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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 9, 2017 2:10am-2:41am PDT

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>> yeah, like she's talking. he's a little too close and just, mmm! give him a nice -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man, i was going to ask you so many things. i just want to manage out with you all night now. you're one of the funniest people i've ever come across. wanda sykes is in theaters may 12. wanda sykes, everybody. thank you so much, everybody! ( cheers and
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. now here it is your moment of zen. >> it's not hard to find locals who blame their economic problems and job losses on politics and immigrants. ( speaking in foreign languages ) >> i vote for her because she kick out all the arabs. >> w ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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>> chris: hey, it's 29 minutes until midnight, he still hasn't texted me back, maybe he had time to post an instagram, former acting attorney general sally yates testified before congress about how michael flynn's alleged ties to russia, flynn resigned less than a month into his term in revelations he lied about meetings with russian ambassador sergey kislyak, god, this is really boring, jack, do we have that raw adult adult dodge ball video instead. oh, man. plawses plaws that really liveerned up the intro. right in the lady balls. could you hear it. anyway, flynn formerly head of president obama's defense intelligence agency before being fired in 2014 before mismlgt temperment issues and reportedly
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destroying the lincoln bathroom, and today obama personally warned trump to stay away from flynn. maybe that is the warning right there or maybe it's the not my [bleep] problem any more, bro. i don't know. but i will tell you, if we know anything about trump it's that nothing disswayeds him more than telling him not to do something. so comedian, what is another warning president obama gave the incoming president trump? >> if you want to score weed from a supreme court justice, remember, ruth bader ginsburg's got the good [bleep] >> chris: points. mark normand. >> if you want to win people over, kill osama bin laden, oh, waited, i already did that. >> chris: points. dweezil zapa. >> you are not a civilian any more so you might want to avoid twitter. >> chris: yeah, points. good piece of advice. next up, boogie down. they say you can pick your
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frensd, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your nose and eat it in front of your friends unless you want to die alone. well, they can eat those words. along with those boobers because-- boobers because according to shall boogers, according to multiple scientific studies multiple as in science eating your nose turds is good four, yeah t is, it is, st. isn't that a relief. that explains why you were so much healthier as a child. finally a diet for everyone's budget. scientists at harvard and mit say that boogers help keep bad bacteria from sticking to your teeth, strengthen the immune system and even prevent stomach ulcers. >> i'm so mad about this. i am now antiscience. >> you're antiscience. >> if this is what they are doing with their time. >> yes. >> go ahead and eat. >> i'm so mad. >> not fake news dweezil, it's
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not fake. >> like a healthy gummy bear. >> no! no! it keumed kind of makes me wonder what other gross kid habits are good for you, whatever this kid is doing o be a new york subway, take a look at this. >> oh, no! >> chris: can i tell you something, so everything that kid ingested has basically just made him evidence of a hundred ongoing criminal investigations. what are some other gross kids kids do that could have health benefits. mark normand. >> making a boom boom in your pants stops kidnapping. >> chris: points. probably does. dweezil. >> you know what really clears the signuses, dutch oven. >> chris: really just opens
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up. points. april. >> the earlier you learn to burp the entire alphabet, the sooner you can put it on your resume. >> chris: yeah, points. very good, next up, ukraine kick, in the '90s steve enseagal appeared in marginally received action movies like fire down below, a film namedded after the persistent balance chaffing he suffered from cheaply made circus pajamas which make him look like if the kool-aid man was a legally blind chef. it was at this same meeting last year where seagal was given russian citizenship thanks to his outspoken support for the putin reason i'm and also because he looks like there are five smaller steven seagals nesting inside of him. all this lead to the ukrainian security service report thely barring seagal from entering the ukraine for the neck five years.
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look at that rascally wabbity. why is he eating a raw carrot. with the stem and everything. >> who outside of a cartoon has ever done that. >> chris: no one. elmer fud is going to shoot him. have i to assume ukraine isn't the first place he is kicked out. where else do you think he is banned from and why. >> animal shelters because he was practicing neck snaps on strai cats >> r 1 ose 0 : yeah, pointings. mark normand. >> he can't go within three feet of a urinal because of his gut. >> chris: all right, points, dweezil. >> 99% of all women's vaginas because. >> that's generous. >> he's steven seagal. >> chris: with 300 his latous solo all bm via zamata is available now, performing the music of his father, frank zappa dweezil sphwhrapa is here.
