tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central June 2, 2017 12:01am-12:32am PDT
seen very shortly, even more so. believe me. believe me. believe in me. bye-bye! ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds so i guess i'll just have to catch that early bird special at the buffet some other time. thanks a lot jack. to celebrate national spelling bee week, google has published a map of the most commonly misspelled word in each state. it seems baffling at first glance, but once you get to thinking about it, there's a of beautiful logic to it. for example pennsylvanians have the most trouble with the word "sauerkraut," but that's because it's the state with the highest german population, so it comes up in a lot in oktoberfest police reports. then of course there's the word "diarrhea," in new hampshire,
because they get all of vermont's expired dairy. and in wisconsin, they keep having a really hard time spelling the word "wisconsin" it's a hard one. go back to the map. wisconsin is the only one having trouble spelling itself. what are these people will tkpwaolg. pick a state and tell me why they're googling. wendy. >> everyone is googling "available" in nevada because in nevada everyone is a prostitute. [ applause ] crist everyone. >> everyone is mississippi is googling nanny. when you rent a sex goat. [laughing] >> you want to make sure you're getting a girl. >> chris: points. sure. i mean --
[ applause ] >> chris: doug web son. >> i don't care what state you're in receipt is hard. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> but i believe colorado is the word tomorrow because everyone there gets high and tries to make plans. >> chris: yes, points. very good. >> tomorrow. chris: next up bad fellas. in a bust in new york city yesterday morning, the f.b.i. arrested 19 members of the lucchese crime family. the alleged mafiosos face an array of charges dating back to 2000, including murder, money laundering, extortion, and, nbc news' tom winter reported the names of the paisanos nabbed in the bust and, mafia guys being mafia guys, they have stupidly awesome nicknames. among the indicted are paul cassano, aka "paulie roast beef," steven crea, sr., aka
"wonder boy," joseph datello, aka "big joe," aka "joey glasses," carmine garcia, aka "spanish carmine," and, james maffucci, aka "jimmy the jew." [laughing] >> i resemble that remark. chris: spanish carmine. jimmy the jew? you know, good on the modern mafia for showing a real commitment to diversity. [ applause ] comedians, who else was nabbed in this bust? wendy. >> vinnie the vegan. chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: chuck. >> joey hpv. then they realized they already caught him. >> chris: they already had him. they already had him. [ applause ]
>> chris: next up miss matched rap. earlier this week twitter went nuts apologized for something. comedians, what did lil yachty do wrong? a. he had sex in the champagne room b. he had champagne in the sex room c. he had no clue what a cello was doug >> you know you think yacthy is sophistication, yacht -- i feel he has no clue what a cello is. >> chris: it's unfortunately cùu as evidenced by this lyric from the song "peek-a-boo"... she blow that dick like a cello. >> chris: but lil yachty owned up to the mistake, saying: "ok, let's stop for a second. before you come at me, i'ma let you know. i'ma blame my a&r. because he listened to that song many times and he allowed me to say that.
i guess for a second, i thought a cello was a woodwind instrument and it is not. and nobody ever said (/ bleep/ . nobody ever pulled up a pic and said, 'hey man. i don't know if you know what this is, but it ain't that.' i (/ bleep/ ) up. [laughing] i (/ bleep/ ) up. i thought squidward played the cello. he don't. that's a flute. i (/ bleep/ ) up. but it do sound good." [ applause ] at the very least it's good to see him admit he's wrong instead of pretending to be the greatest tooting his own violin. let's check the scoreboards. with 300 points performing monthly at "locally grown comedy" at vitello's in studio city, it's wendy liebman. with 200 points performing at bar lubitsch tonight in la, it's chuck sklar. a guy i subletted an apartment from in 2001.
with 300 points host of the "doug loves movies" podcast, it's doug benson. [cheers and applause] >> what's up! [ applause ] and now it's time for tonights #hashtagwars. this weekend san francisco is being invaded by comedy central's colossal clusterfest, a live comedy festival featuring everyone from kevin hart, to jerry seinfeld, to some guy named chris hardwick. and, speaking of seinfeld, clusterfest is going to include a huge celebration of festivus, the classic sitcom's alternative-holiday, where attendees can participate in the traditional "airing of grievances." which, in san francisco, probably includes complaints like "i got fired from the app that i work for because i spilled my kombucha in the office ball-pit." but just because you can't oh, ball pit.
