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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 6, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PST

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stastay tuned for "@midnight" coming up next. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> yeah, there's a rembrandt trapped in this body. and came back realizing i was serious, and i painted a cube. then i painted a watermelo tcomedy centrala watermelo [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight -- can't hear me at all. they don't know. the clapping and applause dies down. after news broke that zip lock bag corn chowder donald trump is
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skipping the correspondence dinner. we figured we'd push for our old pal, anthony atamanuik, who's been doing his amazing trump impression for like a year now. you can see the trump/bernie debates on youtube. we thought maybe anthony could do this filling in for trim -p by promoting the hashtag "makeanthonytrumpagain." we even got the support of luke skywalker himself! the hashtag trended on twitter, it seemed like everyone was on board... everyone except for another trump impersonator: famous actor and longtime resident debt of your mom's mass cash, alec baldwin. for some reason, baldwin went on jimmy kimmel and dismissed anthony as, quote, "a guy who's
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on the internet." which makes anthony sound like he's currently stuck in tron. he's a real guy. done a lot of stuff. anthony's been honing this trump impression since 2015, longer than alec baldwin, and he's -- i don't want to battle anything. they were on "30 rock" together for years. the whole thing spilled over onto twitter, where alec was dismissive of anthony. and then, when james adomian, who plays bernie sanders to tony's trump, jumped in, admittedly a little hot! alec responded by threatening to sue him. and the coup-de-grace on this whole thing: alec baldwin's twitter account blocked both @midnight, a tv show, and me, he [beep] me for some reason. i didn't do anything. what did i do?
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i didn't do anything. i didn't mean to be part of this. we were supporting our buddy, you know. first of all i wasn't following him and he blocked me. [laughing] >> chris: now i'm upset that i can't follow him. i want to, i'm blocked. alec, i thought we were friends. this is your hand on my shoulder. look at this. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i didn't know alec baldwin wanted to do the correspondence dinner. both do it. roast the other strum and swap places. who gives a [beep]. [cheers and applause] >> chris: tony, alec could do the correspondence. let's [beep] do it, [beep] you're alec baldwin, great. tony is the underdog. he's the bernie sanders of donald trump. you understand. taking things too personally.
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threatening people with lawsuits and blocking me. aka, built a wall! [cheers and applause] >> chris: so, comedians -- i don't want bad blood. what can i say to get alec baldwin to unblock me. >> hey, alec, it's lauren michaels. can you unblock mr. hardwick and maybe an appearance on the "walking dead." great, see you saturday. >> chris: that would be great. arielle. >> you don't need this, you have the alec baldwin money. >> chris: yes, he does. flu that borg. >> listen of all of the baldwin bothers aoer absolutely in my top three. >> chris: see. alec, let's be friends again. >> chris: next up, tale as old as time.
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the upcoming "beauty and the beast" reboot will feature disney's first gay character, which, of course, means several terrible places are considering banning the movie. including russia and a theater in alabama, the russia of america. this strikes me as hypocritical, because if they wanted to get rid of movies with homoerotic themes, they'd have to stop showing anything from "the fast and the furious" franchise. [laughing] >> is that the same person? chris: no the rock and vin diesel. >> i thought they were the same person. >> chris: well -- they were created in the same laboratory, i imagine. comedians, since this one theater in alabama isn't too keen on keeping up with the times, what's a more conservative disney movie they could show? arielle. >> trump is going to build a wally. >> chris: yes, points. very good. stove. >> pete's grand dragon. [laughing]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: points for that. mr. borg. >> guantaminomajuana. chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: next, single prop-osal. california-based romeo darrell hamilton decided to propose to his girlfriend in a tiny single engine plane, because nothing says romance more than constantly scanning the skies for harrison ford. unfortunately, darrell's proposal was memorable for a different reason. did he: vomit uncontrollably or crash into his fiance's house? steve. >> fiance's house, crash. chris: why do you think we would show. that through process of elimination you think an answer on this comedy show would be a [beep] plane crash i think i have video of me crashing into my fiance's house. >> chris: fine. appreciate that you are doubling down on the wrong answer despite
