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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  July 31, 2017 11:31pm-12:01am PDT

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escorted off the property? >> we are told by our producers here, our team here that he was escorted off the property. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight-- oh, we're just gonna keep rubbing that in? real mature. it's only 11:30. "game of thrones" is almost halfway through its seventh season, and it's making monday mornings at the office very stressful. personally, i'm two seasons behind. people usually say "oh my god." cope in mind i have other jobs in my life.
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but i still i have to do this elaborate spoiler parkour to avoid hearing any of the twists. in fact, one of our writers, jon gutierrez, started talking about what happened to lady tyrell in this week's episode so i mounted his head on a pike in the breakroom. do not (/ bleep/ ) with me for i am the never-ceasing night king here to decimate any and all who would dare spoil my beloved dragon soap opera! those who wish to avoid plot info now have more to worry about than chatty cathys in their offices, because hbo has been hacked. what! now, we're not exactly sure what information was stolen, but we think this might be an outline for next week's thrones. jon snow looks worried, cersei pulls some (/ bleep/ ), also, boobs with a chance of dong. yep, that tracks. comedians, this not only affects dem thrones, but all of hbo's programming. what's some information we might find in this massive hack? yassir lester. >> they will bring back "true
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blood" with an all black cast and everyone has sickel-cell. >> chris: stop it. chris. >> cookie monster and wig bird reshot the butt eating scene from girl. >> chris: booty ya ya ya ya! the crumbles out of the mouth. >> chris: brian. >> new animated show "the wire babies." >> chris: much emummet with kao. >> chris: next, lawn tarts. in the age of the ice bucket challenge, there's no better tool for raising awareness than a viral video. well, the senior ladies of chadstone bowls club, a lawn bowling team in melbourne, australia, are in danger of
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losing their venue of 60 years. what did they do on video to help rally support? a. covered a beyonce song b. bowled an actual turkey c. put 'em on the grass chris. >> okay. it's not in america, they did the -- did b. >> chris: b? >> ya, it's like. it's weird at [beep]. [laughing] >> other places are weird [beep]. >> so weird, dude. chris: it's actually a. enjoy this. ♪ [laughing] >> chris: i'm sorry. [cheers and applause] >> how is that not bowling a turkey? [cheers and applause] >> chris: a hundred points for that. >> chris: next up approaching
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mugol age. harry potter's 37th birth bay today. break out the butterbeer or the i can't believe it's not butterbeer. this is how harry looks now. the sadly guy wandering trader joes. 37-year-old drop out who married his childhood sweetheart and is trying to raise a family on the combined pay of a government employee and a newspaper reporter. voldemort couldn't kick his ass, but time sure did! [cheers and applause] >> chris: ya. so with harry potter pushing middle age, comedians, what's a spell a 37-year-old wizard would use? yassir. >> a an invisibility cloak to hp him avoid pay can child support.
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>> what's up. >> viagra kadabra. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i mean -- that's kind of cute. the spell would be patrificpotalic. >> hold my wand i had too much patronis. >> chris: very funny, very good. >> chris: next, only in philly. [cheers and applause] >> chris: you from philly? >> they love the world "only." [laughing] >> chris: my favorite mod modifr y'all. [cheers and applause] >> nice. chris: there are a few
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experience that's capture the features of unique philadelphia like "watching someone yank one off behind the wawa" or "throwing batteries at santa claus." go out on top, they said. and i said, (/ bleep/ ) you! thankfully, instagrammer brysondavis14 posted a video that really embodied the essence of the city captioned "only in philly." comedians, what is this video? a) a man using a fire hydrant as a bidet b) a woman headbutting the rocky statue c) a man dressed as ben franklin calling some third-graders "cucks" chris? >> oh, man. chris: it could be any of those -fl. >> i was going to say b. when c came along i was like i hope it's c. let's say c. [laughing] >> chris: thankfully it's not the right answer. the right answer is fun to watch. take a look at this. >> ya. >> wow. >> that would be awesome if it was so forceful it started to blast out -- >> chris: yes.
