tv The Daily Show Comedy Central October 19, 2017 7:00am-7:30am PDT
lines of talk and text at no extra cost. so all you pay for is data. see how much you can save. choose by the gig or unlimited. xfinity mobile. a new kind of network designed to save you money. call, visit, or go to xfinitymobile.com. j.d.: today started out like any other day. ohh. dolphins won again. oh. tcheh. here you go. i'm gonna be hearing about this all day. [belches] j.d.: dr. cox and jordan are still looking for a pediatrician. this time, try not to scare off the doctor. i did not scare off the last guy. you bit him. i tripped, and my teeth hit his shoulder. uh-huh, and once that happened, did you clamp down a little bit? jordan? oh, you come on! well, he had a bad attitude. [in child's voice] so, zachary, remember what mr. cookiepants always says about blowing your nose, ♪ if it's clear, have no fear ♪ ♪ if it's bloody, come see your buddy ♪
[sternly] what do you want? well, we're looking for a new pediatrician for our son. and you figured that even though my patient load is full, since you're on the board of directors and dr. cox here is not only an attending at the hospital but also an internationally renowned pain in the ass, you both could show complete disregard for my schedule and make me want to cause you grievous bodily harm even before we've been properly introduced. hello. i'm dr. norris. charmed. j.d.: like i said, same old, same old. [squeaks] [laughs] you drew on the wall. you drew on the wall. you pulled the paper away! stop lyin'. it's gonna come off, right? dan, don't! that's dad's indelible space pen, and prom is in, like, 2 weeks! good evening, mr. and mrs. shepherd. i'm here to pick up amy for... prom. yeah, that-- that'll come off. you won't have to get laser surgery or skin from your ass or anything. mmm?
ohh, come on! j.d.: in a hospital, lots of things last longer than you wish they would. especially certain stupid relationships with stupid sea world trainers who stole my stupid girl. well, i've, uh--ahem. i've got whales to train. stupid whales. hey, sean. right on, brother. bye. bye. where the hell are my interns?! j.d.: as third-year residents, you really have to stay on top of your interns. these right here-- you see these names? they are called patients! this one needs brain work! this one needs a heart! this guy needs courage. helping or hurting, j.d.? helping or hurting? the point is, they will live or die based on your lame-ass post-ops, so please, people, shape the hell up! all: yes, dr. turk.
dr. jerk. [laughs] the girl one just called you "dr. jerk." no sweat. you should hear what they call dr. mickhead. what? j.d.: i decided to take a different tack with my interns. look, guys, i'm not here to overwork you. ok, i'm not--i'm not just your resident. i'm your buddy! i'm your go-to guy! i'm j.d. j.d.: of course, my tack had its own drawbacks. but it is crucial i have everyone here at 9 a.m. sharp tomorrow, ok? oh. uh, is it cool if i come in at 9:30? absolutely. anyone else need to be late? interns: i can't. bad for me. ok, well, why don't we just make it 10:00, then? ok? break! i can be here at 9:00. but i said 10:00! j.d.: i guess everyone has their own style. today for lunch the cafeteria has-- bruce, name a manifestation of normal pressure hydrocephalus! urinary incontinence. hell, yes, bruce!
go place a foley cath on bed 4. as for the rest of team "e," i'm-- well, if it isn't dr. haircut and her not-ready-for-prime-time players. actually, sir, we rock, so feel free to sit back and enjoy the show. well, don't worry about it, son. those things are a dime a dozen. really? in fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand-new pathology lab? but do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because i'll need that to turn your next 12 paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship. dr. reid, you may have an exciting new look and a boyfriend who smells vaguely like my tackle box, but i remain, as always, underwhelmed. i think, dr. norris, what we're looking for is someone who's not too alarmist but also not too lax, either. oh, god, please let that someone be me. look, you're obviously a little busy with your doll. my doll!
