tv The Daily Show Comedy Central June 29, 2017 1:40am-2:11am PDT
ck home. [laughter] - we were saved. it was over. - after nearly four hours in the colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home. from the boat, the boys were airlifted aboard mr. hankey's magical helicrapter. in the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far that mr. hankey then had to fly them on his 7-turdy-7. from there, it was only an hour ride back home on the poo-choo express. four friends, torn apart by tragedy, would now start the long journey back to forgiveness. kenny mccormick's remains were finally brought home to his parents, and the boys received treatment for their herpes. - no, i didn't get herpes. i just had a cold sore. - kyle broflovski spent 27 days in the hospital, having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages. stan marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness
about the boredom risks of ziplining. his awareness videos became so popular that stan once again ended up jacking it in san diego. - as for eric cartman, he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing what he loves most. in just two weeks, he was back to drinking diet double dew, defiant to "dew" the math. - it's diet, dude. diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! my guest tonight here to talk about her new movie "beatriz at dinner," salma hayek pinault is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause )
but first -- but first, you all know why we're here -- it's comey day! >> the day is here, the fired f.b.i. director breaks his silence, appearing in one of the most anticipated hearings in recent memory. >> bars all across the country are opening early to host comey hearing viewing parties. >> they're offering a free round to everybody in the place every time president trump tweets. >> he actually spoke to a gentleman who lives across the street. he says he doesn't typically g to a bar at 6:00 a.m. but because of this comey hearing, he absolutely wants to make it. >> trevor: this moment today is what i love about america. during a great moment of consequence for democracy, everyone is, like, let's make zany cocktails, yeah! can i get a comey-politan and a two my ties to russia, please. thank you! donald trump may not have tweeted but that didn't mean
people didn't need a drink today. coming into today, we already knew in the first day of trump's presidency he invited james comey to the white house for a one-on-one dinner and demanded comey who was supposed to be politically independent give him a pledge of loyalty. then later in a private oval office meeting he asked the comey to drop the michael flynn russia investigation and when comey didn't drop it, trump fired him. can we pause for a second and acknowledge how bat (bleep) crazy all of this is? it's normal for us but if you just woke up from a co-pa and heard all of this at one time, you would be screaming down the street with your ass out in one of those gowns going, how is he still president? how is he still president?! so with all of that the stage was set for possibly one of the most serious hours in recent american history. the senate's testimony of james comey. ♪
wow, that did not match the feeling of the day at all. ( laughter ) today, james comey took his place in front of the senate intelligence committee to give his testimony on the trump-flynn-russia saga. since he's 11 feet tall it took place in a room the size of nebraska where everyone was gathered to hear the former f.b.i. director say whether he was, like, mad at the president or... >> happening now, breaking news, lies and defamation, searing testimony by james comey repeatedly accusing the president and his administration of lying and defaming him and the f.b.i. >> the administration then chose to defame me and, more importantly, the f.b.i. by saying the organization was in disarray, that it was poorly led, that the workforce had lost
confidence in its leader. those were lies, plain and simple. >> trevor: whoa, whoa, whoa, james comey, calling the president a liar? how dare you tell us things we already know! we didn't (bleep) for this! we want new information! ( applause ) so today comey gave really impressive testimony with details on every meeting, every phone call he had with trump, who, what, where, what facial expressions they had when they spoke, what they smelled like, everything, and the reason comey was able to go into such meticulous detail is, immediately after every single interaction he had with trump he wrote memos which james comey should be awarded for. he's the only person who wanted to remember his meetings with trump. the only question is why? >> now, you've had extensive experience at the the department of justice and at the f.b.i. you've worked on -- for the
presidents of both parties. what was it about that meeting that led you to determine you needed to start putting down a written record? >> a combination of things. i think the circumstances, the subject matter and the person i was interacting with, i was honestly concerned he might lie about the nature of our meeting and, so, i thought it really important to document. >> trevor: i've got to say, this is the first time i've ever felt bad for ted cruz, yeah, because you know he was watching this thinking, wait, you guys just now figured out trump was a liar? he said my dad killed j.f.k.! he said my daddy -- at least that's what i imagine happened because to one was actually rght watch the comey hearing with ted cruz so i don't know if that's how he reacted. but today i gained a new level of respect for james comey because throughout the time he served under president trump, it was only today we got the sense of how freaked out he actually was. >> i remember thinking this is a
very disturbing development and what made me uneasy was, at pat point, i was the director of the f.b.i. that gave me a queasy feeling, i couldn't possibly be having dinner for him alone. i got his -- his body language gave me the sense of, like, what aim going to do? >> trevor: this is why people always die in horror moveios -- i was getting a bad feeling about this and then i stayed to investigate further. i stayed to try and figure it out. if you had a black f.b.i. director after the first meeting with trump he would have been, like, oh, hell, no, this is some obstruction, yo! hey, yo, ivanka! ivanka, give me the keys! give me the keys, ivanka! sorry, babe! ( laughter ) from the very start overtoday's hearing it was clear republicans and democrats wanted different things from comey's testimony.
