tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central May 1, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT
fake media goes out, which we call the mainstream media, which sometimes i must say is you. >> you mean me personally. >> well, your show, i love your show, i call it deface the nation. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org .[cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight and i asked everyone how their weekends were and no one asked me how my weekend was. well it was fine! on saturday the presidency of donald trump passed the 100 day mark, meaning this prank has officially gone on for too long. with the donald unable to get much of his agenda through congress, he's fallen back on what he does best: bull (/ bleep/ ) about how great he . he's the best, just ask him. in fact, though the next presidential election is still three and a half years away, his 2020 campaign is spending $1.5 million to run this ad touting his accomplishments: >> donald trump sworn in as president one hundred days ago. america has rarely seen such
success. -- supreme court justice, confirmed. >> chris: that sounds like the action news guy voice. another instance of the most over reported political story of the year. abc went to the midwest to check in with working class white voters: >> what rating would you give him? >> a b plus. he needs to stop twittering. >> his tweets bother you? >> i don't read them. >> chris: well, it's only a matter of time before trump responds on twitter: "old bag in a diner only gives me a b+? i give your dumb sweater an f, titanic lady!" ya you should of followed the necklace to the end of the ocean. i'm tweeting and out of characters. comedians, what grade would you give president trump on his first 100 days? pardis. >> a great restaurant is a to d.
i give trump khe chipolte. >> chris: ana marie. >> a, standing on obama's accomplishments. >> chris: gene afplt. >> the grade of doing meat? this president is nothing but lips and assholes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up, big boy papers. trump was reported by john dickerson. things went well at first: trump got to say "bigness" again and he also showcased some terrifying jokes he's been workshopping: >> these are phones, secure phones. they have the red button. >> where does that get you? >> a pepsi. >> chris: oh, i get it. it's funny because everyone is scared about you, the president, causing a nuclear holocaust?
i don't know which is more disturbing, him joking about his soda button being a weapon of mass destruction or that our president is a really (/ bleep/) prop comic. the interview's climax happened when dickerson asked trump about his wire-tapping allegations against former president obama. trump had this to say: >> but i'm asking you, i want to hear it from president trump. president >> i don't have to ask me. you can have your opinions. i have my opinions. >> i want your opinions, you're the president of the united states. >> thank you, that's enough. chris: watch how long -- [laughing] [ applause ] >> then mr. dickerson was never heard from again. comedians, what was on that paperwork trump is pretending to read? pardis. >> the menu for his favorite
restaurant also chipolte. >> chris: points. gina. >> this is the best paper ever, no one has had paper like this, it's the best paper in the world, ever. you will never see paper like this ever again. i have the best paper. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ana marie cox. >> a copy of the constitution with all of the pesky rights removed. >> chris: points, points. next up critical mass. as we've been saying it's been 100 hundred days since a hack zach filled with -- took the oath of office in front of a record breaking number of supporters, as you can see here in this official photo from the -- look at that. but despite some big wins, like bringing fredrick douglas back to life and personally driving an 18 wheeler full of illegals into the gulf of mexico, some
people online just will not give the president a break. like this one guy with this sarcastic tweet: -- a quote. "while our wonderful president was out playing golf all day, the t.s.a. is falling apart, just like our government!" or this one. "...why is he campaigning instead of creating jobs & fixing obamacare? get back to work for the american people!" hell, you could go all the way back to election night, and this guy criticized of the very system that got president trump elected: "the electoral college is a disaster for a democracy." so who is this jackass who had nothing nice to say about pretty much anything president trump -- of course that is president trump. [cheers and applause] so comedians, since the president's tweets have an uncanny habit of not aging well, what's another tweet the internet will dig up that badly missed the mark? gina. >> what happens in a bus with billy bush stays in a bus with billy bush.