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[ applause ] >> chris: when we -- when we saw this in the writers meeting we theorized he started out super skinny and brought water to take back to his home. there it is. >> like a human water weenie. >> philly super soak. chris: let's check the scoreboards with three hundred points. let's check the scoreboards. co-host of "my brother's sneaker" podcast on feral audio, it's yassir lester. performing at jukebox comedy club in peoria, il august 3rd through 5th, it's brian posehn. his new hour special "man on fire" is streaming now on netflix, it's chris d'elia. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: and now let's get into it, one of the last hashtagwars ever. if you like classic rock and not just as a friend, you're probably still peeling sunburn bubbles off your back from last weekend's classic rock festival in new york. gray-haired ears were pelted with the familiar sounds of the eagles, steely dan, the doobie brothers, fleetwood mac, journey, and earth, wind & fire >> [beep] all really good bands. it's good if you got a chanceo see them live because lot of those people are going to be dead. >> they're all gonna be dead. chris: at some point. that's why tonight's hashtag is #elderlybands. examples: "tom petty and the hipbreakers" and "florence and the dialysis machine." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now! chris. >> blink i'm 82. [ applause ]
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>> chris: points. yassir. >> the cower for male pattern baldness. >> chris: brian. >> falling of the down. chris: yes, points. chris. >> deaf leonard. [laughing] >> chris: photograph! photograph, what! yassir. >> aarp diddy. chris: points. good. chris. >> it's so cold play in here. chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> guns and roses. chris: yes. >> anthrax. chris: yes, points. chris. >> the -- who? chris: perfect. >> chris: send us your
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#elderlybands and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. [cheers and applause] our tweet-of-the-day from our last hashtag war was sent to us by @bluegold1026. well done! you're one of the last ones. refreshing beer. plus the crisp taste of apples. a great combination. like spanglish.... where it'd be something like "manza-beer". but redd's sounds much better... cheers. redd's apple ale. together we beer. there's nothing more important so when i need to book a hotel, i want someone who makes it easy. booking.com gets it. and with their price match,
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let's fix that. let's give this guy gig- really? and these kids. and these guys. him. ah. oh hello- that lady. these houses! yes, yes and yes. and don't forget about them. uh huh. sure. still yes! you can get it too. welcome to the party. introducing gig-speed internet from xfinity. finally, gig for your neighborhood too. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "had me like." [cheers and applause] it's tough to communicate feelings online, which is why the "had me like" meme is so useful. for example, @midnight ending had me like: so comedians, i'm going to show you an image from a "had me like" post, and for 250 points, i want you to tell me what it had you like. first up, a sweaty good man. s this hand man.
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>> getting platinum status on porn hub had me like. >> chris: chris. >> hitting on my hand so it falls a sleep so when i touch my balls it feels like should not else had me like. >> chris: yes, points. [ applause ] >> ya. >> i like to get my balls numb too. so it's like someone else's balls. i'm not even involved. it's some other dude and someone's balls. i don't know what's going on. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up, a flirty feline. [laughing] >> that cat looks like it's sinking. >> what's up mother [beep]
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: yassir. >> garfield coming over to eat my lasagna, had me like. >> heathcliff's birthday had me like -- >> chris: points. >> chris: next is a man of the cloth who likes to watch. >> oh, wow! wow! holy cow! >> chris: brian. >> watching old episodes of the flying nun in the library had me like. >> chris: points. yassir. >> watching the movie "spotlight for th"spotlight" for the firste had me like. >> chris: chris. >> finding out they're finally making "sister act 3" had me
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like. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, moving on to wetter grounds. >> i got this one. chris: chris. >> heathcliff's birthday had me like. [laughing] >> chipolte and whiskey had me like -- >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: finally a winded lad. a winded lad. >> being in the eye of an a dele queef. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for our live challenge world war ii fast ii furious. the newly relocated los angeles chargers have been rolling out their marketing campaign and a
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lot of residents are baffled because they seem to be implying that we're all about to get into a fight. welcome to the fight. fight for la. fight for orange county. fight for costa mesa, no one has done that. these photos were tweeted out by espn writer arash markazi who says "the chargers apparently want to fight everyone for everything." team owners say the campaign means that they'll have to fight to compete with all the other stuff in this town that takes people's attention. like focusing on themselves. because it's los angeles. how are angelinos supposed to care about a football team when they're too busy getting a selfie with their smoothie barista on a reality show about skateboarders getting blown in a weed dispensary? we don't have time for a new sports team. but still, it sounds a bit melodramatic to welcome us to the fight for l.a. so comedians, over the break i'd like you give me your best - heading-into-battle speech to rally the troops of los angeles. we'll get your answers after the -- we can't get this [beep] city to come together on anything -- break and be right back with