for the democrats, it was james comey please do what you did to hillary and knock trump out of the presidency and he did not give them that. >> do you believe this arises to the obstruction of justice? >> i don't know, that's bob mueller's job to sort that out. >> trevor: come on, comey! we didn't come to see you differentiate between your role and the role of prosecutorial judgment. >> you can't handle the truth! >> i didn't mean to shoot him! i thought it was you walking through the door! >> you're out of order! >> yes, they deserve to die and i hope they burn in hell! >> trevor: that's what we wanted, comey! we wanted madness, fireworks! ( applause ) or at least that's what the democrats wanted because i mean the republicans had a different goal. you see, they know that what trump did with comey was highly irregular. in fact, paul ryan even said trump made a mistake because
he's still learning government. i mean, you're the dumbasses who elected them. so republicans weren't trying to say trump didn't make a mistake, they were saying that mistake was not obstruction of justice. according to republicans, trump did not tell comey to stop the investigations, it was just something he hoped would happen. ( laughter ) >> regarding allegations that the president of the united states obstructed justice, and, boy you nailed this on page 5, paragraph 3 that says, "i hope "-- this is the president speaking, i hope you can see your way clear to letting flynn go, he is a good guy, i hope you can let this go. he did not direct you to let it go. >> not in his words, no. >> he did not order you to let it go. >> again, those words are not in order. >> he h said i hope. you don't knowov anyone who's
been charged for hoping something, is that a fair statement? >> trevor: i hope this (bleep) didn't just try to pull a fast one on us. i hope -- ( applause ) we're add outs here, senator risch was making it sound like trump was innocently hoping, like language doesn't have subtext, like trump was a disney character standing out on a balcony singing. ♪ i hope michael flynn will be free some day ♪ ♪ i hope he'll get away ( laughter ) that's not what happened! trump ordered -- this is what happened -- trump ordered everyone to leave the room, everyone was in the office, trump ordered everyone to leave the room. kushner, mike pence, even jeff sessions, who is comey's boss, by the way, he kicked them all out of the room, then turned to comey when they were alone and looked him in the eye and said --
♪ i hope -- ( laughter ) come on, man. that's not hope. republicans basically wanted comey to common rate trump and he didn't. democrats wanted comey to plirnl impeach and convict and jail trump. he didn't do that either. or at least we think he didn't because, clearly, the senators kept all the juicy details for themselves. >> we are reconvene in closed session at 1:00 p.m. today. >> we will be having a closed session shortly so we'll follow up on that. >> i don't think i can talk about that in an open setting heath r either. >> we can discuss those more in closed setting. >> i don't believe i can discuss that in an open setting. >> do you believe donald trump colluded with russia? >> i don't think that's a question i can answer in an open setting. >> trevor: then what the hell are we watching the open session for? why are we watching? ( applause ) you know, with all of these closed session answers, i felt
like, after this hearing, we walked away with more questions than we had coming in. for instance, what involvement did other trump administration had with russia, closed session. why did jeff sessions have to recuse himself from the russia investigation? closed session. is president trump now under investigation? closed session. today's hearing was cool and everything but basically it was like listening to a clean version of a hip-hop song. it felt like we missed all the explicit part and -- in the streets with my -- and i got that -- with the -- and the bad bad bad -- and the truth of -- going down with the -- what you know about the -- and you see with the big -- don't know -- you never see the -- and going with the -- and that's the truth -- and the man said -- ( laughter ) full lyrics available in the closed session. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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hey you've gotta see this. cno.n. alright, see you down there. mmm, fine. okay, what do we got? okay, watch this. do the thing we talked about. what do we say? it's going to be great. watch. remember what we were just saying? go irish! see that? yes! i'm gonna just go back to doing what i was doing. find your awesome with the xfinity x1 voice remote. "the daily show." today's responses to the comey hearings are a perfect example of just how divide americans are on virtually every issue. here with his perspective on that is our very own jordan klepper, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. thank you, trevor. it's true, we are a deeply divided nation, and it doesn't help that we have a president who's been stoking the flames on twitter. highlighting divisions on issues like the f.b.i., terrorism and basic spelling. however, earlier this week,
after the london attack, there was one trump tweet that i could kind of get behind. >> trump also injected a u.s. policy debate over gun control in discussion today tweeting, do you notice we're not having a gun debate right now, that's because they use knives and a truck. >> that tweet was classic trump, confusing, inflammatory, mentioned a truck. ( laughter ) but what was surprising was part of it was completely true. we with are not having a gun debate in america right now which is a shame because america's gun problem has not gone away. >> trevor: now, jordan, you've actually spent a lot of time out in the field investigating gun issues. >> damn right, trevor, i have been in the (bleep). i've taken courses on active shooter response, my carry license and this thought-provoking back tattoo. ( laughter ) and yet despite my dedicated efforts, gun violence continues to plague america. >> trevor: that makes sense.
