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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 21, 2017 1:25am-2:01am PDT

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- hey, look. - [groaning] teacher, my partner is back on the bus. captioning by captionmax >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much, everybody! thank you for tuning in. i appreciate it. my guest tonight, great friend of the show, egyptian satirist bassem youssef is joining us
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schmed ( cheers and applause ) very fun conversation. if the past two months are anything to go by, a good chance, america will spend the next four years cleaning up after this carrot-tinged toddler. ( laughter ) but good news, it might not last four years because thanks to this toddler, we may not make it that long. >> overseas for the latest on the nuclear threat from north korea, the regime announced this weekend it tested a new engine that could fuel a nuclear missile that drew a sharp response from president trump. >> he's acting very, very badly. >> trevor: this is the secret to trump's success -- he uses language that everyone, even pets, can understand. ( laughter ) he's acting very bad. bad north korea. bad. bad. kellyanne, off the couch. off the couch. ( laughter ) , so yes, north korea tested new
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missile technology. they basically do it riff weekend, they're like white people and brunch. ( laughter ) what's so special about this time? >> it appears north korea tested a new type of rocket engine. the test of this engine could significance fall a step forward in north korea's stated ambition of test launching an intercontinental ballistic missile capable of carrying a nuclear-tipped warhead all the way to the continental u.s. >> trevor: holy (bleep), these guys are getting closer and closer to blowing up the world. not only have they developed nuclear weapons, they almost have the technology for it to reach its destination, which seems the more important part. maybe that's just me. they're saying, we'll blow you -- and didn't tell us they couldn't send it. we'll figure out a way. use postmates? i don't know if it will get there. ( laughter ) look how happy they are about the test. they just said north korea is
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planning to nuke the u.s. and all i'm thinking is, nooooo! piggy back ride! this is a weird way to celebrate a missile test. maybe he had wisconsin in his march bracket. or maybe he's exciting because he's finally developed '80s flat-top technology. ( laughter ) photos like this are such great propaganda. a few poll came out showing donald trump's approval rating is at a new low of 37%. you know why -- ( applause ) no, don't be a heart. ( laughter ) you know why? i think it's because he always looks so miserable. you see a photo like that and you want to hate the guy. but if donald trump staged some piggyback photos -- huh, huh? 47%? huh? ( applause ) who knows? now, you know, a problem wan international crisis like this is that, under the trump administration, people don't
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really know who in washington is calling the shots. that's why here at "the daily show," we've decided to do the job that the news refuses to do and keep track of who's currently the real president. now, our top statistical scientists have helped us create this tracking board, which shows in real time who's really in charge and, as you can see, there is been a lot of movement opened board here. kashmir outside coming in strong, and despite technically being president he can't break the board. you will get there. number three, we've got paul ryan. oh, look at that. yes. ( audience reacts ) he's been doing well, dragging himself up the list with pure upper body strength and tricking trump into backing the world's worth health care plan. that's what he did. number two, let's see what you've got.
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number two -- oh! ( laughter ) anyone who's eating next to trump at mar-a-lago when he has to make a decision, that's who the president is now. should we bomb north korea? what do you think, table 4? what if yo do you think? oh, me? i guess, yeah! ( laughter ) the number one spot and effectively the real president of the united states is -- ( drum roll ) -- fox news! ( playing hail to the chief ) >> trevor: fox news! yeah! all right! yes! ( laughter ) since focus got rid of the woman who is come tweeng them and trump, they have since been on a long honeymoon with the president. it's now his favorite channel, aside from the golf strippers network. ( laughter ) seriously, if you listen to donald trump, you can see that he loves fox news. >> i saw this morning on "fox & friends," i watch -- i like that group of three people. fox has treated me very nice.
