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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  June 9, 2017 12:31am-1:06am PDT

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this mole, let's see what you decided to do here we go, number one, (laughter) all right. number two. >> very nice. , why do we have to make that mole sexy. or, or number three. >> oh my god. i do think mr. peanut was the winner, with was mr. peanut, hale appleman has won the
quote
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internet. he is the most funny man in the feks next three and a half hours. monday night our guests will kumail nanjiani, ray romona and kurt braunohler. watch the magics-- magician. i love it, and be nice to each [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight and i just booked my tropical cruise on the north pole! wonder woman dominated at the box office this weekend with some of the best reviews ever for a superhero movie and a record opening for a female director. it was also the rare d.c. comics movie that wasn't so dark and brooding you'd think it was
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written through a cloud of vape smoke in a hot topic break room. but not everyone was thrilled about it. the always in-touch and never insane pundits at fox news complained that wonder woman wasn't patriotic enough! they were upset that her outfit wasn't red, white and blue and that the movie didn't mention america enough. well, i guess that would make sense but wonder woman isn't american! there is a thing about that. she's not american. anyone who is even passingly familiar with the character knows that she's from the island of themyscria, originally known as paradise island before the crisis in infinite earth's storyline in 1985. maybe they're more familiar with justice league stories where wonder woman is often seen in the league's watchtower except, oh wait, that's on the moon (/ bleep/ ), and the last time i checked, the moon wasn't in america. even though apparently there is a flag on there somewhere. who knows maybe you're right. maybe i'm right. i feel i know more about continuity then fox news, bitch.
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that's why it's not called fox comic. [ applause ] >> chris: and also really great job jerking yourselves off about wonder womens out fit colors on a news channel there. is nothing else going on in the world at the moment, guys. complaint fox news has about a big summer movie? >> sean said captain under pabts wasn't sexy enough. >> hraodz the under pants. chris: alan. >> all of the characters are hippie hybrids. >> chris: points. beth. >> now, i'm not a mathematician i think the caribbean is somewhere close to merica, shouldn't there be a american pirate of the caribbean. thank you. [ applause ] >> chris: you know rob
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gronkowski, the new england patriots superstar who's like if the incredible hulk had the temperament of a toddler at a pizza party. well, the man they call gronk just disrupted a wedding. what'd he do? a. teabagged the punchbowl b. intercepted and spiked a bouquet toss c. exercised the rite of prima nocta on the whole wedding party yes. >> i have to go with c, right. [laughing] >> chris: i mean you don't have to. you could. >> i mean i would actually say b. i will change my answer. >> chris: great. b maybe the correct answer. let's take a look. [laughing] >> chris: dumped the gatorade on the bride.
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wow, think twice before inviting gronk to your childbirth. next up: pornhub is a website where you can see people doin' it until your wife gets home. then you're looking at a spreadsheet. a different kind of spreadsheet. a spreadsheet with numbers on it. they recently released a list of the most common porn search term misspellings on their site by state. there's "amaturr," "thresome," and lebony. and "lesian," for people who have a fetish for rug burns. but as you can see, the most common porn misspelling is "poerpl." porm ."
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this is the porm. in belt. if you spell it porm how do you get to pornhub in the first place. what is your favorite movie on pormhub. >> women with big natural kitties. [laughing] >> chris: john. >> girls gone mild. chris: yes girls gone mild. you won't believe how so far these girls are not willing to go. yes. >> what about tight shaved wussies. >> chris: i may of fallen into that particular cat fore at some point in my life. >> chris: next up arts and crafts. >> chris: children's arts and crafts are the best way to celebrate your child's creativity while also
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distracting guests from your disgusting fridge. but they can be a little hard to interpret, as one dad on reddit discovered when his kid brought home a confusing art project. did the kid make a happy little fly or an angry flying turd with a living boner? everyone is confounded by this one. huh. allen. >> i will say angry flying turd with a boner. deep down all kids are inside gross monsters. right. >> chris: let's take a look: flip that upside down. oh, reverse i believe. ible. >> wow. chris: this is definitely what the dad called a angry flying turd boner. >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. with 400 points
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from "wrecked," season 2 premieres june 20 on tbs & "random tropical paradise" in theaters friday, it's jessica lowe. with 400 points co-creator of "master of none," season 2 streaming now on netflix, it's alan yang. and with 300 points from "i'm dying up here," sundays on showtime, it's jon daly. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. are you [beep] ready for some #hashtagwars. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i'm glad you applauded. if you didn't i would be been like that's our show and ended it right there. the nba finals are going on right now but with the golden state warriors so far dominating the cleveland cavaliers, even basketball diehards have been bored by this year's rematch. in fact, the most exciting thing to happen so far is this gliding towel boy: [laughing]
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>> chris: whoa. wow, with smooth moves like that, this guy should be doing exactly this, i guess. no matter what happens, the cavaliers will always be winners and i'm not just saying that because the wall, produced by lebron james, comes back june 22 on nbc. [cheers and applause] [laughing] >> chris: i have no other reason to say that. but maybe adding some television could liven up this championship mismatch. so tonight's hashtag is #basketballtv. examples might be it's always sunny in philadelphia 76s are. >> michael jordan dancing with the stars. >> chris: jon daly. >> walt frazier with kelsey slammer. >> chris: very good. >> kareem abdul-jabbar rescue.
