Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  August 30, 2017 11:31pm-12:01am PDT

11:31 pm
chick fill a, that sounds kind of funny. but i ordered two grilled chicken burritos with extra egg and a boat. and can you believe that the manager, one of the managers of chick-fill-a, she sent her husband to pick us up. captioned by media access group at wgbh comedy centralg >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, msnbc host joy reid is going to be joining us. but first, some chilling news
11:32 pm
from east asia. >> there's breaking news this evening from north korea firing a ballistic missile that flew over northern japan. >> millions of people here in japan woke up to a message on their cell phones that said, "missile passing. please take cover." >> trevor: yeah, you know, guys. i have to commend how disciplined japan as a nation is. they keep their phones on and ready for an emergency. not like america, where people just able all the alerts. you know how many of my friends are like, "oh, yeah, i turned off all my amber alerts." i'm like, "what do you mean? that's a safety feature. i'm not going to save a little girl." i'm like, "yeah, but it's your daughter." "i'll make another one. i don't care. it's easier. i don't have a particular set of skills. whatever." so a lot of people are afraid. they are afraid in japan, and the real tragedy in all of this is that when the missile went into the ocean, it actually hit the last dolphin that japan hadn't fished yet. yeah, you see, north korea,
11:33 pm
that's how you hit japan-- jokes, not bombs, baby. that's how we do it. it's not a real dolphin. we're good, guys, don't worry. we're good. we're good. now, i know it seems like north korea launches missiles every five days, but i do think it's an important story that deserves continuing coverage because the fate of the world may literally hang in the balance. but people weren't talking about the nuclear missile that kim jong-un tested, because melania trump apparently did something much worse. yeah, you see, she went to houston wearing high heels. ( laughter ) oh, and she's getting a lot of flak for it, online, predominantly, but it counts. and here's my thing-- i don't know why anyone should care what anyone wears when they're on their way to help people. people were like, "why is she wearing those heels when she's going to help people?" like, who cares? look at the pope. you see how he dresses. look at that. all white with giant bling. he looks like he's going to a p diddy party. ( laughter ) but we don't say, "hey, he can't go out helping people dressed like that."
11:34 pm
and i know some people are like, "trevor, it's not about that. it's about sensitivity. you don't wear things like that to a disaster zone." and i understand that, but in melania's defense, she lives in a permanent disaster zone, and that's what she always wears. ( cheers and applause ) that's what she always wears. cut her some slack. let's move on to our main story. for our main story, we turn now to america's capital, moscow. ( laughter ) as you know by now, the trump campaign's possible ties to russia are currently under investigation, both by congress and separately by robert mueller, the special counsel and handsome bird impersonator. ( laughter ) now, just to refresh everyone, the big question in all of this is, "what was the connection between donald trump and the russian government?" and all along, the donald has always answered that question like this: >> i know nothing about russia. i know about russia, but i know nothing about the inner workings of russia. i don't deal there. i have no businesses there. i have no loans from russia. i don't owe money.
11:35 pm
i don't have deals in russia. i don't know putin. i have nothing to do with russia. haven't made a phone call to russia in years. don't speak to people in russia. not that i wouldn't. i just have nobody to speak to. ( laughter ) >> trevor: yeah, "i don't even know what a russia is. i don't even know. on my map there's china, then there's white china. i don't even know about russia." so from the beginning, trump insisted he had absolutely no connections with russia whatsoever. and then this morning this came out. >> some four months after he began to run for president, denying he had any ties to russia, donald trump secretly signed a letter of intent to build a trump tower sky scraper in moscow. the revelations come from emails turned over to congress monday by donald trump's lawyer, michael cohen, spelling out trump's involvement in trying to get a major real estate deal in russia, what was going to be the tallest building in the world, at the same time he was running for president. >> trevor: how can one person lie so big!