kombucha. come i fay fay. [ applause ] but just because you can't attend clusterfest in person doesn't mean you can't get something off your chest! that's why tonight's hashtag is, #airyourgrievancesin5words examples: "can't attend wonder woman screening" and "grumpy cat is not d.t.f." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin. doug. >> the mcrib is not back. chris: points. chuck. >> cathy griffin gives awful head. [cheers and applause] >> oh, oohhh. >> wow. [laughing] >> chris: doug. >> four pirate movies too many. chris: points. wendy. >> i should of had a v8 kr-fplt points. doug. >> united dragging me onto
flight. >> chris: points. chuck. >> why did they cancel arlis. chris: points. doug. >> five words is not enough. [laughing] >> chris: wendy. >> shouldn't shop at costco stoned. >> chris: points. doug. >> baby gru is growing up. chris: wendy. >> midnight audience doesn't cheer enough. >> chris: that's right, guys. [beep] you that wasn't a cheer. [cheers and applause] >> chris: the truth really -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: yes, sometimes the truth -- >> chris: send us your #airyourgrievancesin5words and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with mor [cheers and applause] >> chris: congratulations to our tweet of the day from yeste
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play shut that (/ bleep/ ) tattoo up! [cheers and applause] if you're a hipster who wants to stick out at your craft beer breweries and escape rooms but doesn't want to develop an actual personality, there's a new trend that's perfect for you: talking tattoos! the show i will be hosting. >> i love you. >> no. [laughing] >> nightmare. >> chris: oh, how cute the laughter of a baby! not a creepy thing to have coming out of your skin at all!
not my baby. the sound wave app will make your tattoo say whatever you want it to, but most should probably just scream: i was a mistake! i was going through a thing! in honor of this amazing and useless new technology, i'm going to show you a regrettable tattoo found on one of the internet's many fine galleries and for 250 points you're going to tell me what it would say if it could talk. first up this loving tribute to the female anatomy. [laughing] >> chris: doug. >> wait until you see what i have tattooed on the front. [laughing] >> chris: points. wendy. >> for some reason every guy
[beep] on her back. [laughing] >> chris: how dare you say that. next one dad's aingel. chuck. >> can you believe i got the a apostofre right. >> chris: wendy. >> for some reason every guy [beep] on her back. [laughing] >> chris: points. the comical fans in the audience will surely recognize the wolverine. [laughing] >> not good.
[laughing] >> a too too parlor or a seventh grade class. wendy. >> for some reason every guy [beep] on her back. >> chris: points. never a bad thing to say. never. doug. >> it's hard to stay on a diet when all of your fingers are steak knives. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> so true. chris: finally we're not sure if this is a real tattoo. it's too sexy not to show. [laughing] >> chris: nickelback. doug. >> i got this tattoo for free and i still want a nickel back. >> chris: points. chuck. >> happy rashashana.
[laughing] >> chris: points. wendy. >> on her back it says nickel front. >> chris: points. very fun word play. [ applause ] >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, psalm 10:1001. 500 years ago, german monk martin luther posted the 95 theses, launching the protestant reformation. and to commemorate this bold theological document which transformed western religion, germany made this wack ass robot. yes, german engineers constructed a robotic priest, which is a lot like a regular priest but you can leave your kids with it. [ applause ] >> chris: let's see it in action.
