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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 29, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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fitnesses withst as they are preparing for their showcase april 29th at paradise-- the event it free. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org comedy central >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight when the final piece of my sick puzzle will be complete. this is night three of the tournament of champions. ( cheers and applause ) last night, doug benson defeated jesse joyce in a nail-biter, which sucked because i bet 10 grand on jesse. he works here, too. i should have rigged that. goddamn it. the winner of tonight's drama will meet doug and moshe kasher in the finals on thursday. now let's get into the
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competition with our top story. before we start, i just have to take a look at the way everyone's dressed tonight. and i feel like-- what i'm-- what i'm seeing is that kyle is the dude that milana has brought home to piss off her father, paul. ( cheers and applause ) this is what the story feels like. there are fewer sites more influential than buzzfeed. they've recently been covering a more georgiaism recently, but they will be forever associated with headlines like "13 potatoes that look like channing tatum" and, of course, "you might be cleaning your penis wrong." by the way, there is no wrong way. unless you're doing it in the sink at chuck e. cheese's. now, tech crunch is reporting i get it. now, tech crunch is reporting the site could go public as soon
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as next year. but there's a potential problem. buzzfeed's millennial readers don't have the money for big investments, probably because they work for sites like buzzfeed. so if they want to succeed on wall street, they're going to have to come up with headlines to appeal to rich white bazillionaires. comedians, what's some clickbait buzzfeed can use to reel in the one percenters? paul f. tompkins. >> seven awesome man caves that used to be national parks. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: points. i would click on that. kyle. >> top five most exotic species to hunt. hit number three is just a homeless guy. >> chris: points. milana. >> nine ways to fire your nanny without making eye contact. >> chris: all right, points. very good, very good. ( applause ) just change the locks and take her name off the security list. >> and then call ice. >> audience: boo! >> that's what they do!
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>> she didn't say dice. dice likes mexican chicks. >> chris: all right, great. boy, this is a-- this is a fun new exploration for you, kyle. >> i didn't think this character out very far in advance. ( cheers and applause ) next up, i'm blowing up. samsung revealed the new phone, galaxy s-8 today. you may remember the galaxy seven occasionally explodes, like it was anything on screen during a "fast & furious" movie. but samsung is sweetening the deal with a new virtual assistant named bixby, which kind of sounds like a posh british manacled guy who lives in your phone. "yes, i would like to help you find milfs in your area. very excited to perform this task." are they horny? quite. ( laughter ) if this truly is a more refind, sophisticated a.i. system, what is something you would hear from bixby. >> would the gentleman care to
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( bleep ) post? ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: kyle. >> as requested i found the filthiest pornography imaginable. it's just two irish men. >> chris: all right, points, points. >> chris: next, it's time to play "beat off!" ( applause ) ♪ ♪ this is the part of the show where we play you some mean beats from the mean streets, and you have to tell me who or what is rockin' them! dj jack? hit that (bleep)! ♪ ♪ wow, talk about wack beats! i mean, that's exactly what
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we're dooing talk about wack beats. comedians, who or what was beating those beats off? was it "a," a garbage can eternally falling down an escalator? b.morning referry? "c," a washing machine? >> listen, i went to a conservatory to study washing machine beats. and it's finally paying off. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) "c," washing machines. >> chris: the hundreds of thousands of you spent at the conservatory-- >> i had this mean teacher. she threw a washing machine at my head. >> chris: art lovers, get ready to get your (bleep) heads blown off. it is a washing machine! >> you have to give some credit to the kid stuck inside, you know? ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: 100 points for that.