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my attempts to help you. here is the correct answer. >> oh, no. >> no. >> no, no. chris: still holding the ring. >> ya. chris: memorable. >> yes. >> chris: aw, she really brings out the best in him, including is the bubba gump shrimp platter he had for lunch. let's check the scoreboards. follow her on twitter & instagram @arielle, it's arielle vandenberg. his new line of boom fanny packs -- [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: -- are available on flulashop.com, it's flula borg. "guardians of the galaxy vol. 2" in theaters may 5th, it's steve agee. [cheers and applause] >> thank you, chris. it's great to be here. >> chris: now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. we shoot this show here in hollywood, california, where dreams come true, and where a much larger percentage of dreams -- there was an audible section of people, ahhh. but california is also home to the recording industry, the porn industry, both hard and softcore, and, most famously, the film industry, which has gifted us the softest core: "paul blart" and "paul blart 2." so in honor of both the golden state and the silver screen, tonight's hashtag is
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#californiamovies. examples: "the good, the bad, and the vegan" and "tinker tailor sunny skies." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. arielle. >> an hour wait for breakfast at tiffanies. >> chris: yes, points. steve agee. >> don't come on the baby sitter's andy dick. >> chris: yes, flula. >> honey, i exploited the kids. chris: very good. very good. steve agee. >> legends of the fault. chris: yes, points. arielle. >> no country for old actresses. chris: points. flula. >> north by northwest or if you take the 101 and then get on the 5 it's a little faster. >> chris: yes, points. arielle. >> cast me if you can. hris: yes, points. very good. >> chris: send us your #californiamovies and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. [cheers and applause] our tweet-of-the-day from our
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last hashtag war presented by firestone was sent to us by @charley ck14.
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♪ ♪ give extra. get extra.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play when scary met sally. it's hard to meet that perfect someone-- bars are too noisy, book stores are clicheé, and sex dungeons whip you if you take out your ball gag and say hi. yet all around us are happy couples who've made the leap from awkward strangers to gross sex partners. so let's figure out how they made it happen. comedians, i'm going to show you a picture of a couple we found online and i want you to tell me how you think they met. first up, this connected pair. how do you think they met? arielle. >> a potassium convention. chris: yes, points. flula.
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>> they both miss read the same cosmo article. kreufpt yes, points. steve. >> a peels court. chris: nice. >> just kidding, chris, they met at a [beep] sucking could be test. [laughing] contest. >> chris: next up these porty lovebirds. [laughing] >> probably j date. just kidding they met at a [beep] sucking contest. [cheers and applause] >> who won? >> the previous couple. [laughing] >> chris: next one a pair that shares everything except cooties. where did they meet, stove agee? >> a meet up for kids who have only 13 weeks to live.
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>> like a bubble boy thing. chris: i get it flula. >> they met cleaning out a chose cake factory bathroom. >> chris: hang on a second. you know i'm sorry, flula, you probably missed a couple episodes of the show. hanging up there is our treaty of cease fire with the cheesecake factory. we formed a treaty with them. you took a shot at them, i have to deduct a hundred points. it's part of the treaty. [booing] >> oh, no. chris: you know something, you -- you're booing pete. >> oh, chris hardwick, i am sad beyond the words. >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, wire tap that ass.
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over the weekend, president trump went on a four-tweet tirade claiming that trump tower was filled with bugs, and he wasn't referring to the ringworms steve bannon got from sleeping in a dumpster behind a fat burger. no, the president pitched a twit-fit, without providing any evidence, that obama tapped the phones in trump tower before the election. in one he says, "i'd bet a good lawyer could make a great case" out of it. but then again he also bet that people would want to buy a box of beef from someone who looks like he's about to get remarried in a pawn shop, so what does he know. [beep] every one of these, [beep] every one of them. most media outlets are calling trump's baseless claims baseless. things have been so crazy lately. what if it's true. comedians, over the break, give me a recorded phone call at trump tower picked up by obama's bugs. we will get your answers after the break with more "@midnight."
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the break with more "@midnight." [cheers and applause] i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪ everybody offers unlimited but it's expensive! now with t-mobile one, you get unlimited- with taxes and fees included. that'll save you hundreds. get two lines of unlimited data for $100. that's right. 2 lines. $100. all in. taxes and fees included
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nobody else gives you that! and now, get our best iphone offer yet. get the amazing iphone 7 on us with each new line when you switch. so go all-in with iphone 7 and unlimited data. only at t-mobile. dearthere's no other way to say this. it's over. i've found a permanent escape from monotony. together, we are perfectly balanced. our senses awake. our hearts racing as one. i know this is sudden, but they say...if you love something set it free. see you around, giulia
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i told you about president trump's baseless accusation that the obama administration tapped his phone lines and i asked you to record for me one of the calls that -- let's see what you came up with. >> lay, president trump it's gorgiana we have your bulk order of [beep] wigs ready for delivery. let us know when you want these whispy fake [beep] wigs delivered to your gold tower. thanks, buy. [cheers and applause] [beep] >> [beep] chris: [beep] wig depo.