11:36 pm
how? you have no connections with russia, but you signed a deal to build the world's tallest building there? like, the gap between the lie and the truth could not be wider. it could not be wider. it's like if your friend says that they'd never heard of mumford and sons, and then one day you see the album cover and you're like, "wait a minute, you're mumford. ( laughter ) you're mumford!" because once again, we suspected this, right? we suspected this before. and now, it's confirmed. yes. during the campaign, donald trump totally had connections to russia. now, the remaining question is were those connections strictly business, or were they getting out on the votey-votey action? that's not clear yet. what is clear is that the people who trump signed this russia deal with aren't exactly helping his case. >> the middle man for the trump
11:37 pm
tower deal was a convicted felon and one-time f.b.i. informant felix sater, who was also involved in other trump deals. >> trevor: surprise, surprise. ( laughter ) trump dealing with yet another shady character. trump tower is the only place where checking "yes" on criminal conviction gets you the job. that's what that feels like. in case you were wondering, in case you were wondering, yes, the sater guy is also russian. >> russian born, brooklyn raised. he got in trouble in the 90s. he got in a bar fight and served jail time. >> he took the stem of a margarita glass and stabbed the man in the neck and face. the man had 110 stitches. >> trevor: sweet jesus. he needed 110 stitches? not even mr. met has 110 stitches in his head and that (bleep) is a baseball. ( laughter ) oh, and by the way, just a quick note: of all the glasses to stab someone with, i would say a margarita glass is the worst. you literally are putting salt in the wounds. why would do you that? ( laughter )
11:38 pm
it's unnecessary. like, this guy's face-- everything about him, he's crazy. he didn't just assault people. apparently, felix sater also committed nonstabbing crimes, including $40 million of stock fraud, which none of this should be a surprise, right, because i have a simple rule in life: you never trust someone with a cat name. if a human goes by "felix" or "whiskers" or "mittens," you should probably just stay away, which is what trump said he did. in fact, like russia, he apparently doesn't even know the sater dude exists. >> at the time of the moscow deal, trump executives denied to abc news that sater had any current role with trump. >> to say he's a senior adviser to mr. trump at any point in time would not have been accurate, in my mind, or mr. trump's mind. >> yet, sater was given cards by the trump organization calling him a "senior adviser to donald trump." ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man. come on, guys, come on.
11:39 pm
it's like this is the same lie as the russia one. "i have nothing to do with this guy. oh, actually he's my senior adviser, and i printed it in gold. that's how i did it. i printed it in gold." ( laughter ) you know, like, the big story here, isn't just this shady russian-born criminal was acting as a middle man between trump and the kremlin when trump insisted he had no such connections. the real story here is what the shady guy was saying. >> in emails turned over to congress between sater and trump's lawyer cohen, first reported by "the washington post," sater wrote, "buddy, our boy can become president of the u.s.a., and we can engineer it. i will get all of putin's team to buy in on this." >> trevor: i love how obvious all the trump people were in their collusion emails. like, first, don jr.'s emails were like, "clinton, russia? i love it!" and now you've got felix sater saying to trump's personal lawyer, michael cohen, "let's engineer the election with putin." ( laughter ) like, these people are so heavy
11:40 pm
handed, it's almost like the emails were composed by a porn writer. that's how blatant it is. "hello, i just moved in next door, and i'm so horny for collusion. yeah! yeah!" ( applause ) now, look, we don't know how bad this is. we don't know how it's going to end. what we do know is that now handsome bird has all the reason he needs to add trump's personal lawyer to this investigation. and i don't know about you, but my lawyer knows some ( bleep ) about me. no, i'm just joking. i don't have a lawyer. i don't even know what lawyers are. so this "buddy boy" email may not be the smoking gun for trump, but what it could end up being is the broken tail lights. yeah, the thing that gives law enforcement the excuse they need to look into trump's trunk. and we all know, he's got a lot of junk in that trunk. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back.