>> chris: points. ana marie. >> nuclear wars are terrible and no one should start one. >> chris: points, yes. so bad. pardis. >> never disappointed when i fly united. >> chris: points. points. [ applause ] >> it's the personal touch. >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. from "the daily show with trevor noah" on comedy central, her hour special "ticking boxes" is streaming now on seeso, it's gina yashere. [cheers and applause] host of "with friends like these" podcast on crooked media network, it's ana marie cox. [cheers and applause] host of "mideast minute" on comedycentral.com, it's pardis parker. [cheers and applause] and now it's time for tonight's
#hashtagwars. donald trump's presidency has often been compared to that of former president andrew jackson. they both rose to power on a wave of populism, they both have probably gone into the oval office just to shout the "c-word", and their hair always makes them look like they're recovering from a tornado. and in an interview with the washington examiner today, we got to hear some interesting thoughts on old hickory from old dickory. >> -- a little later you wouldn't of had the civil war. the civil war, he says r. said there is no reason for this. people don't ask that question. why was there the civil war. why could that not of been worked out? >> the answer is slavery. [laughing] >> chris: several problems with this. first... it would have been very hard for andrew jackson to be mad about the civil war, given that he died 16 years earlier. second, he says "people don't ask" why the civil war happened, even though that's literally a question on the test to become
an american citizen. [laughing] psst... the answer is "slavery!" clearly, president trump has an understanding of history that is far beyond ours, so we're gonna take this as an opportunity to learn with tonight's hashtag, #trumpteacheshistory. examples: "we have nothing to fear but stairs" and "the first moon on the room was stretch armstrong and neil degrasse tyson." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. pardis. >> great depression. wait till i'm in office. >> chris: alright. points. ana marie. >> speak softly and carry a small dick. >> chris: pardis. >> d-day is okay, double d-day much better. >> chris: points. gina. >> harriet tubman a great train conductor. i love a train. choo choo.
>> chris: ana marie. >> alexander wept, no more eastern european women to marry. >> chris: ana marie. >> ask not what the pussy can grab for you but you can grab with the pussy. >> chris: gina. >> all men are created equal except blacks, his panics, gays, jews, how much time do we have -- >> chris: points. pardis. >> what are you not getting about muhammad. do i have to draw you a picture. >> chris: points. points. gina. >> malcolm x, great rapper. [laughing] >> chris: points. perfect. perfect place to end. >> chris: send us your #trumpteacheshistory and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. the greatest show in the world. [cheers and applause]
our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @geoffburleson. by @geoffburleson. well done! there's nothing more than my vacation.me so when i need to book a hotel room, i want someone that makes it easy to find what i want. booking.com gets it. they offer free cancellation, in case i decide to go from kid-friendly to kid-free. now i can start relaxing even before the vacation begins. your vacation is very important. that's why booking.com makes finding the right hotel for the right price easy. visit booking.com now to find out why we're booking.yeah
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play logo no! wow, thank you. graphic designers are some of the hardest working people in the world-- for example, i frequently make our designer joey mock-up pictures of transformer lemon parties. he does. that's optimus past-his-prime telling his team to roll out and pull out.
too bad we couldn't show the robot dicks. but not all graphic designers are as talented as ours, which is why the world is full of bad logos. so comedians, i'm going to show you a strange logo and for 250 points i want you to tell me the company's tagline. first up, a czech sausage company called "kostelec." [laughing] >> chris: gina. kostelec, technically it's not cheating. >> chris: points. next up a greek restaurant called "mama's baking." you can just take a minute out to digest that image. see what is going on there. ana marie. >> extra yeast. chris: yes, points. [ applause ] >> chris: this bread will rise. gina. >> mama's baking, not available in brazil. >> chris: points. very good. >> chris: next one, "catwear!" [laughing]
>> the vagina. chris: they did it, they made the butt hole part of the letter. par advertise. >> fat wear, look at it, look at it! >> chris: yes. gina. >> catwear, we have a brown eye for fashion. >> chris: points. ana marie. >> go ahead and grab it. chris: points. >> because, because -- >> it's a vagina. >> chris: next up, a polish satellite tv company called "mont-sat." par advertise.