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wherever fox is, thank you. fox said it was great. thank you. "fox & friends" in the morning, they're very honorable people. they have the most honest morning show. >> trevor: they have the most honest morning show -- unlike nickelodeon with the fake sponge guy. you can't have rectangle pants. it's a lie, folks, it's a lie. ( laughter ) trump doesn't just watch fox. since he became president, trump has done more interviews with fox than every orthoexam combined. he's done "fox & friends," sean hannity, tucker carlson, bill o'reilly. he's been on focus so much he's also been sexually assaulted by roger ailes. very sad. ( laughter ) trump won't give you the time of day but if you are at fox, doesn't matter who you are, you get to sit with the president. he even sat with jesse waters.
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>> quiz -- chuck schumer, president of cnn and alec baldwin. if you had to fire one person now, who would you fire? >> well, i think the alec baldwin situation is not good. chuck, i'm very disappointed. i will say i'm disappointed in all three. >> trevor: i love how seriously trump takes that question. ( laughter ) you ask trump about north korea, and he's, like, oh, bad, very bad, bad, bomb them, who gives a (bleep). but here he's, uh, i would fire alec baldwin, marry the cnn guy and i would (bleep) chuck schumer. yeah, that is what i would do. ( applause ) >> trevor: now, the reason fox news is currently the president is because, since trump took office, fox has been the source of so much of the crazy (bleep) he said. like, if trump's lies are the virus, fox news is the
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sex-monkey that started it all. remember when trump said there were terror attacks in sweden? he got that from fox. his threat to send feds into chicago if the crime rate didn't go down, he got that idea from fox. if that's the trend, it's no surprise the entire administration now started looking to fox for leadership. last week was a perfect example of how this works. trump had accused president obama of wiretapping him and then, shockingly, the claim turned out to be (bleep). who would have thought! the intelligence communities in both houses of congress agreed. everyone was trying to figure out what the hell trump was talking about. a fox news pundit had a theenchts three intelligence sources have informed fox news that president obama went outside the chain of command -- he didn't use the n.s.a., he didn't use the c.i.a., he didn't use the f.b.i., and he didn't use the d.o.j. he is gchq. what the heck is gchq? that's the initials for the
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british spying agency. >> trevor: that man there is judge andrew napolitano. he's the man who claimed obama had the british government spy on trump, which isn't true. although, if it was, i would feel so bad for james bond. like what a blee (bleep) missio. he probably ordered the martini trump grill, worst experience of his life. "excuse me, i asked for shaken and you put nachos in it." in a normal world, that ac cation would have disappeared, but because the trump administration serves at the pleasure of fox, this porcupine man's insane charge became the initial white house position. >> the senate intelligence committee says they see no indication trump tower was under surveillance. >> fox news made the statement three sources informed president
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obama went outside the chain of command, used gchq, the initials for the british intelligence spying agency. >> trevor: wow the white house is accusing america's closest ally the gchq to spy on america's president. by the way, gchq is a fantastic name for an intense agency. throws you off right away. you don't know what it is. if i'm a villain and my henchman says gchq is here, i would probably say, yeah, that's the cable company, let them in. i don't know what that is. ( laughter ) now, if you were really the president and your administration pisses often your closest ally, you would try to restore their trust. for if you were donald trump, you would do this. >> all we did was quote a certain, very talented legal mind who was the one responsible for saying that on television. i didn't make an opinion on it. that was a statement made by a very talented lawyer on fox, so
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you shouldn't be talking to me, you should be talking to fox. >> trevor: there you have it, folks. don't talk to me, i just work here. ( laughter ) fox is in charge. donald trump just handled an international crisis like a cashier at target. ( laughter ) , like, can i get fox news to register 4 please? sorry, sorry, i need to void this accusation. sorry. they don't trust me with the little key, i'm so sorry. oh, and i guess if fox is the real president, kudos on how they handled it. >> fox news cannot confirm judge napolitano's commentary. fox news has no evidence the president was surveilled at anytime, anyway. full stop. >> trevor: that's leadership, folks. congratulations, fox news. as of now, you are the real
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president. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) i'm here in bristol, virginia. and now...i'm in bristol, tennessee. on this side of the road is virginia... and on this side it's tennessee. no matter which state in the country you live in, you could save hundreds on car insurance by switching to geico. look, i'm in virginia... i'm in tennessee... virginia... tennessee... and now i'm in virginessee. see how much you could save on car insurance. or am i in tennaginia? hmmm... ♪ will the all new kfc georgia gold chicken with its great tasting honey mustard barbeque sauce make you rich and successful? [thud] i don't know. ♪ it's finger lickin' gold!