[laughs] it's a collectible. someone's gonna get his ass bit. right. i think we should probably take off. we're gonna be back to you with our decision. super. i'll be by my giant pretend phone pretending to give a crap. oh, by the way, uh-- b-r-ring! hello? [whispers] gotta take it. uh-huh. uh-huh. i love him. of course you do. he's you, and nobody loves you more than you. you know that. yeah, but still, he is the best pediatrician on staff and since we both work here, we can have a lot of pull over him. i mean, come on, jordan! you haven't let me make one decision about our son, which is why, by the way, you'll be doing the answering when he asks why daddy's wee-wee doesn't have a turtleneck on it like his. yeah, fine. whatever you said. hey, carla. hey, i had to redo the n.g. tube one of your nurses put on mrs. himmel, so if you could spread the word to leave that to me and my guys, it would be great. oh, no problem, bambi. oh, but the reason my nurses had to do that
is because none of your interns know how, so if you keep flapping your mouth without knowing all the facts, i'm gonna see if i can fit my foot in it. ok. good talk. brian, you know how to place an n.g. tube, don't you? you did it for me both times. jimmy, didn't you do one yesterday? no, you let me go home 'cause i forgot to set my tivo for the styx behind the music. do not miss that! it's awesome! seth? j.d.: that was when i realized what i had turned my interns into. [chattering] bruce, this is gonna be your third foley cath in a row. you can do this. you didn't need to page me 17 times between the time i bought the rum raisin muffin and then threw it away because alcoholism runs in my family. after this morning, i just wanted to make sure that i really have this down. [making boombox sounds] what are you doing?
it's just a nervous habit. [whispers] it helps me concentrate. yeah, well, you know what helps me concentrate? me not doing that? no. bunnies. say, i don't wanna embarrass you there, big jack, but, uh, you've got a little something on your face. hardly notice it. [coughs] what was that? [laughs] i mean, come on, jordan. don't tell me you're gonna be one of those parents who makes a big deal out of every single cough. [coughs] look out, mickhead! uhh! ow! ok, tough guy. good night. what the--? maybe i diluted this too much. [hissing] aah! well, can't blame the cleanser. j.d.: even though my interns sucked,
i decided to turn it into a positive. elliot, i need some pointers on how to deal with my interns. aah! [together] hey, doug. anyway, do you think we could, like, meet up after work or something? sure. what did you have in mind? ♪ loving you ♪ is more than just a dream come true ♪ ♪ and everything that i do ♪ is out of loving you ♪ la la la la la la la la la la ♪ sean: uhh! uhh! [music ends] nothing major. [falsetto] you know, benjamin, it's not a bad thing that you play with it, it's just that your mom wants you to take breaks for meals. jack here-- jack here's got a cough, and on account of the meconium problem he had at birth, i'm thinking it just might be pneumonia. benjamin,
take this cup. fill her up, all right? what in the hell do you think you are doing, you arrogant son of a bitch? if you ever interrupt an exam of mine again, i will personally take my stethoscope and shove it up your-- [falsetto] benjamin. what happened? i don't have to go. that happens to the big boys, too. try again. go on. is his temperature under 100.5? barely. eating, peeing, pooing? sometimes all at the same time. come on, it's a really persistent cough. what do you say? office hours. tomorrow, 5:00. bye-bye. i'm gonna go ahead and put this in a language that you can understand. [falsetto] you had better see my son now, or i'm gonna kick your ass. ohh. [nervous laugh] [thinking] ok, here she comes. don't be over-eager. elliot! over here! hey. wow. you look great. thanks.
oh, hey, j.d. hey, sean's here, everybody. hey, sean. hey! you know, since he's a trainer, sean is really good with behavior and communication. i mean, he helped me so much with my interns that i thought maybe he could help you with yours. [thinking] ok, calm down. at least she's here, too. [pager beeps] oh, bruce again. got to go. mm-mmm. bye. bye. this'll be fun. j.d.: and just like that i had another rough night ahead of me. at least i wasn't the only one. [baby coughs] you paged me for another foley catheter? i'm great at these now. oh. just watch this one. don't mind if i do. j.d.: yep, it's gonna be a long night. [pager beeps] i'm right here, bruce.
