tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central June 6, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT
i have to confess when me and pi friend used to fun through the fields of wheat, the farmers were [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight and you're such a good puppy, good boy. tonight is @pupnight! in the past, all of the internet that wasn't porn, and some of i's impossible. they can't, they smell like puppy breath. it's adorable. i may never leave here. i don't know why we didn't have puppies on the show before
today. it may have to be a thing for the future. in the past all of the internet was not just porn. some carts won stained cats. but recently, there's been a fluffy little uprising and dogs have taken over the web. so, since we're all about the internet, we're dedicating the whole show to the only friends we willingly watch lick their own balls. if you need proof that canines are now top dog online, according to a linguist on npr the internet has an entirely new language specifically about dogs, with words like pupper, floof, mlem and "anti-social nut who claims to be a dog person but is actually just a weirdo." god so [beep] cute. god damn it. see what is happening there. >> a blow job. chris: they're 69'ing. they're puppy 69'ing. get it. the most adorably job you will every in your life. alright. now that dogs are the alpha of the. >ofthe internet how will they
celebrate? >> the same way i do, by pissing myself. >> chris: points. lucas. >> by man sphrapbin splanning tt is with these comer spapbls. >> they are going to go with the seen from "risky business" but sliding in on their assholes. >> chris: yes, points. so special, sliding on your asshole. >> only a hundred points. >> chris: next, give me a spinner, rowlf. fidget spinners, amirite? they're a thing now. in case you're unfamiliar, fidget spinners are a fun way to relieve anxiety and lodge something in your child's windpipe. you know who else loves fidget spinners? dogs! check out this video from youtuber ghost hits, who has posted many videos of his dog being a very good boy.
>> oh, wow. nice patio. >> chris: huh. >> noise patio. chris: nice patio, indeed. well dogs may think stress free. but they have problems too. comedians, what kind of anxieties is that dog getting off its mind with that fidget spinner? lucas. >> climate change. that's the name of the cat that lives next door. personally, personally i don't believe the cat exists. >> chris: points. climate change. >> no, no. the cat is real. it's going to kill us all. [laughing] >> chris: yes. >> giving relief from the 100 [beep] takes it took to make the spinner video. >> chris: next, who's a good boy? sure, these puppies all seem to be good boys, but sometimes you can't tell the good boys from the naughty boys.
and that's terrible, because when dogs go to hell, their eternities are equal to seven of our eternities. comedians, i now the audience would bum on a fake [beep] thing. comedians, here's a dog being bothered by a cat while he tries to sleep. does he lay the smack down or lay the hug down? >> i mean he will lay the hug down. look how open his mouth is in a friendly way. >> chris: well, let's find out. >> come on, get him. >> oh! >> oh! >> wait, wait. chris: whoa. >> wait, wait. what is that, a hug? a hug? >> chris: no, that is the dog hitting the snooze button. that's like nine more minutes. i just need nine more minutes.
>> chris: next, motor city mad dog. kenny wassus, a video producer at "new york" magazine, recently had a doggo tweet go viral, after his mom accidentally brought her therapy dog to a furry convention: here's her dog named link, and he's adorable. if you looks closely, that furry in the background is holding the shield back here. >> do you need the shield? here's another shot of link, with two furries costumed as brazilian cereal mascots. she thought it was a pet meet up. she was sort of right. so comedians what is another event this confused mom attended by mistake? >> nambla. the north american moms best lasagna award. [laughing] >> chris: kirby. >> she went to a grinder meet
up. >> chris: points. >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. tonight we have three stars from "downward dog," tuesdays on abc. with 300 points it's lucas neff. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and with 300 points it's kirby howell-baptiste. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and also with 300 points it's barry rothbart. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i don't give a [beep]. i'm getting in on this action. hey, guys. >> are you going to eat win? chris: yes. >> be careful they will lure you in. >> chris: they have. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. want to do #hashtagwars? it's the greatest [beep] moment of my life. broadway is getting ready for next week's tony awards.
the longest running show of all time was "cats." cats are [beep], [beep]. but what about the dogs? that's why tonight's hashtag is #dogbroadway examples: "dog on a hot tin roof" and "rosencrantz and guildenstern are cats." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock. you want to put 60 seconds on the clock. yes you do. begin, go. >> -- more dogs. chris: yes, points. >> death of a mailman. chris: points. >> hair spay. chris: yes. >> invisible fences. chris: yes, points. >> supercalifraglis dog [beep] chris: points. >> yes. >> bark of mormon. chris: points. >> alexander pugleton. >> hello doggy .
