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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  July 26, 2017 11:31pm-12:01am PDT

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>> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, when the rising sea will sweep us all away to my island bunker. a big story is making the rounds that last week, rick perry, the first energy secretary to put the word science in finger quotes, had a 22 minute phone call with the ukrainian prime minister to discuss energy policy. thing is, secretary perry wasn't talking to the prime minister at all. he was being prank called by vladimir krasnov and alexei stolyarov, better known as "the jerky boys of russia." look, i don't know about you, but i might've gotten a little suspicious when the ukranian
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prime minister started the conversation with "listen up sizzle chest." anyway, the karl marx brothers here kept rick "the refrigerator's running" perry on the phone for almost a half hour trying to convince him that pig (bleep) would make a great sustainable energy source. it sounds crazy to you and me, but you have to remember that for almost a year rick perry ran a presidential campaign entirely on horse (bleep). so comedians, since it seems rick perry is pretty easy to fool, give me another prank call you might place to rick perry. >> hi, this is the suicide hot line. would you be interested in killing yourself? >> hey, do you have 16-pound balls? just kidding. we know you have no balls.
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>> hey, rick, remember that rather you owned that was named after the "n" word. i do. this isn't a prank. you're just a [bleep] man. >> chris: you're wearing the shirt for "@midnight." >> i've had this for years. >> chris: just waiting for the right time to break it out. >> chris: since the icebergs are melting, sea levels are rising, and polar bears are busy plotting revenge against the human race we're dedicating the first act of tonight's show to everything climate change. next up, welcome to waterworld, bienvenidos a waterworld. miami is known for its beaches, babes, and dangerous pitbull infestation, but it looks like the magic city could soon disappear! in the new movie "an inconvenient sequel," in theaters august 4, we learn that
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due to rising sea levels, miami will be underwater as early as 2100, at which point it will all be president putin's problem. >> we can't do anything. it's getting worse and worse. >> it's hard to pump the ocean. >> chris: at the current emissions pace, miami could see an increase of 14 feet of water, as well an increase in dolphins snorting cocaine through their blowholes. "i'm writing a screenplay for flipper 2 eeeeeee!!!" that was a coked up dolphin. i think comedy central made the right decision. so comedians, what are some things you'll see in miami's water-logged dystopian future? >> star-faced aqua man. aka, aqua man-cana.
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say hello to my little trident. >> real dolphins playing football. >> a raft made from dexter's body bag. >> chris: excellent reference. next, alt energy when we wished we'd developed alternate energy to gas and wood some are getting off the pot and [bleep]ing like the rest of us and dealing with our looming energy crisis. and some energies call fuel cells which sounds like something han solo would call a destroyed. -- droid. and title power which harnesses the energy of people not use streaming music service.
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what are other trending alternative sources we have yet to tap. >> the anger of twitter every time ed sheeran pops up on game of thrones. >> chris: and we have baron bon. with 400 points alice. >> and cohost steve agee. thank you. it's great to be here one last time. now it's time for tonight's hash tag wars.
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>> we all like to think our carbon footprint is tiny but in reality we're just a bunch of skin bags full of methane farts that never remember the bags to the grocery store and some are giving us straight to prevent extreme weather like flooding and actual sharknado. >> chris: next, red hot silly preppers. since we're gabbin' about the eventual end of society as we know it, we thought we should
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. break into an electric car. >> guardians of the glaciers volume 2. >> straight up come -- compost. >> my farm to table dinner with andre. >> from elon musk to dawn. >> princess mononoxide. >> steve, an inconvenient truth about cats and dogs. >> kill electric bill. >> chris: yes. we'll be back with more "@midnight" but just for a
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"@midnight" but just for a little longer.
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♪ (low backgro♪ music) ♪ (music intensifies)
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♪ a refreshing combination of vitamins and electrolytes. vitaminwater. drink outside the lines. what should i watch? show me sports. it's so fluffy! look at that fluffy unicorn!
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he's so fluffy i'm gonna die! your voice is awesome. the x1 voice remote. xfinity. the future of awesome. highlight preppers, those >> chris: it seemed like every movie had a specially produced hip-hop movie but for every warren g others leave you thinking why did you do this. first up rap pioneers the fat boys did a track for night on elm street 4 with a verse from
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freddie krueger himself. [♪] ♪ stay ready because you know who's back ♪ ♪ freddy, my name is freddy and i'm here to say -- paranoid go-getters preparing >> it's hard to hunt down with the cats in the way. >> i'm centipede and i'm here to say -- [yelling] >> chris: that's good. you're lucky if you are able to say that you didn't get stoned. >> there's no one in front of you. >> my name is the creature from
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the black lagoon and i'm here to say my name's too long for this rhyme scene. >> chris: this will bring back delightful memories. i'm sure you remember mutant ninja turtles. there's one classic song ninja rap. ♪ it's the green machine ♪ go ninjas, go ninjas go >> chris: you can see the extra to read all about the splinter says ninja rap is born.
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there it is. we didn't get to see the article so what's the line from the article? >> slowest day in news history. >> alice. >> they sell one copy. >> the deep blue sea was an awesome movie. >> it holds up. it also co-starred l.l. cool j. or la cool j. who contributed this music video of him dancing in a pool. [♪]
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>> chris: now we have a cool shark over here. what is a good name for this aquatic rapper? >> 50 scent. >> goddamn it it's a -- >> chris: it took me 22 shows -- time for the live challenge non-dairy cream dream. drinking coffee helps living longer and makes traffic farts risky and there's an interesting coffee brand that causes you to
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fill your khakis with embarrassment and recalled for containing viagra like ingredients. now banging your co-workers just got a whole lot harder, you guys. instant coffee has been taken off the shelves by now but it's only a matter of time before it's back. i'd like you to come up with a commercial and pose as the spokesperson per boner coffee. two emmys, you guys, two emmys. ♪ ♪ [bees swarming] canelo be bold! ♪ come on canelo! be bold!
