tv The Daily Show Comedy Central July 10, 2017 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT
now, here's your worst employee of the week. good night. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much, everybody! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight here to talk about his new movie "the big sick," kumail nanjiani is here, everybody! very funny guy! ( cheers and applause ) we're back! so happy to be back! thank you for coming back! we have been off for the past two weeks and, luckily, nothing happened, so we didn't miss a
thing at all, like nothing really happened in the news. oh, except for the big news, yes, of course, rob kardashian's instagram meltdown over his ex-. i bet when trump saw it on twitter, he was, like, it's gotten worse, folks! now there's a black china! ( laughter ) obviously, now that we're back, there is a couple of things we have to talk about. for one, last week's vice president scandal that will playing this administration for a long time. >> we've all been there, the sign says "do not touch," yet that's what happened to vice president mike pence at n.a.s.a.'s kennedy space center. it says critical space flight hardware "do not touch." >> trevor: ooh, mr. vice president! you bad boy! ( laughter ) i wouldn't be shocked if this was mike pence trying to fit in with the rest of trump's gang.
they're probably teasing him in the white house, well, if it ain't jesus boy. oh, yeah? boom, donald! i can also touch things and get away with it! oh, god, please forgive me, please for give me. ( laughter ) looks like he's trying to convert that piece of space technology. i cast the devil out of this gay space flight hardware. come to space, jesus! ( laughter ) i mean, there's a sign that clearly says "do not touch," and he's still touching its! mike pence is like janice from accounting, he just don't give a (bleep)! he just don't give a (bleep)! he just don't give a (bleep)! (bleep) mike pence! ( laughter ) sorry, john oliver wasn't on last night. i'm going through withdrawal. ( laughter ) while mike pence was touching space equipment, president trump was touching the world.
donald trump told poland first. some say it's because poland's politics are eerily similar to trump. i think they told him he wasn't doing well with the poles and he was, like, well, you know what? i'll talk to them myself! and he did. >> the fundamental question of our time is whether the west has the will to survive. our own fight for the west does not begin on the battlefield. it begins with our minds, our wills and our souls. just as poland could not be broke, i declare today for the world to hear that the west will never ever be broken! >> trevor: what i'm trying to say is west syed! ( cheers and applause ) yes, on his first talk in europe, donald trump flawlessly
delivered steve bannon's ideas urging the west to band together defending itself against the invasion of, you know, of the values of, you know, you know, of the people who don't, you know, really need the sunscreen, you know. you know who i'm talking about. and the crowd in warsaw ate it up. trump was having a great time. and as a nationalist leader, what do you do after you conquer poland? try your luck with russia. >> trump and putin, the two leaders finally come face to face at the g20. the president confronting putin on russia's hacking but both sides putting their own spin on what happened in that marathon meeting. >> russia's foreign minister says president trump accepted the denial. >> i strongly pressed putin twice about russian meddling in our election, he denied it. i've given my opinion. >> trevor: president trump handled russia's threat to democracy the way a lazy daddies
plins his kid. hey, man, you smoking weed? no! your mom said she meld weed. no! that's what i said. you know how your mom is. come on down, dinner's ready, let's go. ( laughter ) that's how trump is. he's about the mistakes of the future, not the past. >> the president says he's acting to prevent future election hacks tweeting he discussed with putin, "forming an impenetrable cyber security unit with the russians." >> trevor: you know what donald trump did here was basically like someone going, hey, guys, this is joey. joey stole my wallet and phone last week so we're teaming up to stop muggings in the neighborhood, isn't that right, joey? whatever, man. yea, team! ( applause ) now, back in washington, president trump immediately took a lot of heat from both members of both parties for how easy going he was with his b.f.f. putin which is probably why
trump backed away from the cyber security proposal later that day. but you can understand why trump was looking for a friend at the g20 because he sure didn't have any others there. >> the g20 nations released a document laying out a collective action plan on climate change, in a not surprising move the united states was the only nation to not sign on. >> unfortunately, and i deplore this, the united states of america left the climate agreement, but i am very gratified to note that the other 19 members of the g20 say that the paris agreement is irreversible. >> trevor: can i ask you something? why do translairts not talk the way the person does? because i'm sorry that throws me off. angela merkel is unshakeable, but this translater makes her sound uninsured blase. it's, like, ah, you know, the treaty is, you know, irreversible -- can you imagine if hitler had that translator?