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next, "ghana in 60 seconds." the trailer for the new "spider-man" movie dropped today, relaunching spidey into the marvel cinematic universe and also relaunching michael keaton as a member of the kardashians. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but the really impressive c.g.i. action blowing up twitter today didn't come out of some big budget hollywood movie. it came from the country of ghana. take a look. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: hell, yeah, you go, blue shirt guy! you might recognize those quality special effects from the last time you rented porn in a hotel room. now, knowing nothing about the plot of this movie, comedians, does our hero live or die? paul f. tompkins. >> i would like to believe that that man lives. >> chris: all right, is that
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your answer? >> he dies. >> chris: okay, great, take a look. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: he's just so chill and relaxed about the whole thing. >> he had camouflage on so it's hard to see. let's check the scoreboards. with 300 points, from "this is us" on nbc and her charity cantdonothing.org, it's milana vayntrub. ( applause ) >> chris: with 500 points, co-host of "the boogie monster" podcast available on itunes, it's kyle kinane. ( applause ) >> chris: with 600 points, host of the "spontaneanation" podcast
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paul f. tompkins. ( cheers and applause ) if you read the trophy very closely, you see he was last year's winner of-- >> oh, is that right? >> chris: yes, that's right. and now it's time for tonight's "#hashtag wars." ( cheers and applause ) these days, hollywood is snatching up every japanese property they can to adapt into films. it seems like half the movies in production star either a giant robot or a pokemon-- although, sadly, never both. i am way on board this. japan is my favorite place on earth. i went if there on my honeymoon. to celebrate this combination of far east meets west hollywood, tonight's hashtag is #japanamovie. examples: "sashimi myself and irene" and "tinker tailor soldier hai." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin.
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kyle. >> guys and dolls, you can put your dick in. >> chris: okay, great, points. paul f. tompkins. >> japan's labyrinth. >> chris: points. very good. milana. >> 10 things i had about pichaku. >> chris: points. kyle. >> the squid and the whale sound delicious. >> chris: points. paul f. tompkins. >> japan of green gables. >> chris: points. very good. kyle kinane. >> license to drive, but not real good or anything. >> chris: how am i supposed to give you point for that! ( applause ) this is your ( bleep ) fault that i'm giving him points for that nonsense. paul f. >> japants-man. >> chris: points. kyle. >> finding nemo in your takeout order. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: i don't know how i feel about this guy. point. milana. >> no country for old ramman.
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>> chris: points. good. send us your #japanamovie and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." our tweet of the day from last night's "hashtag war" was sent to us by @eternal0star. well done! ♪ nature made it delicious. we made it a snack. we made it a snack. chobani flip. ♪
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight tournament of champions." it's time to play "show me the monkey." ( cheers and applause ) humans and monkeys have more in common than we realize. for instance, we both love masturbating at the zoo! photographer jill greenberg is an amazing portrait artist who took a series of famous portraits of various monkeys and apes that show us how similar we really are, and just how expressive and thoughtful monkeys can look when they don't understand they're going to be made fun of on television. comedians, i'm going to show you one of jill greenberg's fantastic monkey portraits, and, for 250 points, i want you to tell me what that monkey was thinking while jill took the
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shot. first up, this guy, this guy. what's he thinking? milana? >> i can't wait to tear off your face. >> chris: yes, points! >> and, time permitting, your genitals. >> chris: points. time permitting. work it into the schedule. kyle. >> i wanted to be a musician, but all i can play are these symbols. >> chris: points. very good. ( cheers and applause ) paul f. >> have i wasted my life picking bugs off my friends and eating them? ( laughter ) >> chris: points. >> when is someone going to pick bugs off me? i'm a monkey pleaser. >> chris: next, this one here. milana. >> how could i throw feces?
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>> chris: points. kyle. >> i just took a hand full of pills. looks like dunstan checks out. >> chris: yes, very good. next up, next up. ( cheers ) kyle. >> i'm the monkey that started aids. >> chris: no! ( applause ) goddamn it! goddamn you cheering for that! you're a ruthless audience! now i have to give him points! ( cheers and applause ) oh!