gun violence is not an issue any one person can solve. >> wrong, i'm not a person. i'm a comedian and comedians in this day and age have one purpose. >> trevor: to make people laugh? >> wake up, trevor, it's 2017. a comedian's job is to change the world. comedy central recently gave me the opportunity to do an hour-long special to accomplish one simple task -- changing every single mind in america. it's called jordan klepper solves guns. roll it! >> i'm in a war zone. i'm going to embed in count with over 300 million guns, in 2013, 3,000 people died by gun violence, citizens are more likely to be murdered by a gun than any other civilization. welcome to america. we'll be right back we'll be right back. ( beeping ) good the country i'm talking about is america.
good is this go. ( crashing sounds ) >> trevor: wait -- you -- you got paid to make that? >> well, not yet. i mean, i assume i will, at some point. >> trevor: well, good luck. and good luck with your mission because seems americans are totally divided on guns, and the lines are pretty well drawn. >> that's the thing. it's not just two sides. the truth about the gun debate is there are plenty of voices of moderation you don't hear because nuance doesn't make for good tv but i went with nuance. >> trevor: you say your nuance is not good tv -- >> no, a large swath of common sense ideas you don't hear about because they're not traditionally exciting, and that's what i'm going to give you. >> trevor: you're giving us something that's not exciting. >> that's not what i'm saying. i worked marred on this thing! >> trevor: so it feels like
labor -- >> no, there are more americans on the same page than we're led to believe but the gun conversation keeps getting hijacked pi the loud tion achtdage riest voices. >> trevor: that seems -- >> shut up, trevor! there is a lot going on here! >> trevor: calm down, man. >> sorry. just super stressed about guns in america and whether or not i'm going to get paid. >> trevor: with a guy like you on top of the gun problem, i think we can safely say we're all now very stressed. >> great. >> trevor: thank you, jordan. jordan klepper solves guns tonight at 12:00 p.m. we'll be right back! ( "stay" by alessia cara. ♪wait a second "stay" by alessia cara. ♪your hands on mine ♪the clock is ticking, ♪so stay. ♪ i may be dead, but let me tell myou one last thing.d! get the new ipad pro!
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enemy might outrun or charge you. it's not easy to get your shot, hmm? try healing something. that is hard. that requires patience. you can break something in two seconds. but it can take forever to fix it, a lifetime, generations. that's why we have to be careful on this earth and gentle. >> sounds like you have a pretty tough job. >> trevor: please welcome salma hayek pinault! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> they're so nice. >> trevor: oh, they're wonderful. they're amazing. let me start by saying thank you for a great movie. "beatriz at dinner," your character is basically a masseuse who comes to the united
states from mexico, and she works for very, very rich people. when you look at this character and you look at yourself, what are the two things you can tie together where you go, oh, that was a piece of me and beatriz or a piece of beatriz and me? >> there's one thing i want to share because i think everybody has this and i think it's important and i think for me this is the most important theme of the movie, we all long for a place where there is purity, where you can feel pure. >> trevor: right. >> even the other guy in this movie that's so obnoxious and sometimes such a jerk, this man, he actually thinks he's going to find it in hunting. >> yes. >> trevor: but at least there is a -- he's looking for it. i think this is what can give hope to humanity, that we all long for a place, whether conscious or not, where you are
pure. >> trevor: and if you look at this character, this man you clearly do not like even now that the movie is done -- >> no -- >> trevor: -- he's a billionaire whose family loves hunting, he's really not nice and he believes the world is his to do with as he fees southeast fit. i don't know if it is safe to say that character was influenced by someone who may be -- ( laughter ) >> donald trump? >> trevor: oh, yeah, donald trump. ( applause ) was there a time? >> you know, the first idea that mike white had about this dinner was inspired by the fact that they had just culled cecil the lion. >> trevor: oh, yes, the dentist who killed cecil the lion. >> yes, so it was not inspired or influenced, but when you watch the movie, it's really strange. it's kind of uncanny, as if he
could predict the future, mike white. i mean, as if he could hear some of the conversations in the future. >> trevor: is it true donald trump asked you on a date? >> yeah. ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: i would just like to know how he asks someone on a date, because i can't picture donald trump asking -- >> he didn't try to come and grab me for sure. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i was at an event with my boyfriend -- >> trevor: oh, wow, okay. ( audience reacts ) and then he became -- i went like this, like i'm cold. he put his jacket on and he was sitting behind. and i turned around, and my boyfriend turned around, so charming, so nice, he said, hello, introduced himself, super nice. he said, i'm sorry, your girlfriend, i saw she was cold.
he said, no, it's okay. he kept talking to my boyfriend. he's like, if you guys are in new york, you can come to atlantic city,da,da,da, you can give me your numbers, stay in my hotel. then he's calling and just talking to me. i said, are you crazy? are you asking me out? you know i have a boyfriend. he's not good enough for you. not important. he's not big enough for you. you have to go out with me. >> trevor: oh, wow. did you end up marrying that boyfriend? >> no. >> trevor: so donald trump was right. ( laughter ) oh, man! thank you so much for coming to the show. "beatriz at dinner" is in new york and los angeles june 9th and theaters nationwide june 16! salma hayek pinault, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