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♪ be bolder sly. tecate light born bold. there's nothing more important so when i need to book a hotel, i want someone who makes it easy. booking.com gets it. and with their price match, i know i'm getting the best price every time. visit booking.com. booking.yeah! these fruit of the loom breaare perfect.wear they need a name just as perfect. cool's gold. the pant snorkel.
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brrriefs. house of meshresentatives. shiver me trousers. pantarctica. fruit of the luge. thank you marvin. breathable underwear? mr. meshy goes to windyngton. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. we'll call it breezy fo'... uhh... no. we're going to call it breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom. ( ♪ ) ( ♪ )
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>> chris: welcome back to
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@midnight. before the break i asked our comedians to come up with an advertisement for an instant coffee that was recently recalled for giving people erections. let's see what you came up with: alice we'll start with you. i already love it. >> mmm. the best part of waking up is folgers in my butt. i'm a princess. >> chris: right. >> it's late but i'm still up -- wanna [bleep]? >> chris: very nice. >> that's very sexy.
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>> i'm very excited for what's about to happen. >> hi, i'm jerry boner. my two favorite things are coffee and raging hard [bleep]s. now i found a way to combine the two, bury boners chock-full of coffee. shut up. soon you too will be saying don't talk to me until i've had my [bleep]. >> chris: you definitely put the rage in boners. i'm giving alice 5,000 points and steve 4,000 points and baron 3500 points.
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i'm not eliminating anyone anymore. it doesn't matter, you guys. it's for the win. we've had so many comedians, actors, musicians, a couple instagram kids. >> one of my all-time favorite guests turns regular skin into liver spots and makes socialists rock hard, please welcome bernie sanders!
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[chanting "bernie" ] >> there's a bit of everything going on right now. where's the microphone? they woke me up for this. >> chris: senator sanders how are you doing? >> i'm good but a little irregular which i hear is the new regular. enough chitchat, christopher. i have news and people need the facts. millennials, they eat them at every meal and buy them instead of houses. they've been known to watch live streams of of avocados turning brown.
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so many young people watched that video it's now running for president. avocado would've won! but what people don't realize, christopher, is that millennials didn't invent avocado toast! the "san francisco chronicle" published an avocado toast recipe from 1927, the year i graduated from law school. 90 years ago this december. it shows millennials are just taking things from generation came before them came before them, like fedoras and crushing national debt. by the way, that includes other trends, like ghosting. in fact i ghosted jesus. and then he holy ghosted me. it's a long story i don't want to get into it, christopher. i rode a bicycle back when it was known as a bicycle. i was using emoji back when they
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were called hieroglyphics. >> chris: apparently bernie sanders has drowned the front row in saliva -- the first two rows may get wet. all right, the were the true avocado aficionados, give us another write-up of something that old-timey hipsters also loved. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. un. de♪ trois.
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three apple varieties for a perfectly balanced flavor. ♪ cidre. from stella artois. vanity fair proclaims, "witness the birth of and a new and original hero." ♪ reach out and touch faith she's brilliant... fearless... and completely unpredictable. i chose this life. and some day it's going to get me killed. but not today. ♪ reach out, reach out and touch faith ♪ atomic blonde. rated r. (blowing whistle) ( ♪ ) ♪ i'm not playing with you ♪ ♪ i could bend a little bit, a little bit ♪ ♪ i could play a little bit, a bit for you ♪ ♪ i could see a little bit, a little bit ♪ ♪ i can see a little bit, a bit of you ♪ ♪ i've got a hold on you ♪ ♪ you got a hold... alex. that's ny name. alex? it's mine too.
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♪ i got a new swimsuit with glitter and fringes ♪ ♪ and i got a case of the too many benjamins ♪ un-lim-ited... ♪ i got a new swimsuit with glitter and fringes ♪ ah! ahhh! ah! looks like you got hooked by verizon. they've been putting these everywhere. hey, aren't you the guy that use- used to ask if you could you hear me now? yeah. but i switched to sprint. because nowadays every network is great, but sprint doesn't cost you twice as much. wow! yeah i didn't even know... sweet freedom! works for me. don't get hooked by verizon and let a 1% difference in
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network reliability cost you twice as much. switch to sprint unlimited for for people with hearing loss, $22.50 per line for four lines. visit sprintrelay.com. $22.50 per line for four lines. visit sprintrelay.com. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this. >> i'm wiping them. the magic is going on. >> chris: senator sanders will read your answers aloud and you, the audience, will decide the winner. the people get to decide. before the break, bernie sanders and i told you that 1920s hipsters were the original inventors of avocado toast and i
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asked you to give me an old-timey write-up from "millennials" of the past. let's see what you wrote. senator sanders, go ahead. >> number one, the fire festival was lit. we literally just discovered fire. >> 23 skiddoo i love it. it's the beesknees. >> chris: number three. >> which woman during child birth are you? >> chris: it's definitely number three? who's number three?
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steve agee. congratulations. >> chris: you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be mac demarco, amanda seales and brett gelman. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #makeamoviegreen and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. and remember to go see "an inconvenient sequel," in theaters august 4! i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. goodnight! ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

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