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zapa is here. with 300 points is our special don't be yourself premiers friday may 12th at midnight on comedy central, mark normand. the billboards say amy schumer presents mark normand. >> yeah, i am trying to sell tickets. >> chris: with 400 points performing at the max in chicago may 209, tickets at save by the max.com april richardson. i don't know, also april's also appearing in the penny press word game puzzle number three, check this out. look at this. "@midnight" regular april richardson made a word game puzzel. >> thank you. >> chris: and, guys, this just isn't some willy-nilly [bleep] puzzel, this is america's favorite pencil puzzle right here. and now it's time for tonight's hashtag wars.
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the hit show game of thrones is set to end in 2018 when an alarm goes off and we find out the whole thing was just jrr tolkien's wet dream but if you are worried about tv impending lag of dragons and boos about and dragon boobs never you fret because hbo is krebly developing four [bleep] spinoffs, four. four different spinoffs. but we're tbing to help keep hbo and this cash cow alive with tonight's hashtag game of throne tv shows. examples mile be rupauls dragon rice and deanery's drive inns and dives features guy ice and firei. shut up, shut up, so [bleep] you. i will put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. april. >> killmore girls. >> chris: points.
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clark mark. >> everybody loves tities. >> chris: dweezil. >> the real hordor of orange county. >> chris: mark. >> that is so three eyed raven. >> chris: points, dweezil. >> band of [bleep] your brother. >> chris: yes, points. april. >> white walker texas ranger. >> chris: yes, so good, points. mark. >> chalidcsi. >> chris: points, april. >> this will show my age but clarissa explains the wall. okay, nice. >> chris: dweezil. >> laugh earn and shirley and dragon. >> chris: yes, points, mark. >> the weakest sinkladge. >> chris: points, mark again. >> will and grayscale. >> chris: points. mark again. >> oh, sorry, for a hat trick. >> beefus and beheaded. >> chris: all right, points. send us your hashtag. tag them aad mit night to keep this game going. we'll be right back with more
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"@midnight." >> our tweet of the day from the last hashtag war was sent to us where the ice is, as long as you leave everything on it. coors light. whatever your mountain, climb on. wiand my amazing iphone 7lan i've got all the data i need to learn the things i want to do. (vo) unlimited.
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in all kinds of conditions. like the ocean, the sun... in the pool... and even 100-degree heat. stays on in 7 conditions banana boat. we've got you covered. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play the worst part of waking up. people love coffee, it is by far the best thing to be addicted to and not just because it's easier to find a clean mug than a clean needle. people love it so much, in fact, that you toob is chok fall of
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jams deads kateed to java much i will show you someone on youtube, they will be singing about coffee, don't get upset. i'm just warning you, for 250 points i want you to answer a question about t first up this parody of beginuwine sex anthem. >> ♪ sometimes he calls me. ♪ i'm cranky, let's brew it. ♪ grind it. ♪ my coffee. ♪. >> wow. >> chris: so comedians what is dirty talk you might hear from these two coffee fanatics. >> i just made it look like there's a white leaf on your chest. >> chris: points. points. mark. >> [bleep] me and i will give you the bathroom code. >> chris: all right, points. next up, this one with a poor choice of words.
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♪ coffee. ♪ >> chris: what is this band's name. april. >> rachel and the dolozols. >> chris: poants. >> next one, this parody of john legend's all of me. >> ♪ love your rich full flavored bean. ♪ i don't need sugar, milk or cream. ♪ it's thicket as soup. ♪ and it makes me poop. >> chris: i was wondering if that camper toilet was going to come into play. what is he going to do after he finishes taking that dump, april. >> he is in an rv, right, so i hope drive off a cliff? out of sheer embarrassment.
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>> chris: points, dweezil. >> bring some more teens down to his murder trail. >> chris: points, 100 percent. next up this original tune about starbucks. >> anything that you might want but please let's not get crazy. ♪. >> when have i done that before. ♪ i am a starbucks lady. ♪ ice tea, latte,. ♪ panini sniet sometimes salad. ♪ brownie. ♪ and a cookie donut. >> chris: it just goes on and on like that forever, i assume. how do you know she's a starbucks lady, april. >> she served in the war on christmas. >> chris: points. >> by fighting against the jesus. >> chris: yeah, that's right. dweezil. >> she's a terrible white person. >> chris: finally, finally thesely moms take on a taylor swift classic. latte. ♪ thrses' so good.