11:41 pm
11:42 pm
there are no shortcuts. making the best tequila in the world is all about putting in the time. the way we've been doing it for 145 years. tequila herradura. go ahead and treat yourself to that extra stick of gum. you've earned it. natural light. now, it's natty time. how was your vacation? hey, guys, what's this tomato doing at randy's desk? [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. you know, that actually reminds me, steve. i got you something. aloha! mangoes can get sunburned. put some flavor in your break- with new snapple mango tea- make time for snapple.
11:43 pm
back to school, get your kid a great phone during the sprint deals spectacular. you can get the samsung galaxy s7 edge for just $10/mo. the lg v20 is also just $10/mo. or get the lg g5 for $5/mo. with annual upgrades to any phone. hurry in while supplies last. spectacular deals from sprint on the network built for unlimited. so don't get hooked by verizon and pay twice as much for unlimited. switch to sprint. $22.50 per month per line for 4 lines and get the 5th line free. for people with hearing loss, sprint works for me. visit sprintrelay.com.
11:44 pm
( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." american football season is just around the corner. and once again sm it's coinciding with some disturbing news. >> there is startling new research out tonight about football and head trauma, the largest study of its kind. >> the american medical association studied the brains of 202 deceased football players from all levels who had shown signs of c.t.e. when they were alive. 87% had the disease, and among former n.f.l. players, all but one had the disease. >> trevor: all but one. for analysis we turn to our senior sports analyst, roy wood
11:45 pm
jr., everybody. ( cheers and applause ) roy, i'm flabbergasted by this. how should football fans react to this new study? >> they should ignore it. the study was inconclusive. there's no reason to get all bothered about it. >> trevor: but, roy, all but one n.f.l. brains in the study had c.t.e. >> exactly. one of the brains didn't have it! there's no consensus. ( laughter ) i mean, trevor, what information do we really have on concussions? we've got science and some movie where wilsmith tries to sound african. "tell de truff." you can't believe everything you see will smith do on tv. now you think you can hop in a taxi and go from west philly to bel air? no, you can't do it. ain't no way a black guy is getting a cab across the country. i can't get a cab to brooklyn. life isn't a will smith movie, trevor. >> trevor: roy, it sounds like you don't want to admit that
11:46 pm
football is dangerous. >> i'm just telling you the facts, all right. i'm a neutral observer. i don't even be really watching football for real. >> trevor: oh, really! then, what was this? >> celebrity fantasy football marathon, roy wood jr. is here, ladies and gentlemen, the actor and comedian. ( applause ) >> i know you think i'm going to take this because of the jacket i'm wearing. i have statistics to back up the selection. running back jay ajaia, matt ryan, amari cooper, the third most famous cooper behind anderson and bradley. ( laughter ) you can pull the tapes out on the brother, okay. >> trevor: i mean, when you're saying you didn't like football and i have the footage of you doing a celebrity fantasy draft. >> all right, fine, look, you got me talking. some football, but i didn't enjoy it. >> trevor: oh, really! >> no. >> gl what was this? >> we have a gift for roy. >> oh, carry. >> we want to take care of our
11:47 pm
people. we know you're a big rice krispie, guy. >> no! oh, man! >> do you have any regrets about having participated in this thing? >> no, no, this is fine, man. i'm at the "the daily show" all the time. this is a relief. kick back and relax and eat all this espn cafeteria food. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: a are the lease? you need a release from working here? oh, i'm sorry, roy, is working here not fun for you? ( laughter ). >> this right now is pretty tense. ( laughter ). >> trevor: dude, you threw us under the bus. you make it sound like we're not even feeding you. >> not rice krispie treats. okay, i admit it. i love football, trevor. and i know it's dangerous, but i just don't want to accept the truth. football is part of life for a lot of kids. football is their ticket out of the 'hood. what are these kids supposed to play now? >> trevor: i don't know, why not basketball? >> basketball is fine but not if
11:48 pm