>> any get your gun, patches has rabies. >> chris: fun for the whole family. >> how to -- without thumbs. >> waiting by the door for gido. chris: points. so many points. >> i found a turd in my kinky boot. >> spider man turn off that [beep] vacuum. >> chris: yes, points. >> jesus christ super pooper star. >> chris: yes. taking pictures of me with this puppy. you guys finish your #dogbroadway. kp-rbd we'll be right back with more @midnight. >> chris: welcome these fruit of the loom breathable underwear are perfect. they need a name just as perfect.
cool's gold. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. house of meshresentatives. shiver me trousers. pantarctica. fruit of the luge. thank you marvin. breathable underwear? mr. meshy goes to windyngton. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. we'll call it breezy fo'... uhh... no. we're going to call it breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! tom? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! snickers® satisfies. well, i usually do my fashion pesketches on the computer...
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @pupnight. a reminder all of these dogs are from pawworks. you can adopt them from pawworks.org or adopt a pet from your local shelter or organization. some humans get way to attached to their canine kpwapb johns coe this man. >> is that james -- >> oh. [laughing] >> chris: i love dogs but come on, guys. come on. that man died of rabies five
minutes later. even grosser the people who channel dog love into song. so comedians, i'm going to show you a dog-themed music video and for 250 points i want you to answer a question about it. first up heartland ♪ i know you like to ride along. ♪ i know you are my best friend ♪ ar you are ♪ [laughing] >> chris: that dog is looking for an escape route. how can i -- i can make it through the fields pretty well. our best friends. what do they have in common. barry? >> neither voted for hillary. [laughing] [beep] >> they both have sex with his wife. [laughing]
>> chris: next up a slow jam about scooping poop. ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm going to help you ♪ can i get down ♪ i like the way you walk ♪ ♪ >> chris: i like that song. i like. that i like that. what award is this guy going to win, lucas? >> most unforgettable handshake, it lingers. >> chris: kirby. >> sole black guy in northern washington. >> chris: alright. next one this ode to a dog ♪ ♪ i love you ♪ ♪ i love you ♪ ♪ pickles, i love you.
>> chris: pickles i is like, i love you but i'm not in love with you. i keep telling you that, you know. as this guy's hype man, bring him to the stage. >> yo, yo, yo do you hate songs with too much words in them, instruments any instruments you hate that, you hate melody or music? do you hate yourself, oh my god! >> chris: points. >> yes. chris: kirby. >> coming to the set a guy who has never left his house. >> chris: points. >> to be fare i bet a lot of people haven't left his house. [laughing] >> chris: points to lucas. next a girl's first attempt at being seductive.
♪ ♪ ♪ i kissed a dog ♪ ♪ >> that fish is dead. [laughing] >> chris: she kissed a dog and she liked it. what else do you think she likes doing? >> getting screened for hpv and. hroubg as. >> you know working on her memoir, 50 shades of greyhound. >> chris: very good. [ applause ] >> chris: time for our live challenge, doggy howlser. only someone who really knows their dog can tell if that adorable, yearning look on their face means they love you with all their heart and never want to stop snuggling, or they just took a (/ bleep/ ) in your new pair of jordans. well, now researchers from the
yale canine cognition center say that dogs can also tell what humans are thinking. they know pointing is a significant gesture, they can read emotional expressions, and they can tell when you're bluffing at poker as proof from that real photo of a real thin [laughing] comedians, since we now know that we're being watched so closely, i want you to come up with some observations about human behavior from the perspective of a scientist dog. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more@pupnight [cheers and applause] tonight is tag team tuesday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners they and their tag team partners will both be winners. they said it was impossible they and their tag team partners will both be winners. to have great-tasting light beer. boom. award-winning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops. they also said a hologram can't pour a beer. that's unfortunate. ♪ these are the four fathers of father's day.