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[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you that the l.a. chargers have been putting up banners for their new marketing campaign that say "welcome to the fight" and "fight for l.a." and i asked you to give me a speech to rally the troops of los angeles into battle. let's see what you came up with. yassir, let's start with you. >> troops, men, women, those who don't conform to the gender binary. we know the odds. statistically only one of ten thousand of us will make it in entertainment. what does it even matter when every person looks like zach braff anyways there are real zach braff's and others that
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star on the show and prison based right. the other 999 of us should fight to protect the one person with actual pro tential. go, la, all celtic fans are ugly. >> chris: there you go. [ applause ] >> chris: brian. >> los angeles, you have a big fight ahead of you. you're [beep]. i live in the valley, maybe you shouldn't of talked so much [beep] about the valley. we have gastropubs too. see you later, suck it. [cheers and applause] >> chris: chris. >> they may take ourselfies. but they will never take our service chinchillas! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: a thousand points for chris. 500 to brian and yassir. >> chris: it's time for roast me @midnight. the best part about doing this show is the love and support we get from our fans, so we wanted to acknowledge them the best way we know how: by busting their balls and/or ovaries. we put out a request and -- roastable images. received hundreds of photo from admid. >> knitters sweet punums, and we're gonna exploit their flaws no matter how insignificant or racked with polio they may be. so, comedians, i'm going to show you a photo of an @midnight fan and i want you to roast them. first up, this one was sent to us by @shishirshonek >> he looked like a girl escaping art kelly's sex cult. >> chris: points. >> chris: next one, here's @caitlinherst. chris. >> not the real daphne, but she got caught once sucking some
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guys [beep] in a van named shaggy. crypts. >> chris: points. >> chris: next up, it's @maxypadcodered code red, indeed. >> what's the opposite of pussy magnet? i can say that. >> chris: it's a pussy magnet of like polarity. it's the last week of shows and i stopped eliminated people. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to get your daily carson, it's for the win! back in the 90s and early aughts, mtv was a cultural juggernaut, they launched new artists. they had my -- allowed me to meet my childhood idols, unhappy dinner set.
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[cheers and applause] >> wow. but nothing was more iconic to mtv than trl, the music video countdown show that ran for a decade and was hosted by your brother's friend from ski club, carson daly. he looks like he sells stolen watches behind a pac sun. but good news, nostalgic-americans, trl is coming back! mtv is reviving the brand in an effort to bring back their feature some format changes, a group of new faces, and will now be a mystery about whether kids will request music videos when youtube exists. so millenniums will be like it's like vivo for television. that's dumb. but that means a whole new crop of teenagers will flock to times square with signs and shoutouts- game: image: original trl, so comedians, give me a poster you might see outside the glass at the all new trl. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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♪ a refreshing combination of vitamins and electrolytes. vitaminwater. drink outside the lines. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. get out of here scores. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner.
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my gosh, one of the last times you will do this. alright. alright. we will all haeupg out at your house and do it together. [cheers and applause] before the break i told you that mtv is bringing back total request live, because ideas are hard, and i asked you to make a poster that you might see held up by a fan in times square. let's see what you wrote. first one ... it's me joey patone, will you please give me a job. [cheers and applause] >> chris: number two ... i was here 20 years ago, i still want to bang brittany spears. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: thub three ... thanks for inspiring me to be a teen mom. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] who was number three? yassir lester! [cheers and applause] >> chris: you won the internet. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be dan harmon, brandon johnson and tom kenny. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #elderlybands and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. god damn it! god damn it! goodnight! ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

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