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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  June 16, 2017 1:05am-1:41am PDT

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@midnight with your #nsfwgames and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. goodnight! >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight if you even believe in that kind of stuff. for the second time in three years the golden state warriors bested the cleveland cavaliers to win the nba title, the series mvp award went to kevin dawrnt but in the locker room right after the game he seemed new to the concept of celebratory drinking. >> you see here. here it comes. and, nope! >> nope! none of that. oh. he's a spitter. all right, guys, guys. whoa!
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now the season is over a bigger story may be developing in the story of basketball, dennis rodman who unlocked all of the costumes in the game of life has made a return trip to north korea, rodman tweeted from the totalitarian state earlier writing quote i am back, thanks to my sponsor potcoin. >> potcoin apparently provides financial services for the marijuana industry. hey if there is anyone you can trust with your money, it's stoners. give it to him! it's fine! >> then rodman cryptically added, i will discuss my mission upon my return to the usa. >> okay. so comedians, what is dennis rodman's mission in north korea? >> marcella arguello. >> challenging kim jong-un to the least watchable nude basketball game ever. >> >> chris: yes. points. pauly shore. >> what he is doing is kim jong-un is starting his own comic-con and i think three
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doors down is going to be there. i think that dog the bounty hunter and jeff sessions. yeah! >> kim jong-un time. >> chris:. >> to prove that black can crack, mentally, that is. >> chris: all right, all right. the crowd is divided on that one. very nice african-american gentleman in the front clapped so i guess it is okay. mike lawrence, you just scraped by. all right. >> the story of my life. >> chris: next, i believe in miracles. white privilege with abs, justin bieber has just broken a record! and sadly that record is not "believe" by justin bieber. instead he's broken the record previously held by the beatles for having two top three billboard songs for the most consecutive weeks. jesus jesus christ. >> that is formal wear. >> he is going to a wedding there.
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the old record was 12 weeks, but the biebs upped it to 13, which also happens foob the age of most of his fans. the remaining beatles took the news hard, they said, quote, who? but since this kid can do anything now except grow a mustache, comedians what is another record justin bieber is going to break? >> pauly. >> world's roughest hands. >> chris: yes. you want to get lost in them. roll around in them. >> the most (bleep) cautionary tale. >> chris: points. very good. marcella. >> setting off the most amber alerts. >> chris: yes. very good. perfect. good stuff. next up, swimsuit issues, first day of summer is just around the corner and if you are in the market for a new swimsuit, retailer beloved shirts has a new release called the sexy chest one fees but before i show it to you i would ask that you measure your expectations because it may not be exactly what you think.
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someone made like a gut value, oh! >> ta-da! the perfect suit 0 to help you win the miss bulgarian garbageman pageant. there is finally something more european than a speedo. >> this the flirty one piece lets everyone at the pool know that you are fun and act five and a huge fan of john lithgow on a personal note i would like to congratulate beloved shirts for finding a way to break internet's rule 34 by creating the first thing online that literally no one can jerk off to. so now stop trying. i will find a way in. >> i will find a way in. now that i know this exists i am a little disappointed this suit never made an appearance in the new baywatch knew but a fellow can dream. so comedians i'd like you to give me a line from the scene in the next baywatch movie featuring this swimsuit. >> i saw the baywatch movie, there will not be a next baywatch movie.
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>> chris: okay. points. marcella arguello. >> oh, no. all the men are being left to drown by that proud white feminist. >> chris: all right. pints. finally, you can two look at that dude's camel toe. pauly. >> welcome to staten island. >> chris: yes. amazing. >> next up, house empty, in lovely house in arizona is currently for sale, two bedrooms, one bath on 20 acres, 240 grand, wow, in los angeles 240 grand will get you a giant walk in closet in clint howard's guesthouse you can share with a meth head who sleep stabs. so why? having trouble finding a buyer. fully decorated for cats and cats only or it was a site of the infamous porn machete murder. >> mike lawrence.
