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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  June 9, 2017 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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you wanna know? you better keep your eyes on me, baby. i'll see you in hell! bye-bye! ( cheers and applause ) >> it's 11:59 and 59 seconds let's sub merge ourselves into the-- intragram and pintest are were stucks with studies with of the unicorn frappachino the candy colored monstrosity that looked like something you would find during taylor swift's colon os scoppee. but as stated in new ton's law of instagram for every annoying social nedia trend interest is an equally annoying social media trend.
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this unicorn frap has been countered with a wave of spooky lacking got foods like black ice cream which looks like something would you find during ann kowl ter's colon os scop-- colonoscopy. flipping it, and dipping it. there is also this dlitful haunted hot dog. which i found, i didn't understand what that-- i guess she gets hungry after i go to sleep. i don't know what happens after i fall asleep but of course there's this creepy latte right there, blacker than the heart of your failed dj barista, so pajicians what does this taste like, heal. >> what is a father's disapproval. >> yes-- hale, what is a father's disapproval. >> yes, first of all, i want to thank you for phrasing that in the form of a question.
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>> this is jeopardy with jiz jokes. it is ji z-pardy. points for that. olivia. >> . >> points for that. something you want to throw on there. >> yes. >> criss angel's jiz. >> yes, points, see in see? equally disappointing. >> it's cute to post pecs, but what does this really mean. someone who listens to the cure and played dnd in high school and college and ten minutes before i came out herement i have a special place in my heart for the subculture that let's its freak flag fly proudly. because we have the dark and brooding delightful cast of the
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magicians here tonight, i love your show. i'm telling you, i said it on twitter before, magicians is the new buffy, you guys. 100 percent, the new buffy. in my life. we are devoting rapid refresh to got on the net. so we thought about changing the show's fame but "@midnight" is already pretty [bleep] got, you guys, it is got af. next up, no tomorrowland. while gots have a reputation for building gloomy and humanless that is an unfair ster why typed base solely on everything about them. look how much fun they are having's annual disneyland got celebration (laughter) this is the best part of splash mountain. (laughter) wee. last month's got from across the country flocked to disneyland for the 19th annual bat day fun in the park to fill themselves themselves with the if you tillity of life and churros,
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parties, a black market and constantly making tourist asks each other is that tim burton over there. magicians what is the ride a got would love at disneyland. olivia. >> the emotionally haunted mansion. >> yes, points. hale. >> what is i need my space mountain. >> yes, points. >> that was the that answer was the dillee double. summer. >> cinderella's astle. >> it's like cinderella's actual ass hole. >> her actual ass hole. >> next, got life alert. most of us who went through the manic panic phase eventually grew out of that black nail polish cocoon like a beautiful
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butterfly with shoes and a job but some refuse to give up it. meet the elderly woman who will not stop being got no matter what anyone says. first of all, that is not an elderly got. at most she graduated high school in late 1999 with hon ares-- honors and dash board confessional. this is is an elderly got. (applause) living the dream. check out cold topic over here, the got sub culture began around the 1970s or so meaning there could be got in their late 60s wandering around struggling to find their metro so magicians as an old person who was there from the beginning, please tell us what it meant to be got back in your day. olivia. >> i remember when i used to have to walk 15 miles up the hill in the snow just to tell my dad to [bleep] himself. >> chris: yes, points, points, very good. he doesn't understand you.
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halle. >> you know, when i was your age, the smiths were just a nice couple we played bridge with. >> chris: yes, points, absolutely. absolutely. next up reality frights. one of the hazards of dressing lake the ghost of a vic triaian child what died of cholera is that your look is perfect for warehouse reefs and but it sometime out of place in society, case in point, the shot of a got in a food court. (laughter) i can't tell if that is a got in a food court or someone who just like [bleep] loves panda expression-- express. yus likes could playing. -- cosplaying. which of these is another viral photo of suburban spooks in the wild. a couple cuddling rescue kittens. >> a death metal couple cuddling rescue kittens.
