it's official. donald trump is president of-- is president of the united st-- i can't. i can't. so i began to panic. - [echoing] crime, tombstones across the landscape. ...and decay. - it's gonna be okay, right? [panting]
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why does everybody here look like rudy giuliani? i need whiskey. american whiskey. thank you. - have a good day. - ahh. good ol' american whiskey. [bleep] [laughter] god, how did this happen? i can't believe this happened. i can't believe this-- - oh, it happened. [swanky music] we committed to a trump presidency for the next four years, but don't worry, because day one, what do we do? the women's march. it's like a really gigantic morning-after pill that's needed after a regretful evening. there are so many people here. i can't even see the end of how many people. by trump math, there are about 4 billion people here. people of all genders, races, ages-- like these millenials. i am loving your pink hats. what do they represent. - now can't you figure that out? they're pussies. - well, who do i have to grab around here to get a pink pussy hat? - don't grab, honey. it's all yours. - aww, do you have one that's a little smaller and less floppy?
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i just want it to be accurate? it was so inspiring to be part of a movement that had not only spread across the country but to all seven continents. and there were a [bleep] ton of reasons to march. - planned parenthood. - anti-gun. - the environment, of course. - justice. - college tuition. - black women, muslim women, refugees. - there's no right that's not under attack right now. - as a 75-year-old lesbian, i'm fighting like hell. - say no more. i got this. whoo! for women! the one good thing about trump is that he brought millions of people together, even if it was caused by dread, doubt, fear of tiny hands, it didn't matter because we had a plan for the next four years. - be sad for a minute and then get up and go fight. - writing your congress people and letting them know how you feel. - we need to resist on every level. - yes. - we stay here and fight. - make a better decision next time. - there were a lot of plans, but there was one great unifying message that everyone could agree on and these women said it best.
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[cheers and applause] - think about it. we know more about donald trump, right? we know more about donald trump than we know about most people in power. we know that he prefers robert pattinson to kristen stewart. we know that he thinks diet coke in a scam. which is really sad. and as of last week, we now know that he calls himself
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the djt ratings machine. that's gonna be him. at the united nations, they're gonna be like, the presidente [indistinct] la germany, angela markel! the presidente united states, djt ratings machine! he's gonna come in with the lights bouncing... [beatboxing] "wrong." - both houses still haven't figured out which voice to use when reading president trump's tweets on air. and this is a real issue that we have to grapple with. which is why we, here at "the daily show," held out own auditions in the building to try and find the perfect voice to read trump's tweets, so please enjoy. - ho ho ho. he he he. trump tweet reads test. marker. - [tearfully] i am a very compassionate person. with a very high iq. - [sports announcer] wow, the ratings are in and arnold schwarzenegger get "swamped" or destroyed

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