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♪ cuz you know you love. ♪ >> chris: you know, i think having kids does something to you. has the barista call out a drink for these singing moms. april. >> three venti white privileges. they're here. >> chris: points, mark. >> lattes for two milf's and one for nancy. >> chris: oh, that sucks. time for our live challenge real gross estates. house hunting can be tough, ho you do you find a place to fit your budget an taste. if you don't have either of those things, might i suggest opus, the $100 million house
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being sold in will. avmentd for some [bleep] ass-- this house has its own red van trailer. (laughter) >> i don't really know what this [bleep] child murder mask is-- around the house. move over playboy manage there is a new house in town with sticky floors. the price tag includes a home movie theater, a 2 million dollar art collection, a cozy nook to get murdered in, when the poll ter yait rise up and realize you are absorbing all of the resources, as the real estate agent selling this sex house give me a line from the tour. we'll get your answers after the break. be right back with more be right back with more "@midnight.".
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it's what busch is known for. what are you known for? i'm indecisive. scratch that. no, that's right. although... [sfx: buschhhhh]
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the shlike a bald penguin. how do i look? [ laughing ] show me the billboard music awards. show me top artist. show me the top hot 100 artist. they give awards for being hot and 100 years old? we'll take 2! [ laughing ] xfinity x1 gives you exclusive access to the best of the billboard music awards just by using your voice. the billboard music awards. sunday, may 21st eight seven central only on abc. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break i showed you traitor for 100 million dollar house that caligula would find tacky and asked to give a line from the realtor's tour. april start with you.
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>> and in case you were wondering, yes, this is the house where the famous [bleep] murders took place. and if you move in, you'll be the proud resident of 69 eyes wide shut avenue. >> chris: yes. very good. mark. >> all right, this property is listed very highly in the r kelly blue book. it's not vainl on airbnb but it is posted on air hpv. if are you abouting to move in here, be sure to wear a condo. >> chris: very nice punnery. dweezil. >> as you can see, the living room has a beautiful grand piano that's got some jiz on t the toilets throughout the house are all solid gold, also covered con jiz and over here is your own personal on suite vd clinic. >> chris: all right, great.
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i think i have to do i will give 2,000 points to everyone on that one. yeah. as we go to our next game, ahca-holes. last week the republican house of representatives passed the american health care act on a party line vote rangeled by hgh mclovin' paul ryan. the bill would have effectively-- throw 24 million people off their insurance while giving billionaires a massive tax cut, a process so accelerated congressman chris collins admitted he didn't even read the bill before voting yet. he also quotes never read a book. so since even members of congress seem unclear on what is exactly happening with this thing, let's shed some light, comedians, give as many provisions of the american health care act as you can in 60 seconds and begin. mark.
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>> it's designed to be the worst bill for women since o'reilly. >> chris: all right, points. april. >> your doctor has the right to take you out behind the hospital and just do an old yeller. >> chris: all right, points, dweezil. >> donald trump gets to personally perform all pussy exams. >> chris: all right, points. he is not even going to scrks he is going to perform them. mark. >> you can only get an abortion if it's after nine months. >> chris: points, dweezil. >> if mandatory tube tieing for all women over 28. >> chris: all right, points. april. >> my doctor just wrote me a prescription and it just says walk it off, pussy. yeah. >> chris: points. very good. that is the end of ahca-holes, dweezil, are you in third place, we have to eliminate you, i'm sorry. >> all good.
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>> chris: do you have any last words for these ungrateful priks before we let you go? >> i'm going to go eat carrots with steven seagal. >> chris: yes, dwees ill zappa a dor you, sorry we have to put our red light on you. that means it's time to miss the president, it's for the win. the president is missing is a new book written by runner-up first lady bill clinton and best selling author james paterson. seen here in this picture, taking the form of a kindly old tortoise. i have a question, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie pop. according to publishers, thank you for really liking that. i appreciate that. this edge of your pants thriller will quote be informed by insider details that only a president can know. like the white house wi-fi
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password and what the state of lincoln's ghost to make him put your wife down, he likes to haunt-- clinton is best selling author with titles under his belt like back to work, why we need smart government for a strong economy, giving how each of us can change the world and of course teenage swat nurses. only the president could write this. only the president could know about teenage swat nurses, it's a government book. >> all those pages are stuck together. >> chris: yeah. yeah, it's true. you can never get the book open. comedians, i would like to you give an excerpt from bill clinton's upcoming thrill, the president is missing before it hits book shelves, we'll have our comedians answers and name a winner when we come back to the@mid knight program.
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it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. almost as long as it took me to master this look. ♪ still practicing. it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. there's more behind the star.
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plus get 2 lines of unlimted data for a hundred bucks. taxes and fees included. only at t-mobile. >> welcome back to "@midnight." time for the win, i will wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answer as loud. the audience will decide, before the break i asked you to write an excerpt from the bill clinton thriller the president is missing. let's see what you wrote.

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