tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central June 19, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT
check it out. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i am ayou understanding today a new policy just as i promised during the campaign and i will be assigning that contract right at that table in just a moment. ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight so good luck and don't (/ bleep/ ) it up! alright. everyone remember to keep breathing because it's true, beyonce has reportedly given birth to twins. most became aware of the news from the tell-tale high-pitched shrieks echoing from every sephora around the globe, but the news was officially confirmed by beyonce's father who posted this on twitter: "happy birthday to the twins. love, grandad."
even though the next day was father's day, beyonce's nged dad and former manager made the entire weekend about himself in true dad style: without having to leave the couch or put on pants. queens, what were some other signs that queen bey's twins had arrived? alaska. >> my vagina dilated to ten cent meters. >> chris: good. points for that. katya. >> the sky cracked open, frogged fell from the sky, and i finally got my period. [cheers and applause] >> chris: congratulations. very important time. very important time. ginger. >> my neighbor's kid raised their lemonade stand prices so high i had to move out of town. >> chris: next up, bored in l.a. if there's one thing los angeles is known for, other than show business and body dysmorphia, it's terrible traffic.
but relief may soon be on the way, because this past weekend, loveable robot, elon musk, the billionaire entrepreneur with a look that says "j. crew tony stark" -- and whose brain says "human emotion is inefficient" announced that he'd had promising discussions with los angeles mayor eric garcetti about building a series of tunnels under this ground. the underground passages would allow for efficient, high-speed transit of vehicles, pedestrians, and other things that will be crushed in an earthquake. why go underground in los angeles. above ground sucks a lot of the time. why down there. now, all this digging under a place with as much history as hollywood is sure to turn up some interesting stuff, so queens, what do you think is buried and do you think they might they find hidden under los angeles? katya. >> an underground rafting tour you can float by discarded breast implants. >> chris: points. you don't want to touch them though. [ applause ]
>> chris: ginger. >> my dignity. chris: yes, points. it's under there. >> it's very deep. >> i can't believe they actually found it. >> i didn't know i ever had it. chris: next up fan service. rupaul's drag race has some of the most rabid fans in television, as evidenced by this studio audience who will scream till they poop when i even mention rupaul's drag race. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: well that's all the time we have. thank you for watching -- anyways enjoy your pooping. there's an astonishing number of incredibly creative fan tributes online. which of these is an actual instagram account about the show? rupaul's drag race where a cat dresses like the contestants or
rupaul's drug race where bongs are made to look like the contestants. >> i wish it was the second one. the first one is real i have seen it. >> chris: yes. here is the real answer. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> in all fairness i saw the second one as well when i went on tour with sharon needles. it was very accurate. >> chris: a special treat. i'm not a technical queen but rupaul folks have done me the honor of creating kit hardwick! a very accurate representation of me. >> it looks more like ponald trump to me. >> chris: you're right, man. grab him by the pussy. this one. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. great.
next, deadeye dick pics. brazilian supermodel marlon teixeira climbed his way to international stardom with nothing but hard work and (/ bleep/ ). here he is in a picture from his modeling agency dressed like a nerd to give his dick a minute to dry off. stop bullying me jocks, i'm just a [beep]able nerd. as a superdupermodel, marlon knows how to use his eyes to look sexy and at stuff! here's a quick reel of his eye work courtesy the vogue paris facebook page. >> i'm marlon teixeira. i'm in town to have a little fun. seduction. death. fear. [laughing] >> chris: seduction.
fear, joy, unbuttoned shirt. hair. i guess it ladies this. is fun for like three to six months. then you come around to the old reliable. a guy like this -- [cheers and applause] >> chris: queens, you all have eyes. i would like to show me what you have learned from eye actor marlon teixeira. katya. [cheers and applause] >> chris: very good points. >> that was betrayal. chris: yes. ginger. >> mine is -- [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> i like to call that one, oops, walked in on me blowing your dad.
