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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  July 10, 2017 11:31pm-12:01am PDT

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be on the wrong side of the biggest upset in your sport. you really wanna know the secret to victory? (announcer) heartbreak for matt ryan who is in utter disbelief. defeat. yeah! alright, again. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor had to step out but i'm honored to take his seat while he's gone. now, i may not be the official host, but i can take over for him as long as needed. that's our show. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> aren't you at the least bit reluctant if not embarrassed that you now talk about russia more than you talk about america? doesn't this bother you? >> this matters. you have donald, jr. who went from saying i never met with anybody from
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>> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. we have missed you guys. we have been on break for a couple of weeks. let's get into the show. it's dick joke jeopardy. it's undeniable that facebook has become a part of our everyday lives. while waiting in line at the d.m.v., we can see that our mom's friend from church thinks she saw jesus in her chalupa, and while you're on the toilet you can see that the girl you went to high school with who traded her dad's oxycodone for wine coolers is so proud of her new twins and stewie griffin neck tattoo. now the website that perfected hate-scrolling is getting its own town! ya, that's the right reaction for that. zero reaction. yes, facebook is planning a community called willow campus for its employees in the bay area. it will be scaled willow campus. sounds like a creepy sci-fi movie.
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apartments are sure to go fast now that everyone has moved out of myspaceville. [laughing] >> chris: oh my god. comedians, what are you looking forward to most about living in facebook's new planned community? emily. >> i have heard these legends about human friends. [laughing] >> i want to try it. chris: yes. [laughing] >> chris: it's over rated. so over rated. natasha. >> being able to ignore casual acquaintances unless you give them a thumbs up for a baby or a pet dying. [laughing] >> chris: mr. snookers died. natasha likes this. moshe? >> when my racist uncle writes something on the wall i have to make him paint the wall. >> chris: paint the all over.
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yes. [laughing] >> chris: next up, father, son, and the holy toast. bad news for that huge -- it's not, it's not zach sa aerbgsreligious -- >> that was as divisive as your myspace joke. >> chris: not into religious or myspace. come on guys. [ applause ] >> chris: bad news for that huge demographic of devout catholics who also love gwyneth paltrow's quinoa smoothie circle-jerk lifestyle blog, goop: the vatican has officially outlawed gluten free communion wafers! no! no! this doesn't affect you in anyway. [laughing] jesus has gluten! he has gluten. a pile of jesus gluten there.
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this is puzzling since the catholic church believes that during communion the bread and wine actually transform into the body and blood of christ, so what does it matter what you start with? maybe that girl in the exorcist was just throwing up because she had a gluten allergy? ever think about that? could of done something about that. poor regan suffered. when asked why gluten free wafers were banned, the vatican said "low gluten is allowed, but there must be enough protein in the wheat to make it without additives." so, i guess the vatican doesn't know what gluten is either. this will surely alienate even more millennials from going to church. comedians, what things can the catholic church do to be more appealing to millennials? moshe kasher. >> be a different regular i go i don'religion.[cheers and applau] >> chris: points. emily. >> i notice jesus has killer abs. i want them to, you know, maybe do a crossfit session. >> chris: hey. points.
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natashia. >> stop [beep] kids. chri: okay. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: one for the suggestion box. [laughing] >> chris: next, hay girl hay. it's that time of year when the weather is perfect for going outdoors and making your own fun! like this viral video of a guy trying to jump over a bale of hay. does he make it over or immediately regret doing this? emily? >> he is going to regret doing this. he will have to be checked for ticks later. >> chris: let's take a look. >> that's what he's worried about. a little winded. he really bailed on that one. >> chris: oh, no. [ applause ]
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glad they had that medical professional there to say "oh, he's winded!" yeah, i'm sure that's all that happened after your friend's spinal column became a fidget spinner. that's all, after that. [ applause ] >> chris: next, super i'd smash super smash bros is the hit fighting game series where nintendo's all-stars go at it. well, they really go at it in a new t-shirt line from oso apparel, where the game's characters are "bear-sonated". here's bear mario: >> huh. chris: it's me. "it's-a me, your grindr hookup! [laughing] >> chris: i use to be a mushroom, i get bigger. >> i don't think he needs suspenders. i see something holding it up. >> chris: it's all holding it up. then there is donkey kong packing a donkey donk. jesus. he'll throw a barrel, then throw you over a barrel. the shirts were designed by
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artist leonardo gutierrez, who apparently ran out of (/ bleep/) to masturbate to. comedians, what's one of the features in super smash bears? emily. >> if you blow on the nintendo cartridge it [beep] in your face. >> chris: points. natashia. >> kirby sucks and swallows. chris: yes. [ applause ] >> chris: kirby fans in the audience. let's check the scoreboards. her "endless honeymoon tour" kicks off at one eyed jacks in new orleans july 19th, it's natasha leggero. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and joined in the bonds of holy matrimony on their tour over the us moshe catcher at moshekasher.com. >> you can go to my website.