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chris: very good. >> fresh prince of bel air ball. chris: jon. >> curtsy alley-oop. hris: very good. >> the -- chris: yes, points. jon. >> basketball basketball wives. chris: yes. >> dr. j. medicine women. chris: jon. >> family triple double dare. chris: allen. >> baskets. chris: points. >> chris: send us your #basketballtv and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. [cheers and applause] our tweet-of-the-day presented by buffalo wild wings from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @cantankerousben. these fruit of the loom breathable underwear are perfect. they need a name just as perfect.
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nobody does underwater stunts, sylvia. except me, of course. this is my stop. adios! ♪ if you're a stuntman, you cheat death. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. número uno! >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play twitter, b.c. twitter is the best way to stay on top of the latest trends, but -- and also get yelled at by people in all caps. if you go back to twitter's early days, you'll come across
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tweets that have aged as badly as cream cheese in the sun. like this vintage post from shaq: "i'm apologizing to my man @crissangel i will never spell your name wrong again. u r the best magician ever. my bad. levitate me pls" now apologize to david blaine comedians, i'll show you a twitter blast from the past and for 250 points you answer a follow up question. first up, from 2009, when justin timberlake was experimenting with how to use social media: "hope you guys enjoyed the thumb wrestling. any other ideas for the live chat?" well guys, any other ideas for the live chat? >> justin put your dick in my box. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: is that a indication where that's located. >> in case he didn't know. chris: you keep it there, cool. >> in the podium. chris: here it is. jon daly. >> why don't you show yourself
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getting n sync with yourself. oh, brother. >> shut up, i'm funny! chris: and jon daly flew into the audience with his angry raged boner. >> damn it! chris: next kevin durant is one of the nba's best shooters. but this 2010 tweet was a brick. "i'm watching the history channel in the club and i'm wondering how do these people kno what's goin on on the sun..ain't nobody ever been" farah signal sis. what's another kevin durant deep thought about a tv show? allen. >> also what the [beep] club are you that's playing the history channel. [beep] [cheers and applause] >> chris: points.
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jessica. >> watching are you paul's drag race in the club and i'm thinking if kevin can't love himself how in the hell is he going to love somebody else. can i get an amen. >> chris: jon. >> i'm in the club watching one day at a time and it's only a half hour. [laughing] >> the best! >> good answer. chris: points. >> chris: next up, lindsay lohan sure was excited about non-prestige tv back in 2009, tweeting: "love when csi does the cross over episodes with ny, miami, and vegas!!! woohoo!" csi has those cool one liners that end with an actor putting on sunglasses. what's a one liner about lindsay lohan? jon. >> don't miss with the zohan but mess with the lohan. >> ya, ba ba ba ba ba! [cheers and applause] >> chris: points.
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jessica. >> looks like the only issue here was daddy. [laughing] >> chris: points. >> and mommy. >> chris: next one, back in 2008, taylor swift tweeted this to her feline companion: "apologizing to a very needy cat for being gone so long." again if she is tweeting at her cat they're still not [beep] hanging out. the cat has to read this on twitter. taylor writes songs about her past loves. what's her song about this cat? jon. >> hey i just met you, this is crazy, chase this laser because i'm lazy. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> they're back, they're back. >> i got him back. chris: techniquely that's not a taylor swift song but i will give you points. >> i don't know any. i'm a huge fan. i don't know your music.