he would be screaming -- and she would be, like, today, like, in germany, and hopefully tomorrow, the world is great, i don't know, we'll see. ( laughter ) trump and merkel have beef, clearly. that's what the speech is afnlt both know there is no love lost. you can even see it when they shook hands. look at the picture. it looks like they both had the prank hand shake buzzers. ( laughter ) they got each other. but that is amazing. the g20 voted 10-1 against the united states to keep fighting climate change. so i guess, in a way, donald trump got his answer because remember at the top of the trip is this trump asked if the west has the will to survive, and they said, yes, we do, which is why we're joining the rest of the world and standing up to you. yeah. they basically said we as the
west. ( applause ) we as the west will survive. and don't get me wrong, at first the other countries were afraid, they were petrified. they were thinking they could never live without the u.s. by their side, but then they spent some nights thinking about how trump did them wrong. they grew strong, and they learned how to get along. they will survive. we'll be right back. hey hey. ( applause ) ♪ blue moon is a well-crafted belgian style wheat beer brewed with valencia orange peel for a refreshing taste that shines brighter. blue moon. ready whnow.ou are. critics declare "the first female 007 is here." you've got every agency in the world after you. big mistake. ♪ ready, ready for action rated r.
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! you know, ever since donald trump became president, there is been one question on everyone's mind -- why?! what kind of god would do such a thing?! no, the other question that's been on everyone's mind, did the trump campaign collude with russia, the subject of investigations by the house, senate and f.b.i. but according to trump's people, not only was there no collusion, they barely even know what a russian is! >> did any advisor or anybody in the trump campaign have any contact with the russians who were trying to meddle in the election? >> of course not. >> i did not have communications
with the russians. >> are there any ties between plump mr. trump, you and your campaign or you and putin and his regime. >> no, there are not. that's absurd and there is no basis to it. >> every time russia is brought up they say, oh, trump! what do i have to do with it? >> trevor: yeah, that's a rhetorical question! ( laughter ) we know that's not true now. one after the other we keep learning about one after the other of the trump campaign that met with the russians after the campaign but none looked quite as bad as the one we found out about yesterday. >> donald trump, jr. admitting he met with the russian during the campaign hoping to get damaging information about hillary clinton. >> trump and kushner and manafort met with natalya said to have ties with russia's
governor. >> trevor: all three met with a kremlin-linked russian lawyer to get dirt on hillary clinton. at this point, it would be easier if the trump people would tell us which russians they haven't met. with i don't think even russia people hang out with these many russians. i have friends of all nash narcotics it's called diversity, bro. ever hear of it, of course not (russian accent). ( laughter ) if you're looking for evidence of collusion between temperature and russia, this seems like thee smoking gun but junior has a different take. >> i'll read you a statement from donald trump, jr., "i was asked to have a meeting by an acquaintance who i was told might have meaningful information about the campaign. i was told she had no information and she changed subjects and discussed the adoption of russian children and mentioned the magnitsky act.
it became clear these questions were the pretext for the meeting. >> trevor: baby you don't understand i only met with the other woman because she wants to (bleep). turns out she only wanted me to meet jesus. how are you quoingt call me a cheater, girl, come on! it is insane! that is bat crazy! ( applause ) donald junior's defense is he tried to collude but instead he got russian catfished? ( laughter ) like i don't care if you believe that russia colluded or not with the trumps. you have to admit that the trump team excuses make them sound dumber and dumber at every turn because first they said they never met with the russians then forgot the meeting with the russians then said we didn't know the russians counted and now saying this -- >> donald trump junior claims he didn't know who he would be
meeting agent the sit-down at the tower but asked the advisors to be there. >> trevor: really? some random person shows up at trump tower, the front desk called donald, jr. hello? someone's here to see me? oh, boy! send them right up! no, i don't want to know their name! i love surprises! jared, paul, you've to see this! no, i don't know who's in the meeting, let's just do it and be legends! ( laughter ) look, man, this is honestly stupid. it is incom incompetent and dum. the saddest thing, for the trump team, the headlines could be about america's role in helping finally drive i.s.i.s. out of mosul or about the syrian cease fire. once again, we're remind that in a world filled with trump enemies the worst enemy is themselves. we'll be right back. ( applause )
i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight appears in the hbo series silicon valley and he co-wrote and stars in the new movie "the big sick." >> hi. >> hi. >> my name is kumail. >> yeah, we know. >> we saw you perform. >> now that the niceties are out of the way, i have to tell you that when you yelled at me, it really threw me off and you really shouldn't haggle comedians. it's so rude. >> i didn't heckle you. i just woo-hoo'd you. that's supportive. >> that's a common misconception. yelling anything at a comedian is considered heckling. heckling doesn't have to be negative. >> so if i yelled out, you're amazing in bed! that would be a heckle? >> yeah, it would be an accurate hheckle. ( laughter ) >> trevor: please welcome kumail nanjiani! ( cheers and applause )
