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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  June 13, 2017 1:40am-2:11am PDT

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♪ and she has the right to queef ♪ all: ♪ fly free ♪ free to queef aloud ♪ fly free ♪ let every queef show that you're proud ♪ - ♪ you faced so many challenges ♪ ♪ to put an end to your grief ♪ all: ♪ you're a woman now ♪ and you are free to queef ♪ - ♪ it's time for equality ♪ we must give them the respect they deserve ♪ - ♪ they're just the same as you and me ♪ ♪ their rights must be preserved ♪ all: ♪ queef free - ♪ queef free all: ♪ every woman has the right ♪ ♪ queef free - ♪ queef free all: ♪ let your queefing star shine bright ♪ ♪ you are woman, hear you roar ♪ - ♪ queef free all: ♪ queefing too loud to ignore ♪ - [queefs] all: ♪ queef a little each day ♪ ♪ and let your soul take flight ♪
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♪ ah-ahhh ♪ ahhhh ♪ queef free - for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. - [queefs] - no! [both cackling] - stop it, katherine! this is a serious moment! - therefore what god has joined together, let no man-- - [farts] - oh! - [cackling] - [queefs] oh, sick! - [farts] - [cackling] - [queefs] - [farts] - that's it! i now pronounce you farts and queefs! [all cackling] captioning by captionmax >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause )
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♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight, author of the book, "hunger: a memoir of my body," roxane gay is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) a really amazing story. we're going to chat about it later. first, some news coming out of iraq. it's been ten years since the death of saddam hussein and the details of his legacy are still emerging. >> new details emerging about the find days of former iraqi dictator saddam hussein. a guard at the prison where he was held released details in a book leading up to the prior days of his execution saying saddam hussein was a big fan of mary j. blige. >> trevor: turns out saddam hussein was a big fan of mary j.
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blige. ♪ i'm going down ( laughter ) remember how awkward hillary clinton was looking last year when mary j. blige was singing to her? that would have been saddam's dream. ♪ it ain't no secret ♪ it ain't no secret ( laughter ) snits not uncommon for dictators and strong men to be fans of pop divas. all performed at parties for dictators. muammar gaddafi was a fan of mariah carey. ♪ and you will always be my baby ♪ ♪ 'do-da and vladimir putin listens to -- ♪ dust it off and try it again
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> ( laughter ) enough about the old school dictators. let's talk about future hall of famers. last reek week was probably one of the worst weeks of donald trump's presidency which is something we say every week now. trump's presidency is basically like global warming, every week is the worst and republicans are trying to hard to deny it. we know former f.b.i. director james comey testified in the senate that trump pressured him into dropping the flynn thing. the other side came out the very next day. >> i doesn't say that. >> so he lied about that. >> well, i didn't say that. i mean, i'll tell you i didn't say that. and there would be nothing wrong if i did say it according to everybody i've read today, but i did not say that. >> trevor: how did he say that? donald trump gets away with saying things no other human being can say. i didn't say that, but if i did, it would be fine.
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can you imagine if bill clinton pulled that -- i i didn't have sexual relations with that woman, but if i did, hot dam. hot damn, if i did, but i didn't. ( laughter ) james comey said trump asked him to stop investigating flynn. trumcomey said no. trump asked comey to pledge loyalty. >> i hardly know the man. who would ask the man to pledge allegiance? i hardly know the man. it doesn't make sense. >> trevor: i'm going to agree with trump here. no normal person would ask someone they hardly know to pledge loyalty to him. that seems farfetched. i have to agree. for someone to do that, they would have to be some kind of loyalty freak. >> i'm, like, this great loyalty
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freak. if people are unloyal to me, it's a act of horry. no matter what, hurricanes or whatever, we'll vote for donald j. trump for president! >> trevor: wow, trump says loyalty so much, eric changed his name to it just so he would feel like his dad was talking about him. do you want me now, dad? do you want me now? ( laughter ) i will say, if it's loyalty trump wants, he doesn't need to look any further than the party he successfully hijacked because when they're not spending their time dismantling healthcare and secret one-party meetings, the republicans are working hard to come up with creative ways to defend president trump. last week was all about finding different ways to explain why donald trump asking comey to drop the flynn investigation was
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not obstruction of justice. here at "the daily show," we've chosen the best of the most craven excuses for this week's show board top five. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) coming in at number five, the guy who knows more than anyone about obstructing things, new jersey governor chris christie! ( laughter ) he defended trump by saying that the president didn't obstruct justice, he's just donny from the block! >> what you're seeing is a president who is now very publicly learning about the way people react to what he considers to be normal new york city conversation. >> trevor: ah, yes. a normal new york city conversation. just like dustin hoffman in that movie "midnight cowboy." >> hey, michael flynn's a good guy, okay? i hope you can let this go! >> trevor: hey! hey! i'm obstructin' over here!
