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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 31, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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here is the music that we've been talking about to. now the doors are closing.y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, so set the clock on your microwave while you're still thinking about it. i'll wait. all right, figuring out donald trump's confusing tweets has replaced baseball as the new national pastime, which makes sense because they take forever and are dominated by latinos. well, last night the internet became obsessed with one particular tweet... "despite the constant negativ ( laughter ) press covfefe" now, we're betting that he probably meant to type "coverage," but this is trump! so, we can't rule out that he was just reminiscing about an obscure racial slur his dad used to sing to him to get him to sleep. ♪ one little, two little
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three little covfefes ♪ i don't know. the neighborhood was great until all the coachella moved in. it sounds like something they would say. trump quickly deleted that tweet, but it didn't stop the internet from running with it and tweeting about how to conjugate it. it's conof my favorite things that happened on the internet last night. incredible. we covfefe. trump tweeted this, who can say what covfefe means. there were a lot of theories around the office. maybe it's its noise adam sandler makes. maybe it's some sort of trieblg position where if you kill the covfefe, you become the covfefe. or maybe it's some sort of an alternative vegan protein, i'll
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have the kale salad with the covfefe. comed what happens is the true meaning of covfefe? paul f. tompkins. >> it is obviously the haunted board game where you-- you elect an incompetent idiot president, and then it comes true. >> chris: points. ,. >> chris: points. anyone else? tim? >> it's the name of the special man spanx he wears while golfing. >> it's what idi amine orders at starbucks. one ventispd covfefe. >> chris: next up, g-thing. last night, before twitter became obsessed with "covfefe"-- the tweet that proved our president types with all the accuracy of a cat who jumped on a laptop, another post was capturing our
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collective imaginations from smooth jazz master kenny g. i give you, "when the sax is good." ( laughter ) it's so hot when you can see the hole like that. ( laughter ) that's a saxophone is giving me a tromboner. i'd even let him stick it in my bass-soon. that was bad. that was bad. i'm sorry, guys. comedians, this picture is so amazing that it can't be relegated to a single meme. what's another caption you could put with this photo? tim. >> when you hit your own g-spot. >> chris: yes, points, points. ( applause ) >> you didn't like that. >> you didn't like that. >> i didn't like it. >> you didn't like him saying it. >> chris: that's the face you would make, though. it's true. it wouldn't be orgaz mim milk. it would just be satisfying. >> chris: you know why? the look is, ," of course, that's where it is." >> chris: drop your socks and grab your ears, it's time for another "@midnight" audio quiz!
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okay, listen and listen good. i'm going to play a sound. it could be anything. it could be a fart sneeze. it could be a water balloon full of syrup being thrown onto a speak and spell. it could be camels (bleep). you don't know! you have to figure it out! here's that sound! ( beeping ) >> chris: all right, end of sound. is that: a. the men working on the chain gang? b. henry kissinger blowing his nose? c. camels (bleep)? >> i'm going to say it has to be good old camel ( bleep )! >> chris: show me camel ( bleep )! ( applause ) >> why-- why is one dude just posted there? why is he like-- he's like, this
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is my afternoon. hanging out -- >> i think he's standing there going, "wait until the covfefe hears of this." >> either way, it's nice of them to blur out my license plate. >> chris: yes, that's so nice. so nice. ( applause ) very good. i'll give you 100 points for that. other top contenders, he's a one-hum chump. let's check the scoreboards. tonight we have three stars from "bajillion dollar propertie$," season 3 streaming now on seeso. it's tammy newsome! ( applause ) with 300 points, it's tim baltz. ( applause ) with 400 points, it's paul f. tompkins. ( applause ) quick! paul, for 100 bonus points what is covfefe?
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>> covfefe is not a thing. it's not a place. it's not a taste. it's not-- a word. ( laughter ) >> chris: very good, 100 points. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. okay, okay. >> all right. >> chris: okay, okay. you got it, okay. >> all right. >> chris: okay. okay. dc's newest movie "wonder woman" hits theaters this friday! in it, the amazon princess fights in world war i. so, in honor of this comic book voyage into the past, tonight's hashtag is #superherohistory. some examples are "that's one small step for a spider-man, one giant leap for spiderkind." and "batman v superman v the board of education." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin. paul f. tompkins. >> the fantastic four score and seven years ago. >> chris: anniversary, very good, points. tim. >> join of arc mesilum.