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milana. >> don't ( bleep ) at me like one of your french girls. >> chris: yes, points, very good. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: paul f. tompkins. >> hey, you ever ( bleep ) a monkey? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: points. that's all the time we have for-- hieng on a second. i'm getting a call on the yellow line. yellow? yes, this is he. you don't say. you don't say. you don't say! he doesn't say. >> chris! >> chris: yes, paul. paul has a completely unrehearsed question. >> chris, who was it? that was the president of comedy central. he said this game is going so well that we're taking this bitch into "monkey overtime!" ( cheers and applause )
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>> chris: finally, this one. paul f. >> boise, idaho, you're on the air. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: if i could give you all the points at once i would. milana. >> maybe a smashed kneecap or two will teach curious gorge to not be so curious. >> chris: yes, points, very good. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: i am happy and also sorry to say we have reached peak monkey. so that is the end of that game. i know! >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, "insane in the brisbane." if you're a horny and literate in brisbane, australia, chances
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are you noticed this ad for the phone sex services of a busty lady named lala beauty. unfortunately, there was a typo in her phone number, and instead of getting a 23-year-old woman, you get this gentleman here. according to "the daily mail," that's a 46-year-old brisbane resident identified only as troy, who looks like the surfing instructor with a d.u.i. who's been banging your mom. ( laughter ) troy is reportedly answering all the randy calls and texts, i'm guessing because he's australian, he responds to dick pics with: "that's not a dong. this is a dong." comedians, what's an even more surprising thing you can hear when you think you're calling a phone sex line? we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight"! ( cheers and applause )
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight tournament of champions." before the break, i showed you the story of an phone sex typo that lead to a jacked tattooed australian dude and asked you to give me an even more shocking thing to hear on the other end of a sex phone line. let's see what you came up with. paul f., let us begin with you. >> goddamn it, no! you've got the wrong number! everybody's got the wrong number! what kind of stupid phone company allowed a phone sex line the number 91111? >> chris: next up, kyle. >> nah, this is the wrong number, but it's your lucky day. i'm beating off, too. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> chris: all right.
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milana. >> oh, hey, hon. it's your mom! no, it's okay. i'll help you finish. what are you wearing? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: 1,000 to milana, 500 to call, 250 to paul as we go to our next game. the game is lined up. >> all right, okay! >> chris: yes! it's time for "istanbul was constantinople." ( cheers and applause ) on this day in 1930, turkey passed a law renaming the city of constantinople to istanbul. even old new york was once new amsterdam. why they changed it i can't say. people just liked it better that way. but, hey, maybe those turks were onto something, and it's time for some other cities to be redubbed. so comedians, i'll show you a city, you give it a new name. first up, new york city. paul f. tompkins. >> no one asked you to live here-ville. >> chris: points. next up, las vegas.
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milana vayntrub. >> scam-ster-dam. >> chris: next up, rio de janiero. milana vayntrub. >> no cubes allowed. >> chris: not allowed. next up, los angeles, california. paul f. tompkins. >> no one asked you to live here either-ville. >> chris: all right, points. ( cheers and applause ) and finally, moscow. milana. >> trump town. >> chris: yes, points! very good! well, i see that kyle dice kinane was shut out of that game completely. didn't get one answer in. do you have any last words? >> tompkins paid me off to lose. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: red light. don't feel bad!
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i'm sure-- >> we're done. we're through. >> chris: that means it's time to listen between the lines. it's "for the win!" ( cheers and applause ) you remember james blunt, the 2000 singer created in the mom factory alongside jazzercise and high-waisted jeans. well, in a new interview, blunt got blunt and set the record straight about his sappy hit, saying "'you're beautiful'" is not this soft romantic (bleep) song. it's about a guy who's high as a (bleep) kite on drugs in the subway stalking someone else's girlfriend, and he should be locked up." though, you know who else should be locked up? james blunt, for assaulting our ears with that song nonstop in 2004. ( cheers and applause ) but the new insight on "you're beautiful" makes me think we might be missing what's behind other lyrics. so, keyedians, i'm going to need
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you to explain the true meaning of another song. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight um, i can't have happen what happened last time... (♪) ahem... here's my card. i'm sure you know your profits are down 8%. so, just let me know if you want to change that. ♪ i believe in you! break through!, break through!
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( cheers and applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight tournament of champions." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe-- whoever wins tonight will come back tomorrow night to compete against doug benson and moshe kasher for this trophy right here, the tournament of champions trophies. i'll read the answers out loud. before the break, i told you about singer and totally not fake name for ordering from your weed dealer, "james blunt," giving us the real meaning for his hit. i asked you to explain the truth behind another famous song. let's see what you wrote. first one: you know that song the alphabet, a., b., c., d.-- that one? it's about ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ) that explains a lot. number two: you know when you are at the bus stop on lexington and 116th and you see someone piss on a spot where someone has clearly already
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thrown up? that's "uptown funk." it was number two. who was number two? mosh milana vayntrub. you will compete tomorrow night with doug benson and moshe kasher. someone will be taking home this trophy. s until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #japanamovie and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. good night! ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample rking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪

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