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what's wrong with you? ( cheers and applause ) and number four, a surprised entry said to be the senate's most moderate republican, susan collins of maine. her defense was something special because, remember, before donald trump asked comey to drop flynn, he kicked everyone out of the room, right? which, to most people, would mean trump knew he was about to do something wrong. >> not necessarily, and here's why. the first interaction that the president had with mr. comey in early january at trump towers, it was the f.b.i. director who cleared the room. perhaps the f.b.i.'s actions in that first meeting sent a significance nat to the president that that is how their interactions should take place. >> trevor: okay. let's back up for a second. the first time trump and comey met, comey cleared the room to tell trump about potentially
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embarrassing information, right? and now senator collins is saying that all trump learned from that meeting was, anytime i meet with this guy, it's got to be the exact same way. ( laughter ) is that what she's saying? if that's true, pray to god you don't first meet the president somewhere awkward like at a urine because every time you meet him, he'll be, like, trevor's here, everybody! penises out! he's got something important to say! ( laughter ) that's a top five excuse, but not a top three excuse because to get into the top three you can't just be smart, you have to be spineless and no one does spineless quite like house speaker paul ryan who cade trump made a boo-boo because -- >> trump's new to this, he's new to government, so he probably wasn't steeped in the long-running protocols that establish the relationships between d.o.j., f.b.i. and white houses. he's just new to this. >> trevor: yeah, guys, it's
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his first time being president! what's wrong with you? ( laughter ) that is really nice of paul ryan, right? i'm sure he'd let the same logic apply to undocumented immigrants that come over and say that -- yo, man, i'm so sorry i crossed without papers, but i'm not steeped in the protocols of immigration! i'm new at this! i'm new at this! paul ryan understands, man! ( applause ) so let's move on to the number two on the show board top five. making her debut on the charts is r.n.c. chairwoman ronna mcdaniel with the smash hit hope doesn't mean a command. >> let's go to what james comey said, say his version was true and the president said, i hope you let this go. listen, i'm a mom of kids. there is a difference between saying i hope you do your homework and go do your homework. >> trevor: the difference is one is way more threatening than the other. if your parents say go do your
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home work, that's them telling you what to do. if your parents say, i hope you are going to do your homework, you best believe that is a threat. that is a threat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) let me ask you, can you imagine if you used that lodge income your family? if your broment said, child i hope you're not talking back to me! it's, like, oh, granny, i'm still glad you have hope and dreams at your age! you would be dead! ( laughter ) let's never forget that trump didn't just say that to comey, he also cleared the room first. he kicked everybody out. now, i'm sorry, you know when your parents told your friends to leave so they could have a conversation with you, it wasn't to tell you that you were going to get ice cream. you were about to die. all right, everybody, go home, tell your friends, and you're, like, ahhh! ( laughter ) i hope... ( laughter ) so those are among the very best
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republican excuses for donald trump's behavior. but topping the charts is lindsey graham, and his is the best excuse because it speaks to something true -- donald trump's profound incompetence. >> he doesn't believe he did anything wrong with the russians and i tend to believe him. he can't conclude with his own government, why do you think he's colluding with the russians? ( laughter ) >> trevor: he can't collude with his own government. yo -- lindsey graham is gangster, i'm sorry. who else can defend trump? that's the best defense. they should hire lindsey graham as his lawyer. your honor, my client is far too stupid to commit that crime and as the
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big tobacco must love diversity. they love it so much that here... they advertise up to... 10 times more... in black neighborhoods... than in other neighborhoods. 10? 10 times. how is that ok? big tobacco is really trying to make friends with black folks. i see you. so much that in the past... big tobacco called us... a market priority. it's not a coincidence. it's profiling. don't let it go unseen. enlist @ be the generation that ends smoking. blue moon is brewed with valencia orange peel, ♪ for a taste that shines brighter.