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chris: with 400 points it's emily fleming. [cheers and applause] >> chris: guess what, it doesn't happen for a couple of weeks but now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. did you know that the idea of breakfast being "the most important meal of the day" was invented in the early 1900s by people trying to sell cereal? i know! before that, the saying was just: "breakfast: eat it. o r don't. whatever. it's the 18th century, you're probably gonna die tomorrow." cereal managed to shove its way into the modern diet thanks to the work of dr. john harvey kellogg. a very religious man who believed that eating meat for breakfast stimulated people into committing carnal sins, and that, "eating cereal would keep americans from masturbating and desiring sex." what? what? it's not working.
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you know what -- think about your cereal you're dumping cream into a bunch of tiny holes. that's why it's not working. [laughing] >> chris: yes in there. [ applause ] >> chris: we're going to get to know our morning meals better with tonight's hashtag #breakfasthistory examples: "pharoah, omelette my people go" and "the french toast revolution." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now! emily. >> the oklahoma freeways city bombing. >> chris: points. natasha. the crepes depression. >> chris: points. moshe. >> scattered, smothered, covered and four scored today. >> the viet num num war. chris: moshe. >> the bagel of pigs.
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chris: points. natasha. >> -- china. chris: yes, emily. >> fritata at last. chris: that stash aeurpblgs the bowling green eggs and ham massacre. >> chris: points. very good. moshe. >> blintz creed. chris: moshe again. >> the salem sandwich trials. chris: natasha. moons landing over my hammy i. >> chris: ex rent reference. emily. >> the right to bear claws. chris: points. natasha. >> rice crispy treaty of versile. >> chris: very good. >> chris: send us your #breakfasthistory and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @goofyfan chuck. well done!
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these fruit of the loom breathable underwear are perfect. they need a name just as perfect. cool's gold. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. house of meshresentatives.
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shiver me trousers. pantarctica. fruit of the luge. thank you marvin. breathable underwear? mr. meshy goes to windyngton. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. we'll call it breezy fo'... uhh... no. we're going to call it breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom. doto be our next spokesperson?m he's so boring. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume? yes, it's laminated. no thanks. you're hired! try the new caramel m&m's. ow. ( ♪ ) ( ♪ ) ( ♪ ) it's so... quiet. is it, too quiet? it's awful. yeah. feel at home, pretty much wherever you are.
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introducing gig-speed internet from xfinity. finally, gig for your neighborhood too. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play the dating shame. if you're a psychopath, you'll love dating in 2017. step 1, select a human from a dating app who likes pizza, golden retrievers, and has no visible deformities aka fedoras. step 2, make plans to meet, but cancel last minute back and forth to establish who has all the power in the relationship - but don't call it a relationship or everyone will know you're the zodiac killer. step 3, hook up and never speak again. ain't love grand? back in the day, dating was very different. i'll show you some vintage dating advice films, and for 250
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points, you'll answer a question about it. first up, how to ask someone out using an ancient artifact called a landline: >> how do you ask for a date? what about this. >> anne, well how about a date. well, i -- >> oh, really. no thanks, woody. [laughing] >> chris: poor woody. let's help out woody. how should he ask someone out for a date. >> you don't use the phone. you drive up to the corner and yell, how much. that's how it works. >> chris: next up, young lady nervous about a new date. >> i have never been out on a dinner date before. i'm scared to death. >> why? >> check rooms, waitressed, ordering, it's so complicated. i know i will do everything wrong. >> chris: i mean what if he
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makes me keep acting. comedians what is she going to do wrong? moshe. >> i'm sorry she's too interact with a waiter maybe she's not ready to get finger blasted in the '57 chevy. sorry, rule. >> chris: points. natasha. she will use the n word nine times during dinner. >> chris: wow. >> listen to the accent. chris: the accent for sure. >> so white. chris: yes, emily. >> she's afraid she's going to get spinach stuck in her tits. >> that's what happens when you [beep] the jolly green giant. >> that's what it is. >> ho ho ho. >> i'm finished. [ applause ] >> chris: here's a 1950s dating advice video perfect for men's rights for any mens rights
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activists out this. >> first of all, be late. that will show her you're a busy important person, not too interested in her. play hard to get. after all you're worth waiting for. >> chris: kphaodians, what are other dating tips tore men? emily. >> put a bow tie on your dick and make her call it mr. richards. >> tell her you're a lieutenantent about to be killed in vietnam. he deserves it. >> chris: i think it's per nnounced viet nam nam nam. >> here is a lady with her daughter. >> a way to a man's heart, judy. >> that's corny. everyone likes good food. >> i know, dear. i'm thinking about something else too. a conspiracy. >> conspiracy. >> a nice conspiracy for a nice
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young man. >> chris: i hope that food isn't the only thing he eats. [ applause ] >> what's a nice conspiracy to attract a nice young man. >> anchor babies. [ applause ] >> chris: natasha. >> have 9-11 be your bush. [ applause ] >> chris: modern day, the sweeping and swiping not to mention the influx of [beep]. it's like these are more helpful then ever. i need to you make a modern dating advice video in the style of these vintage film strips. we will be back with more after the break with more add midnight.