phones really have changed. so why hasn't the way we pay for them? introducing xfinity mobile. you only pay for data and can easily switch between pay per gig and unlimited. no one else lets you do that. see how much you can save. choose by the gig or unlimited. xfinity mobile. a new kind of network designed to save you money. call, visit or go to xfinitymobile.com. this kid's a good doctor, he just falls apart every time kelso looks over his shoulder. why don't you just tell kelso to back off? i've taken a lot of positive steps this year, but when it comes to standing up to kelso, i just can't get over that hump yet. he's like my white whale. mine's frank. oh, no. i meant like in moby dick. kelso is a giant pain in my ass. oh. well... 'cause i love frank. just, he can drive me crazy every now and then. [laughs] [squeals] sean: every day! every day! [stops squealing]
every day. [squeals] hey, j.d., i was thinking we'd start out by me, you know, watching how you interact with your interns. your brain's gonna tell you to be a little self-conscious, but you just need to ignore the voice in your head. [thinking] kick him in the crotch and run. i'll try, sean. be nice to the teacher, ok? i'm sleeping with him. oh, my god. i haven't said that since college. [groaning] norris isn't budging. he just moved the appointment back to 6:00, the rat bastard. watch your language in front of the kid, you stupid mickey-fickey! what? see...i am adapting. you, on the other hand, are behaving like a complete lunatic. no, i'm not. carla. hmm? you're one of them bossy-pants types who always tells people their problems whether they ask for it or not, right? i like to think i've learned when to hold back. you're in. you've totally lost sight of what's important here.
you are a parent now, ok? you don't come first anymore. no. you've got to do what's best for your son, even if it means sucking up to the one doctor on earth who's more obnoxious than you are. well... oh, my god. i love doing that so much, it makes my hands shake a little. so how are your interns doing? it still burns a little, but at least i can hear ok. fantastic, sport, but that's the brachial artery, and it's not how we draw blood. now, if we need to inject him with heroin, you'll be the first one i call. dr. kelso-- what is it, dr. reid? do you have something to say? no. you know something? you remind me of her so much, you're just a breakdown in the supply closet away from being the same person. brian, if you're having that much trouble with your case report, i'll be glad to take a look at it for you, pal. cool. try to have it back by 5:00. ok...i have a lot of things to do, but... j.d., can i offer a little constructive criticism? [thinking] kick him in the crotch, damn it! the crotch!
you're worried so much about whether your interns like you or not that i don't think they respect you very much. i had one of mine run out this morning and get me some dome wax. check it--zing! it's really shiny. yeah! you know... i had the same problem when i started working with the dolphins. ok, that's it. i--i'm sorry. sean, i'm a doctor, ok? i'm teaching humans, not dolphins, ok? so it isn't really helpful for me to know what works on fish. they're mammals, actually. ho ho, well! sean! unfortunately for me, my interns aren't mammals! j.d., they are. i don't care, sean. come on, turk! just wanted you to know i don't have a problem with you. i just can't resist a good storm-off. oh. who can? stain...i won't lie to ya. this is gonna hurt a little bit.
why don't you just paint over it? hmm... you believe that crap sean was saying? he was right. even in college, you cared way too much about everybody liking you. hey, who wants to help me move? me. j.d., could you walk my dog tonight while i have casual sex with your friend miguel? love to! hey, who wants to help me move back? i know where it all goes. think about it, man. cox has taught you the most since you've been here, right? do you really think he gives a damn whether you like him or not? i like to think so. outta my way, space waster. i felt the love. [thinking] catch him and kick him in his junk! enjoy. i didn't cut the hand off. i used a different puppet for that. if you want, you can give that one to me, and i can fix it. and have it. for the kids.