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♪ [crunch] ♪ yeah! ♪ [crunch] ♪ hahahaha! hono-o, hono-o, hono-o!! ("flame, flame, flame!") ♪ [crunch] ♪ [growl] [slap] [slap] [punch] [crunch]
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he's got a condo. he's got a car. he's got a career. but that still doesn't mean he gets you. time to shine. orbit. well you're really gonna hate the new ipad pro because you can do pretty much everything with it, like type... hate it. or take notes... hate it. or even multitask. multi-hate yeah. you can do all the things you hate. great.
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the future isn't silver suits anit's right now.s, think about it. we can push buttons and make cars appear out of thin air. find love anywhere. he's cute. and buy things from, well, everywhere. how? because our phones have evolved. so isn't it time our networks did too? introducing america's largest, most reliable 4g lte combined with the most wifi hotspots. it's a new kind of network. xfinity mobile. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: w >> trevor: >> trevor: welcome back to the "the daily show." one thing i've noticed over the last few months is a lot of people don't like
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president trump. say what you want you can't deny that when it comes to twitter, he is the king. donald trump is basically running the entire country with his thumbs. if you want an example of just how powerful his tweets, are let's just start with this afternoon >> a u.s. appeals court has delivered a stinging ruling against president trump's revised travel ban order citing his own tweets as part of that decision >> trevor: that's right, once again, the travel ban has been banned. and you see, that's how powerful trump's time line is -- it defeats an entire team of white house lawyers with a single tweet, just one! all of them are like, law school! trump is, like, 140 characters. as consequential as trump's muslim ban tweet is turning out to be, it's not even the big one. the big one is after james comey senate testimony. >> president tweeted friday after i got fired that i better hope there's not tapes. i woke up in the middle of the night monday night because it
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didn't dawn on me originally that there might be corroboration for our conversation, there might be a tape, and my judgment was i needed to get that out into the public square, coo i asked a friend of mine to share the content of the memo with a reporter because i thought that might prompt the appointment of a special counsel. >> you can connect the dots with the one tweet to saying he better hope not there is tapes to the appointment of special counsel. >> it would go back to one tweet if there are tapes. >> trevor: i take donald trump at his word when he tweets. not everyone is as respectful of the president as i am. there's a group of beltway insiders scheming to disempower donald trump claiming his tweets should be ignored. >> his obsession with covering everything he says on twitter and very little of what he does -- >> that's his preferred method of communication. >> that's not true. >> it's not policy. it's executive order. it's social media. this is clearly observ obsessio.
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>> i think it's obsession over every detail of president trump's treats. >> trevor: i can imagine trump saying in bible days, people need to stop obsessing over every single commandment! i know they're written in stone but it's not like literally, i mean literally literally. ( laughter ) it's the president. people don't get it. >> are president trump's tweets considered official white house statements? >> well, the president is the president of the united states so they're considered official statement by the president of the united states. >> trevor: thank you, sean. yes. yes. ( applause ) donald trump's tweets are official presidential statements, that's why last week the u.s. military bombed "covfefe" which is actually a small town in somalia. we thought it was a joke. here at "the daily show" we sea dangers that face trump. there are forces in washington
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that would suppress his tweets. not on our watch. we want to make sure the tweets are collected in a setting where every american can appreciate them. june 16-18 "the daily show" presents the donald j. trump presidential twitter library, a real place to visit in midtown man hasn't at 3 west 57t 57th street. if you have hard time finding it, here is trump tower and literally around the corner is our twitter library. that's where it is. ( applause ) funny when you think about it, you can go to both those buildings for trump's tweets but ours will let you in, so go there. and the tribute to h president and his historic phone fingers is free to the public so come out and see donald trump's finest 140 character works with exclusive videos, interactive exhibits and a chance to see if you can tweet like president trump. so come out, be a part of
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history and, who knows, it may be the final part of history. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) where are we? about to see progressive's new home quote explorer. where you can compare multiple quote options online and choose what's right for you. woah. flo and jamie here to see hqx.
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flo and jamie request entry. slovakia. triceratops. tapioca. racquetball. staccato. me llamo jamie. pumpernickel. pudding. employee: hey, guys! home quote explorer. it's home insurance made easy. password was "hey guys." it's home insurance made easy. wwell, it's just abolike a real pencil,? so when you write on the new ipad pro, there's basically no lag. ...what's the big deal about a little lag?