♪ >> look at these people! ( cheers and applause ) wow! >> trevor: welcome to the show, my good sir. >> thank you for having me. it's my first time on the "the daily show." >> trevor: congratulations. cheers to that. cheers to that. oh, it's not water. no, it is, it's water. you're fine. >> it's really room temperature water. >> trevor: i never know if people wanted cold or warm water. i go safe, room temperature water. >> you're trying to convince us you're making these decisions. >> trevor: i do. that's the one thing i do at the show. i go, water, decide. let's talk about you, your movie, what you're doing. i remember watching you in l.a. you were one of the funniest human beings. over time i saw you in your roles on tv and movies. what's been exciting is you don't play the role many people would want your accent to play. has that been a big deal for
you? >> yeah. what do you mean my accent? yeah. ( laughter ) oh, you get the cold water, huh? yeah, you know, it's very easy, like, in the beginning when i was first auditioning, it's changed some, but i've got, you know, i used to audition for cab drivers and 7-eleven employees and that kind of stuff. i don't know why you're laughing. it was a nightmare. and i had auditions but, you know, they would be, like -- they would be, like, could you do your accent but, like, could you mike it -- they'd use code words -- could you make ut funnier? which i know they wand me to do this apu indian accent which is what a white guy does. i decided i would never play up my accent anymore. ( applause ) so there was just one person -- it's fine. thank you. i look over there and it's
hanker's area clapping. ( laughter ) he's, like, i'm so sorry, i didn't mean anything. >> trevor: oh, that's funny. >> but even when i did small parts, i would try to find something specific that wasn't about my ethnicity or the way i looked or sounded, something about each part that was different and unique and comedic in a specific way, you know. >> trevor: you've done that really well. a lot of people talked about how authentic the movie is, how interesting it, is it is a romantic comedy but it feels like the retelling of a real story. that's because it is. >> it's sort of the real story of the first relationship that my now wife and i had, emily is her name. isn't this the nicest audience? i just mentioned my wife's name and they're, like, oh, he remembered his wife's name, oh! what a great husband!
and what happened was, you know, i'm from -- my parents wanted me to sort of marry a muslim pack pakistani woman -- >> trevor: right. i bet that same person is applausing right now. >> that's right. they're all over the place. ( laughter ) and i sort of fell in love with emily, and this is going to sound very intense, after we were dating a few months, she got really sick, my wife did, she wassent my wife at the time, and she was put into a coma for eight days and i hung out with her parents, whom i didn't know, so the movie is about that. but it is a comedy, i promise you, but it is sort of about that period with me hanging out with the parents and us getting to know each other while the person we all love is struggling. >> trevor: i like that you talk about that story from that
perspective because you wrote the movie with your wife as well. >> yeah. >> trevor: when you're writing a movie with someone you're with, isn't awkward -- are there points where you go, it would be funny if you said this or she's so stupid or do you ever have to navigate that? >> yeah, she made me, you know, whenever i would get rewrites, because she didn't play herself, there would be fewer makeout scenes in the script. it's a joke. ( laughter ) but it's interesting, we remembered things differently because we both went through it but we remembered events differently. >> trevor: oh, wow. >> we kiss agreed how it happened so we were able to put that conflict in the scenes. we would be, like, we had a great day. she said, are you kidding me? that day sucked. so we wrote the scene where i was having great time, she was having a bad time. so it was interesting to collaborate in that way.
>> trevor: when you look at the story, it's a love story on the surface, but i don't know if it's because of the political climate right now -- >> what do you mean? ( laughter ) >> trevor: you're really out of touch, kumail. >> i have been offline about a year. what's happened? ( laughter ) >> trevor: do you remember the show "the apprentice"? ( laughter ) >> i've noticed people are being weird to me when i'm walking around. why? has the image of muslims gone down in the world? something happen? i don't know. ( laughter ) >> trevor: because to have the political climate right now, you have to admit the story has taken on a slightly different meaning. seems like there's a moral behind it. did you intend this? was this meant to be a story about how love overcomes the obstacles of race and ethnicity and ideas or is it a story that just appealed to people? >> yeah, it's a story, it's a love story about two different families from different parts of the world coming together.
when we shout, it did not feel like a political statement to us, but because it's coming out now, people are seeing it as sort of this grand political statement, and the only, like, stance it takes is that muslims are human beings. >> trevor: oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! whoa! >> don't edit that out! >> trevor: whoa, whoa, whoa. >> please. t i want to tell everyone right now, muslims are people, too, okay? >> trevor: whoa! ( cheers and applause ) we're going to have to edit that out. >> no, no, no. >> trevor: i'm going to have to ask you to leave the show! kumail nanjiani, "the big sick," can be seen in theaters now. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
spend 108 years as, "a lovable loser." be on the wrong side of the biggest upset in your sport. you really wanna know the secret to victory? (announcer) heartbreak for matt ryan who is in utter disbelief. defeat. yeah! alright, again. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor had to step out but i'm honored to take his seat while he's gone. now, i may not be the official host, but i can take over for him as long as needed. that's our show. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> aren't you at the least bit reluctant if not embarrassed that you now talk about russia more than you talk about america? doesn't this bother you? >> this matters. you have donald, jr. who went from saying i never met with anybody from