disturbing fetishes aside, i feel like i owe you an apology on account of acting like a jackass, but i don't think that my son should be the one who has to pay for it. you actually think that i would endanger the health of a child because you're a jackass? look, buddy, most of the parents i deal with are jackasses. now, don't get me wrong. you're in the top 5. thank you! you're welcome. so the reason why i've yet to see your child is because he has the sniffles. the sniffles. the sniffles! look, you're a doctor. you have what i like to call the burden of knowledge. you're gonna be worse than every parent who freaks out because their kid eats playdough. why? because you've seen too much. you've seen what can really go wrong. and if you don't get a handle on that, it's gonna crush you. you have kids? one. she hates dolls. boy, that's a bummer. tell me about it. that's horrible work. horrible!
dr. kelso, i do have something to say. remember earlier you asked me if i had something to say? no. well, you did, and the reason that i came back here is because you said that bruce and i are alike, and you know what? you're right. because you're treating him the exact same way you treated me when i first got here. dr. kelso, you only judge us by these 20-minute pressure-filled windows that you see us through twice a week. you never get to know us or how hard we really work, because if you did you'd realize that a lot of the times when we fail, it's not our fault. it's yours. is that how you feel, future dentist? w-well... sometimes you make me feel like i can't do anything well, and i can do lots of things well. like what? i'm a pretty solid human beat box. bruce, i think he was talking about medical things. no, no. i'd like to hear him demonstrate this beef box thing. ok. uh... i guess this one goes out to my boy wayne in room 302. he has fluid in his lungs.
[imitating beat box] ♪ boom boom cchh boom ♪ a-boom cchh a-boom ♪ boom pcch a-boom, a-boom cchh a-boom ♪ ♪ boom-p-cchh-- he's got fluid. ♪ a-boom pchh a-boom, a-boom cchh a-boom ♪ ♪ wa-pss, wa-pss, wa-pss he's got fluid ♪ ♪ boom boom cchh boom da-boom cchh da-boom boom cchh ♪ pss, pss, pss, pss! ♪ a-boom cchh [imitating drum solo] a-boom pa-cchh! he's got fluid. young man-- enjoy your moment. oh, my god, bruce, that was amazing! where did you learn how to do that? in temple. you're right. i can totally see my reflection. tell your friends, baby. hey, sean. you were right about me and my interns. i guess i owe you an apology. damn straight you do. you know what your problem is, bambi--
oh, turk, please. just one more second. i need the rush. please. i'm comin' back for you. j.d., it's no big deal. we both know that it wasn't about that. you like elliot. sorry. don't sweat it. you're not pissed off? i'd be pissed off. why aren't you pissed off? i don't know. i guess i just... i don't see you as that much of a threat. oh. cool. [bruce imitating beat box] ♪ a-boom boom pa-cchh ♪ boom a-boom tch a-boom boom ♪ j.d.: i don't care. all that matters is finding a way to sleep at night. [bruce continues beat boxing] whether it's finally standing up to your white whale... ♪ a-boom boom pa-cchh boom boom ♪ painting over your black spot... ♪ a-boom boom pa-cchh boom a-boom ♪ or imagining shamu taking sean's arm off... ♪ a-boom boom pa-cchh boom a-boom ♪
♪ a-boom boom pa-cchh boom ♪ you don't need a doctor to tell you that a good night's sleep can fix almost anything. [baby coughs] bruce: he's got fluid. j.d.: hospitals are hectic, but there's a certain time every morning, after the bed pans have been emptied, that a calm washes over the place, and you can't help but feel peaceful. [whistles] holy vishnu. look, we've been working together a while. could you not whistle at me? you're right, newbie. we have been working together for a while. of course, i wouldn't know the exact number of days unless i consulted my "friends for life" calendar that i keep taped inside my hope chest. still... i've learned to make dr. cox's rants work for me. i catch up on paperwork. i look after patients. carla, can you check room air pulse ox on mrs. ship? you got it, bambi. i take care of those official things that just have to get done. you're a jerk. you're a jerk. long story short there, molly, i will always whistle at you like you're a blonde with big bombs and i'm a construction worker just released from prison. is that clear? crystal.