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>> the fight for cat woman suffrage. >> chris: paul f. tompkins. >> bronze age mutant ninja turtles. >> roe versus wade wilson. >> chris: points. paul. >> the judge dred scott decision. >> chris: points. tami. >> the batman of gettysburg. >> martian van buren. >> chris: points. tami. >> when george washington chops down groot. >> chris: points. he told the truth about it. i love that people were genuinely upset by that! not groot! paul. >> the thing. the thing. the louisiana purchase! >> chris: points. tami. >> december 71940 "wonder woman." >> captain america was founded in 1776. >> one green lantern if by land,
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two green lant ernz if by sea. >> chris: yes, points! >> thank you, thank you so much. >> chris: send us your #superherohistory and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." ( cheers and applause ) our tweet of the day from last night's hashtag war was sent to night's hashtag war was sent to us by @cribbbitch. ( ♪ ) ( ♪ )
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." thanks for coming back. quick, tim! what is "covfefe"? >> it means that your doctors have determined your heart is healthy enough for daily doses of cialis. >> chris: very good. we'll get to the bottom of this. now it's time to play "home is where the shart is: there's no shart like home edition." statistics have shown that right now millennials are hesitant to buy a house.
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why pay a mortgage when you can order avocado toast and watch tv in the comfort of your very own mother's basement? however, that day may arrive when millennials want to bone without the romantic tumbling soundtrack of your parents' washer/dryer, and when it does, you're gonna need a realtor. my mom's a realtor. realtors are very trustworthy. they will help you find a place to put your... self in. >> that's not her business. i'll help you find a place to put yourself in. >> are you outside? not anymore. >> chris: not anymore! we'll show you some commercials for realtors trying their darndest to rope in a new client, and for 250 points, you'll answer a question about it. up first is two ladies warning us about the dangers of being a realtor. ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, you better not sleep you better like stripes ♪ get your back ready to be... ♪ you're a realtor you have no life ♪
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>> chris: this was shot in march. what do these two semi-psychotic lady realtors want for christmas? paul. >> for lord satan to finally engulf the earth. >> chris: yes, points. tim. >> go! ( laughter ) ( applause ) you're the only tim on the panel. >> oh, he was talking to me? >> chris: tim. >> a man who will let me keep my sweater vest on during sex. >> chris: yes, points. very good. tami. >> singing lessons just from any black person? >> chris: yeah, points. next, here's a no- nonsense guy selling extra fema homes. >> and we have 100 fema homes that have never been lived in, and they all look alike.
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here's our color chart, white or white. >> chris: what are some other features. you'll find in these fema homes? water pipes shipped directly from flint, michigan. >> chris: points. you know what? fell on groot in transit. he was clogging the pipes. groot was growing in the expieps they had to root him out. he said, he said. >> they called grooter-rooter. >> chris: goddamn it! paul, i'm giving you 100 points for grooter-rooter. >> the one door also doubles as a window if you leave it open and just look at the top part. ( laughter ) >> chris: points. >> chris, i think the homes also come with that guy standing behind it. >> chris: yeah, yeah. i'm jerking off without my hands! ( applause ) that's what i'm gonna do.
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next up, here's a lady who made an adele song parody to justify buying a fur coat. ♪ to go warmer the average buyer sees 12 homes ♪ but we've seen 63 >> chris: and then it just goes on and on. why is this lady struggling to sell a house? >> she's also ( bleep ) on white wine-soaked tampons? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> chris: all right, points. paul, what's happening. >> well, no one's looking to buy, in pre-toby maguire pleasantville. >> chris: wow! what a reference! points! oh, my gosh! ( applause ) next up, here's a woman who knows what she wants. >> we figured why settle for a good apartment when we can get a
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new one for the same money? the extra bedroom is handy. >> chris: based on all the information we have so far, why is the extra bedroom so handy? tim. >> that's where she keeps all of her helen hunt cosplay. >> chris: no, "i'm mad about you." ( applause ) points. tami. >> where's the ghost of her dead son going to sleep? >> chris: yes, points, points. her dead son was groot! he's good dead! paul. >> well, this extra empty bedroom takes attention away from her main empty bedroom. ( laughter ) points. and her wine-soaked tampon
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business. that leads us into our live challenge, "welcome to nightmarehood. there are a lot of decisions to make when buying a home, but you can't control who lives next door. nothing is worse than moving into your dream home, only to discover your neighbors are into playing bagpipe music for their rescue roosters. during the break, i'd like you come up with a "welcome to the neighborhood" greeting as a nightmare neighbor. we'll get your covfefes after the covfefe and have more "@midnight" after the covfefe. ( applause ) the average adult eats twenty-three pounds
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of apples per year. and drinks 270 beers per year.