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>> chris: allen. >> my neck, my back, my pussy is my cat. >> chris: okay, points. >> winner. >> chris: finally, al roker is america's weatherman, and this 2008 tweet was in fact how twitter was originally intended to be used. "watching my kids @ tae kwan do" what's another vintage status update from al roker? jon. >> i'm about to hit this weed, they call me al toker. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for our live challenge. a bear in colorado recently broke into a home, probably looking for honey or deliciously sweet, yet smokey human flesh. but instead of mauling the sleeping residents like bears usually do, this bear took a little time to maul the ivories!
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[laughing] then it mauled the sleeping residents. right after that. this is not what i expected when i googled "bareback on piano." when we come back, before my wife came home, when we women back we will bring this musical bear to the stage. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with break and be right back with more @midnight! hi guys. in the desert.be here. at the mall. on the mountain. at school. at the beach. in the big easy. yeah yeah today i want to show you guys the next-gen chevy equinox. what do you think? that's pretty. pretty sexy. it looks aggressive. but not overbearing. it's not too big. not too small. seems like the perfect car for anybody. i would take it anywhere. she's a bad mama jama. (laughter) current qualified gm lessees can get this introductory lease on the all-new 2018 chevy equinox for around $249 a month.
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight.
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before the break i showed you this video -- play us a song you're a piano bear. >> it's beary joel. chris: nice. be i asked you to bring this piano-playing bear to the stage. jon. >> ladies and gentlemen, are you in the mood for ed? he couldn't make it in his place is this bear. run you fools! save yourselves! this bear will kill you! [cheers and applause] >> chris: with song writing ability. kill your heart with song writing ability. eat your heart. jessica. >> he's here to sing some love songs. which he knows nothing about. he's a panda bear and he refuses to [beep]. why don't you [beep]! >> chris: alright. >> they don't [beep] very nice. chris: allen. >> we will write out the mouse cal bear in a second.
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first here is your opening act. the mauled corps of matchbox 20. [cheers and applause] >> chris: the bear -- >> his head. chris: right there. okay. let's see how do i divvy up points there. i think i have to give a thousand points to jon daly. >> oh, ya, baby what the [beep]. ya! oh, god yes. >> chris: 500 to jessica and allen each. >> chris: it's time for advice nauseam. graduation is the time when college students get bombarded with life advice from scores of adults who aren't doing what they love at all. heck, even celebrities like oprah will show up to impart
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important life lessons like "why not wait a couple decades before marriage?" and "if you want to be successful, try to be oprah." comedians, to help new graduates weed out the good advice from the bad, i want you to give me as many bits of terrible graduation advice as you can. in 60 seconds go. allen. >> you may have that useless liberal arts degree you have that back up theater arts degree. >> chris: jon. >> kill your parents, make it look like an scent and live on the cash. >> invest in fidget spinners, trust me they will always be popular. >> move to la you will totally make it as an actress. >> chris: jessica, a threepeat. >> wow, from you no own khro *ep bjs. [ applause ] >> chris: jon. >> have a daughter and make sure she gets kidnapped so you have one job, finding her. >> chris: allen. >> drop me there is never a better time to open a week store
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combination blockbuster video. >> chris: allen you're in third place we have to eliminate you. any last words before we -- throw you into the streets. >> sure. i guess watch "master none" that crazy dude who knows. >> chris: alright. red light. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to cash in-- it's for the win! [cheers and applause] apple made a slew of announcements at their worldwide developers conference today, revealing exciting new products that will probably cost thousands of dollars and then if you get it near water it won't go well. you will argue at the genius bar. i didn't get it near water. the inside of the device says otherwise. one exciting announcement is that you'll soon be able to send
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and receive money via imessage. personally, i'm thrilled that i can now accidentally butt dial someone $6,000. i will say that your late night dick pics will be more appealing if you also attach $69. nice. comedians, during the break i want you to compose a shady imessage with apple's new apple pay feature. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read the answers allowed. you the audience decide the winner. before the break i showed you apple's new feature to let you send money via imessage and asked you to compose a shady monetary text. let's see what you came up with. first one ... so excited for your eggplant emoji i will bring my peach emoji for dessert. always love dinner with my grandma. [ applause ] >> chris: or number two ... bill gates here, here is your one billion dollars for killing steve jobs. way to go making it look like cancer. wow. you're a sick crowd. [cheers and applause] >> chris: ire sick and wrong.
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you're bad people. [cheers and applause] >> chris: who was number two. jon daly has won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23.5 hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be lucas neff, kirby howell-baptiste and barry rothbart. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #basketballtv and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. goodnight! [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight and you're such a good puppy, good boy.

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