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you some vintage videos dispensing romance advice and asked you to update them. let's see what you came up with. emily, let's start with yours. >> always make the man wait for it. and by "it" i mean butt stuff. by wait i mean five whole minutes. oh, that sound means someone is at the back door. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that stash a let's see yours. >> tinder can be a confusing place filled with codes and secret messages. if someone is "free spirit" that
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means they're unemployed. if someone says they're a "dj" they're unemployed. if someone says they work hard and play hard they're unemployed and will die getting ran over by an art car at burning man. [ applause ] >> chris: moshe, let's see yours. >> hey, kids, listen i'm a married man. this doesn't apply for me. i pay for my sex now. if you're out in the hot dating scene there is a new idea in town. it's called consent. it's not intuitive. next time you want to make it with a gal, ask her would you like to make it with me too. if she says yes, make it if she says, no. this is the tough part, stop. or ask her 15 more times. if she still says no, then don't do it no, yes, no sex. consent. [ applause ]
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>> chris: i give a thousand points to natasha. 500 to moshe and emily. just to even this out. look at this [beep]. husband and wife, head to head. it's all about this. who is faster on the buzzard. natasha leggero or moshe leggero. >> i'm usually the one that finishes first. >> chris: very kind of you. it's time for -- [ applause ] it's time for celebrity podcast. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i have had a god damn podcast for years. now every celebrity seems to have one.
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@hardwickblocker. they're for celebrities not on tv anymore, paula dean, billow l o'reilly, doug benson. go to stamps.com and use the promo code nerdist. give me the name of a podcast with a celebrity. samuel l. jackson. >> this african-american life. chris: kim ca kardashian. >> all things kimsidered. chris: a four second podcast. gary beausy. >> what the [beep] is a podcast. chris: guy fieri is the next one. >> guess what else is bleached.
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chris: points. finally john travolta. >> -- a guy that's totally straight. straight talk with a guy who is totally straight. [ applause ] >> chris: natashia leggero you're in third place. we have to eliminate you. any last words. >> we're going on our honeymoon tour this summer. if we don't sell out i'm divorcing him. buy tickets, thank you. >> chris: that's what the marriage hinges on. >> please buy tickets. chris: red light. here we go. it's time to have high tea. it's for the win. when the thames valley police confiscated an anonymous pot garden outside of oxford, england, they did what any red-blooded cop would do... they left a polite note! "ooops! sorry we missed each other, but feel free to call me on 101 so we can discuss a deal.
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lots of love, tvp xx." and that was from the "bad cop." then they tweeted about the note with the hashtag "#wevegotmanners:" that might sound a little soft on crime, but it is the title of number one cop show in britain. comedians, i want you to give me another polite note cops might leave at a crime scene. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] [music plays throughout] [music fades out]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. it comes down to this. you decide the winner. i will read the answer allowed. before the break, i showed you a note left by british police after finding someone's drug farm and asked you to give me another polite note cops might leave at a crime scene. let's see what you came up with: the first one: we killed your dog just in case. he was a bad boy, bad boy. [ applause ] >> chris: number two ... stand by for a noise complaint, jerked off in your wife's panty drawer. i guess that's why they call me a beat come. who is number two? moshe kasher. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be howie mandel, mamrie hart, and david koechner. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #breakfasthistory and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweet

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