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>> i would love to see that but it is actually this one. i know what you kids want for christmas, let's go huff paint in my van. then i'll get you nice and [bleep] up, ho, ho, ho, ton as i said three stars from a show that my wife and i absolutely a door, the magicians, season two streaming on scie fie.com. you should watch it. the third season. with 400 poipts she plays alice, olivia taylor dudley. with 300 points summer bishil. (applause) and elliott himself hale
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appleman with 300 points. (applause) the everyone is primed and ready it is time for tonight's hashtag wars. sergeant peppery lonely hearts club band is 50 years old. this ground breaking album had an immeasurable take if star wars were a record but george lucas didn't go back and put in a bunch of dumb cgi. in reality only half the beatles are still alive and half of them are ringo. so we're tbing to, very respectful. we will look our disappearing youth in the eye with the hashtag elderly beatles song, examples might be here comes the son who never calls any more. and with a little help from my nurse, i'm going to put 60 seconds, begin. hale. >> baby you can drive my car through the farmer's market. >> chris: yes--
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(laughter) >> yes, points. olivia. >> i want to hold your hand so i don't fall. >> chris: yes, points. points. hale. >> hey, jude, put in your hearing aid. >> chris: yes, points, very good, summer. >> lucy in the sky with xanax. >> chris: yes, pointings. olivia. >> all you need is viagra. >> chris: yes, points. olivia. >> my wife in the sky with most of her friends. >> chris: yes. hame-- hale. >> help. >> chris: yes, points, points. summer. >> here comes the ambulance. >> chris: yes, points. olivia. >> while my widow gently weeps. >> chris: send us your hashtag elderly beatles fans and tag them to keep the game going. we'll be back with more
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"@midnight." congratulations to the winner of yesterday's hash tal war these fruit of the loom breathable underwear are perfect. they need a name just as perfect. cool's gold. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. house of meshresentatives. shiver me trousers. pantarctica. fruit of the luge. thank you marvin. breathable underwear? mr. meshy goes to windyngton. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. we'll call it breezy fo'... uhh... no. we're going to call it breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom.
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ask your gastroenterologist about entyvio. entyvio. relief and remission within reach. welcome back. to the program. say, i created a festival that is going to be northern california and they're going to be at it, a music festival at the kmic con, km de festival as well. june 24 and 25 go to-- for tix. come on down to silicon valley right now it is time to play loser illusion. loser illusion.
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magic can be one of the most beautiful-- not all magicians climb to heights of their profession, i will show you videos of am is dropouts and for 250 points i would like you to answer some questions, first up, michael and sven with the table cloth magic trick. >> oh. >> what is their followup magic trick. >> walking on broken glass. >> yes. >> olivia. >> getting put into two separate foster homes. >> chris: they shouldn't be allowed to be together. summer. >> making grandma's glasses
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disappear down the toilet. >> chris: she is dead, she lived a good life, let it go. -- ashes. she didn't want to be alive to witness this anyway. next up, i'm sure will you recognize magician paul weatherbee who tells you how to learn magic. >> you can also buy instructional dvds and when all else fails go to the library and rent a book. >> chris: oh yeah. (laughter) love a good book rental. what is the book, this guy should rent at the library. olivia. >> what to do after your life partner is disabled by an abused tiger. >> chris: points. next one, this disappearing water trick.
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>> next i'm going to make water disappear. i will pour it in this bucket . voila. >> i think we all feel bad for what just happened. so let's make this kid feel better. what is a trick that even adult magicians have a hard time mastering? hale. >> loving themselves. (laughter). >> chris: excellent, points, summer. >> bringing their wife to orgasm. >> chris: yes, points, next up guy who shows you how to be a pick up magic artist or a puma. >> it is a versatile trick. a great place to talk about as i said working out, exercise, how strong are you. you look healthy as a horse.
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>> oh yeah, you get a lot of puss with that one. what is another magic pickup line that won't work, hale? >> [bleep] want to [bleep] (laughter). >> chris: i think the crowd will back me up on this, that was so elliott. i love it. (applause) olivia. >> oh, is this your iud? >> chris: oh my god! (laughter) it's time for our live challenge. why doves cry. is your company failing but still has a couple thousand dollars the irs hasn't found yet. why not inspire your staff with a comedy magician motivational speaker.
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that is the correct reaction. it is full of video reals that use comedy to instruct employees and kill 30 minutes while the wait staff kills the eggplant parm, if you don't believe me check out this real for motivational magician healer mark rock inson. >> more than just a motivational speaker. mark carries otherwise forgettable events into motivational homeruns. and you can think of someone from your company that would be fun to illustrate cost cutting? >> chris: here he is demonstrating how to make a sexual harassment claim disappear. so over the break i would like you to write me a line from a motivational magician that might be said at a business event. we'll get the answers after the break. right back with more "@midnight" .
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♪ harvesting great hops: equal parts expertise and instinct there are no shortcuts to goose ipa. we don't need to be the only beer you drink. we just want to be the best beer you drink. [brad] so you guys are empty [mom]nesters, huh? that? [mom] now that the kids have flown the coop, this place is too big.