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>> i mean, i think it was the second one, but it feels incriminating because i look like i was there. >> chris: yes, you do. >> you know what, it is actually the first one. it looks like you could be there too. >> chris: let's find out. >> featuring 22 bedrooms. with one full bathroom. oh! >> that is the most pussy you can get without ever getting any pussy. >> chris: yes. very good. i will give you 100 points for that. that one bathroom doesn't include a toilet but a human size liter box. let's check the score boards, 300 post, host of the pauly shore podcast on crackle.com, it is pauly shore! 200 points performing at drafthouse comedy in washington, d.c. this weekend and the
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festival in mountain view on june 24 and 25, marcella arguello! >> chris: and then with 500 points performing at the improv in west palm beach florida, june 25, it's mike lawrence! >> chris: guys, (bleep) it, let's do a "hashtag wars" now! i am so unpredictable except this is where we do that every night so i guess i am not. there is a metric butt load of sequels in the theaters this summer with new installments from everything from sci-fi blockbuster to animated classics, to a very weird he sequel to "la la land" where ryan gosling and emma stone give up their dreams and move to houston. >> oh, my god. >> chris: to celebrate our cinema figure obsession with not letting any property die a dignified death, tonight's hashtag is #badmoviesequels, for
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example, examples are the bourne retiree and suicide hot line squad. 60-seconds on the old clock and let's begin. marcella. >> american history xxx. >> chris: yes. points. marcella. >> sleeping butte two, cosby strikes back clac! >> chris: points. are you (bleep)ing kidding me three times in a row. marcella arguello again. >> boys in the newly gentrified hood! >> chris: yes. points. doing it. mike lawrence. >> justice league of their own. >> chris: yes. points. pauly. >> jurassic trailer park. >> chris: yes. points. very well played. pauly shore again. >> 17 candles. >> chris: yes. points. >> it was a -- >> chris: edward have a giant naah hand. >> edward vagina hand. >> can he still scissor? >> chris: oh, nice. i got to give you 100 points for that. >> marcella.
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>> made in manhattan gets deported. >> chris: yes. points. pauly. >> styles of the lamb chops. >> chris: yes. points. silence of the lamb chops. >> chris:. >> -- 2. tokyo drift. (bleep). >> chris: points. mike. >> death son-in-law. >> chris: that is a great idea. that would be good. marcella. >> get out 2, more white girls, mo problems. >> chris: all right. very good. a perfect place to end:sequels, send them to #badmoviesequels and actually some get made. we will be right back with more @midnight. our tweet of the day from our last "hashtag wars" was sent to us by @randilynisin. us by @randilynisin. well
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight, it is time the play sell-ebrities. sell-ebrities. celebrities don't just used their brand they use it to promote products that make them money like when kylie jenner shows off her make-up line or kyle jenner shows off kylie jenner. >> these folks will have to be more careful because the ftc will crack down on products without making it clear they are making money off of it on instagram so if you saw this picture with me of my cat this is actually an ad for a feline butt hole deodorant. >> feline butt hole deodorant, ftb, for when your pussy sting. >> whoa, whoa, whoa.
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>> chris: what, what, what! >> so comedians i am going to show you random instagram celebrity for 250 points i want you to tell me what you think they are selling. first up, here is drake. what is he selling? marcella? >> ladies, it started from his balls, now it is here. it is drake-itis. >> chris: oh, wow. that is 100 percent. >> this is real passion fruit. >> chris: from vin diesel. >> how about this? >> what is -- mike. >> he is selling the fact he won't admit he is 49. >> chris: all right. points. pauly. >> my (bleep)ing shorts. it is more like an irish kilt. >> chris: yes, a little bit. >> his new shorts, pauly shorts. >> oh! >> chris: a great idea. >> that is a great idea. >> chris: marcella. >> his fake tanning lotion, skin
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diesel. >> chris: points. another break idea! that does it for, hard to tell but this is lena dunham, hard to tell, what is she selling, marcella. >> vr experience of new york city with zero minorities. >> chris: all right. points. >> mike. >> a feminist remake of big hero sticks where she plays bay maxi pad. >> chris: eric trump, eric trump. what is this? marcella. >> he is selling that raccoon into slavery. >> chris: points. mike. >> the (bleep) guardians of the galaxy sequel. >> chris: yes. points. >> we are eric. >> chris: pauly. >> his dad's toupee, i mean, come on.
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> >> chris: next one, new england patriots superstar gronk, what is he selling? >> thanksgiving themed flashlights. look at the way she looking at the thing. >> chris: stuff your turkey. mike. >> he is selling the concussions he has gotten. he thinks that is his wife. >> chris: all right. >> definitely no points. all right. >> good. >> chris: you did not scrape by that time. finally, aerosmith singer, aerosmith singer stephen tyler. >> dude looks like an old lady. >> chris: yes. points. that is another great idea. pauly. >> he is selling his dong to dong, dong, dong, dong. >> chris: yes, he s points. >> dong, dong, dong, dong, dong.
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>> what? >> he is selling his dong, dong, song, dong. >> wait. you think that is cisco? >> no. but it is dong and rhymes with dong, so he has a dong song. >> chris: he has a point there. that rhymes. you know it rhymes. >> okay. >> chris: all right. time for live challenge. house of medical cards. secret service agents have been disqualified for choking up in the past but the secret service is having trouble finding drug free candidates and given a green light to hiring former pot smokers and the inevitable seth rogen movie right there, there it is. so over the break, there is a se quality. over the break i want you to come up with a status report a stoned secret service agent would give. we will get your answers after the break and we will be right back with more @midnight.