>> mont-sat if your reception hrats for more than four hours please call. >> chris: next, this logo from malaysia's 2016 independence day celebration. >> malaysia, it's in your hair. chris: points. finally the swedish paper company locum used an old logo in a christmas card. [laughing] kp-rbd. >> chris: ana marie. >> locum, it's still in your hair. >> chris: points. very good. [ applause ] >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, ring of fyre.
over the weekend social media blew up over the fyre festival. it's a music festival on a supposed private island where tickets cost up to $12,000. it's like coachella for people who have never flown coach. it was such a bad show that attendees have filed a hundred million dollar lawsuit. the advertising promised the festival would include models on boats and models on jet skis and models feeding tiny beach pigs, which is a very specific fetish. but when the affluent attendees arrived, they got this. instead of beach cabanas, they got these disaster relief tents that look like a quarantine zone in a zombie movie. attendees immediately took to twitter to expose the conditions, including this
gourmet meal, which looks more like something a ten year old latchkey kid makes for himself while his mom is at a casino. it was a disaster. they weren't ready. no infrastructure. nothing set up. people arrived, they didn't tell people, don't come. they showed up, the festival was not happening. comedians, as security for the fyre festival, give us an announcement that will calm down the frantic one-percenters. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight!
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you the hilariously sad tale of the fyre festival, the luxury music festival that ended in disaster. i asked you to come up with an onstage announcement to calm down the spoiled rich kids in attendance. let's see what you came up with. ana marie, let's start with you. >> don't worry rich white people this canceled blink-182 concert is the worst thing that will ever happen to you. >> chris: alright. pardis. >> no refunds. that is jah rule number 1. >> chris: very good. very good. gina. >> warning blink-182 has uncanceled get to the shelter! >> chris: alright. i will give, i don't know a thousand points for everyone. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: it's time for god creates food, god destroys food, god creates man, man destroys god, man creates trucks. there are few actors the internet loves more than jeff goldblum. incredibly nice guy, sweetheart. he's the brainy scientist who will upload a virus to the alien mothership, then pour some wine, light some candles and (/ bleep) your mom faster than you can say "chaos theory." naturally, the internet went crazy when goldblum was spotted in australia running a food truck called, wait for it, wait a little longer, it'll be worth it, it was called chef goldblum! god damn it! this is a trend that needs to continue. i'm going to show you a celebrity and you tell me what their food truck would be called. first up leonardo dicaprio. >> i will never let go, jack. >> chris: scarlett johansson,
what's her food truck? >> scarlet johanson's authentic japanese. >> chris: very clever. very good. see what you did there. points. [ applause ] >> chris: rihanna, what's her food truck? gina. >> pooo-pooo-pooo-pooo. chris: points. >> chris: what would quentin tarantino's food truck be? ana marie. >> quentin tarantino's early work. >> chris: finally, what would johnny depp's food truck be called? >> edward scissor hands. chris: points. very good. [ applause ] >> chris: gina, i'm sorry you're in third place. we have to eliminate you. >> what! chris: i know. >> no! chris: do you have any last words for this rowdy crowd? >> what?
>> stay! stay! >> chris: why should we stay? alright. you have won a reprieve. you will stay. [ applause ] >> chris: that means it's time to slip into something more comfortable, it's for the win! >> chris: the love the entire audience said "because of the vagina" that's the pest thing that's happened to me. you played a good part in that. thank you. summer is almost here and while ladies have been plagued by the phrase "shape up for bikini season" since last labor day, bros are dusting off that fireproof tupperware container full of cargo shorts. oh, ya. so what if they're ugly. cargo shorts are practical, and comfortable, and can double as the perfect swim trunks for any beach alabama has to offer.
well, on saturday the georgetown men's lacrosse team threw a cargo short retirement party. the event featured an intervention area for those struggling to let go, and a cargo short retirement cake decorated with loose change and worn out velcro. so comedians, over the break i'd like for you to come up with your own goodbye note to cargo shorts. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i told you about georgetown lacrosse team's retirement party for cargo shorts and i asked you to come up with your own goodbye note for cargo shorts. let's see what you wrote. first one ... dear cargo shorts, we had a good run now it's time for you to hold someone else's junk. [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two ... farewell cargo shorts, wait why the [beep] does my girlfriend get to wear yoga pants. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number three ... thank you for hiding my boners at church camp. goodbye forever. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] who is number three?
you won the internet! congratulations. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be mary lynn rajskub, dave hill and hari kondabolu. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #trumpteacheshistory and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. goodnight! captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