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flula. >> hello, mr. trump. your refrigerator running. well, you should catch it perhaps. ha, ha, ha, i got you it's me jeb bush. i finally got you for calling me low energy jeb. oh, bully, i'm snorting cocaine and doing push ups. whose low energy now, biotch. [cheers and applause] >> chris: southern german accent. thank you -- >> yes, you can tell. chris: steve agee. >> hello, it's dawn. can you send someone up to unclog the giant [beep] out of my golden toilet. i took the biggest [beep], huge. i am told it's the biggest ever taken. make sure it's a white guy you
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send up. [cheers and applause] >> chris: god those were all really good. what? >> ten thousand points. kreuflt ten thousand points to all of them. >> yes. chris: alright. everyone gets ten thousand points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for ask reddit and ye shall receive. "ask reddit" is the amazing subreddit where users go to howl questions into the void and have them answered by someone who probably just got done photoshopping arms onto a bird for some reason. recently on ask reddit, "cake flatterner1" posed the question: "what is your go to question to create an awkward silence?" which got a bevvy of creep-tastic responses like this one from "the big infinity:"
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"why do you smell so different when you're awake?" comedians, i want you to give me some questions to create an awkward silence. 10 seconds, begin. >> are we the only two people who showed up for this [beep] sucking contest. >> chris: arielle i think would you like to see some steve agee nudes. >> can you tell i recently in terted a vodka soaked tampon. >> chris: arielle. >> that president trump, can he do anything wrong. >> chris: points. agee. >> who is your least favorite black guy. [laughing] >> that's not me. chris: flula. >> which ace of base song makes you the most horny. answer, wheel of fortune. >> chris: points. these my len kwralz don't know the ace of eight.
quote
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>> ♪ chris: you know it i love you so much. ♪ ♪ and it opened up my eyes, i saw the sun. [cheers and applause] >> chris: man. >> can you name any other ace of base songs. >> all that you want is another - ♪ she's gone tomorrow. [cheers and applause] >> chris: thanks for@aceofbassnight. i can't eliminate anyone now. [cheers and applause] >> chris: why should i eliminate you? >> chris, i'm not allowed to win. >> chris: i feel it's for your own good. i force you to go to, it's for
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the win. i'm sorry. it's time to check out vice [beep]. it's for the win. [cheers and applause] >> chris: very korp confused he hasn't been this far. among the reasons hillary clinton lost the election was her private email scandal. well, over the weekend, it surfaced that vice president mike pence, the guy in the disaster movie who wants to "blow it up," used his private email for state business as governor of indiana. naturally, pence immediately apologized, resigned, and locked himself up. j/k, he commented that there's "no comparison" between these two insanely comparable things. "i mean, this like trying to compare gala apples to fuji apples. it's a real apples to apples situation." but how did hilldawg react? well, a passenger on the same flight as the former senator captured the precise moment she read the "usa today" headline that's a facial expression psychologists refer to as "the
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[beep] comedians, i want you to come up with another headline that would provoke this kind of reaction from hillary clinton. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. ♪
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. flula, is excited to be making this far. >> i shouldn't be here, chris. you know it. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i showed you this photo of hillary reacting to the "usa today" headline reading "pence used personal email in office." i asked you to come up with another headline that would provoke this reaction from hillary clinton. let's see what you wrote. number one ... the micrib is back mother [beep] [cheers and applause] >> that is great, chris. i love that one. [laughing] >> i love that one. chris: number two ... 30 percent off pantsuits. [cheers and applause] >> oh, so stupid. so stupid. that's a dumb one, chris.
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>> chris: number three ... trump clogged golden toilet. huge the biggest. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: i think number two was the winner. who is number two? >> no! chris: flula borg just won the internet. such joy, so happy. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be randy sklar, jason sklar and beth stelling. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #californiamovies and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. alec bald weub baldwin. unblock me. i didn't do any [ lighter clicks, water bubbling ] ♪ this is "the high court" with doug benson.

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