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the dinosaurs' extinction... got you outnumbered. don't listen to them. not appropriate. now i'm mashing these potatoes with my stick of butter... why don't you sit over here. something for everyone is awesome. find your awesome with the xfinity stream app. more to stream to every screen. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! now, today, we were supposed to be joined by senior trump advisor omarosa who, of course, was here to promote her episode of "say yes to the dress." ( laughter ) that is true, by the way. ( audience reacts ) but, at the last minute, she bailed on us, and the reason she gave -- true again -- is that the administration didn't want
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her interview on the "the daily show" to eclipse the news of the day. now, that doesn't really make sense to us because this was the news of the day. ♪ >> breaking news, the f.b.i. director james comey publicly rejects president trump's claim that he was wiretapped by his predecessor. >> i have no information that supports those tweets. >> comey also confirmed the f.b.i. is investigating any link between the russians and the trump campaign during the election. >> the f.b.i., as part of our counterintelligence mission, is investigating the nature of any links between individuals associated with the trump campaign and the russian government and whether there was any coordination between the campaign and russia's efforts. >> trevor: that's right, people. obama didn't wiretap trump, and even the f.b.i. thinks there is something at least worth investigating regarding how much trump's campaign communicated with russia. wow. i did not see that coming.
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( laughter ) is that like a thing for reverse mind blown? is that like a thing? ( laughter ) i feel bad for the f.b.i. agents who had to go through trump's tweets. i assume comey used this whole thing to haze some new guy. he's, like, hey! new guy! investigate donald trump's wiretap tweets! after that, there is some highly sensitive information inside my dog's butt. ha ha. take it around the block, see if he drops any hot leads. ( laughter ) my favorite part of this long-ass hearing was, even though the words coming out of comey's mouth were bad for donald trump, the president still managed to hear something totally different. >> during the middle of the hearing, the president sent out a tweet. he said, "the n.s.a. and the f.b.i. are telling congress that ruia did not influence the
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electoral process." well with, shortly after he said that, actually, a member of congress asked the f.b.i. director if that was true. >> i've got a tweet from the president an hour ago saying the fast and f.b.i. tell congress that russia did not influence the electoral process. so that's not quite accurate, that tweet? >> we don't have any information on that subject. that's not something that was looked at. ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: there is tweets in congress now? and trump is so gangster. he lied open twitter during a hearing about him lying on twitter. ( laughter ) he was live lying the hearing. ( laughter ) i'm honestly flabbergasted by this whole thing, you know. and the best part of all of this is that, instead of tweeting it from his usual "at real donald trump" account, he was tweeting from the official potus account, like we wouldn't know it was
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a legendary comedian from egypt, now a legal muslim resident of the united states. please welcome bassem youssef!
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: -- (speaking in foreign language) >> yeah, whatever. >> trevor: you know how long i practiced that for? >> yeah, yeah, great. >> trevor: anyway, good to have you here, bassem. >> yeah. >> trevor: let's get straight into it. you are originally from egypt, right? now that you're living in california, how are you feeling? >> well, i think i'm the unlucky son-of-a-bitch in the whole world because i left, like, a strongman dictatorship back in egypt just in time to find you starting yours. >> trevor: that's true. ( laughter ) and scary. but talking about people, you know, back home, like how are people back home reacting to trump? >> you mean los angeles? they're terrified. ( laughter ) >> trevor: no, not your new home. i mean in egypt. >> well, it will come as a surprise for you. as a matter of fact, he is quite
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popular with our egyptian media, and i know that you guys like news montage, so i prepared something for you. have a look. >> -- (speaking in foreign language) -- trump. (speaking in foreign language) donald trump. >> -- (speaking in foreign language) trump. >> -- (speaking in foreign language) (speaking in foreign language) >> -- (speaking in foreign language) (speaking in foreign language) >> trevor: here's the question -- how is trump so popular in the middle east? >> yeah, how is trump so popular here? >> trevor: well, i mean, to, to.