>> chris: "for god so loved the world, that he gave his only son. what is love?" because the only way you can make a sentient cyborg more ominous is by making it speak german. do wonder religious proclamations you would hear from a metallic min.nister. so comedians, i want you to give me a sermon from a robot priest. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! more @midnight! [cheers and applause] they said it was impossible more @midnight! [cheers and applause] to have great-tasting light beer. boom. award-winning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops. they also said a hologram can't pour a beer. that's unfortunate. ♪ ♪
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neighbor's rumba. >> chris: chuck. >> you have strayed from the path of raoeuftousness, recalculating route -- righteousness, recalculating route. >> chris: good. doug benson. >> honor thy father and motherboard. [ applause ] >> hold on there is more. [laughing] >> thou shall not kill unless it's all humans. kill all humans. >> chris: bender. [ applause ] alright a thousand points to everyone on that one. a thousand points -- >> go chris hardwick. chris: you're still in first place, doug. >> kill myself. chris: okay. it's time for, oh rats!
the san francisco dungeon, a tourist attraction in fisherman's wharf, is planning a stunt restaurant gimmick that has been raising eyebrows because of its unusual theme. on july 1st and 8th this summer you can hang out in the rat cafeé, a pop up restaurant where you can sit and have coffee with actual rats. yes. they were there anyways. flarthey're like let's just chae for it that's right for 50 bucks, proprietors of the rat cafeé wil let you hang out all day and sip coffee with genuine italian mob traitors who have no sense of loyalty. they're real rats. rats who are sure to put the "dung" in san francisco dungeon and in your latte. they will [beep] in your latte yes, at this coffee shop that i like to call dunkin' don'ts you can have a cup of joe with ancient plague ferrets that have been generously provided by a nonprofit called rattie ratz, an organization that quote "rehabilitates rats"
who i assume like everyone else in fisherman's wharf have been crippled by alcoholism. so comedians in honor of this insane temporary coffee shop, i want you to come up with other bad ideas for pop-up restaurants. in 60 seconds, begin. >> dead robin. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. chuck. >> michael mcdonald. chris: yes, points. ♪ [laughing] >> chris: wendy, sorry. >> mel gibson's kosher dele. chris: i. points. >> divorce dads english muffin pizza parties. >> world harold dumpster dump
dumpling. >> chris: that's the end of the game. wendy, you're in third place by 50 tiny points. we have to eliminate you. any last words before se see ject you into the streets of los angeles. >> i give you a lot of points. chris: me, no one ever gives me points. my god. come here. thank you so, much. >> thank you. chris: red light. [ applause ] >> chris: that means it's time to have a nice trip, it's for the win! as i'm sure you know, last week president trump wrapped up a eight day overseas trip that took him throughout the middle east and europe, where he even got a chance to call eli's father. the highlight though was a special detour to the vatican, where he got his picture taken with the world's most disappointed salt and pepper shakers: [ applause ]
>> wow. chris: the pope looks so miserable here, someone on twitter did this naturally. [laughing] [ applause ] but here's something you might not know-- mashable is reporting this week that as potus wound down his first foreign trip, someone calling himself donald trump began posting tripadvisor reviews from the spots where the president had just visited. like this one about the saudi's murabba palace which he gave a 4 out of 5: "the mar-a-lago of the east-- a tremendous place. huge beautiful castle. gold everywhere you can look. they didn't love obama but they do love me. sold them some arms at a very good price." could it actually be president trump? i doubt it, mainly because it's spelling is right. also either way i want to hear more
of trump's international sight seeing exploits. so comedians, i want you to write me a president trump tripadvisor review from some famous international landmarks he secretly hit on his travels. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪
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that's 50% off verizon's new unlimited plan. can you hear that? for people with hearing loss, (vo) switch to sprint. visit sprintrelay.com. but we've got the get tdigital tools to help. now with xfinity's my account, you can figure things out easily, so you won't even have to call us. change your wifi password to something you can actually remember, instantly. add that premium channel, and watch the show everyone's talking about, tonight. and the bill you need to pay? do it in seconds. because we should fit into your life, not the other way around. go to xfinity.com/myaccount >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores
clean because it all comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i told you about some tripadvisor reviews from a traveler known as donald trump that have been popping up and i asked you to write me a tripadvisor review of a famous international landmark from the president on an overseas trip. let's see what you came up with. first one ... pyramids, try angles we get it not a single name in gigantic gold letters any where. how are you suppose to know who went bankrupt building these things. sand. we got one star, basically. number two ... disneyland that little mermaid had nowhere to grab and princess jasmine refused to show me her papers. jafar seems nice. who is number two? doug benson won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the nex