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beer plus the crisp taste of apples? looks like redd's saved everyone a step. redd's apple ale. together we beer.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i asked you to come up with a welcome greeting from a nightmare neighbor.
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let's see what you came up with. >> couldn't help but notice the dog house you had out back. seems look a pretty fun place to masturbate. ( laughter ) i will be masturbating on your property. ( laughter ) >> chris: poor woman in the front row was just not emotionally prepared for that. tami. >> hitchbot, i'm dickie barrett, and these are my mighty mighty bostones. i hope you like that one song. >> chris: all right. paul f. tompkins. >> hey, welcome to the neighborhood. you know, it's funny, i used to live in this house, but that was 20 years ago. before i died. >> chris: the very same night. okay. 1,000 points for paul, 500 for tami, 200 for him. it's time for "i've got a good feeling about this." tawny, what is covfefe?
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>> it's a russian word that translates to white expiration date. >> chris: very good. i think we're getting closer. no one knows what the world will look like at the end of 2017, but one thing that's certain is that "star wars: the last jedi" comes out december 15, and i, for one, have ruined multiple pairs of underpants in anticipation. just a couple. well, the intergalactic hype machine is already fully operational, and a recently deployed japanese pamphlet has stirred up a jawa's nest of speculation. as reported by "star wars news," the print ad reads, "the most shocking truth in 'star wars' history will soon be revealed!" wow, you mean we're finally gonna learn watto's gender? reach in and grab my ovaries. comedians, let's try to beat disney to the punch. tell me all the shocking truths we're gonna learn in "the last jedi."
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begin. obi-wanica nobody sein a band calls obi-wan direction. >> all the droidz piss and ( bleep ). >> darth vader's full name is dartholomew. >> the cantina band has actually been replaced by the mighty, mighty bostones, playing that one song. >> chris: points. really going after the bostones tonight. >> han solo comes back to life as harrison fords' character from "sabrina." >> the death star plans were actually a blueprint... for friendship. >> chris: points. all right. tim, you're in third place, and we have to and i have exriicate you from the fold. >> do we have to? >> chris: we do. >> we do have to. >> chris: we're supposed to do that. >> but we're-- we're pals. >> we're like a cult. >> we're look a cult. >> chris: only for 12 more seconds. before we turn the red light on
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poor tim. pim, do you have any last words? >> i do, guys season three of bajillion is coming out on seeso. you can catch up on seasons one and two on seeso. if you want to watch shrink that is already on seeso-- >> hit the light! hit the light. >> chris: hit the light! ( cheers and applause ) it's time to get to the bottom of things it's "for the win"! in america, children learn to read with characters like the gluttonous very hungry caterpillar and the prideful rainbow fish and the lustful giving tree. oh, trim that bush! but one of japan's most popular children's book series stars a much more wholesome figure: the butt detective! that's real. ( laughter ) yes, the butt detective is an anthropomorphic derriere who solves crimes.
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finally, here's someone who can solve the crime if someone ever murders sir mix-a-lot. this will be the guy who-- so, comedians, i want you to write the next installment of this crime-fighting tush's adventures. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on "@midnight." ( cheers and applause ) um, i can't have happen what happened last time... (♪) ahem... here's my card. i'm sure you know your profits are down 8%. so, just let me know if you want to change that. ♪ i believe in you! break through!, break through! is unlike anything we've ever faced.leased
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." we've been trying to lock down the definition of the trump's weird word "covfefe" all night long. is it his safe word? is it a launch code? lucky for us, talking forehead sean spicer has finally deigned to tell us the truth. here we go. >> now, i think the-- the-- the president and a small group of people know exactly what he hasn't. >> chris: well, that totally cleared everything up, you guys. i have to admit i belong to that small select group of people that know exactly what that meant. you don't get to host nbc's "the wall" without knowing where a few bodies are buried! ( cheers and applause ) so here it is, the official definition of "covfefe."
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oh, all right. makes sense. ( laughter ) i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe. it's gone! it's gone like groot! i love that you guys are really upset that we fake killed-- you're making the sad face right now. i can see your "nooo..." >> you know like this country is ( bleep ) up, right? >> yeah. >> chris: i will read your answers aloud and you, the audience, will decide the winner. before the break, i showed you the butt detective, a children's character who solves crime and can doo-doo anything. shut up! i asked you to mock up the cover to the next butt detective book. let's see what you came up with. first one, the butt detective turned 30 and suddenly there's a lot of cellulite on his face. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) or number two: redrum!
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it was murder! number two. who was number two? paul f. tompkins! you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be wendy liebman, chuck sklar and doug benson. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #superherohistory and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. be nice to each other. good night! ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪


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