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>> he makes promises he never will deliver. he talks about a religion and he never read the boofnlgt he's full of (bleep). he's the perfect person. it's full of nostalgia for him. >> trevor: the book you're here to talk about is a book that could give trump ideas or a lesson in a revolution. revolution for dummies raffing through the arab spring. in the book you show how -- i mean, you really made comedy in a country that was on the brink. can you give us a sneak preview of what america has to look forward to? >> this is basically a know-how book. it could be used for you as a warning. we can call this the prequel -- ( laughter ) -- or donald trump is really get ideas, that's why it has "dummies" in the title. ( applause ) >> trevor: you know, can i
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tell you something, they're clapping for you now. don't forget, you just got here, bassem. me and you are not safe, my friend. >> we're not. >> trevor: don't let this ( applause ) make you think you're safe, my friend, you're not. >> no, i don't think i am. >> trevor: when ump in egypt, you were doing a show similar to "the daily show" with one big difference, you had 30 million people watching your show per episode. with ratings like that, everyone would say why is your show a off the air. >> two minutes ago you told me nobody is safe. >> trevor: yeah. >> it's the same thing. doesn't matter, as long as we have thin-skinned dictators who really get the jokes, the only difference is here you have someone who goes on a twitter rant. back then, we get kicked out. >> trevor: if you get a chance, you should make time, "tickling giants" is the documentary. a story about you that tracks you before the revolution and spring in egypt and takes you
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through being chased out of the country. >> this all started in 2012 when i first came to this stee studi. one of your producers, sarah texler, she followed me for two years, and did a wonderful job. it's playing tomorrow in landmark theaters across the nation. she's amazing. i come here and see all the people supporting me. i hope it will continue. >> i definitely think it will. >> next time if they're going to make this movie into a future movie, you know how they have gerard butler play an egyptian god and people like me have to apply for terrorist number three, i would like that to change. i would like you to play my part. >> trevor: i play you? >> yeah. because egypt is in africa, too.
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africa jokes! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: oh, man, bassem! i hope you join us over and over again. you tell an amazing story. a fascinating book. "revolution for dummies: laughing through the arab spring" and "tickling giants" all come out march 21. go to for more information! bassem youssef, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ dear journal. today i learned many great things. one, old spice sweat defense gives me forty-eight hours sweat protection. two, gorillas have strong muscles and do not speak english. old spice theme playing in the background. where plans start at onlycricket $30/month. and more 4g lte coverage than t-mobile or sprint. plus, when you switch now you can get a brand new smartphone for free. cricket wireless. something to smile about.
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dearthere's no other way to say this. it's over. i've found a permanent escape from monotony. together, we are perfectly balanced. our senses awake. our hearts racing as one. i know this is sudden, but they say...if you love something set it free. see you around, giulia
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investing in the future hoof this country. a recent study found that low-income neighborhoods are more likely to have tobacco retailers ...near schools... than in other neighborhoods. how convenient. in fact, big tobacco went to the supreme court to keep tobacco advertising near schools. cool, huh? nothing says commitment to the youth like a hard won legal battle. it's not a coincidence. it's profiling. don't let it go unseen. enlist @ be the generation that ends smoking. >> trevor: that's our show for
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tonight. here it is, your moment of zen. ( tapping sound ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ comedy central [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, which i've been told is something a miranda who thinks they're a carrie would say. if you're surprised to see us on the air today that means you noticed this from our twitter account: "unfortunately, we have some bad news there will be no more @midnight episodes. thanks for your support. we will miss you #midnight" nobody panic! it got crazy for a sec. you saw how much everyone cared. don't worry. sir, it will be oka


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