>> chris: alaska. >> mine is called listening to a trump supporter speak. okay, ready. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i like it. [cheers and applause] >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. tonight we have three stars from "rupaul's drag race" season 9, fridays on vh1. [cheers and applause] >> chris: so great to have them here. so great to have them here. with 300 points it's katya. [cheers and applause] >> chris: also with 300 points it's ginger minj. [cheers and applause] >> finally i might win
something. >> chris: with 400 points it's alaska thunder (/ bleep/ ). [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: well done. and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. albert einstein once said "peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding." with those timeless words of wisdom in mind, i am proud to announce that katy perry is ready to bury her beef with taylor swift. o, glorious day! finally, an end to the longstanding feud between two people who your dad thinks are the same person. >> too soon. chris: too soon. so, to celebrate peace in our time, tonight's hashtag is #addawomanimproveasong examples: "highway to hell-en mirren" and "since u been mom." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. ginger.
>> she has bete davis eyes but it's a medical condition. >> chris: points. katya. >> video killed the labya scar. [laughing] >> chris: well done. >> ovaries don't take my ovaries. >> chris: points. alaska. >> girls just want to have control over their own bodies. [cheers and applause] >> chris: katya. >> it's raining mensies. chris: points. alaska. >> delta burr k2 global partners ke. >> chris: din goer. >> my girl has post par testimony all the time. >> chris: alaska. >> i will always love uterus. chris: katya. >> life is a himen. >> i want to ride it all night long. >> chris: points. great place to end. teamwork. send us your hashtag to keep the
game going. we will be back with more "@midnight." our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @realsusandixon. well done! welcome to stouffer's fit kitchen. prime cuts of meat. 25 grams of protein. and savory, mouth-watering sides. it's the perfect balance of delicious and nutritious. making it just the right fit for you. stouffer's fit kitchen meals. this is fit.
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and these kids. and these guys. him. ah. oh hello- that lady. these houses! yes, yes and yes. and don't forget about them. uh huh. sure. still yes! you can get it too. welcome to the party. introducing gig-speed internet from xfinity. finally, gig for your neighborhood too. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play intermission impossible. [cheers and applause] >> chris: yes. let it out. the most important rule for theatrical actors is "the show must go on," narrowly beating out "don't feed mandy patinkin after midnight." still, it can be hard for true thespians to keep their cool
when things go wrong and they're dodging falling lamps and plummeting spider-men. but at least they get to be the stars in their own theater fail video when a filming audience member inevitably posts the mishap online. queens, i will show you some youtube videos of theater productions that went horribly wrong and for 250 points i want you to answer a question about each one. first up, kids learn to fly in this production of peter pan: [laughing] >> chris: so -- what's a line from the poster advertising this show? ginger. >> a smash hit. so many injured children, will you think you're at michael jackson's never land. >> chris: points. points. [ applause ] >> chris: alaska >> you've heard of a snuff film, but a snuff play.
[laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: i would of given you points just for the announcer voice. great top to bottom. katya. >> never grow old by dyng. chris: yes, points. that's right. [ applause ] >> chris: next, a boy and his cow take the stage in into the woods: i guess we know what they're serving at the wrap party. what's your next line to save this moment? alaska. >> this is bull [beep] chris: points. katya. >> hey dad, i'm gay. [laughing] >> chris: points. ginger. >> and that's why we can't have nice things. >> chris: yes, points. very good.