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oh, they even paid it off! wow! yeah, it's nice that every bad decision doesn't have to be permanent! now you can ditch verizon but keep your phone. we'll even pay it off when you switch to t-mobile. hi guys. in the here. at the mall. on the mountain. at school. at the beach. in the big easy. yeah yeah today i want to show you guys the next-gen chevy equinox. what do you think? that's pretty. pretty sexy. it looks aggressive. but not overbearing. it's not too big. not too small. seems like the perfect car for anybody. i would take it anywhere. she's a bad mama jama. (laughter) current qualified gm lessees can get this introductory lease on the all-new 2018 chevy equinox for around $249 a month. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a best
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selling author whose new book is called hunger a memoir of my body. please welcome roxane gay ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: i know you from your writings and columns. many people know you from topics that range from feminism to politics to social commentary, but this book is a memoir that takes us through your life in a way i don't think anybody would expect. it takes us through your life through the prism of eating and through the prism of being a fat person living in the world. >> yes. >> trevor: why did you choose to write it in this waw? >> because i wind want to write it at all, but, as i was thinking of what i wanted my next nonfiction project to be, i wanted to tell the story of mu body because when you're fat in the world, people have assumptions about who you are and why you're fat and think you're stupid.
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yesterday someone e-mailed me, do you know exercise is required to lose weight? ( laughter ) no, never occurred to me. and, so, you know, i think it's important to show, like, what it's actually like to live in this world in a fat body. >> trevor: what's really heart wrenching is the story you tell in the book and that is you were gang raped at 12 years old. >> yes, i was. >> trevor: and that led to a journey of hating yourself, hating your body. how did that come to be? how does your world colonel whraps? i know you write about it in the book but how does that happen? >> when i was 12, this thing happened, and it was suddenly expected, and it was a good catholic girl, so i didn't even know what sex was. i mean i knew the technicalities, by did not know what rape was. i certainly didn't know you could be with more than one person. and, so, my world was shattered in the aftermath, and i just thought i want to be stronger. i want to be bigger. and, so, i thought, if i eat a
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lot, those boys won't do this again because i will be able to fight them next time. >> trevor: right. >> and they won't want to do it because i will be fat and boys don't like fat girls. in many ways, it was a distribute choice. of course, looking back on my girl, talk to mom and dad. you know, 12-year-olds with secrets hold on to them very tightly. >> trevor: you didn't talk to mom and dad. why? >> i was really scared because i believed everything that we learned in church about pre-partial sex being a sin, and i was absolutely certain that i was going to hell. and then those boys went to school the following day and told everyone a different story, that i wanted it, and, so, everyone started calling pea slut and i just knew nobody would believe me because it was going to be my word against these guys. >> trevor: you talk a lot about the consequences of living if a world that sees fat a certain way. >> mm-hmm. >> trevor: now, i won't deny, as a comedian and person i've
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made a ton of fat jokes in my life. >> yep, absolutely. >> trevor: and there was a time when fat was seen as a novelty, a choice. america's gotten to a place where people are realizing it's an epidemic, they're realizing there are effects. >> yes. >> trevor: what are some of the effects that you've dealt with living in your body. >> well, you know, there are a lot of things that you encounter. like at the grocery store, people make commentary on what they see in your cart, and they send you uned advice. i'm a writer and i do events and i've had people come up to the signing line and offer me nutritional advice. i'm so ier are, it's just insane. i write in the book, the bigger you become the spawler your world gets because you can't necessarily fit in near to seats, and airplane travel is such a pain because those seats are not roomy for anyone, so you either have to buy two tickets, and the airline is, like, why did you buy two tickets, or you
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buy one ticket and you encroach on somebody else's space and they're, like, why didn't you buy two tickets? so no what the matter what you do you can't fit. the world isn't interested in creating a space for you to fit. people judge you and say you're going to die nine years younger, which why do you care? and they think you're draining the healthcare system, as they smoke a cigarette. so it's just a constant sense that you don't belong, and people feel no compunction about being cruel about it. >> trevor: it's an amazing story and i can only thank you for sharing it. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: thank you for being here, roxane. "hunger" will be available june 13. roxane gay, ebbed. we'll be right back. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause )
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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. we hope you will join us tomorrow night at 11:00. on the show, we're always catching up with the news, and the stories are constantly


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