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>> chris: welcome back to @pupnight. we have doggies up here from the paw works. they're available at pawworks.org. adopt a pup. i know my god. [ applause ] >> chris: i keep sending my wife pictures of the puppy, i might bring this home. i know. >> oh, he spoke to you. >> no he's hitting on the girl in the front row. >> chris: yes my wife has a 30-pound egyptian cat who wouldn't be super chill if i bring home a dog. alright before the break we asked our comedians to tell us something that a scientist dog would have learned from observing human behavior. let's see what you wrote. lucas. >> after extensive research i learn that human beings get to keep their balls, why. [ applause ] >> chris: right there. kirby. >> studies have shown that human
males show a confusing amount of pride in their penises despite they're the same color of their flesh instead of bright red. disgusting, disgusting. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: barry. >> at some point your two humans will make a tiny human. will you get push ad side and ignored. eat that tiny human while it's still small. and the rolled up newspaper is literally defenseless. >> chris: great. i will give a thousand points to everyone for. that [ applause ] >> chris: it's time for cat on a hot tin roast. while dogs are putting in hard emotional labor as man's best friend, cats are getting a free ride as little fur terrorists. they don't sit, they don't stay, and the only thing they fetch for you is a case of
toxoplasmosis. just look at this (/ bleep/ ) aw, he's tired from his long day of napping and (/ bleep/ ). so it's time we put cats in their place. i will show you a picture of a cat. i want to you roast him. first up, grumpy cat. lucas. >> you look like steve minus the good looks. >> chris: points. next hello kitty. barry. >> you suck for being a japanese cartoon character i can't jerk off too. [ applause ] >> chris: points. next up. cats, kirby. >> hey, cat, andrew lloyd webber was phantom. >> chris: next up keyboard cats. barry i think you're definitely dead by now. [laughing]
>> chris: points. i see -- lucas. lucas, you fell behind in the last round there. you're in third place we have to eliminate you. don't worry we're sending you to a nice farm upstate. a lot of room to rome free and be with the trees and nature. >> are you going to shoot me? chris: no, no. >> no, no. chris: not that you're aware of. >> no. chris: any last words before we send you away. >> please don't shoot me would be the first. then hey, guys tune in tuesday nights on abc to "downward dog" it's not about yoga, and it's good. >> chris: thank you, lucas. [ applause ] that means it's time to take me in your arms rescue me, it's for the win! we've been joined all night by
these dogs that i need in my life permanently. they're from paw works. i don't typically ask our viewers to give homes to viewers on the show. the most we have asked is to let steve agee sleep on your coach. they're ready to be adopted. look, he's so good as giving love. to help these pups find a home i would like you to come up with a line to sure get them adopted. we will have your ans - [restauraunt] ohhh. - i can't watch it. another miss. - we're getting killed. seems like a good time for a rally beard. probably going to take a - ha. yea. - yeah. miracle to get back in this game. is it doing it? yeah. roberts on the steal.
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finder profile. kirby, let's start with you. >> about me love doing it doggy style, walking on the leash i mean. totally dcs, down to fetch, and i will [beep] [beep] your throw pillows. >> chris: okay. good. >> chris: cutie is obsessing. barry. >> okay. my previous owner was either abusive, mall santa or bin crosby. either way i lose my [beep] mind when i hear christmas music so let's have a happy hanukkah. >> chris: great. you can clap all you want. your reaction is entirely irrelevant in tonight's proceedings. i will put cutie down. cutie will choose the winner. >> hi, cutie. >> hi. >> cutie. [cheers and applause] >> come here, come here.
>> cutie. hris: and kirby is the winner. kirby, you have won the internet and cutie has won our hearts. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be tom rhodes, sean donnelly and lucy davis. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #dogbroadway and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. thank you to paw works for all the work they do and people in your town who rescue dogs. your town who rescue dogs. adopt a tko *d! - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