>> chris: next one, this not-so-magic carpet ride from aladdin: what's this aladdin wishing for? ginger? >> a jazz man whose magic carpet matched the drapes. >> chris: yes, points. katya. >> a car met with a immigration policy. >> chris: points. alaska. >> he's wishing for no one to blog about the fact that he's white. >> chris: points. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, cinderella boards her carriage:
what happens to this cinderella at midnight? ginger? >> she puts off her ride home. ass, grass, gas, nobody rides for free. >> she is happy to take part in the funniest miscarriage ever. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: it is time for our live challenge, apologize and dolls. [cheers and applause] >> chris: my dear queens, we've just seen some
embarrassing theater fails here, but sometimes a problem is so bad you can't just throw an understudy at it. and you've just got to get on the mic, apologize to the audience and cancel the show. over the break, i want you to come up with an apology a theater might give for the worst show-stopping problem you can imagine. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] (quiet chatter) (soft gasp) (record scratching) ( ♪ ) (excited chatter) ( ♪ ) various: whoa! (mixed exclamations) ( ♪ ) (cheering)
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all white raisin in the sun" was canceled we finally read the skreup. >> chris: katya. >> we are sorry to inform you tonight's high school production of fiddler on the roof will be canceled due to puberty. >> chris: good reason. i'm the fiddler on the roof. alaska. >> a funny thing happened. to the lead of "a funny thing happened" on the way to the forum. on his way to the theater this evening he had a massive heart attack. [laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: i will give a thousand points to alaska. 500 to ginger and katya. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for re pub's drag race.
fears, we've all got them. cats are afraid of water, gwyneth paltrow is afraid of gluten, and republicans are terrified of gay wedding cakes. they say people can't help who or what they fear, but let's be honest, being afraid of a gay wedding cake is a choice. if these stuffy old farts are scared of a pastry, imagine how terrified they must be of drag queens. so let's help them get their heart rates up. ladies, i want you to give these prominent republicans their very own drag names. first up, steve bannon: ginger. >> rosea o'donnell. [cheers and applause] >> chris: points. very good. >> chris: next up, jeff sessions. ginger, again. >> ross perot no she better don't. >> chris: next, senator ted cruz. alaska. >> the un[beep] kimi skhmitz.
[cheers and applause] >> chris: next up, ben carson. ginger. >> bob the drag queen. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, sean spicer. everyone's favorite. katya. >> melissa mccarthyism. chris: very good. [cheers and applause] cat ya, i'm sorry, you're in third place. we have to owe eliminate you. i know -- but, but we are going to put you under a gorgeous red light. you can make the light shine. [laughing] >> chris: do you have any last -- it was so sincere. do you want me to sell my pussy. >> i will do it. chris: do you have any other
last words before we release you. >> it's $15. >> $85. chris: great. that's means it's time to say four letter words. it's for the win! we obviously have a fabulously dressed panel here tonight. incredible episode. you're all amaze will. but on the far opposite end of the fashion spectrum is that tourist trap staple, the off-color novelty t-shirt. like the low brow classic "dump 'em out:" well, over the weekend, comedian patrick walsh tweeted a photo of this amazing acronym t-shirt with a twist worthy of m. night shyamalan. "we came for the twat-- the war against terrorism." [laughing]
>> chris: didn't that start in the bush administration. "the" is actually in there twice, but that's not the kind of guy i would stop to correct his grammar. this explains the defense department's recently announced plan to deploy two units in the pink and one -- one unit, one unit bringing it up the rear in the ole -- you know where it's going. queens, over the break i would like you to come up with your like you to come up with your own noveltiy tee shirt regerts!?le buzzing]
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blue moon is brewed mwith valencia orange peel, for a taste that shines brighter. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. it comes down to this. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i showed you this off-color t-shirt that reads "we came for the twat... the war against terrorism." merica! i asked you to come up with your own acronym based novelty t-shirt. let's see what you came up with. first one ... i live for the com, compassion of christ kingdom. [cheers and applause] excellent. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or number two ... i only drink [beep], certified unpasturized milk.
[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: who is number two? alaska thunder [beep] you have won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! an amazing show. thank you so much. we will see you tomorrow night when our guests will be eddie izzard, tim minchin and kristen schaal. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #addawomanimproveasong and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. goodnight! [cheers and applause] >> chris: i love you. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