you husky. what are the husky dudes going to play? how many basketball players you seen out there built leak a bag of potato. >> trevor: okay, fine, it's not realistic to just get rid of american football but the n.f.l. should at least take better care of their players. n.f.l. players only get health insurance for five years after their career ends. why can't the league guarantee its players lifetime health care? where is the n.f.l. supposed to get that kind of money? ( laughter ) they only made $14 billion last year. we've got to think of realistic solutions, like fixing the helmets. >> trevor: oh, you mean, like make the helmets stronger? >> yes-- no. i mean, like, why are they giving players these helmets at all? ( laughter ) trevor, you give somebody a helmet, their immediate response is always going to be, "hey, ya! now i can smash my head into something!" helmets promote reckless behavior. you put a piece of plastic on your head you think you're a tank. if n.f.l. players are going to
11:49 pm
wear something on their head it should be a reminder not to do that stuff. that's why i made this helmet. i got this brabd new helmet for the players. it says "fragile" right there. like when you get a deliver of, you know, hummel figurines. >> trevor: why are you getting deliveries of hummel figurines? >> they're collectibles, trevor! and if this helmet doesn't work, i got another helmet idea. this is the one right here. ( laughter ) see? you don't cover up the brain. you put it on the outside! players going to be running down the field with their helmet on going, "don't it touch my brain! oh! get off of me! that is my brain out there!" >> trevor: roy, i can't decide if that's the most brilliant idea or dumbest thing i ever heard. >> it's brilliant, man. you want a rice krispie. >> trevor: get out of here. roy wood jr., we'll be right back. ( applause )
11:50 pm
- what's that? - well this is my equation for success. i've developed the 4 ps. politeness, patience, practice and... promotion! haw! ♪ yeehah! break through! break through! (the end of civilization ...hold your loved ones clo...) (♪ ) (♪ ) heineken is served it's world famous. like me.
11:51 pm
excuse me. antonio banderas! enjoyed in 192 countries. there's more behind the star. smoking as a teen can permanently stunt your lungs, taking the air out of even the biggest and baddest.
11:52 pm
>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an msnbc political analyst and host of "am joy." please welcome joy reid. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> thank you! >> trevor: wonderful time to have you. there is so much going on. there is news. >> so much. >> trevor: all the news. >> all the news. >> trevor: the best news. ( laughter ) let's jump straight into it. hurricane harvey, the president has been going around-- i don't know if you heard-- he said this is the biggest disaster-- almost saying the biggest disaster of all time. i struggle with donald trump.
11:53 pm
do you think he's proud of having it be, like, the biggest disaster? i genuinely don't know with him. i don't know if he's bragging about the scale of it. i don't know if this is something-- what do you make of the way he speaks about the hurricane? >> the way he speaks about everything. he sees everything in terms of ratings and crowd size, right. so for him, you know, the accomplishment he sees in harvey is that it's the biggest during the era of donald trump. >> trevor: right. >> and so there's something really disturbing just about the way he talks about it. he said something to the effect of, "harvey's a really nice name, but the storm not nice. not nice." no kidding! it's a hurricane. ( laughter ) you know, i don't think he understands the human scale of misery. i don't think that he can connect with the sort of compassion that you normally have when you see a disaster like this. >> trevor: it's interesting when you bring it up as ratings because he also came out and said-- when they asked him about the arpaio pardon-- he came out and said, "oh, i released it on friday because it looked like it was going to be a good ratings day?" >> yeah, yeah. and the idea is that, you know,
11:54 pm
people were speculating that maybe they tried to bury the idea of doing something this controversial during the hurricane. but he said, "no, no, no. it's the opposite. i knew the hurricane would bring great ratings, so i did it then so more people would see me do it." i mean, i think if you look at donald trump, what he has always done his entire adult life is kind of do a show. and he always wants to have a bigger and better show. >> that donald trump will somehow relinquish his power at some point. >> you know, i-- and i get asked this all the time, "when are they going to impeach him?" and i tell them as long as there are republicans in control of the house of representatives, particularly in the senate, they are not going to impeach donald trump. no, i think the republicans have made a very crass calculation that they'll accept anything donald trump does in exchange for the things they want. and as long as he's there to turn around and explain to his base the tax cuts for millionaires that they want, for billionaires, the things they want for themselves-- as long as he's willing to translate that