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>> tonight is tag team tuesday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter accounts so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. here they are!
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that always makes you feel right at home. gold peak. the taste that brings you home.™ >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before i told you about how former pot smokers will finally be allowed to be secret service agents and asked you to come up with a status report if a, that a stoned secret service agent would give. let's see what you came up with. pauly, start with you. >> oh, bro, i think, mr. kennedy, someone is trying to assassinate you. oops, i guess i will have to get my job back at schlotzsky's, bro. >> chris:. >>
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>> chris: marcellad. >> mr. president, mr. president, may i be black? i hold you in extremely high regard. ha, ha, ha. and i will take a hit for you. you know what i am saying? i am high as (bleep). >> chris: perfect. very well done. mike lawrence. >> man, i really miss the black dude. he is the, he used to share his stash with us. oh i shiewlt have said that, i meant african-american. >> chris: all right. very good. oh, man. that is a tough one. but i think i am going to give 1,000 points to marcella arguello, 500 points each to paul he and mike. >> chris: now it is time for i know my rights! >> have you ever watched a cop
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show you heard the words your the right to, you have the right to remain silent. anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. well this disclaimer exists due to a supreme court ruling issued this day in 1966, establishing the standard warning read to prepared criminals known as the miranda rights. though personally i am more of a samantha rights. >> you see -- no, no, no. i know you are just patronizing me and not on board for that joke. but these aren't the only protections citizens are granted by law. so comedians i want you to come up with as many lesser-known miranda rights as you can in 60-seconds. pauly, remain. >> you have a right to remain silent when you are forting deadly. >> you have the right to punch bill maher in the face. >> wait, we still have rights? >> chris: all right. points. >> marcella. >> you have the right to use any bathroom you want except in north carolina and indiana. >> chris: all right, points.
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the pauly. >> you have the right to party! party! >> chris: points. marcella. >> you have the right to (bleep) the police. >> chris: yes. points. >> you have the right to watch my movies with me while we masturbate to the sky. all right, points? >> i have a feeling lot of people will take you up on that. mike lawrence. >> you have the right stuff, baby. oh, oh, oh, my god. oh, boy. i will give you points. marcella. >> you have the right to an attorney. if you can't afford one, you are white and you will be fine. >> chris: points. i feel bad that is true, if that makes it any better. i feel bad. sorry. >> you are making me feel guilty for being me. >> good, you should be ashamed of yourself mike lawrence.
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>> chris: all right. you are establishing a pattern of not eliminating anyone this week so i feel it would be wrong to eliminate anyone for the rest of the week. it is too much fun. i will see, i want to see what everyone answers in the last round. it is time for eat it raw, for for the win. people are more likely to eat something if it is labeled in a more sexy fashion you can trick people into eating sexy food into sexing up the description, it is called lying. that works. who wants to eat a healthy carrot when you could have a twisted crusted glaze carrot, still who is going to eat beats when you can eat dynamite chilly and seasoned beats. why have broccoli when you want broccoli that wants to (bleep). >> don't neglect the stalks. comedians i suspect organic
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lettuce likes to get nasty, give me a tinder profile for a sexed up vegetable. we will have our comedians answers and name the winner when answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight.
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yogig-speed internet.me? you know what's not awesome? when only certain people can get it. let's fix that. let's give this guy gig- really? and these kids. and these guys. him.
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ah. oh hello- that lady. these houses! yes, yes and yes. and don't forget about them. uh huh. sure. still yes! you can get it too. welcome to the party. introducing gig-speed internet from xfinity. finally, gig for your neighborhood too. >> chris: hello to you and welcome back too the @midnight program. i am going to wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. all right. it comes down to this and read the answers out loud and you the audience will decide the winner and also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break i told you -- do yodo you have to pee? >> i am excited. >> chris: it is just the excitement. cool. before the break i told you how sexing up the description makes people want to eat their veg-jay-jays and i asked you guys to come up with a tinder profile for some come hither produce. let's see what you wrote. the first one. hey, i am a cucumber, you know what i am for. >> yeah.
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>> chris: number 2. corn, if you want to get freaky i am a little husky. i am amazing in bed and i let mexicans slather mayo on me, so jimmy wants to crack my corn, because i don't care! or number 3. pumpkin, anyone still into smashing pumpkin? i think it was number 2. who is number 2? marcella arguello! you have won the internet! tomorrow night our guests will be wayne bray, greg, wayne brady, greg proops and beth dover, until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #badmoviesequels and become tomorrow's tweets of the day. i am

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