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[dad] we raised them from eggs. [brad] what do you say we get crackin' and try apartments-dot-com? with custom search features and the most listings, it's easy to downsize. oh, how about florida? [dad] the kids will love it! [mom] it's jacob! hello? [parrot] hello! hello! [mom] we miss you. [brad] change your apartment. change the world. it's about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. they got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. (chuckling) or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. (laughing) or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. (laughing) new left and right twix® packs. it's time to deside.
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>> chris: before the break i showed you a motivational comedy magician i asked to you give a lesson he might teach a business audience. let's see what you came up, summer, let's started with you. >> sorry i couldn't put your company president back together after sawing him in half but on the bright side, promotions for everyone. >> here aye. >> olivia. >> to show off your new company cafeteria menu i will pull a rabbit out of this hat and put it into a blender. >> chris: yes, very good. hale. >> and for my next trick, i will show you i will show you why you shouldn't have paid me in advance. >> yes, very good, very good. i will do-- i have to give
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everyone $5,000 pointings. (applause) everyone gets $5,000 points. it is time for censorree overload. you know, everyone knows it is inappropriate to swear around young children but holy [bleep] is it fun. it is. if they don't know especially it's funnier. however, yesterday soanee pictures announced it is offering kid friendly versions of certain films dubbed over obscene language. here is an example of what that might sound like from a 2006 classic snakes on a plane. owe have had it with this monkey fighting snakes on this monkey-- plane. now this movie won't give your children monday to friday
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nightmares at all. so since this is a late night show and the kids are hopefully in bed let's see how many famous movie quotes question make more obscene in 60 seconds, and begin. hale. >> play it again, sam, my neck, my back, my puusy-- pussy. >> chris: yes, points, olive why wants frankly my dear i don't give a [bleep]. >> say hello to my little dick jz hale. >> toto i have a feeling we're not in kansas any more, you know because of all the m munchkin [bleep] >> chris: yes. >> looks like we're going to need a bigger dick. >> chris: yes, points. hale. >> i wish i knew how to [bleep] >> chris: yes, points. >> summer. >> i'm mad as hell and i'm not going to take it up at ass any more. >> chris: points. >> chris: okay, great.
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i'm not-- i would never eliminate any of you. i would never eliminate. are you precious to me, all very precious to me, so that means it is time to maybe get that checked out. it's for the win. all right, excepting-- some resort to plastic surgery, hair plugs, even worse, guy liner like pletter pants for your face. the best way to accept your flaws is by leaning into them like this little man and his little friend here. lack at this guy. -- look at this guy. (laughter) it was probably cheaper to have that removed. you get to make that, a very creative use of skin, a stranger snapped this photo allegedly claimed the pan was unsure about
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the tattoo and so a voice from inside his giant mole said just do it. but magicians, during the break please come up with another tatoo that you would use to accentuate this man's big ass mole, we will name a winner when we come back on@magic -please miss this. -c'mon miss this. and it's down to a freethrow. -please miss this. here you go guys. -what is this? -it's a foodoo doll. you know. it's a big shot. -foodoo doll. -right. okay uh. got his arm. oh. oh no.
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it's a miss but... oh man. put it back. put it back. what is that? his hip? his pelvis? -i'm just trying to fix this. -it at least needs to be symmetrical. we could have a bit of a delay -i'm just trying to help. but we'll be back with overtime. it's a lightly fruit flavored, under 95 calorie, spiked sparkling water. so now you can make the ultra light choice. henry's hard sparkling. the ultra light choice. ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra. (quiet chatter) (soft gasp) (record scratching) ( ♪ ) (excited chatter) ( ♪ ) various: whoa!
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(mixed exclamations) ( ♪ ) (cheering) ( ♪ ) (cheering) doto be our next spokesperson?m seems like a good fit. but he's so boring. i'm yawning just talking about him. well it's our job to change that. uh guys. i think he can hear us. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume?
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yes, it's laminated. no thanks. you're hired! caramel has been square for far too long. uh. ow. introducing new caramel m&m's.
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yogig-speed internet.me? you know what's not awesome? when only certain people can get it. let's fix that. let's give this guy gig- really? and these kids. and these guys. him. ah. oh hello- that lady. these houses! yes, yes and yes. and don't forget about them. uh huh. sure. still yes! you can get it too. welcome to the party. introducing gig-speed internet from xfinity. finally, gig for your neighborhood too. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for for the win. i will wipe your scores clean. using magic, there is goes. i will read your answer as loud. you the audience will decide the winner, before the break i showed awe mole that got its own tattoo, and then a guy grew around it. i asked you to come up with
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another tattoo incorporating this mole, let's see what you decided to do here we go, number one, (laughter) all right. number two. >> very nice. , why do we have to make that mole sexy. or, or number three. >> oh my god. i do think mr. peanut was the winner, with was mr. peanut,

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