11:55 pm
into trump fan, they don't care what he does. >> trevor: let's talk about the democrats, then. because you would think in any other time, in any other place, going up against donald trump would mean you are assured. right? you're going to win this thing. you're going to take it all. and yet, it it feels like the democrats themselves are experiencing rifts. they're experiencing a lack of focus. it doesn't seem like there's a concrete message that is going to move them forward. >> well, this is the democrats. this is kind of who they are. they're very disorganized. they're not good at the "go for the jugular, hard-nosed" politics they used to be when the democrats were an ethnic party, kind of ethnic white, ethnic black. ethnic party generally. now they're a party looking for consensus. and they look for it so desperately that they never really come up with a coherent frame for themselveses. >> trevor: what do you mean when you say that? >> because democrats, although they understand deep down they're the party of black and brown people, of gay people, of marginalized people--
11:56 pm
>> trevor: right. >> --they still long to be the party of the sort of pabst blue ribbon voters, the coors light- drinking voter. >> trevor: could they not be both, though? why could they not be both? >> because those voters are republicans. they just are. >> trevor: you think definitively across the board? >> yeah. that vote has migrated from being a democratic party vote to a republican party vote, and it has done for the last 40 years. democrats just can't accept it. so they don't understand the voters they long to have back, the sort of archie bunker voter that was a democrat in the 70s is now a republican. and so they can long for them all they want. they're not going to convince them by saying, "we'll give you free college." that's not why they're voting. >> trevor: trevor you go. donald trump is currently traveling as president, consoling the victims of hurricane harvey. could this not be-- ( laughter ) could this not be the moment where he pivots to presidential and uniifies the nation? >> yeah. >> trevor: during the time of crisis? ( laughter )
11:57 pm
you guys are all (bleep). every single one of you. ( applause ) this is a valid question. ( laughter ) >> only if he goes into trump tower, locks himself in, sends out a different person that isn't donald trump-- maybe whose name is donald trump, but who is a completely different person-- and then maybe that person can pivot and become the president we need. donald trump is 71. do you know any 71-year-olds? i do. they are what they are. they're not going to change! he is this guy. ( cheers and applause ) and he isn't going to become presidential. he's donald trump! >> trevor: so what i heard-- ( laughter ) maybe, maybe. and that's all i needed to hear. thank you so much for being on the show. maybe it can happen. "am joy" airs weekends on msnbc from 10 a.m. to noon. joy reid, everybody!
11:58 pm
♪ (low backgro♪ music) ♪ (music intensifies) ♪ a refreshing combination of vitamins and electrolytes. vitaminwater. drink outside the lines.
11:59 pm
there are no shortcuts. making the best tequila in the world is all about putting in the time. the way we've been doing it for 145 years. tequila herradura. ♪ ♪ get, get, shooo! ♪ ♪ hey! ♪ out! out! ♪ get, get, get! ♪ arrrrrgh! ♪ did you find everything okay, sir...? (panting) whaaaaat...? ♪ have a good day, sir! go ahead and treat yourself to that extra stick of gum. you've earned it. natural light. now, it's natty time.
12:00 am
back to school, get your kid a great phone during the sprint deals spectacular. you can get the samsung galaxy s7 edge for just $10/mo. the lg v20 is also just $10/mo. or get the lg g5 for $5/mo. with annual upgrades to any phone. hurry in while supplies last. spectacular deals from sprint on the network built for unlimited. so don't get hooked by verizon and pay twice as much for unlimited. switch to sprint. $22.50 per month per line for 4 lines and get the 5th line free. for people with hearing loss, sprint works for me. visit sprintrelay.com.
12:01 am
( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. join us tomorrow at 11:00. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> there's never been anything so historic in terms of damage, and in terms of ferocity as what we've witnessed with harvey. sounds like such an innocent name, right? but it's not innocent. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

111 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on